From: "JOYCE K WAKABAYASHI" Subject: [Eva/UY][FanFic] Urusai Asuka Don't ask me why I wrote this. I just kept having this vision of Asuka with horns. My one and only Shinji-Rei romance story. "I heard that you were chosen to represent Earth." said Rei, who was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that said, "Blue-Haired Girls rule." She and Shinji were hanging out near a cliff on the outskirts of Tokyo. "Yeah, I have to go up against one of the Oni in a game of tag." "You're not a bad sprinter. You've improved a lot." "Kinda wish it was you they chose." "What, trying to dump the responsibility on me?" she said coolly. "No, I just think you'd have a better chance at winning." Shinji said, smiling. Rei blushed. "Don't embarrass me." Shinji turned and looked at the vista of Tokyo before him. "I'm scared. I could get beaten to a pulp." "I'll take revenge. I'll spear him to death." said Rei. The voice was serious, but he turned to see a brief smile flash across her face. Other people found her aloof, even scary. But it only too a little effort to see the cool, deadpan humor and receive the unbelievable loyalty that shook at nothing. Besides, a champion javelin thrower like her probably would spear him. "What are you thinking?" "Thinking?" "Yes." "I was thinking that the first time I saw you, you weren't really there." "Hmmm?" "I was in the backseat of the car. I had just moved to Tokyo. I saw, for a second, a girl just like you. But then you disappeared. I went to school the next day and saw you, but you'd been in bed that day. I don't care how big Tokyo is, there's only one Rei Ayanami." "The sun is setting. We should hike back to the train station." "Yeah." Rei fell asleep on the train. He looked at the sleeping girl. When he had first asked about her, the rest of the boys had told him that she was pretty and smart, but that she was really icy and remote like a station in the Antarctic. She only really talked to the members of the track and field, and swimming because she was the javelin champion as wel as a sprinter. He tried out for track. After three weeks, he'd improved his time, but hadn't gotten around to saying a word to her. He was about to give up when she went up to him. "You keep staring at me in class, why?" "Because. . .because. Well. . . when I moved here, I thought I saw you walking about on the street. But everybody told me you were at the hospital. I thought it might mean something. I don't know." She was quiet for a while, then said, "Your form is terrible. Let me teach you how to run." They started running a lap. She told him, "Don't swing your arms this way and that. Straight backward and forward to conserve momentum. Everything is efficiency. Raise your knees higher. That's better." Shinji was seriously sweating. "Do you want to practice with me sometime? I really need the help." Rei shrugged. "Ok." It had been slow, excruciatingly slow getting her to really open up. But he began to see that her coolness was actually a cover for dry deadpan humor. Her sister was Ruri Hoshino, also an albino, who thought everyone was baka except for members of her family. He asked why they had different last names. She stopped and jogged in place. "It's a weird thing. I'm the daughter of Ritsuko Akagi though Maya Ibuki is the one who actually takes care of the daily stuff. My sister and I have different sperm donors. My mother got the right to the donor's sperm under the condition we take their last name of the donors. I don't know why our hair and skin turned out the way it did." "Your mother's the one who brought down Bill Gates with her operating system?" "Yeah, that's her." "Wow." No wonder she's odd, he thought, being raised by Ritsuko Akagi, high priestess of high tech. "What about your parents?" "Oh, they're just professors at the university." Without a word, she started running again. He sighed, then ran to keep up with her as they continued. Their conversations were much like this, little snippets mixed with just being together. It was disorienting, but nice. He knew that she didn't think of him romantically, but that she liked him the best of all the guys in the school and that was something. "Ikari-kun?" said Rei, opening her eyes. They were just a few minutes from their stop. "Yeah." "Don't worry." *** The next morning, the Earth saw the person Shinji had to play tag with. She looked like a girl the same age as Shinji with red hair and red horns. Her outifit was a red body suit. "I'm Princess Asuka." Then she throws a disparaging glance at Shinji. "You're my opponent?" Shinji massages the back of his neck with one