From: Daniel Snyder Opening theme: John Williams version of Cruel Angel's Thesis Hoshi no Sensou Evangelion IT IS A TIME OF CIVIL WAR. The evil UN Empire now holds the majority of the galaxy tightly in its grip--a grip that will only be tightened with their new super-weapon, the DEATH GEOFRONT. A small band of rebels, intent on crushing the Empire, have stolen the plans for this battle station and are fleeing to their base... In the space over Ennuine, an Imperial destroyer is kicking the shit out of a rebel star cruiser. Aboard, people dressed in NERV bridge uniforms are running all over the place and trying to look helpful. Two droids are wandering through the chaos. Makoto: Did you here that? They've shut down the S2 engine. This is madness! Shigeru: (guitar twanging) Makoto: Mission? What mission? What are you talking about? I'm not going in there! At that moment, the Imperial SEELE Troopers decide it would be a good time to kick in the door and kill everyone. Under a hail of blaster fire the two droids scamper into an escape pod and...escape. Walking through the corpse-strewn hallways is a woman in black armor and a white lab coat. A group of SEELE Troopers push a small, blue-haired girl in white up against her. Darth Akagi: So! It's Rei Inorganica, rebel traitor. Fancy meeting you here. Now where are the plans to the Death Geofront, you little bitch? Rei (unconvincingly lying): I do not know what you are talking about. I am an ambassador of Veggieramen. I am on a diplomatic mission. I will not answer any more questions. Akagi: Thank God. I was looking for an excuse to torture you. Guards! Take her away and torture her for a while. Guard: Ah, shouldn't we ask her some questions about the rebellion and stuff? Akagi: No need to trouble yourselves. Oh, and if you should torture her to death, just let me know, OK? Meanwhile, down on the planet's surface, Shinji Skywalker is playing the cello. He is totally enraptured by the music, forgetting his problems and the world in general, right up to the moment an escape pod slams into his uncle's house, leaving a huge smoldering crater. Shinji: Oh. He gets up, stretches, puts away his music and cello, and walks back to the house. The only things standing are two goofy-looking droids. Shinji: Who are you? And why did you crush my uncle's house? Makoto: A pleasure to meet you, sir! I am Makoto Hyuuga, protocol droid. And this is my counterpart, Shigeru. Shigeru: Twang twang twang twang, twang twang twang. Shinji: What's he saying? Makoto: I'm afraid I don't quite understand him, sir. He's saying that he's the property of Obi-Wan Kaji. I don't know what he's talking about. Shinji: Obi-Wan...well, I know of a Ryouji Kaji who lives off in the desert. Uncle told me to keep away from him, or I'd get the wrong idea about girls. Of course, Uncle's dead now, so there's no point in listening to his advice anymore. Let's go. So they all pile into Shinji's land speeder and take off. Kaji lives in a small hand-built bachelor pad on top of a cliff. He is dressed in disheveled robes and looks in need of a shave. Kaji: What brings you out this far, young Skywalker? Shinji: Oh, this little droid! He claims he's the property of Obi-Wan Kaji, is he a relative of yours? Kaji: Obi-Wan...now, that's a name I've not heard in a long time. Shinji: You know him? Kaji: Of course! He's me. I'll bet one of my old girlfriends is after me. I came out here to avoid all the paternity suits, you know. Shigeru: Twang twang twang twang! And without further ado, the droid begins to play a holographic message on the litter-covered coffee table. It is a hologram of a woman who identifies herself as Princess Rei Inorganica of the planet Veggieramen. Rei (dull monotone): General Kaji, long ago you served my father during the Impact Wars. Now he begs you to help us. If you do not, I regret to say that we will all be killed and the Empire will strike at all the innocent citizens. That would be awkward. The message ends abruptly. Kaji smirks and leans back to think. Shinji: Whoa...that's...actually, that's the first girl I've ever seen. She makes me feel really really happy. I wonder if she'd ever talk to me? Kaji: Note to self...when packing travel bags, include a few magazines from the sock drawer for punk boy here. Shinji: Eh? You're going? Kaji: Yes...and you must learn the ways of the GAINAX if you're to come with me to Veggieramen. Shinji: Whatever. It doesn't matter to me. Hey, what's the GAINAX? Kaji: The GAINAX. It has a light side, full of drunkard penguins and silly people watching anime...and a dark side, where big robots mess with your mind. It binds the universe together. As a GAINAX master, your father fell in with the dark side...with the ways of the Empire. Shinji: My father? MY FATHER? You know my father? Kaji: Yes, I was a former pupil of his. Which reminds me. He wanted you to have something when you were old enough. Look at this photograph. Shinji: Wow...what is it? Kaji: They're called "love apples", and you'll understand when you meet a woman with a baby. But that wasn't what I was going to give you. This is your father's Progressive Knife. Shinji: Mm. It's pretty small. Kaji: Press and hold that little button right there. Shinji: Aaugh! Now it's huge! Kaji: You'll have to get up early in the morning every morning, and practice with it all day, to truly become an expert with it. It is a civilized, sophisticated weapon. GAINAX Knights have competed with them for millennia. Shinji: Will this impress...that princess girl? Kaji: Ehm...you'll have more luck with other girls. But you're welcome to try. Meanwhile, in a much nastier part of the Galaxy that looks like it has been designed especially for being nasty in, the SEELE councilmembers are hard at work. French Guy: But what about the rebellion? If the plans have really fallen into their hands, they may find a weakness and exploit it. Lorenz: They will not. This battle station is impenetrable. British Guy: But what about the abduction of Princess Inorganica? If word of this gets out, the Imperial Senate... Fuyutsuki: (coming in with Akagi) The Imperial Senate...is of no concern to us. The Emperor has ordered the entire cabinet dissolved. Specifically, dissolved into LCL. Fear of this battle station will keep the local systems in line. Lorenz: The Death Geofront is now the ultimate weapon in the galaxy. I suggest we use it. Akagi: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The power of a battle station is inconsequential next to the power of...the GAINAX. Lorenz: Surely you must be joking, Lady Akagi...ack! As Akagi gives Lorenz "the fingers", the kanji for "The Force" appears behind him in a full-screen caption. Akagi: I find your lack of faith disturbing. Fuyutsuki: Akagi, release him. Akagi: As you wish. Lorenz: *thunk* Fuyutsuki: This bickering is pointless. Akagi will have the stolen plans recovered for us. How is the torture of the Princess proceeding, Lady Akagi? Akagi: Excellently...hee hee hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha! Fuyutsuki: Shouldn't have asked. So Kaji and Shinji and the droids and a few satchelsful of pornography hop in the speeder and take off for Mos Eisley-3 Spaceport. Realizing that Shinji, no matter how stoic he seemed, would sooner or later come to his senses, Kaji decides to get him rip-roaring drunk first. So he tells the boy to cruise for a bar. But they are interrupted right on the main