Zhou Tai An <kain@pacific.net.sg>


No offense to anyone who watches this CBS production. ^_^

Another thing : THIS IS NOT A YAOI FIC! ^_^ I recognize the fact that some
yaoi themes might be present in this fic and all I can say is...this is not
even an allusion to a yaoi fic, an invitation to write one, or anything
remotely related to yaoi. I have nothing against people who like yaoi; go
ahead, write and/or as your preference. But remember, this isn't one. (If
anyone wants to use this as a fic springboard, go ahead, but please note my
strenuous opposition to the fact that this is yaoi. ^_^)

Touched by an Angel

     He is so naive. So young, and yet so scarred by the world, so
innocent, and yet so despairing. It is any wonder I chose him? He called to
me even before I was formed, I think, his very nature a counterpoint to my
melodies. So very, very naive.

     Ah, my brothers, you do them wrong to hurt so. We are united in
purpose, are we not? We both seek a resolution to this matter...should we
not be kindred instead? I cannot know. But perhaps we are...I have seen
beauty, and that is one who is part of us and yet not. She shares my face.
Questions, questions. I look at him from up high and must smile, to see the
look of bewilderment on his face. And yet I pity him as well, that such
perfect crystal be already flawed to such an extent. That fate is sometimes
cruel is a fact to be accepted, but to see such cruelty and it's scars,
remain is a crime.

     A shaper of that crystal, I decided was, needed. One that would know
him, not try in some blundering way, to either help or hurt that poor soul.
Still, I thought. The light was ever-present here, calm, unchanging. What
business of ours was it to go down below? We needed nothing. Better stasis,
than to share our brothers' fate, twisted into grotesque abominations whose
ultimate purpose was destruction. No, here was by far my true home. Then
again...they were so strange, scurrying about in pointless lives, wasting
their futile existences in search of a goal that was so glaring evident!
Yet they could also be full of feeling...all of them. Not just him. Not
just him, but then, he was the only one that mattered. Ah, the world below
was a interesting one indeed.

     It took but one more look to decide me. After all, I had always been
the willful one.

                                   *****

     He was just there. It seemed that one moment, I was by myself, looking
into the water for my answers, hearing the birds call to each other, the
waves against the shore. So peaceful, I thought. Then I heard his singing.
And that, in some way brought a different kind of peace.

     He looked at me and smiled. I think that was when I knew he was
different. His smile, and his eyes. Red, like Rei's. And his hair,
show-white...so pure. But I think it was the eyes. They were strange eyes,
full of unspoken meaning, of hidden secrets deep inside, of unrevealed
mystery. They were willful too, capricious. And yet, I think they most of
all, they were kind ones. That all came in a glance. How he managed to do
that, I didn't know. But he was different, and maybe that was why.

     Then he spoke. "Songs are nice." he said.

     I nodded mutely. What was I supposed to say? I know something about
you, something that I'm sure you don't? That I in your eyes I saw the
future? That dimly, somewhere in my memory, is the sound of your voice, the
color of your hair? No, I simply listened to the sound of his voice, the
last notes of the song dying like broken-winged birds.

     He smiled at me again and asked my name. So I told him and asked what
was his.

     Another smile. They were so enigmatic, really, both his eyes and
smile. Or maybe is just him, I can't say. "Kaoru Nagisa."

     I remember talking with him for a while. About things, inconsequential
trifles, and then other matters, like the way water looked, or how the sun
in the sky could be at once calming and oppressive. We talked about life,
and people. I told him about my father.

     He looked at me. "I'm sorry." he said.

     I didn't say how long I had waited to hear someone say that.

     I don't know what it was that made him so easy to talk to, so
friendly. It wasn't fact that he was different, or his eyes, or even his
smile. Not one had ever smiled like that before. It reminded me of Rei's
first one. It was something else, but like so many other things about him,
it remained hidden, a glittering jewel of a secret. We talked, and told him
about my music.

     He smiled this time. "We should do a duet." And he sang a high, clear
note, as if in invitation.

     I had heard that same note in my dreams. I told him about Rei, and how
she looked like him.

     He was suddenly serious and said that he would like to meet her.