hand. "Hai." She made a dismissive snort. "Hmph. Earth is mine. You have three days to win. to win, you have to touch the horns on top of my head. If you don't, Earth is mine." Shinji sighed and whispered to himself, "I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away." The first day, he was dressed in his track uniform and his best running shoes. "Go, Shinji!" yelled Touji and Kensuke.. Unfortunately, that was the first day he found out that she could jump several feet in the air in large hops. "What the. . ." said Shinji. Asuka laughed at him. Touji went up to Rei, and said, "How does it feel to see Shinji chasing after another woman?" Rei turned around and slapped him. Her eyes glowed red. Touji stepped back in fear. Rei went to the Ikari house. Yui opened the door and said, "Poor Shinji's upstairs. He really needs some company right now." "Thank you." Rei took off her shoes and put on the sandals for visitors. Then she walked upstairs. Shinji was curled up on top of his bed, listening to his earphones, but when he saw his door opened, he took them off. "Rei, what are you doing here?" "Ruri and I figured you need some serious help. We were checking out that suit she was wearing. It has an anti-gravity unit. Using some of my mother's research, we made you an antigrav suit. At least, you can folllow her when she jumps." "Thank you." "It's all to save the world." "I see." "It was really mean how she talked to you, then she didn't say anything about flying. . . " Rei looked very angry. "It doesn't matter. I just have to try my best." "Ikari-kun." "Yeah." "If you win, we should celebrate." "Sure, what do you want to do?" "I'll think about it. I better go." He looked at the suit. It was blue and white. There was a directions near the wrist that said, Press to form fit. He tried it on and pressed the button, It fit pretty snugly. He looked it dubiously, but thought, Well, she put in all that effort to get it made, might as well use it. The next day, he had better luck. He'd gotten a feet within of Asuka. She tried jumping out of his reach, but he managed to jump even higher than her. "Damn you." She threw a large electrical charge at him. "Oh, no!" yelled Rei. All classmates turned to look at her. This was the first time they'd ever heard her be emotional. "It wasn't supposed to take that much of an electrical charge." The poor chump, er, boy fell, crashing into Asuka on the way down. Asuka screamed, "Pervert!" They fell together the rest of the way into some bushes. Shinji woke up, then remembered what he had to do. He touched her horns, then he got up and sighed with relief. "All right, I saved the Earth." but Asuka didn't get up. He looked down at her. "Oh, crap, she's not breathing." Terrified that he killed the princess, he looked up at the crowd, which was running away lest they too get anihillated by an angry army. Touji yelled, "Give her some mouth to mouth." He looked at Rei, who reluctantly nodded. He pinched the unconscious girl's nose and breathed into her mouth. It took about five times before he felt someone punch him in the chest. He got up and coughed, "You're OK?" "What the hell were you doing?" said Asuka. "Well, I thought. . ." said Shinji. "You weren't breathing and I was trying to rescucitate you. . ." She looked really surprised. "Really?" She grabbed him around the neck and said, "How sweet." Shinji broke her grasp and tried running away from her. Asuka tried to follow him, but a spear landed at her feet. Rei walked up to her, and said, "You leave Shinji alone." "So, you're the freak after my man." said Asuka. "This coming from a woman with horns! Shinji and I are engaged so go away." "Engaged?" said Touji. Shinji stopped and looked back. He ran back. "Rei!!" Rei turned around to see him. Asuka let loose a blast of electricity. Shinji managed to knock Rei out of the way. Rei and Shinji both got up. Shinji said, "I'll go with you if you leave Rei and this world alone." "No," said Rei. "Shinji is not for sale. He won the contest. You will leave." Asuka growled, "I'll be back." Rei sniffed, then said, to Shinji. "Let me give you a lift home." Shinji got in back of Rei on her Harley. "You're allowed to drive?" "It's amazing what you're allowed if your mother's powerful enough." Then the cell phone went off. She flipped it open. "Yes, Ruri. Are you sure? Thank for telling me." She turned to Shinji. "They're planning to kidnap you. I better take you some place safe." "What?" Shinji tried hiding in Pen-Pen's refrigerator at Misato's apartment, which Rei had configured to be bigger on the inside than on the outside using super-dimensional