drag... SEELE Trooper: Where did you get those droids? Shinji: I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away...uh? SEELE Trooper: Those droids. Kaji: Droids? What do you mean droids? SEELE Trooper: Droids. Robots made to look like men. Slavery of iron and silicon. Computer. The disembodied brain of mathematics. Blue. Sky overhead... Shinji: I can't believe they all started wigging out like that. Kaji: It's a simple GAINAX mind trick, boy. Now, let's go get a few wet ones... Shinji parks the land speeder in front of a not-too-unhygienic bar and tells the droids to make sure nobody lifts it while they're busy. Inside the bar, Shinji is taken aback. The bizarre shapes and colors of the patrons, each one an alien with a seedy past and a deformed figure to match, almost makes him run in terror. Then he remembers what the people at the Marmalade Boy marathon had looked like after episode 70 or so, and his distress passes. Kaji: Shinji! Over here! Shinji slips into a booth seat, joining Kaji with two less-alien looking folk. Both have disturbing looks on their faces for very different reasons. Kensuke: Hi there! I'm Kensuke Solo, pilot of the Millennium BFG. This is my co-pilot, Youbaka the Touji. Touji: Gaargh. Aaagh. He nonchalantly punches Shinji in the mouth. Shinji: Aaah! What was that for? Kensuke: Oh, that's just how he says hello to people smaller than him. Shinji: I'd hate to be around when he's giving a benefit concert. Kensuke: Wear padded clothing and make sure all your orifices are closed. Kaji: Take it easy, Shinji. Why don't you have a drink to calm yourself down? Shinji: Boy, I'm so hot and tired from coming over here...and I missed lunch...sure. What's this? Yebisu? In about nine seconds he is asleep on the tabletop. Kaji: That's taken care of him. Now, how much will you take to fly me, the boy, and two droids to Veggieramen? Kensuke: Veggieramen, eh? That'll be 10,000, all in advance. Kaji: Here, take a look at this picture. Kensuke: Er, make that 8,000. Kaji: You want the rest of the magazine that came from? Touji: Aroo! Aroo! Kensuke: Well, what're we waiting around here for? Come on! Take the lump of lead with you and let's go. So they rush on out to the speeder and make for the spaceport proper. Unfortunately, there is a small welcoming committee waiting for them. In the lead is a woman with purple hair and a perpetual hangover that, no matter how much she drinks, she can never quite get rid of. And when you're a bookmaker, mobster and general creep, a hangover is not what your clients want you to have. Misato: Solo! Get your otaku butt out of that starship and come talk to me. Kensuke: I'm right here, Misato the Hutt. Misato: Shit! Don't scare me like that. Well, if it isn't Mr. Huge Cannon himself, who's too afraid to use it in an emergency situation I MIGHT add... Kensuke: Excuse me if I don't want to fire back at Imperial Star Destroyers. It was a really rotten place to drop out of hyperspace, I admit. But, if you'll let me just take these guys to Veggieramen, I'll hurry back with your money and we can put this whole awful incident behind us. Misato: All right, it's a deal. But if you fail me this time, I'll lock you in the closet with Asuka Fett. Kensuke: Oh, no, please, not that. At this, the bounty hunter in question whispers something into Misato's ear. Misato: Though, if you just give us the older guy, we might be able to make a deal on your debt. Kensuke: Uh-uh. He's the one paying me. Oh, how about the kid? Asuka: FORGET IT! Misato: Well, maybe in a few years. Aboard the Death Geofront, things are puttering along in their typical nice evil way. Fuyutsuki: Incredible! You've been torturing her all this time, and she still hasn't told us where the rebel base is? Akagi: Ah...well, she has not answered any...ah...rebel-related questions I've put to her, sir. Fuyutsuki: We'll have to try something else then. Akagi: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that won't be necessary. I'm sure, with just a little more effort... Guard: Sir! The final weapons check is complete, and...ack! *thunk* Akagi: For the last time, don't interrupt when I'm talking. Fuyutsuki: Hm. Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion. Akagi: What do you suggest? Fuyutsuki: Set course for Veggieramen, and have the princess brought to the bridge. In short order, the princess is brought out. Admiral Fuyutsuki meets her. Rei looks suitably uninterested. Fuyutsuki: Princess Rei, I will be brief with you. Unless you reveal to us the location of your rebel friends, we will be forced...to destroy...your home planet of Veggieramen! The planet in question appears on the monitoring screen. Rei doesn't betray a shred of emotion. Rei: ... Fuyutsuki: Think of it! Billions of lives--of your planetman's lives--at stake! All you have to do to save them is tell us, where is the rebel base? Rei: ... Fuyutsuki: That's all! Just a few little words mean the difference between life and death! Whatever will you do, Princess? Princess? Rei: ... Fuyutsuki: Am I getting through to you, Princess? Lady Akagi? What have you been doing to the poor girl? Akagi: This is how she's been through all the sessions, sir. Fuyutsuki: Bother. We might as well just blow up the planet and be done with it. Akagi: Can I torture her a little more? Fuyutsuki: No, no point. Schedule her to be terminated at once. Akagi: You're no fun, Admiral. Aboard the Millennium BFG, Shinji is training with Kaji while Touji and the droids are looking at the dirty magazines. From the cockpit, Kensuke comes back to join them. Kensuke: Not bad, eh? Downed three Tie fighters on our way out of the space port AND caused two other Imperial ships to collide into each other. Shinji: Uh, Captain Kensuke...nobody was after us. Kensuke: You're missing the principle of the thing, kid. The whole point is that...oy, what's the matter with him? Shinji: Obi-Wan? Are you all right? Kaji: I felt a strange disturbance in the force...as if millions of voices cried out in terror, and then were suddenly silenced...ah! Shinji: Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan? Kaji: No, my mistake. My tightie-whities were riding me up. Carry on with your training. Shinji: All right. He draws out his Progressive Knife again and points it towards a small ball that hovers in the air. Every once in a while a tentacle would fly out of the ball and try to steal the credit cards out of Shinji's pocket. Shinji would try to block the tentacles with his Knife. Touji: Arg aroo argggh? Kaji: It's to simulate the dating scene, my violent friend. In short order Shinji has maxed out his Visa and his Diner's Club cards. Disgustedly, he slips the Knife back into his scabbard. Shinji: I'm no good at this. Kaji: No, you're not. But now, try to do it with the blast shield on your helmet down. Shinji: Oh. All right. Kensuke: Are you crazy? How'll he be able to see anything? Kaji: Your eyes can deceive you. Reach out with your feelings. Before they were far into the exercise, Shinji feels less energy focused on the tip of his Progressive Knife, and it becomes easier to control. Soon, the tentacles are unable to touch him. Shinji: Hm. I feel somehow unsatisfied...but very financially secure. Kaji: Soon, you will be a master of the GAINAX, boy. Kensuke's pager goes off, and he lurches up from where he had been sitting. Kensuke: Well, here we are boys, Veggieramen. Up to the--whoa! Shinji: What