     I turned to say something, and I caught him staring at me. It was a
strange, piercing look he gave me, as if in one glance he could discover
everything about me. Or perhaps he already knew...deeper, it ran, into the
rivers and falls, mountains and valleys of my soul, it was all in a look
that I knew he was, he was...

     He turned away, and I could see no more. I couldn't decide whether
that made my happy or not.

     "Let's go back to NERV."

     I didn't ask him how he knew about it. He just did.

     We began the walk back, still talking. He hooked his thumbs into his
pockets, I noticed.

                                   *****

     He was even more than I expected. His eyes, they spoke of love unknown
and sorrow, of wishes unfulfilled and dreams undreamt. His hair, black as
the sky above us, against my own white mane...the way he walked, a slight
slouch, more revealing than he knew to one such as I. I looked at him and
drank in every detail, every little thing, from the folds of his clothes
and light on his hair. Certainly, there were others on this barren plane,
but for me, here and now, there was only him. This gem was all the more
beautiful for it's imperfections.

     But he had turned away from my gaze.

     My eyes followed him up the stairs, through corridors and landings,
searching, always searching for what I knew to be there. And I talked to
him. There was a special light in him when he spoke, and I smile to think
that is was I that caused it. Truly, he was a lonely soul. As we turned a
corner, I was struck by a sudden sadness, and stopped.

     Tears fell.

     He was so scared then. So innocent...how I longed to take that perfect
crystal in my hands and shape it, smooth away all the many scars that
marred it's surface, give it new life from the warmth of my hands, then
look on it again and marvel at the beauty of the soul that I am sure lay
inside. I saw sadness in the one look he gave me, concern, and shock as
well. It was the wonder that struck me the most. I could not fathom that.

     "Kaoru...what's wrong?" So naive. As if he could understand.

     "Nothing." I merely smiled back in return. "Let's go on."

     The look of relief on his face gladdened me, and perhaps did something
more. I couldn't say for sure.

     I thought of things, of love lost and regained, of hope and dreams and
the nature of sadness, of beauty of flesh and of the soul. I talked to him,
and took the features of his so-delicate face once again. So it was only
when we reached the bath that I realized it.

     My pockets were empty.

     I smiled.

                                   *****

     I wondered about him all the way to the bath. (How he had known I was
going there?) Rei and he...so alike, and yet so different.

     I think it was that simple fact. He was different. Different than all
the others.

     When he cried, I longed to reach out to him, to tell him that I felt
the same, to comfort another fellow sufferer. I knew, somehow, that he was
sad like me, for the same reasons. I saw the clear drops hit the floor and
thought how like diamonds they seemed they lay there.

     Then I looked to him again, and I saw that I was right. And I saw
something more. Something different.

     He reassured me, and we went on. I enjoyed the conversation. Not only
for the words but for the sounds of them...I wanted to hear him sing again.
I wondered if Rei could?

     I neared him, impulsively, as we reached the door. I don't think he
noticed, because I stepped back a second later. I smelt something.
Something strangely familiar.

                                   *****

     The water soothed my skin as I entered it. It was nice and hot, just
right. I enjoyed the sight of the rising steam as it traced lazy spirals in
the air, travelling ever so gently up to the ceiling.

     I let out a sigh, and he let his gaze drop down to me. I blushed. I
had never shared a bath with anyone before, and the strangeness of his
eyes...it was more pronounced now.

     He was shy. Innocent...naive. Strong, in his own way. I smiled at him
and I wanted him to know that this was one of understanding and welcome. He
seemed to take it well, for I noticed the slump of his shoulders loosen,
the ever-present tension disappear.

     I felt at ease with him. That was it, the feeling. Maybe it was the
water.

     He, no, I, sang a wordless tune to nothing as the minutes went by. For
a while, I let my mind drift to thoughts of home. It seemed all too near
now.

     He was so strange. So different.

     I looked to the ceiling.

     I felt the loneliness dissipate, and I edged closer.

     He looked into my eyes.

     I looked into his.

     Then I knew why he was different. He wasn't like all the others. No,
that wasn't it. He wasn't like all the others, the ones he was forced to
fight, the ones which did nothing except cause destruction. He was someone
who was not one, something that was not known, from a time and place that
he could only guess. But he had been...he had been...

