From: "JOYCE K WAKABAYASHI" <MOBIUSKLEIN@prodigy.net>
Subject: [Eva/Xover][FanFic] There's Something about Misato & My Best Friend's Wedding from Hell


This is basically an Evangelion File crossover parody where everybody
acts spazzy.  Shinji and Asuka are in their twenties in this one.

    "Shinji, I need to crash at your place for a few days." 
    Asuka looked up to see Misato bending over the desk, looking at
Shinji.  Chi, she thought, that ho showing off her cleavage. 
    "Sure, Misato." said Shinji. 
     "What?" said Asuka. 
     "Good," said Misato.  "I just broke up with Kaji and this time it's
serious.  I plan to move out permanently." 
     "I see." 
    Yeah, I bet you see, damn pervert, Asuka thought.  I better call up
Kaji and find out what the hell is going on. 
    She went out on the pretext of going to the bathroom, then punched in
Kaji's number.  "Hello, Kaji, why is Misato trying to move in with
Shinji?" 
    "She's just mad at me.  It'll blow over, you'll see." 
    "It better." 
    Her mood got even worse when she saw Shinji and Misato chatting over
lunch.  Her and those skimpy ass skirts, thought Asuka.  I mean, isn't she
a bit old to be wearing that? She pulled down her own mini-skirt. 
    An omen of what was to come happened when Misato put a huge bag in the
back seat after loading up the trunk with her stuff when Shinji came for
her stuff.  "What is that?" said Shinji. 
    "It's nothing, just something I use once in a while." 
     "OK, but I have to stop for gas." 
    While he filled up his gas tank, Misato went to the bathroom.  Then
two cops come roaring up.  "Hi, there.  We're looking for a killer who
escaped from prison.  He was wearing cardboard and prison clothes." 
    "Sorry, can't help you there." 
    "Hey, what's in the back of your seat." 
    "Eh, um.  It's a friend's bag." 
     "It looks like a guy's in there.  We're opening that sucker up." 
     "Wait, that's unconstitutional." But one of the thuggy cops points a
gun at Shinji while the other cop opens the door and unzips the bag. 
    "What the hell?" 
    Shinji had his eyes closed and wondered, Did Misato kill Kaji and
stuff

him in the bag.  But then he opened his eyes and looked at the bag. 
Inside was a foam rubber life-size doll that was anatomically correct and
male.  Very anatomically correct. 
    Both cops look at him really strangely.  Shinji turns a bright red. 
    Looking at this from a nearby hill is Kaoru Nagisa, who bursts out
laughing.  "I guess I'll have to visit Shinji-kun and soon." He then left. 
    Misato came out and yelled, "What're you doing with my doll?" 
     "Yours?"  The two cops suddenly drool and their noses start to bleed. 
"Oh, I don't see why you need a doll." 
    She goes right up to them and says, "I think you owe me and Shinji an
apology." 
    "Yes," says the cops.  "We're sorry."  They slunk off. 
    Misato turned to Shinji and said, "I'm so sorry." 
    "I hope living with you isn't going to be this troublesome." 
    It was even worse.  It was terrible having Misato as a roommate.  It
wasn't so much that she was a slob but that people started coming over. 
He couldn't count the many times he had to open up the door and say,

    "Touji, Misato went shopping.  Besides, I don't think Hikari would
like it that you came over here to see her." 
    "Kensuke, she's gone to the salon." 
    "Oh, Kaji.  She went to a bar with Ritsuko.  Now please go away. 
She's already received thirty of your messages on the answering machine. 
Please go." 
     "Oh, Agent Anno, what are you here for?  No, Misato is not available
at the moment." 
    "Hyuuga, obey your restraining order!!!" 
    Luckily, Misato had gotten an attack penguin called Pen-pen.  It could
waddle really fast and peck where it really hurt.  At least for men. 
    It seemed the entire male sector of the FBI had heard about what had
happened and had knocked on his door asking if they could speak to her. 
Luckily, she was out most of the time.  Then the entire female sector of
the FBI asked if their boyfriend had come by.  He wondered if he should
simply nail the door shut. 
    Then he opened the door to see Kaoru holding a dozen roses.  "Misato's
not here." 
    Kaoru handed him a dozen roses and said, "No, Shinji, these are for
you.  I've decided to leave Seele and abandon everything I've built to be
with you and tell you everything that you've ever wanted to know."  He
batted his eyes most seductively. 
    Shinji turned a burnt umber.  Luckily, he was saved by the arrival of
an angry Asuka.  "Shinji, don't fraternize with the enemy." 