was that? Kensuke: Either one of the meatballs at the Cantina or a meteor. Touji, kid, bring the fossil with you. And whatever you do... Shinji: Yes? Kensuke: Don't think too hard about why they call it a cockpit. So the four all pile up into the cockpit and are startled to discover an asteroid field instead of Veggieramen. They plow through it, and on the outside they see... Shinji: What is it? It's too big for a space station. Kaji: But too small for a moon. Kensuke: Perhaps it's that super battle station the Death Geofront that they've been talking about so much in the super-secret UN computers that I hacked into. Touji: Aroo aroo aarrrrr. Kaji: Boy, you said it. Shinji: Can't we get away from it? Kensuke: It's no use, kid. They've got a tractor beam locked on to us. We're not going anywhere except in. Kaji murmurs a quick prayer. A few moments later the Millennium BFG is being parked in Prisoner Docking Bay #1. A huge number of horribly beweaponed SEELE troopers have sealed every exit. Darth Akagi herself is overseeing the operation. Akagi: Disposable Cast Member, I want you to conduct a thorough search of the ship and its contents. I want nothing unchecked. Fail, and I'll kill you. Succeed and you'll die in the process. Good luck. DCM: It's been a pleasure, ma'am...is there something the matter? Akagi: I feel a disturbance in the GAINAX...and I smell cheap cologne...almost like... Leaving the comment incomplete, she turns around and walks out dramatically. Several DCMs pile aboard the ship and die quick deaths. Shinji, Kaji and Kensuke, all now in disguise, pile out and escort their "captive" Touji safely outside. Safe for the moment in the corridor, Kensuke whips out his laptop (powered by Linux!) and plugs in to the Death Geofront's computer systems. Kensuke: Okee dokee...according to this, the Tractor Beam Shutdown valve is directly down Obfuscation Corridor #3. Stop at Ominous Shaft, crawl out on the Conspicuous Overhang, and it's right there. Kaji: Very well. I must leave you here. Shinji... Shinji: Yes? Kaji: The GAINAX will be with you. Always. Oh, and when you see a nude woman floating past you for no apparent reason, try and grab her, you'll have nothing to lose. Shinji: OK. Kensuke: Speaking of strange women, take a look at this. It seems there's a Princess Rei Inorganica being held right down this very corridor. Shinji: Really? I don't believe it! We've got to save her! Kensuke: Forget it, kid. I'm not risking my neck any more than I have to. Shinji: But...she makes me feel really really happy when I see pictures of her. Kensuke: Oh, a sex object. Why didn't you just say so!?! Come on, come on, let's go! In their mid-puberty hormone-driven bravado the boys charge down the corridor, blast open the door, then try the handle, blast everyone in the room, and start blasting the doors off the prison, inadvertently freeing several psychopathic ex-SEELE Troopers (to imagine what they're like, think--too many Reis in End of Evangelion. If you haven't seen it, stare at a picture of the bridge bunnies for about ten minutes without blinking, and then put your head in a washing machine, you'll achieve the same effect). Finally Shinji blows the door off the Princess' cell and stumbles inside. Rei: Curious. SEELE Troopers are generally taller. Shinji: No, wait, you don't understand. I'm Shinji Skywalker, I'm here to help you escape. While Rei thinks about whether she wants to escape, Shinji and Kensuke drag her out of the cell. At that instant, the SEELE Troopers show up and start shooting. Fortunately the psychopaths hold them off while the kids figure out what to do. Shinji: I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't... Kensuke: RUN! Shinji: I must run! Where? Kensuke: Try down that shaft. There's no way out back. Touji, take point. Touji: AROOO! He tosses the Princess head-first into the shaft and then dives in himself. Shinji is frozen to the spot. Kensuke kicks him in, gets off a couple of last shots with his blaster, then dives in. He rolls out into, you guessed it, the garbage compactor. Shinji is trying to come to terms with being shot at while Touji is hammering on the door and yowling. Rei is right where she landed, upside-down in the garbage. Then the sides of the room start coming together. After a minute or two of slowly getting squished, Rei realizes she's about to die and deploys her AT Field, saving the day and blowing open the door to the garbage compactor wide open. Meanwhile, Kaji has found the tractor beam control panel and shuts it down. As he prepares to sneak off undiscovered, he runs into a snag... Akagi: So, Obi-Wan Kaji, the cycle is complete. First you stuck something where the sun doesn't shine...and now it's my turn. Kaji: You'll never defeat me. Akagi: Why? Because you have the pitiful light side of the GAINAX with you? Kaji: No. Because you're a woman, and only real men can fight. Akagi: You...sexist PIG! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT!!! Kaji draws out his Progressive Knife, Akagi draws...a vibrator. Akagi: Whoops. And another. Akagi: This is embarrassing. One second. Kaji: Take all the time you need. And another. And another. Finally, she pulls out one as big as Kaji's Progressive Knife. Akagi: Whatever. *Xena yell* Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! The go at it, again and again, right up until Shinji and Co. burst in on them. Kaji makes eye contact with Shinji and gets a "Smoke-me-a-kipper-I'll-be-back-for-breakfast" look in his eye. He raises his Progressive Knife away from Akagi. Shinji: OBI-WAN! NO! Kaji: Kill me, and I will only become stronger. Akagi: That's what you think! Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Kaji: ...oik! Akagi: That's for dumping me for Misato the Hutt! Now get back here, you four little imbeciles... Shinji, Rei, Touji and Kensuke high-tail it back to the Millennium BFG, unaware that Akagi and Fuyutsuki have hidden a homing device inside the ship. At the rebel base, Rei lifts up Shigeru's long hair, which is covering up the set of plans for the Death Geofront. Maya: Thank you, Shinji Skywalker, for escorting Princess Inorganica here. Shinji: Well, you're welcome. But I should probably be leaving. Maya: Won't you stay with us and fight against the Death Geofront? We need every pilot we can get. Shinji: I don't care. I just want to go home. Or maybe just go back to Ennuine and stand by the big hole in the ground where home used to be. Maya: Shinji...please. Otherwise... She brings out a baseball bat and pounds Rei into a pulp. Maya: Otherwise, Rei here will have to pilot. Rei: Ow. Shinji: *gulp* OK, I'll do it. Maya: Good. Go pick out an X-wing and check back in five minutes. Now, Captain Solo, how can we reward you? Eh? *Kensuke whispers something in her ear* I don't know what you're talking about. *whisper whisper* I'm sure that the cameras were turned off. *whisper whisper* OK, I'll go get the tape. A few minutes later, Shinji is behind the wheel of a big purple X-wing fighter. He is blind with tears of panic as the whole rest of the fleet is being picked off around him. Somehow he makes it into the trench, where a huge battery of guns starts firing at him. Spooky Voice: Shiiinjiii...Shiiiinjiiii Shinji: Kuh-kuh-kuh-Kaji? Is that you? Spooky Voice: Shiiinjiii...Puuull uuup... Misunderstanding what the voice was talking about, Shinji discovers that, in fact, his zipper _is_ down. As he