engineering. Unfortunately, it was freezing and he ended up catching a very nasty avian flu. So, Rei took him to an underground cave only she knew about. She lit up the inside of the cafe with phosphorent pain. Then she gave him a sleeping bag engineered for below freezing tempatures and some food. He asked her, "Rei, why are you doing this?" "Because you're my friend and I like you. I've got some great news. Hoshino uploaded a picture of Kaji Ryouji to the mother ship. Asuka took him instead. You just have to stay overnight to make sure." "Rei." He got up from the sleeping bag. "What?" He kissed her. He could feel her hesitate, then she wrapped her arms around him as well. Rei stepped back. "You're my first kiss." "Really? I wish I could've said the same." said Shinji. "She doesn't count." "No, she doesn't." Misato was a mess as a teacher, constantly drunk and weeping over her missing boyfriend, but nothing could be better for Shinji and Rei. The next few weeks were quiet and uneventful with them occasionally going to a movie, but unable to remember what had happened on the screen. It was all cool and fine until Ritsuko hacked into SETI (Search for Extra Terrestial Intelligence) and said, "Rei, you better tell Shinji that one of their ships have come back." Shinji groaned on hearing the news. "I can't live in a cave for the rest of my life." Rei thought for a little bit. "I've got an idea." *** The next day, Misato looked much better. "Well, class, I must apologize for my lapse of . . .um. . .drunkeness. But I must introduce a new classmate.Sohryu Asuka Langley." Shinji accidentally let out a scream of absolute terror as Asuka walked in. Asuka merely smiled and said, "Hi, everyone." Rei stood up and said, "Why are you here?" "Well, Kaji's cute, but he doesn't blush, squirm and he's noooo fun to tease. I need someone more fun." She looked right at Shinji, who nearly swallowed his tongue. "Well, I have an announcement. Shinji and I are married. Look." said Rei. Shinji and Rei both flashed matching gold bands and Rei held up a copy of their marriage certificate. Rei actually flashed some teeth in her smile. Everyone in the classroom were in various stages of shock. Misato looked at the open window, then jumped out doing a move that was only previously done by Jackie Chan. Asuka gritted her teeth and had a terrifyingly angry expression on her face. "I, ruler of the Oni race, do not recognize this absolutely fraudulent marriage." Rei and Shinji took one look at each other, sighed, then dove out the door just before a huge ball of electricity anihillated the classroom. "Now, what?" said Shinji. "Simple, we're going to the spaceship Nadesico to get rid of this damn pest. A couple of mom's business allies have been working on a spaceship for years. Might as well launch now." They saw a red convertible with Misato, miraculously OK, driving like a maniac past them. "That's the captain." "Oh, God, you can't be serious." "Yup. Ruri's going to be there as well as Mom and Maya. It's going to be cool." "I'm sorry." "No need for apologies. Just get on my Harley." With that, she put on her sunglasses, revved up the motorcycle. Shinji climbed behind her and they roared off just as the school was collapsing in on itself. THE END ---- From: "JOYCE K WAKABAYASHI" Subject: [Eva/UY][FanFic] Urusai Asuka #2 Back by popular demand. This is basically more along the lines of Irresponsible Captain Tylor though Asuka does make a nice cameo in here. There's tons of Star Trek Jokes, cameos of the cute Gundam Wing boys, and just plain strange stuff. No major space battles in this one, that'll be for the next episode that I promise you has alien pot, Iron Chefs, Buddhist symbols vs. Christian symbols and people in love. That'll of course depend on how many people want this series to continue. PS I say no to drugs, but I still come up with stories like these anyway. I promise I'll eventually explain what Iron Chef is. Episode Name: The Irresistible Captain Katsuragi "All right, guys," Misato said with a beer in her hand and wearing a black minidress with a white jacket and a captain's hat. She had all the men's attention. "Lets call out the main roster before launching this puppy. Most of the support people have already been put into position." A small group of people were standing on the deck of the spaceship that looked like a combination of a huge drill bit and an aircraft carrier. "I'll be your captain on this trip, I mean, mission. Shinji." said Misato. "Hai." "Since you're the cause of this mess, you'll have to be a fighter pilot. Rei!" said Misato. "Yes." "You'll be a