From: Chris Davies Preface; Or, How What Follows Came to be Written, and Whom You Should Blame for It. An obnoxious person wrote that those who were trying to cross Evangelion with Ranma. He was largely ignored, and chastised for his comments. However, Rod M. agreed with him in principle. And that gave me furiously to think. And I came to the conclusion that Rod M. was right. But I also realized that there was a certain series that *could* be effectively combined with Evangelion. So, I sat down, typed for a while, and here we are. So what follows is all Rod M.'s fault, yes, Rod M. should be blamed for what you want to do after reading this. Go get 'im. [This is for the "Beyond the Sea" thing, Rod. Revenge is best served cold, and this has been out on the counter so long it's *really* cold. And *moldy*, too.] [Ahem.] * * * It was a typical day in Tokyo-3. Which meant that there was an Angel attack, natch. Katsuragi Misato stared at the monitor image of the large, vaguely ellipsoid creature from the darkest, deepest reaches of space -- the scourge of the Twenty-First century. Her personal nemesis. This week, anyway. "He vexes me ... he vexes me, and I shall have him!" she muttered, causing Hyuuga Makoto, the most literate of NERV's trio of bridge bunnies, to start slowly edging away from her. "Shinji-kun," Misato then barked, "when you, Ayanami, and Asuka engage the Angel, you have the point!" "Sure," came the voice from the intercom, avoiding the obvious straight line. "Whatever." "Attaboy, Shinji! Enthusiasm is the key!" Shinji sighed as his lungs filled with LCL. "EVA Unit 01 -- HA--" It was at that moment that the little white flag popped out of the top of the Angel, and began waving furiously. Everyone stared. Misato recovered first. "--SHIIN!" The Evangelion unit failed to launch. Everyone else was still staring at the little white flag. "What are you waiting for?" Misato yelled at the bridge bunnies. "Launch the big ugly robot already!" "Uh ... Major, isn't that a flag of surrender?" Ibuki Maya asked quietly. "They're aliens!" Misato hissed. "Launch the EVA! For all we know, waving a white flag means, `We've come to eat your kids!'" The irony of the statement was lost on everyone present, with one possible exception. That exception now said, in a quiet voice, "Don't launch the EVA." Everyone turned to look up at the Commander, seated high on his throne, gazing over the lenses of his dark-lensed spectacles and his folded hands. "Start scanning the radio frequencies." Fuyutsuki turned to stare at his superior officer in shock. "Ikari ... you can't mean ..." Behind his hands, Ikari Gendou smiled. "It's all going according to schedule." The fact that Fuyutsuki Kouzou had, earlier this week, seen Gendou march into NERV's commissary, gaze at the menu, and murmur "Ah, beef wellington. It's all going according to schedule," meant that this statement gave him rather less comfort than it might. Which wasn't saying much in the first place. Let's face it, the schedule sucks. Anyway, Aoba Shigeru was listening intently to the radio frequencies. "I don't believe it! All we're getting on all the channels is ... is ..." "What? What?" asked virtually everyone else. "I think it's music from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind." After the massive face fault which ensued, the maker of that forty year old movie was hauled out of the Wells-like seclusion in which he had spent his years since the Second Impact, and made to translate the musical signals from the alien, after the traditional NERV psychological pressure was applied. Spielberg caved when a heavily bandaged Rei was wheeled out in front of him, having no way of knowing that she was quite fine and that this was all a head game. But then, when wasn't it? In any event, the message from the Angel was translated, and censored, as follows. "Dear Earth People, Okay, we can tell that you're not going to let us get at without a fight. Even though . Even though . Even after you idiots . Fine. Be that way. We'll do this the hard way. If your champion, whom we have determined to be one -- ("They mean Ayanami Rei," Gendou interrupted during the translation. "Uh, no, those tones correspond to the syllables --" "No, they *mean* --" "Look, you asshole, if you think I'm going to let you send that poor wounded girl up to do some sort of fighting in an ugly robot that doesn't even look as good as a Zaku when some slob with a dumb name like Ikari Shinji can do it, you're crazy!" said the aging filmmaker. Gendou thought. ] -- Ikari Shinji, can compete with our champion in the traditional game of our kind, we'll let your species go on its merry self-destructive way. If he can't win, well then we'll just and we'll and we'll the down, do what we came here to do, and get the hell out of this backwater system. Chiao! The Last Angel." "Ne, Sempai, what's the traditional game of the Angels?" Maya asked Ritsuko after the contents of the "letter" were made public. "Who cares? TAKE ME NOW YOU SHORT HAIRED DEMON OF LUST!" Ritsuko screamed, and a whole lot of naughtiness started to the accompaniment of the throbbing beat of another, less well-known movie of the 1970s. "-- or possibly Go ... it's hard to say. It's bound to be something intellectual and -- Maya? Maya, are you listening to me lecture?" Ritsuko asked, staring at her protege's dazed eyes. "Huh?" Maya asked, as she was jolted out of her fantasy. she raged inwardly, giving off as much angst as ... well, as one of the Children on a "good" day. "Ahem. As I was *saying*, it could be Chess, or --" It was at that point that the image of the Angel's champion appeared on the monitor, and waved, stopping all conversation. Maya was silent for a long moment, then turned to Ritsuko. "You lose, babe," she said calmly. "What? I mean -- are you the --" Ritsuko floundered. "Yes," said the five-feet-and-a-bit, tiger striped bikinied, green-haired, short-horned, decidedly female -- *wonderfully* female, in the opinion of all three bridge bunnies -- figure on the screen. "I'm here to play tag, datcha!" Inside the Entry Plug, Shinji felt a feeling of doom descending on his shoulders. Moreso than usual. A bit. Shito Yatsura: Those Obnoxious Angels "Suki yo! Suki yo! Suki yo!" meets "Sucks to be you!" More Coming Soon!! Chris Davies, Advocate for Darkness, Part-Time Champion of Light. "WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?" -- Death, in "Reaper Man", by Terry Pratchett. http://www.ualberta.ca/~cdavies/hmpage.html