pulls it up his elbow knocks into the steering control and he goes flying out of the trench. At that same instant, the Millennium BFG drops down into the trench and blows the whole thing to smithereens. Fuyutsuki: I'll say hi to Yui for you, Ikari. *dies* Akagi: BAAAASTAAAAARD! *she goes flying off into space* Kensuke swoops by to grab Shinji, who is still struggling with his fly, and they go back. Down on the moon base there is much celebrating. The pilots return to the cheering of the entire Rebellion. Kensuke laps it up, Touji just takes a bow and blushes, Shinji tries to hide away until he can slink off and kill himself. But to no avail. In a big ta-da ceremony, Rei presents Kensuke with a big fat medal for his courage and saving the day. He bends over to receive it just far enough to get a good look at her cleavage. Touji: Raaoowr. Shinji: I hope the stains come out too. -- Hoshi no Sensou Evangelion THE REBELLION HAS WON A GREAT VICTORY by blowing up the Death Geofront. But their initial success has made them overconfident (surprised?) and now they must regroup and prepare for the Empire counteroffensive. In their base on the frozen planet of Jetalone, they plan, unaware of how close the Empire is to them. Empire: Eeeeeha! Rebellion: What was that? Somebody finishing a beer? Empire: No, you're just imagining things. Rebellion: Oh. Shinji Skywalker rides through the icy wastes of Jetalone on his faithful Penpen. It's grim and cold, a flat white waste. Kind of what you'd imagine Nancy Reagan looks like half-naked. There is a chirp on his radio. Shinji: Uh...this is "Magnificent Death Warrior 1". And Kensuke, if this is you, I get to choose the nicknames next time. Kensuke: Shut up! You're not supposed to use my real name. You have to use my code name. Shinji: Fine. Magnificent Death Warrior 2, are you there? Kensuke: Yeah. I just saw something kind of funny-looking slam down into a snowbank, probably a meteor. I'm going to go check it out. Shinji: Roger. Kensuke: What about you? Shinji: Uh, nothing. Over and out, I guess. Zeruel: Roar. *whap* And Shinji blacked out. Meanwhile, across the snowfields, Kensuke and Touji watch as an Imperial probe that looks suspiciously like a ceramic cat pops up and starts scouting around. Kensuke: It's toast. He blows it into little bits and pieces with ANOTHER big gun. Up in space, the controller of the probe gives a grunt of disgust. Controller: Crud. It blew up. Akagi: I feel...a disturbance in the GAINAX. What happened just before that probe was destroyed? Controller: Uh, it found a copy of Otaku no Video lying around. Akagi: We've got them. Send everyone you've got down to the planet's surface. Meanwhile, Shinji comes to his senses to see that his only company is a still-articulated skeleton of his Penpen. All the meat has been cleaned off. Also, there's a huge blizzard going on, and he's slowly freezing to death. Fortunately, his masterful command of the GAINAX kicks in. Kaji: Shinji... Shinji: Obi-Wan... Kaji: Shinji, you must go to DayGloBar, where you will study with Master Kaworu. Shinji: DayGloBar... He passes out just as Kensuke and Touji show up on their Penpens. Kensuke: Poor kid. We need to get him back to base. Look at how hungry he was. Touji: Aroo! Kensuke and Touji carry Shinji into the base. Their entourage is there to greet them. Maya: Solo! Youbaka! Do you have any idea how stupid it is to go out into the middle of a blizzard? If you'd stayed out there any longer you would have been Rebelsicles! Kensuke: Sorry, ma'am. But we soldiers don't leave men behind. Makoto: Master Shinji! It is so good to see you back safe and sound! Shigeru: Twang twang twang twang! He pokes Shinji with a guitar pick on a little armature. Shinji jolts awake to see Rei looking at him. Rei: It is a good thing that you survived, Skywalker. Shinji: Rei...you make me really really happy...will you smile for me? Rei blushes, but she screws her face up into a smile. Shinji can't believe what's going through his mind all of a sudden and blacks out. Then Kensuke gets an idea. Kensuke: Rei...will you take off all your clothes for me? Maya: SOLO! Kensuke: Sorry, ma'am. Maya: Don't try it again, Solo. Kensuke: Wouldn't even think of it, ma'am. Maya: Get me security. A little while later, Darth Akagi and her UN minions show up, and Shinji and the Millennium BFG make it out just in the nick of time. Akagi watches them go flying out, making sure to scribble down the license plate number of the Millennium BFG. Most of the fleet takes off into hyperspace, but the Millennium BFG and Shinji's purple X-wing go their own separate ways. Shigeru: Twang twang twang twang? Shinji: No, Shigeru. We're going to the DayGloBar system. Shigeru: Twang! Twang twang-ah-twang twang? Shinji: No, I haven't. What do you mean, get dressed up? Soon they arrive at the DayGloBar system. It is a horrendously ugly star system, with one particularly garish planet, all in pinks and yellows and greens. Shinji crash lands in the swamp, not really used to landing in the middle of a mud patch. Shinji: Aw, geez. I had to go and crash my X-wing, that'll take forever to get out. Shigeru: Twang! Twang twang! Shinji: Yeah, that does kind of sound like Erasure in the background. It smells funny, too. Kind of like clove cigarettes and Chanel Pour Homme. Well, we should probably head over that way, it's as good as any. I just hope we... Kaworu: Hello, pilot. Shinji: ...get picked up by someone. Kaworu: I say I say I say, you do look like you're in a bit of a fix. You'll be here a long while, from the looks of it. But don't worry, I don't mind visitors. Long visitors. Shinji: Ah--that is, I'm looking for a Master Kaworu. Kaworu: Masssster Kaworu. I like the sound of that. Massster. Shinji: You know him? Kaworu: I am Kaworu. Who's your pimp? Shinji: What? Kaworu: Who sent you here? Shinji: Oh. Obi-Wan Kaji. He's dead, but he told me to study the way of the GAINAX with you. Kaworu: But, of course. Now, come with me. You'll be sharing my house with me, my food, my bath... Shinji: Where will I be sleeping? Kaworu: Oh, you're a saucy one, aren't you? Shinji: I wouldn't know. A large chunk of time passes. Shinji learns a lot of things, some of which are relevant to GAINAX, but most of which are naughty and leave suspicious marks on difficult-to-see parts of him the next morning. On board an Imperial Destroyer, Darth Akagi is pacing furiously. Akagi: Dammit! I could train someone in the ways of the GAINAX in as long as it's taking to find those miserable rebels! Asuka: That's why you need me, Asuka Fett, the greatest bounty hunter ever in the history of everything, to hunt them down for you! I'll find that whimp Shinji and...uh, everyone else. Kensuke, right? That was one of them. Yeah. Akagi: Hm. You may have a point there, using subterfuge instead of brute force. Well, we'll let you off here, then jump into hyperspace and fly away from you so not to attract attention. Asuka: Why, Darth Akagi! You're almost as clever as I am! Akagi: Thank you. Get down to that ship of yours and get out of my sight. *to herself* Uh oh, that's right, the Emperor was going to call me right about now. Emperor: Darth Akagi. Akagi: My lord. Emperor: There is a disturbance in the GAINAX, as if a closet bisexual is learning to cope with his first sexual encounter. Akagi: I've felt it myself, my lord. It is that young Skywalker boy. Emperor: If he could be converted to the