     Realization dawned in him. I would have smiled but for the things I
saw in him. I knew now his past, his present, all the others which had
affected him. I knew his father and the pain which that carried for him,
and how he was so like the Morning Star. I knew his mother from what
fragments of memory which still lay in his mind, and how she was like...I
knew, no, I had just begun to know him.

     He pulled away suddenly, and I was left wondering which of us was the
stranger.

                                   *****

     I had to go home after that. So I said goodbye, and went, noting the
sad smile he gave me when I left. It reminded me of Rei's face.

     Misato and Asuka were away. I wished them well, though. I ate my
dinner by myself, not a lonely one, and went to sleep.

     My bed...as I got in, noticing my empty CD player, I thought of him.
His face, his eyes, his smile, his voice...most of all the sad smile he
gave me.

     I slept a dreamless sleep that night.

                                   *****

     I thought of him as I looked at the stars.

     I had no need to eat, to drink or to sleep. I was free, unfettered by
the bounds of mortal existence...even now I flaunted the rules by which
they lived each day by soaring high above their spider's web of steel of
concrete. A web to snare that from above. Above...I was above, but
somewhere down there in those towering structures was he.

     My brothers. I mourn for you and yet mock your folly. Did she know of
your intentions? As I looked up to the vastness of space and the whirling
mass of lights, I knew why humans loved the sky so.

     I knew as well their quest for life's meaning.

     I wondered about her. Child of two worlds. Acting on impulse, I flew
to her, masked by the night and my own innate mystery. Mankind has ever
been one to seek the unknown, but few know how the pierce the barrier their
own eyes create. He is one of them.

     I did not enter her home, such as it was. Austere was too kind a term.
But she sensed me nonetheless.

     We talked.

     I set out with new resolution. Tomorrow would be the resolving of
this.

     The stars beckoned to both of us.

                                   *****

     EVA-02's fist slammed into my palm, the shock sending waves of pain
racing through my arm. I ignored it and shoved savagely forward, only to be
pushed back by the Unit's red form. Red, the color of blood. That was what
he smelled of. I could almost see Asuka screaming inside...screaming as if
her soul had been torn out of her. Like mine was.

     Why? Why? WHY? Does everyone I care about have to be taken away?

     And he was still smiling that sad smile.

     I struggled futilely against my opponent and my soul, directing all my
anger and hurt into the fight. Nothing. Still the endless stalemate.

                                   *****

     His feelings hurt me. But I could do nothing. Mergence was at hand.

     I do not think he saw the tears fall.

                                   *****

     He could not do this. Not him. He was different, kinder. I did not
want to fight him, or even to hurt him in any way. I wanted...I don't know.

     I let my arms fall.

                                   *****

     I could not kill him!

                                   *****

     Our gazes locked.

     And we saw the other revealed.

                                   *****

     The stalemate broke. The crystal shone. The tears were forgotten
amidst the light.

     I looked at him, and he at me. Both in mutual understanding.

     I held out my hand. He took it.

     Then we were one.

     We descended into destiny.

                                   *****

Author's Note :

     They just keep getting longer, don't they? ^_^

     Just another non-yaoi reminder : try thinking of Kaoru not as male but
another being. This was intended to be an introspective, thought-provoking
piece in the manner of EVA...focused on a very interesting and unexplored
character. Two actually.

     Well, C&C is of course, appreciated. And I have discovered the joys of
posting on the FFML. More comments makes for a happier writer. ^_^ This is
still to be considered a first draft, however; I think the ending is rather
sketchy and lacking in detail. It was intended to create a surrealistic
effect, though, so I await other's thoughts on the matter.

     This fic is dedicated to humanity. May there be no wars and universal
love.


Zhou Tai An (kain@pacific.net.sg)

"There is no one simple truth."                                - Rune Walsh

"Who is this? This is I. Who is I? What is I?                 - Rei Ayanami
I am myself. This object is I. The figure that forms me."

When someone stands in the light but does not give it out, a shadow is
created.

The ways of nature and of life are strange and deep. They are not to be
understood. In the midst of angers and of wars love's secret work goes on,
and binds us all by blood, and this, whether love is denied or bestowed.
                                                            - Pearl S. Buck