    Kaoru gave him a pat on the butt and said, "I'll be back." 
    Asuka then turned to Shinji and said, "Hasn't the ho found an
apartment yet?" 
    "Don't call Misato a ho!!" said Shinji. 
    "Then why is the entire male section of the Bureau coming up here?" 
    "Because she's a beautiful woman with a personality to match!" he
yelled. 
    "Unlike me, is that it?" said Asuka. 
    "What?  No, I mean. . ." 
    Asuka turns and runs off.  Shinji slams the door and flops face down
on the couch. Why do you have to try to twist my words against me, he
thought. 
    After the fifth day, that was when the packages and love letters came
pouring in.  Misato looked at the stack of mail with a mixture of pride
and amazement.  "Oh, my, I wonder if any of it is beer."  Then she picked
up a package and rips it open.  It was two books of love poetry; one by
Oscar Wilde and the other by Arthur Rimbaud.  Then she read the
inscription inside the book.  "Oh, this one is for you," she said. 
    "Is it from Asuka?" 
    "No, it's from K. Nagisa." 
    Shinji groaned. 
    But it wasn't all bad.  After watching Shinji go out jogging early
every morning, she said, "I'll go with you." 
    "Are you sure?"  .  "I'm fine." 
     Dressed in shorts and a tank top, she started jogging everyday with
him.  Usually, he had on his headphones, but she had insisted he take it
off now that he had her to talk to. 
    After jogging quietly one morning, she said, "All this attention's too
much.  When I was in high school, I didn't get a tenth of this." 
    "That's a lie." 
    "What?  How would you know?" 
    "I was in the same high school as you.  I was a freshmen and you were
a senior.  All my friends pointed you out as a goddess." 
     "Oh, shut up." 
    "I'm serious.  Sexy babe is what they said.  Even I had a crush on
you." 
    "But I don't remember you." 
    Shinji looks a little sad.  "Well, that's the story of my life.  I
even went to the same college as you, but you never noticed me." 
    "That's because you were a shy boy!  You still are.  You should just
tell someone what you're thinking." 
    "Isn't that what I'm doing now?" 
    Misato, startled said, "What?" 
    "Never mind." The rest of their jog was silent. 
    The terrible thing was that now that Asuka was getting the knack of
coming at the most inopportune times.  Once, Asuka heard Misato say, "Wow,
those are so big.  I wonder what happens if you crank it at full
throttle." 
    Asuka bursts in to see Shinji and Misato looking at two huge Bosc
speakers for Shinji's stereo system. 
    She wasn't the only visitor.  Kaoru Nagisa saw the curtains close,
then he turned on the bug he managed to install in the apartment.  He
heard Shinji beg Misato, "Please, Misato, don't make me do it." 
    "Don't be a baby.  Just try it once.  It'll be good for you." 
    "I've tried it before.  I don't like it." 
    "You just haven't had the right one.  Everybody else likes it.  It's
so good." 
    "Well, I'll just taste it this once." 
    Kaoru's red eyes flash.  "I must save Shinji."  He flies right over
and jumps through the window, only to see Misato and Shinji, fully
clothed, with a six-pack of beer between them. 
    Kaoru yells, "Trying to turn my man into an alcoholic and trying to
seduce him!  It's so unholy." 
    "Get out of here!  I bet you couldn't win a fair fight." 
    "Can too." 
    "Can not!" yells Misato.  With that, Misato and Kaoru go mano-a-mano
with Misato wielding a deadly pair of heels. 
    Shinji gets mad.  He gets between them and says, "Stop!  I won't stand
for this." 
    Cops burst down the door.  Kaoru scowls then leaves.  Shinji turns to
the cops as does Misato.  "What's wrong officers?" 
    Hyuuga lifts up his cap and starts to strip to a techno-version of
"I'm too Sexy." Shigeru merely sighs and holds the CD player.  Misato
literally kicks Hyuuga out of the apartment while Shigeru runs away in
terror from a bat-wielding Shinji.  ***
     "Kaji, when are you going to help Shinji get rid of Misato!" 
     "Well, I went to some private investigators for help.  I didn't go to
a guy because he'd try to get her for himself.  So, I went to some women,
they all immediately tried to come on to me."  He shook his head. 
    "Well, I've got an idea.  Spike Pen-pen's food with drugs, have him
attack Shinji, then he'll kick Misato out and she'll have to move back in
with you." 
    "Hmmm." said Kaji.  "I've got a few connections in that angle.  Oh,
here comes Shinji and Misato." 
    "Oh, hi you two," chirped Misato. 