dark side of the GAINAX...we could have huge full-screen captions for any major event, and mysterious characters that are only referred to but become immortalized by the fan community. Akagi: I have given it much thought, my lord. I shall not fail you. Emperor: Everything is proceeding according to the plan. *vwip* Akagi: Oh thank God. Fett, don't you dare let me down. All ships, prepare to jump to hyperspace! Hooked on to the ship right underneath Akagi's window, Kensuke slips his stethoscope back into his pocket and mutters under his breath. Kensuke: Damn! Looks like I have to yank out the satellite cable splice now, and no more free power. Touji: Aroo? Arg arrrg waaarrrr? Kensuke: Yep, it looks like they're going to jump into hyperspace. When that happens, we just float off with the junk they dump and voila! We warp on out of here. Princess? That sound like a plan to you? Rei is staring off into space. Rei: I'm bored. Which means she's REALLY bored. Kensuke: Oh, come on. We've had my manga this whole time, I showed you my guns, I gave you my history of the First World War, what's the matter with you? Rei: I am a clone of Skywalker's mother, whose genetic material has been spliced together with alien DNA to make a half-human chimera. Kensuke: Uh--huh. I thought so. Why don't we get ready to take off? Rei: Very well. A few minutes later, the Destroyer dumps its trash and Kensuke takes the claw off the Destroyer. Unbeknownst to him, Asuka Fett is watching with covetous eyes. Asuka: The bounty on your ass is mine. Ha ha ha ha! On the planet DayGloBar, it's another average day. Shinji: Now, wait a minute here. How is giving you a coconut oil massage going to help me in the ways of the GAINAX? Kaworu: Just do it, Shinji-kun. Shinji: No! I want an explanation! Kaworu: Very good, Shinji. You see? You stood up for yourself, you didn't just take orders blindly. Soon, you will be a true GAINAX Knight. In fact, in just about a week, you should be ready to go. Shinji: You're serious? Kaworu: Give me just seven days, and I'll make you a man. Shinji:... Kaworu: Oh, be sure and get my flanks, will you? Kensuke is sweating as they fly through hyperspace. Rei: You are nervous. Kensuke: Yeah. Here's the story--we're low on fuel and supplies. The nearest place we can go, the best choice we have, is to go visit Hikari. Touji: Raaaawr! Aaarg! Rei: What is 'Hikari'? Kensuke: Not a what, a who. Hikari is...an old friend. Touji: Aarg! Rawr! Rooooar, waaar! Rei: Is that what a 'friend' does to another 'friend'? Kensuke: Heh heh hehe...she's probably forgotten all about that. I think. I hope. The Millennium BFG zips in to the Cloud City over the planet Homeroom, and parks on a suspiciously spacious jetway. Kensuke gulps audibly and pushes Touji down the gangplank with him. Rei says nothing. Not because she has nothing to say, for once, but because she has no clue how to express the concept "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" in her own idiom. Kensuke leaves Touji to cower with Rei while he negotiates with the city officials. His own heart palpitations increase as he realizes who's coming out to meet them. Hikari: Kensuke Solo! You've got a lot of nerve to show your face around here! Kensuke: Hi. Hi, Hikari. Hikari: "Hi, Hikari"? Is that the best you can do? I give you the starship, you give me the Touji, is there some part of that deal that didn't get through to you? Kensuke: Now, listen. Youbaka is his own free person, I don't control him. Hikari: *sigh* I know. It was all a big misunderstanding, wasn't it? Now, why don't you come in and have a bento box with me. Kensuke: Shuh-shuh-shuh-shuh-sure. Sounds luh-like fun. C'mon! Guys! It's time to eat! Hurry up, everything's cool! Against her own misgivings, Rei follows the group down through the streets of Cloud City. Rei: Solo...are you sure that this a wise idea? Kensuke: Nothing to worry about. The worst thing that can happen is that we get a free meal and then Hikari hands us over to the Empire. Akagi: Or, she could hand you over before you have a chance to eat. Kensuke: Crap. Rei: It's a trap. Touji: Arooo! Hikari: Sorry, guys. I'm a good girl, I don't want any trouble here. Kensuke: Screw you, kissass. I'm pipe-bombing the girl's locker room while you're in it sometime real soon. Akagi: Enough of these violent pleasantries. Shall we dine? Rei: Do you have any vegetarian bento boxes? Akagi: Ah, good question! I had you in mind when I made them. They're all filled with raw pork. Full Screen Caption: AND SO Full Screen Caption: THE MEMBERS OF THE REBELLION Full Screen Caption: FELL INTO DARTH AKAGI'S HANDS Shinji: I'm getting a message through the GAINAX...my friends are in trouble! I have to go save them! Kaworu: But your disciplining--I mean, your training is not yet complete. Shinji: I'll finish it when I get back. I have to help them! They're my friends! Kaworu: You must do what you feel is right, Shinji. But Shinji, listen to me very carefully. Shinji: Yes? Kaworu: Before you sit down in that bucket seat, you might want to slip a cushion under your rear end. Shinji: Oh, yeah. Thanks. Shinji flies his purple X-wing pell-mell through space and reaches Cloud City before you can say "Zankoku na tenshi no youni". When he lands, he finds the neighborhood he is in strangely deserted. Loudspeaker: We repeat. As of 10:30 a state of emergency has been declared... Shinji: Aw, man. Now I have to go off and hide in some bunker. Wait! An image floats into his vision of a blue-haired girl in a school uniform, staring at him. Shinji: Ah-ha! Rei is actually my sister, and all of humanity needs to unite in a common consciousness for evolution to proceed! Akagi: You have learned much, young Skywalker, but your training in the GAINAX is not complete. Shinji: Give me back my friends! Akagi: I cannot do that. Use your powers and find them yourself. Shinji: Uh, looks like...Kensuke has been frozen in carbonite and is being taken back to Ennuine to the palace of Misato the Hutt, Hikari is trying to convince Touji that his sister will forgive him for keeping her from dying as a virgin, and Rei is sneaking up right behind you. Akagi: What? Shinji: Gotcha! *zwerm* Akagi: *zwam* *krakkrakkrak* So, you've grown a spine...and developed some bruises on your bottom. You must've been studying with Kaworu. Shinji: You do know this GAINAX stuff pretty well. Akagi: No, you're just gay. Shinji: What? I'M NOT GAY! Akagi: Yi-yi-yi-yi! *zwerm* Shinji: Ow! My hand! If I hadn't been trying to give myself a hand job through my flight suit, I could've been killed! Akagi: No...you would've just ended up a castrated idiot...like your father... Shinji: You know my father? Akagi: I...am your father's girlfriend! Shinji: No! No! You can't be! Akagi: Come, join the dark side of the GAINAX! See naked women floating all over the place, and watch huge robots eating up funny-looking creatures from other dimensions! Shinji: Never! Rei, help me! Akagi: Ha! You can't try that trick on me again! *thunk* Rei: Come with me, Skywalker. And so, despite the wounds to his pride and his body, and the fact that he isn't able to wank off all through the trip home, Shinji lives to fight another day. -- Hoshi no Sensou Evangelion THE REBELLION HAS SUFFERED A TERRIBLE LOSS with their defeat on Jetalone and the attack on some of their finest members. On the desert planet of Ennuine, Kensuke Solo is held captive in a carbonite block in