fighter pilot, mechanic and use those wonderful esper talents of yours." Shinji looked at her accusingly. Rei blushed. "I was going to tell you later," she whispered. "Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Quatre Wiener, Trowa Barton, Chang Wufei will round out the roster of fighters." She looks at the bishonen from the Gundam Wing Division and thinks, Wow! Heero had brown hair and an intense gaze. Duo Maxwell had a long, light brown braid, a goofy smile and wore a priest's outfit. Quatre was a small, very angelic blonde boy. Trowa Barton had a depressed look and his hair was combed to the front in a point. Wufei had his hair pulled back in a ponytail and had stern look on his face. And they were all very cute. Misato, however, had read their records and was worried about their mental stability. "My last name isn't Wiener, it's Winner!" yells the small blonde of the group. "Ritsuko will head the science division." "I'm sorry to inform you that I can't be on the same ship as Dr. Akagi!" Everyone turned to look at Gendo Ikari, who now looked sheepish. "You see," he explained, "I have a restraining order against her coming within 500 feet of me ever since she broke into my house. I can't possibly be on the same ship as her." "Then quit." says Misato. "I can't. My wife insists on being with Shinji and I'm not going to be seperated from my wife." Misato looks at Ritsuko, who shouts, "It's lies, all lies!" "Ritsuko, behave or I'll shove you out an airlock." Maya speaks up. "I'll make sure she behaves. If she misbehaves, shove me out too." "I don't think that'll be necessary." said Misato. "Ruri, Gendo and Yui will make up the rest of the science division. Yui will also act as ship's doctor and backup pilot due to her ultra-light experience. Kaoru Nagisa!" "Oh, no!" yells Rei. "That. . ." A handsome albino man sidles up to Rei and Shinji. "Hello," said Kaoru. "Long time no see." Then he flashes an especially shiny smile at Shinji. "Hello!" "Who is this guy?" said Shinji. "He's just a creep who has this weird fascination with me and anyone I happen to be with. If you toy with me, Kaoru, I'll stuff an AT field up your. . ." "Calm down." Misato drank the rest of the beer down, and yelled, "Enough already. He's another back up pilot with esper powers, so shut up!" "Kensuke, Touji, Hyuga and Shigeru will be on the main bridge. As for the cook, I sure as hell don't recognize this name, Emi Kusanagi. She's cook, workers' compensation administrator, office manager and all around support staff. Kaji Ryouji!" "Here." "You're ship's counselor and second in command." She put her hands on her hips and smiled. Most of the men smiled back. Shinji stiffened his face to keep from smiling as Rei was standing next to him. "But what about living arrangements?" "They're on the wall over there." The list showed that most rooms were going to have two people in them. X means married or "people who happen to share more than space" quarters with king beds instead of two twin beds. Swapping roommates is only allowed under dire circumstances. 1. Kaji Ryouji and Misato Katsuragi X 2. Gendo Ikari and Yui Ikari X 3. Shinji Ikari and Rei Ayanami-Ikari X "Wait a minute," says Yui. "They're too young." Gendo clucked his tongue. "They're married now." Yui frowned. "It's not supposed to be for real." Rei and Shinji merely smile mysteriously. 4. Makoto Hyuuga and Aoba Shigeru 5. Ritsuko Akagi and Maya Ibuki. X "Yay!" says Maya, clapping her hands before realizing where exactly she is. Ritsuko, right next to her, opens her mouth in shock. 6. Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell Heero scowls while Duo smiles. 7. Quatre Winner and Trowa Barton X Quatre Winner accidently claps before realizing that people are staring at him. Trowa continues to look depressed, but now has an additional look of major confusion. 8. Chang Wufei and Kaoru Nagisa. Both shrug, then glance at each other with some distaste. 9. Touji Suzuhara and Aida Kensuke. Touji looks at Kensuke and says, "You better not take up more than half the space with all your computer stuff. 10. Emi Kusanagi and Pen-pen "I have to share a room with a bird!" yells Emi who realizes that not being part of a series is a major handicap. "Yeah." "Well, if he's not potty trained, we're all having yakitori." 