    "Oh, Misato, don't forget the lunch I made for you," said Shinji,
handing her a box wrapped in a large kerchief. 
    Kaji said, "He makes your lunch?" 
    "Yes, he's a great cook. He does so many things well.  You'd be
surprised, Asuka.  See you later, Shinji." 
    "Hai." he said. 
    He was about to turn away when Misato said, "Wait, I have to
straighten your tie." 
    She straightened it, her face only a couple inches away from his. 
Shinji blushed a little and tried with all his might not to look at her
cleavage. 
    "You're wearing lavendar perfume," said Shinji in a low voice. 
    "Nice of you to notice." smiled Misato, not knowing or caring that the
two other people in the hallway were suddenly producing huge amounts of
steam and that knots of tension the size of baseballs were forming on
their foreheads.  Their fists were clenched so tightly that the lead in
the pencils they were holding turned into diamond. 
    Shinji turned to go into his office while Misato walked off to hers. 
Asuka clenched her fists.  "We do it today!  Right now!" 
    "Shhhh!"
     ***
    "Pen-pen." Misato said when she opened the door to Shinji's place. 
Suddenly, the bird went crazy and tried to peck her.  Shinji kicked
Pen-pen away when it went crazy and waddled after him at hyperspeed. "What
the hell is wrong with the bird?"  Its eyes were glowing a demonic red.
    "I don't know." 
    Suddenly, it began flapping its wings with a speed never seen before
and never seen again.  It lunged for Shinji's face, but he ducked.  It
kept flying until it just flew over the balcony, then fell several stories
down unto a recently fired up barbecue grill, prompting cries of "All,
right, Yakitori (roast bird)." from the downstairs neighbor. 
    At the funeral of Pen-pen, there was just Misato and Shinji.  She was
dressed in a black minidress with a little veil.  Shinji was in a suit. 
Misato sniffled, "You've been such a good sport over all this, Shinji." 
    "It's nothing." 
    "I'll take you out to a steak dinner.  It's on me." 
    "Uh, OK." He put his arm around her. 
    In the bushes, Asuka hissed, "Look at that. . . Oh, oh." 
    "I'm not happy about it, either," said Kaji.  Then he noticed a
magazine sticking up from her backpack.  "What?  What is this? Soldier of
Fortune?" 
    He pulled it out and flipped through it.  "Get rid of problems for the
right price?  You are not going to kill Misato!!!" 
    Asuka scowled. 
    Then Shinji said, "I thought I heard some voices in the bushes." 
    "Oh, shit!" said Kaji. 
    "Oh, great." said Misato.  "Lets just leave." 
    Asuka held her breath, red-faced and terrified.  If he comes here,
what will I say, she thought.  Get away, Shinji! 
    "Ok." said Shinji. 
    Asuka let out a sight of relief. 
    "After I do a quick sweep of the bushes."  The click of his automatic
echoes through the cemetary hills.  "Then we can roll the body into Pen
Pen's grave." 
    Kaji does something Asuka has never seen him do. He pees in his pants. 
    "Shinji, it's probably just Hyuuga again.  Lets go." 
    They walk off.  Once they go away, Asuka gets away from Kaji,
screaming, "Oh, gross!!!  Peuuu!!!" 
    While Shinji and Misato were eating their steak dinner, Misato said,
"You're the only guy who hasn't come on to me." 
    "Well, I. . . wanted to give you some space." 
    "That's sweet.  Thank you for attending Pen-Pen's funeral." 
    "Least I could do.  Maybe he went senile." 
    "Perhaps.  But he's not that old. Unfortunately, the family downstairs
ate most of the body before I could send it to a friend of mine for an
autopsy.  Oh, well." Misato put her face in her hands.  "I can't believe
this.  In one week, there's been five hundred pieces of mail, one dead
penguin, one funeral for said penguin and twenty proposals.  God!" 
    "Are you going to go back to Kaji?" 
    She shook her head.  "That jerk?  Hmph.  Shinji, lets get married." 
    "What?" 
    "I'm serious.  You're the only guy who's been putting my comfort ahead
of what's in his pants in all this.  That's a rare thing.  Besides, I've
seen you when you just stepped out of the shower." 
    "Are you sure?" 
    She began to play footsie with him under the table.  The answer was
inevitable. 
    That night, an earthquake that was 6 on the Richter scale occurred. 
The epicenter was Shinji's apartment building. 

The Wedding Party

    The skies were clear over the church rented for the wedding. 
    "We're here for the wedding of Misato Katsuragi and Shinji Ikari."
said Cancer Man and Rei, showing their invitation. 