the palace of Misato the Hutt. But help is on its way... The palace of Misato the Hutt is like a cross between a sleazy bar and a college dorm room. All kinds of scantily-clad, inhibition-free folk wander around in can sake-induced deleria. Misato the Hutt herself lies on a dais that looks suspiciously like an old warn-out couch. She is dressed in a beer stained cutoff tee and cutoff shorts. She belches loudly as one of the few folks who has remained largely sober in her service comes in, bearing two captives. Misato: What've you got there? Asuka: These two droids were hanging around outside. They claim to be 'gifts' to you. Misato: I don't want 'em. Take a note to kill whoever sent 'em over. Shigeru: Twang twang twang! A life-sized hologram of Shinji appears. Misato: Hey, I know that kid. He's starting to look halfway decent. Or, maybe I'm drunk. Asuka, got your sights on anyone? Asuka: Shut up. Shinji: Greetings, Misato the Hutt. I have sent these two droids to you as a gift, to use in whatever functions you so desire. I request, in exchange, that you set Kensuke Solo free. You may consider this offer at your leisure. Asuka: Hm. What do you say? Misato: Speaking coherently. It's an old GAINAX mind trick. Eh, to hell with it. If they want that otaku so badly, they can come and get him. Asuka: Scheisse, you have no idea how the GAINAX works, do you? You've just given him away, for Chrissakes, they'll come in here and kill us all! Misato: No worries. Now, as for you two droids....*BRAK* Makoto: Oh, no! You'll probably do something ridiculously perverse, like watch me bathe in sake and then pleasure myself! Misato: Actually, no. I'm throwing you in the dungeon, where you'll rot. Makoto: Um. Would this be one of those dungeons with whips and chains and manacles? Misato: No, about all it's got are flesh-eating bacteria. And if you get unruly down there I'll send Asuka to spend some quality time with you. Makoto: May I please kill myself now? Misato: No, you may not. As for you, you little squirt, go join the band. Shigeru: Twang. Early that next morning, Shigeru slips out to the front gate and lets Shinji in. Shinji proceeds to free Kensuke from the carbonite. The sound is like static electricity. The smell is like fire. The expression on Kensuke's face is appalling. Kensuke: Ow. I feel like I've been stuck in a sewage drain pipe with two raving Sailor Moon fans. Shinji: Kensuke? Kensuke: Shinji? Is that you? I can't see anything. What are you doing here? Misato: Shinji Skywalker, what are you doing here? Kensuke: Crud. Shinji: I'm going to take him and leave. For freedom is a priceless... Misato: Don't try using that GAINAX speech on me. Guards! Get him! We're going for a little ride. Now, going out into the bright hot sun is not the sort of thing you should be doing when you're hung over, but Misato isn't a terribly clear thinker, especially not early in the afternoon when she's sleeping. Before too long, their speeder is hovering over a large revolting hole in the desert sand. Shinji: Has your eyesight returned? Kensuke: No. Shinji: You're not missing much. Misato: You see this pit, Skywalker? This is where I used to practice for home Ec! My bouillabaisse, my creme sauces, my borsch, they're all simmering down in that hole! You'll spend your last days suffering through the agony of my cooking! Push him *gulp gulp gulp gulp* in! Shinji, being sure not to look down for fear of losing his courage, pushes Kensuke overboard. Out of nowhere a speeder has appeared with Rei, Touji, Hikari and Makoto. Touji catches Kensuke as he falls. Hikari steers in close to Misato's ship as Rei jumps onto the speeder with Shinji. Shinji and Rei start knocking people off. Misato: What! How dare they ruin my execution. Asuka, go stop them. Asuka: Screw you, I don't want to do it. Misato: And pass up a chance to show that Skywalker punk how good you are and how terrible he is? Asuka: Well, when you put it like that, all right. Asuka jumps over to the speeder at the same instant that Hikari and Touji (at the guns) strafe Misato's ship, killing almost everyone onboard. They dump Makoto out directly on to Misato herself. Makoto: Wa-hooo! I got 'er! Thanks guys, see you next lifetime! Touji: Arooo! Hikari: Now let's go get Shinji and Rei! Rei is busy knocking a few more disposable cast members off into the cooking pit while Asuka and Shinji square off. Asuka: What kind of weapon are you packing there, Skywalker? Shinji: It's called a "Progressive Knife". Asuka: Hm. I've heard about them before, but I've never seen one. Looking at it, I feel repulsed, and yet, curious. What is it like to have one? Shinji: I don't fully control it...it has a mind of its very own. All I can do is be the best person I can be, and believe in myself that it will obey my command. But what is it to be a good person? Will I ever know? Asuka: zzzzzzzz Shinji: Damn. I can only use the GAINAX to obtain information or in my own defense, not when there's an opponent asleep on her feet in front of me. Guess I'll take her with me and fight her when she wakes up. Hikari: Shinji! Come on, we need to get out of here! Shinji: I'll be right down! With a grunt he throws Asuka over one shoulder and jumps down to the speeder. Hikari: Shinji, you idiot! What are you doing, bringing Asuka Fett with you? Kensuke: Give her half a chance and she'll kill all of us! Touji: Arooo! Warg arg! Shigeru: Twaaaang! Twang twang-a-twang! Rei: It is a most inappropriate tactical maneuver. Shinji: Look, I just can't help but feel that there's some good in her that I can... He looks at Asuka, looks at the front of his trousers, looks back at Asuka, looks at where his hand is on Asuka, and takes a deep breath of air. Shinji: I need a potty break. Now. When they reach the Millennium BFG, nobody really wants Shinji to be alone with Asuka, but nobody really wants to be the one with her when she wakes up, either. So people begrudgingly let Shinji watch over Asuka in his private cabin while Asuka sleeps a fitful sleep... Little Asuka: Mama! Mama! I passed the test, I get to be a bounty hunter now, Mama! I know I'm still a little girl, but everyone's depending on me to do the best I can! You'll be so proud of me, won't you, Mama? In her dream, she opens the door of her home. There before her is... Little Asuka: What's this? A note. "Dear Asuka-chan, please tell your father I've left him for Kato Kaelin. When you're 18 you're welcome to come live with us in Salt Lake City, where we'll be living with your second mommy, Hillary Clinton." AAAAAUGH! Now in touch with the rage and sorrow that has driven her to be a bounty hunter for so many, many years, Asuka wakes up crying to hear someone in the bathroom. Asuka: *sniffle* Who's that? Shinji: Just me! I'm...washing my hands. I'll be right out. *ziiiiip* Shinji, looking disturbingly relaxed, comes out to talk to Asuka. Asuka: Skywalker, you saved my life. *sniff* Why did you do it? Shinji: I saw into your soul. I saw that you're a sad little girl who's been without any inner meaning in her life, who's trying to fill a void the mother she never really knew wouldn't fill. Asuka: Shinji, that's so deep. However did you see that much about me? Shinji: Well, that's Rei and me both for ya. *sigh* Unfortunately, that doesn't solve my problems. Asuka: Why don't you tell me? Maybe I can help you with them. Shinji: OK. Basically, I'm caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea. On