11. Ruri Hoshino Everyone on this ship is baka, she thought. Misato sighs. "All of you have been briefed on what to do. Lets get ready!" *** Somewhere in space, Asuka is sitting in her throne room in her ship. There's a big picture of Rei, but her eyes have been rubbed out and two big Xs are put where her eyes used to be. Asuka idly throws little explosive darts that shred little pieces of the picture at a time. "You think you're such hot stuff. I bet he's just afraid to say he likes me lest you spear him to death. I'll free him of that fear." She stands up and yells at her watch, which doubles as a communicator, "Get the dungeon ready for Shinji. Make sure everything is ready." She smiled with glee. The whips, the chains, the screaming. . . "What do we do about the rest of the people on the ship?" says the voice coming from the watch. "Stuff them out of the airlock. Well, except for Kaji, I'll play with him in my dungeon as well. Now, get ready to launch." Shinji, you are mine, she thought. *** Kaji took off his shirt. There were several bite marks on his torso. "That damn Asuka, she bit me. Ow, she has fangs. No wonder Shinji's scared to death of her." Misato said, "Did she do anything else to you?" "No, she got pretty bored because I wouldn't scream real loud." "Tell me about her dungeon." "Is this for official purposes or purely for your hentai mind?" "Does it matter?" "Katsuragi. . ." "Yes, Kaji-kun." "We have to launch this puppy!" She gets to the bridge and says to Hyuuga and Shigeru, "All right, launch!" The ship shudders, then roars forward. Everyone on board promptly falls on the ground. *** "What is this about tofu chipotle tamales, pesto soba with salsa? Tomorrow's menu says something about beef tongue burritos?" groans Touji. "This is California cuisine," said Emi. "They have stuff like this in San Francisco." "I want rice!" says Gendo. "I want steak!" says Misato. "No more tandoori chicken pizza!" says Hyuuga. "Fine, eat all the burgers and instacrap you want!" Emi growls. A week later. "When is Asuka's army coming already!" said Kensuke. Meanwhile, Emi was in the common room watching a really, really old series. "What the hell is that?" said Duo. "I'm watching the original Star Trek," she says. "Where's the mecha?" said Touji. "They didn't have any." "That sucks." "What can I say, it's an American show." Soon, a lot of people gathered around the video. After a few days of this, Kaji went up to Emi and said, "Emi!" He was not in a flirtacious mood. "What?" "People are calling me Captain Kirk, Captain Jerk, and Captain Perv. They've also started to call me, 'Bones.' " "I'm sorry, people have been watching my show. I'll stop running it in the common area." Misato said, "Now people keep asking if they can meld with more than my mind." "All right, all ready." Bathroom graffitti cropped up wondering about the exact nature of the relatinship between Spock and Kirk. Some of it was getting real obscene. A week later, Kaji went up to her again and said, "Now people are calling me, 'Commander Riker,' 'Commander Spike-her,' Commander Jeff Stryker, and Commander Date-her. It's gotten so bad, it's cropping up in the bathroom graffitti. Misato's even screaming it when. . . I mean. . ." "I'm sorry, I'll stop running the next generation crap as well." Emi scowled. A week later, Ritsuko went up to Emi. "You've really got to stop showing Voyager." "Didn't like it much anyway, but what's your beef?" "People keep calling me 7 of 9 and asking them to assimilate them into my body. Even Maya keep pushing me to wear that slinky body suit. . ." "Fine, I'll just watch some damn cooking shows!!!" After a two days of only Iron Chef and Baking with Julia, people started to bang on her door, saying, "We want more stupid shows." "Arghhhhh!" she screamed. ** Gendo was walking naked into his private bathroom when he saw someone taking a shower. A quick inspection shows a brunette through the shower curtain. "Hi, honey, let me join you." he walks in only to find a brunette Ritsuko. He screams in terror, jumps out of the bathtub and runs down the hallway naked. He passes Maya, who realizes what has just happened and runs to the Ikari's apartment. "Ritsuko, so that's what the brown hair dye was for. You. . ." Maya curses to herself. "What does he have that I haven't got? It's not so big." Duo happens to watch Gendo run by. He turns to Shinji and says, "Gee, looks like your dad could use some major Prozac." Shinji groans and Rei squeezes his hand in reassurement. "Even if your father's crazy, I won't divorce you." Then a barely clothed Ritsuko runs by, chased by an angry Maya. Shinji turns to Rei and says, "Even if your mother keeps stalking my father, I'll stay in the marriage for the sake of the children." He points at himself and at her, then smiles. Rei gives a little flash of a smile. Duo watches this exchange with amusement. How kawaii, he thought. TO BE CONTINUED (TSUZUKU)