     "It's so wonderful that Shinji's getting married," gushed Rei.  "But
I always thought it would be to Asuka." 
    "Well, stranger things have happened," muttered Cancer Man. 
    Touji was in a suit, but had forgotten to put on a tie.  Hikari turned
him and scolded, "What's wrong with you?  This is a wedding." 
    "But, incho, I hate ties." 
    "You better wear one at our wedding." 
    "What?!" said Touji. 
    Meanwhile, Shinji was using the cell phone to talk to Misato as it is
bad luck for the groom to see the bride before hand.  "So far, Asuka and
Kaji haven't shown up." 
   "Well, that's probably a good thing." said Misato.  "They'd only ruin
it." 
    "So, neh." 
    Two white arms encircled his waist and gave him a bear hug.  "One
minute, Misato." He clicked off and turned to see his best man, Kaoru
Nagisa smiling at him.  "What is it?" 
    "C'mon Shinji, just a quickie." 
    "Huh." 
    "Just kidding," said Kaoru.  "Amazing turnout.  Even a few of the
members from AMP are here." 
    "It's great to see so many people wishing me well." 
    "I told you that you had tons of friends if you just looked around." 
    "That's right." 
    "Now go out and greet your guests.  It's your job." 
    Meanwhile, Kensuke saw a beautiful blonde woman with blue eyes.  "Are
you one of the members of AMP?" 
    "You are?" 
    "I'm Aida Kensuke, perhaps Shinji told you about me." 
    "I'm Lebia Maverick.  He told me that you like computers." 
    "Yes, I do.  I've read that you've created some amazing AIs."  Kensuke
smiled.  "You named them after Disney characters." 
    "Yes." 
    "Well, I won't hold it against you." 
    Rei walked away from Cancer Man to get some punch.  Kaoru Nagisa
sauntered up to her and said, "You are Rei Ayanami, aren't you? We're
alike, you and me."  He was carressing her hand. 
    Rei frowned and said, "Who are you?" She pulled her hand away. 
    Meanwhile, Cancer Man saw a woman who looked like a brown haired
version of Rei.  He dropped his glass of champagne.  He walked up to her,
and said, "What's your name?" 
    "Oh, I'm Yui.  I'm the caterer.  I usually go to school." 
    "Oh, what's your major?" 
    "I'm working on my graduate degree in both biomechanics and genetics
with a minor in physics." 
    Be still, my heart, he thought.  "Do you believe in reincarnation?" 
    "What?" 
    "There you are!" 
    He turned to see Ritsuko standing with her left eyebrow twitching in
irritation.  "I've got something to talk to you about." 
    "One minute." Cancer Man watched Ritsuko stomp off.  He turned to Yui
only to see her looking at someone else. 
    "Fuyutsuki-sensei, you're here at this wedding." 
    "Yui-kun!"  He walked over to her.  "You're catering at this wedding." 
    "Yes, sensei." 
    "You needn't call me that any more.  Oh, I'm glad I got to see you
again.  After this wedding is over, we should go out for coffee and . . ." 
    "Excuse me." said Cancer Man. 
    Fuyutsuki turned to Yui.  "I'm sorry for interrupting." he said
coolly.  Then turning back to Yui, he said, "You know my number. If you
should need my help with your thesis, I'm available." He walked away
smiling.  Not this time, Gendo, he thought. 
    In her haste to vent, Ritsuko bumped into Maya.  "I'm sorry, Maya." 
    "That's OK, sempai.  Something wrong?" 
    "Nothing really.  I thought you were with Shigeru and Hyuuga." 
    "They wandered off on their own." 
    Hyuuga and Shigeru were walking together, looking around for available
women.  "Hmmm, Hyuuga, do you know that girl over there?"  Shigeru was
pointing to a young girl with a yellow ribbon in her hair little over 20
years of age. 
    "No, not really.  Could be a member of AMP.  There's another member
over there talking to Kensuke." 
    "Shinji should've introduced us to these women earlier.  I heard the
rest of the members couldn't make it." 
    "That's the cool thing about weddings, you get to meet a lot of people
you usually don't get to see.  Where's Misato anyway?" 
    "She's busy getting ready." 
    "I hope she didn't drink a lot of this champagne." 
    Finally, everyone sat down inside the chapel and the organist played. 
Kaoru was a picture of serenity standing at the side of the nervous
Shinji.  Ritsuko stood on the other side as maid of honor.  Rei let two
little tears of joy spill from her eyes. 
    "You're crying." said Cancer Man. 
    "Well, so are you." said Rei. 