the one hand, I want to join with my father the Emperor and become next in line to rule the entire Galaxy. On the other, I could join the Rebellion, overthrow him and become some really powerful political bigwig. What can I do? Asuka: ...need a girlfriend? Shinji: Why, yes! Do you really care about me that much? Asuka: Oh, yeah, yeah, that sounds like a real problem you've got there, but I'm sure it'll all be resolved in the end. Shinji: In the end...in the end...Master Kaworu! I need to see Master Kaworu and finish my GAINAX disciplining! I mean, training. I need to go to the DayGloBar with him. Asuka: Oh, can't you just stand him up? Aboard the Test Type Death Star, Emperor Gendo and his entourage have just shown up, and he is in conference with Darth Akagi. Akagi: This battle station is now fully operational, thanks to the system we incorporated using the three-part MAGI computer system my predecessor designed...my mother designed, I should say. Each part is designed to reflect a part of her consciousness: mother, woman, scientist. These three will be in eternal conflict with each other, approaching each decision from independent perspectives. Gendo: Yes. Now take my jizz. *ziiiip* Akagi: Again?!? Already? Far away from that scene, Shinji is discovering one of the unpleasant aspects of being a GAINAX Knight. Shinji: I have to KILL you? Kaworu: You must do it. It is the only way to continue your training. Shinji: But why? Kaworu: Do it of your own free will, make your own decision. Shinji: Master, you're being an annoying bastard, and even though I lost my virginity to you, dammit, I have my limits. *zweerm* Kaworu: Gak! Good, that's it. Shinji... Shinji: Yes? Kaworu: There is...come closer... Shinji: Yes, Master? Kaworu: There is...there is...there is something called herpes, and if I were you, I'd go see a doctor pretty quick. *ack* Shinji: Goodbye, Master Kaworu. I'll always....have really mixed feelings about you. Shinji and Shigeru fly off and shortly join up with their comrades in the rebellion. Kensuke and Touji are happy enough to see him. Hikari grumbles about being kept away from "her" Touji, Asuka is beginning to have second thoughts about what she was doing, and Rei is her usual noncommittal self. Maya: If I could have everyone's attention. Despite the slow and painful death of several of our operatives at the hands of the UN Empire, we have obtained the following information. The Emperor himself is visiting the Death Star-01. Similar to the Death Geofront, it is protected by an A T Field generated on the nearby planet of Endofeva. We will send a small group in a shuttle craft to the planet's surface and blow the generator up, then destroy the Death Star with our small but difficult-to-shoot fleet. Are there any questions? Asuka: You idiot! That'll never work. Kensuke: That's not a question. Asuka: Shut up, I'll say what I like. Shinji: Gee, I don't know. I guess I should go, but I don't know if it'll help. Hikari: Oh, a top-secret mission, cramped together in a stolen shuttle craft, landing in the hot, lush, steamy jungle... Touji: Aroooooo! Kensuke: You're becoming a real pain junkie, you know that, Touji? Maya: Seeing no questions, we'll depart immediately. May the GAINAX be with us. Full Screen Caption: AND SO IT BEGAN. Asuka: Well, there's a positive sign. So Kensuke, Shinji, Rei and Asuka all go down to the surface of Endofeva. It is the kind of green, humid place where athlete's feet grows without needing feet to grow on, and where environmentalists get the heebie-jeebies trying to decide which tree they'll chain themselves to. Lush doesn't even begin to describe it. Asuka: Right! The first thing we do is elect a leader which, naturally, will be me. So now you have to do what I say. Shinji: Uh, whatever. Kensuke: I think we'd better split up. Asuka: Excellent suggestion, Mr. Kensuke! We'll split up. Shinji and I will go this way. You and Wonder Girl...eh? There are now four identical Reis staring at Asuka staring at them. Shinji: She meant "split up" figuratively, not literally. Reis: Oh. Asuka: That's better. Kensuke and Wonder Girl can go that way. See you later! Last one to the power generator's a rotten egg! Kensuke: Wait! Wait a second! Asuka: What's the matter? You can't stand Wonder Girl either? Kensuke: No, the thing is, she's already wandered off. Shinji: Good job, Asuka. Asuka: Hmph! It isn't my fault she takes everything so literally, and then gets into trouble--AAAUGH! At that instant, Asuka steps straight into a large snare and the group is suspended in a net about four meters off the ground. Asuka: This is YOUR fault, Shinji! If I hadn't been distracted by you and your sarcasm, this wouldn't have happened! Shinji: It's not my fault! This wouldn't have happened at all if you hadn't let Rei wander off! Asuka: Oh, now all of a sudden I'm responsible for WONDER GIRL'S idiosyncrasies? Kensuke: You DID appoint yourself leader, you nutcase. Asuka: Nutcase? When I get my hands on you, Kensuke Solo, your nutcase is as good as GONE. And Shinji, get your hand off of my frigging leg this instant, you pervert! Shinji: Sorry! Voices from all around: ROOOAR! ROOOAR! Asuka, Shinji and Kensuke: Uh oh. They are slowly lowered to the ground. All around them are tiny mecha, about as big as the EVA models you see for sale. They look like...EVAs. They're red, purple, blue, white, all with funky designs and mystical symbolism. EVAs: Rooar! Rooar! Shinji: Augh! Don't hurt us! We'll come quietly! Asuka: Shinji, you whimp! We can fight them. Kensuke: Uh, they have tactical superiority. Shinji: And sharp sticks. Asuka: Shut up. The three are led to the EVA's tree village, where they are greeted by... Asuka: Wonder Girl? Shinji: REI? Kensuke: You look beautiful! It's true. Rei's pallid skin has seen some moisturizer action, and her hair looks decent for once. This is what happens when the Princess Leia Effect finally catches up. She blushes. Rei: Er...that is...please, put them down. I don't want to eat them. EVAs: ROOOAR! ROOAR! Rei: No, you can't eat them either. They're not angels. EVAs: Roooooooar! Rei: I know, but...uh, they're special humans. EVAs: ROOAR! Rei: No, they're not even angels in THAT sense of the word. Shinji: You can communicate with these things? Rei: I can synchronize with them. Asuka: Well, synchronize them into letting us go already! Kensuke: And maybe into telling us where the generator is. Night comes to Endofeva, and there is a huge celebration while the EVAs roar out a few pointers for the rebels and beat out classical music ditties on primitive EVA instruments. But this is not a night like other nights in the Galaxy. No! This...is a night ...for love. Ladies and gentlemen, the Chef! Chef: It don't matter if you're a droid, now, baby, It don't matter if you're a wookie, 'Cause it's dark out and there's no-one about, It's time for some nookie! I'm gonna make love to you, sweet momma, Gonna take you on a ride, Gonna power up my light saber, And then you'll feel the Force inside! Ladies and gentlemen, the Chef. It is a night for love. On Ennuine... Misato: No. Makoto: Please. Misato: No. Makoto: Please. Misato: No. Makoto: Please. Misato: No. Makoto: Please. Misato: No no no no no no! Makoto: Please. Misato: ...I'll think about it. In space... Hikari: Would you come to the kitchen for a few minutes, Youbaka? I've been working on a bento box for you, and I'd like you to