    Finally, Misato appeared, a vision in a white lace and chiffon dress
that ended before it got to her knees.  She walked down the aisle without
a misstep.  But before the priest could open his mouth, there was a voice
yelling, "Stop the wedding!" 
    Everyone turned around to see Kaji in a tuxedo, clean-shaven for once
with a rocket launcher.  "Misato, lets run away together.  I swear I never
thought it would go this far. Well, if you're going this far to make me
jealous;  you've done it." 
    "I'm going to marry Shinji and get you out of my life once and for
all."  screamed Misato. 
    Suddenly, the roof was blown off.  Only Kaoru's and Rei's combined AT
fields kept the wedding party from behind anihillated.  Once the debris
had cleared, they saw Asuka in camoflauge standing on top of a tank.  "Yo,
Bimbo, Shinji is mine alone.  She unzipped her camoflauge uniform to show
a white stunning form-fitting beaded bodice with a chain belt across her
waist.  She took off her cap to reveal a veil. 
    Shinji opened his mouth.  This was the prettiest he'd ever seen Asuka. 
    "Kaji, you jerk!" screamed Misato, but he actually ran up and kissed
Misato on the mouth.  When she went up for air, she said, "You stupid!" 
Then they kissed again.  "Oh, my," she said. 
    Shinji was about to push Kaji down the aisle, but then Asuka did a
gravity-defying leap, screaming, "Sohryu Asuka Langley KIIIICKKK!"  and
jumps on Shinji, knocking him to the ground.  She quickly handcuffs his
hands behind his back. 
    "Why, Asuka?" 
    "I've told you that I had to watch out for your own best interests,
and that's what I'm doing, you baka."  Planting her foot in the square of
his back, she said, "Since keeping you alive despite your stupidity is a
twenty-four hour a day job; the only way I can do it is to marry you." 
    Shinji's mind was still scrambled from all the weirdness.  "You want
to marry me?" 
    "Oh, Shin-chan, thanks for proposing!" said the deluded Asuka. 
    Kaoru Nagisa immediately stands up and says, "I'm against this
marriage!  He belongs to me!" 
    "What?" screams a furious Asuka. 
    Rei stands up and stands in front of Kaoru, saying, "I will not allow
you to get in the way of Shinji and his happiness." 
    "Being with Asuka is happiness?" Then he leers at Rei, "How about we
work on our happiness?" 
    Rei blushes.  "Just what is wrong with you?" 
    "When I got injured last time, they must've used someone's cell
cultures to fix me up.  Someone named Ryouji-something.  Now how about
some Zero-G love?" 
    Kaji coughs and turns pale. 
    With that, both Rei and Kaoru suddenly fly off into the sky.  Everyone
looks up to see this huge Tree of Life Symbol in the sky. 
    Cancer Man claps his hands in glee.  Fuyutsuki was too busy talking to
Yui to react.  Almost everyone else was slack-jawed.  The two members of
AMP had a big drop each near their right temple. 
    Everyone melts into LCL for 30 minutes, then magically reforms in
their own clothes when the Tree disappears.  Almost everyone has the happy
glow of people who've experienced a bit of fun.  Maya Ibuki screams at the
sky, "Do it again!  Do it again!" while Ritsuko looks dazed but vaguely
pleased.  However, Cancer Man scowls as he didn't have a good time and
glares at Yui and Fuyutsuki who are now holding hands and smiling secret
smiles.  Asuka looks spastically gleeful while Shinji is in a fetal
position on the floor, whimpering for someone to help him.  Asuka then
says, "Thirty minutes wasn't enough.  Right, Shinji?  Right?" 
    Far above them, Rei and Kaoru rest for a bit and then Rei said, "Wow." 
    Kaoru said, "Lets keep going, our bodies haven't fused yet." 
    "But how about the wedding?" 
    "Oh, yeah.  We can start Third Impact later." They both drop back to
Earth. 
    "Double wedding!" yelled Kaji. 
    The priest officiating at the ceremony took one look at the rocket
launcher and did the short version.  After asking Kaji, who said yes, he
turned to Misato who briefly nodded her assent.  Then he turned to Asuka,
who said, "Of course I'll marry the baka." 
    Shinji grunted in pain, which the priest took as a yes.  The priest
announced they were now two married couples and that they could now kiss
each other.  Kaji and Misato were already doing that.  Asuka turned Shinji
to face her and she kissed him.  He opened his eyes really wide when she
went for an open mouth kiss and began massaging his chest. 
    Kaoru clapped his hands and said, "Omedeto (Congratulations)." 
    Everyone began to stand up and clap, saying, "Omedeto, Omedeto." 

THE END