open it up. Touji: Woof woof woof! Aboard the Death Star... Akagi: Are you almost done down there? Gendo: Everything is proceeding according to the plan. And lastly, on Endofeva. Shinji finds Asuka staring up at the Death Star, as if it was a moon itself. Asuka: Don't say it, Shinji. You have to go and face your father, don't you? Shinji: Yes. I mustn't run away from him any longer. How did you know? Asuka: You've been whispering, " I don't want to face my father in a titanic battle of the wills of good and evil," to yourself all evening. Shinji: Er, have I? Asuka: Yes. We had to ask you to shut up twice, remember? Shinji: Ah, yes. I do remember now. There is a pause, then a gulp, then another pause. Shinji: Asuka...if I make it back from this all right...I want to start seeing more of you. Asuka: R--really, Shinji? Why's that? Shinji: Well, I realize that I need someone, or something, to keep me going. I just can't sit around and let things happen. I need to know I'm not alone. And even though you aren't always nice to me, I'd...I'd like to think you could be, and that I could be a good guy for you. Maybe, I could play my cello for you, or something. Asuka: God, how... Shinji: Eerk! Asuka: ...sincere. Thank you, Shinji. I'd like that. Do you want to kiss me? Shinji: OK. Asuka: Wait, your breathing is tickling me... In another part of the village, Rei is wandering around looking sad while Kensuke is videotaping the neat primitive weapons the EVAs have. By chance, they run into each other. Rei: Hello, Solo. Kensuke: Hi, Rei. What's the matter? Rei: It's nothing. Kensuke: I've never seen you expressing any emotion, but right now you actually look unhappy. What's the matter? Rei: I feel...uneasy. Uncertain. Skywalker is leaving us soon. Kensuke: Of course you're worried about him, Rei. It's only natural. Rei: Is that so? That friends should be concerned for each other...and that siblings should be concerned for each other. Yes. Thank you, Solo. I see myself now. Kensuke: You're welcome, Rei. Rei? Rei: Yes? Kensuke: Will you take off all your clothes for me? Rei: I will. Kensuke: WHAT? YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT? HOLY CRAP! Overcome with mid-puberty hormones, Kensuke faints and plummets off the catwalk head-first. A little while later, Shinji shows up at the front gate of the generator base. Uncertain of what to do, he tries the direct approach. Shinji: Excuse me! Hello? I'm a rebel, and I'd like to give up. Uh, I was wrong about the rebellion, it's all a really bad idea. Ow! Hey, leggo! What are you--mmf! Akagi: Let him go. Greetings, young Skywalker. We meet again. Shinji: Yes. But now, I am a man. I create and destroy-- Akagi: Cut the GAINAX crud already, young man. Just come with me to your father. Here's my shuttle, we'll soon be done with it. Shinji: Uh-oh. This isn't going well already. Voice: Thank you for choosing Nefarious Villain Airlines. Please make sure your tray tables are in the full upright position... The next morning, the three remaining rebels and their cute artificial human comrades begin their assault on the power station. EVAs: Roooar! Roooar! Asuka: OK, I understand. The main power supply is over there... Kensuke: Roger. *click* *BOOM* Power supply: *KABLOOOEY!* Asuka: Now that's a big gun. Kensuke: Gee, thanks. Rei: Can we go home now? At that very moment, up on the soon-to-be-doomed Test Type Death Star, Akagi is presenting her captive to the Emperor. Akagi: Here he is, Shinji. Shinji: Father! Gendo: It's been a long time, son. Now, listen to me. I want you to join the dark side of the GAINAX. Shinji: No! NEVER! Gendo: Shinji... Shinji: Er, uh... Gendo: It's either you or Rei, who's it going to be? Shinji: Ah, crap. All right. But just one last thing. Gendo: Yes? Shinji: Is she really your girlfriend? Gendo: No. I've just been using her for sex and to keep her in control. Akagi: Why...you little COCKSUCKER! Gendo: Are you still here, bitch? Go get me and the kid a beer. Akagi: Yi-yi-yi-yi-y! In the titanic battle of Evil vs. Itself that follows, Gendo is killed by a vibrator in a horrific way that, even in this work, defies description. In the process, however, Akagi is mortally wounded. Shinji: Akagi...you're going to die. Akagi: I don't mind. That bastard deserved it. Shinji, help me take off my mask. I want to see the man who beat me for his emotions with my own eyes. She slips under the wave as Shinji removes her helmet...then her faceplate...then her coat...then her breastplate... Voice, same as on the shuttle: Now, now, Shinji. Boys like you shouldn't have necrophilic tendencies. Shinji: Mother? Is that you? Voice: Yes, dear. Your father downloaded my consciousness into the operating system of the computers here, killing Ritsuko-chan's mother in the process. Shinji: Mother! You--you're going to get blown up here, shortly. Voice: Don't worry about it, sweetheart. There's a nice safe shuttle craft down in Hangar 3 just a few doors away from you. You should be worried about yourself. Shinji: I'll make it, Mother. And I swear, I'll be the best boy ever. Voice: You already are, dearheart. But don't run! Or you'll trip and hurt yourself. Shinji: All right, Mother. Voice: What was that? Shinji: I said, "All right, Mother." Voice: You watch your tongue, young man. I may be a disembodied consciousness straining the definition of what is "alive", but I'm still your mother. Shinji: I know. Mother? Voice: Yes, honey? Shinji: If I think a girl is beautiful, but everyone else finds her cold, am I being stupid? Voice: Oh, don't worry, dear. They just don't understand her like you do. Shinji: Thanks, Mother. It's so good to hear you say that. Voice: Now, go on down to the hangar and get your shuttle, dear. And so, getting out of his mother and thereby symbolically setting his Oedipal desires to rest, Shinji flies with the final wing of fighters away from the doomed space station. There is a horrendous noise as the Death Star explodes...and then there is another horrendous noise as the EVAs begin their celebration down on Endofeva. Kaworu: Ah! This is the kind of party that makes me feel glad I'm already dead. Kaji: Rit-chan... Akagi: Yes, Kaji-_san_? Kaji: Temper! I'd just like to point out that we're together in the afterlife forever, and Misato-chan is stuck with Makoto for the next fifty years. Akagi: Oh, all right, who cares...it's not like I'm going to get pregnant or anything. Closing Theme: Switchblade Symphony with special guest Andrew Eldritch, "Fly Me to the Moon." -- Copyright 1999 Daniel Snyder. Permission granted to duplicate in any digital/binary/e-mail form; however, any physical printout is strictly prohibited. Based on characters created by GAINAX and George Lucas. Neon Genesis Evangelion is by GAINAX, Star Wars is by Lucasfilm Limited. Any similarity between these characters and persons living or deceased is purely coincidental. This work was inspired by Kathy Hassinger's brilliant Slayers/Star Wars crossover "Star Wars--Men In Tights". See her web page at http://www.geocities.com/~queenofswords for more on that. Any similiarities between this story and hers are unintended, but flattering, I hope. Thanks also to prereaders for their comments, especially that one about "Don't drink and try to read this story at the same time." Daniel Snyder Please direct all mail to dsnydder@gunnm-seraphim.org If I wasn't such a strange person, this would all seem so confusing.