gholmes@rodeo.sd27.bc.ca (Cory Holmes)


This fic has no relation to my other Eva fic, Home.  This one came out of
watching the last few episodes of Eva for the first time.
All characters, situations, etc.  belong to Gainax.
Spoiler Warning.


The Power of Pain


        "NO!  I don't want to see those things!  Get out of my mind!" Asuka
screamed.  It wasn't supposed to be this way!  She was supposed to win!
Win, not lose!  She saw images in her mind, images of her mother, father,
her mother and the doll.  "No!  Stay away from those!  Away!"
        Shinji, who was inside of Eva 1, couldn't stand listing to Asuka
suffer like that.  "Father!  Let me go!  Let me help her!"
        Commander Ikari, as stonily as always, replied: "No.  Unit 1 must
not be contaminated."
        "Dammit!  Let me go!"
        "No.  Contamination must be avoided at all costs."
        "If we won't send Shinji, what will we do?" Misato asked, nearly
breaking down into tears.  She cared for Asuka, she genuinely did care.
        "Rei, go get the Lance.  Use that to defeat the Fifthteenth Angel,"
Commander Ikari ordered.
        "But!  Ikari!" Fuyutsuki shouted in his ear, shocked by the
Commander's strategy.  "The old men will never stand for this!"
        "Yes, which is why we must act now, before they have a chance to
intervene."  On the screen, Eva 00 dashed to the nearest exit and jumped
down into the shaft.  All the time Asuka's voice was in the background,
giving reason to their current discussions.
        "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!  Stay out!  Don't make me
look!!!!! NNNNOOOOOOO!  I can't take it!!  STOP!!!!!!"  Asuka screamed as
the memories flooded over her.  She saw her mother in the hospital room,
cradling the doll like it was Asuka herself.  She saw her mother talk to
the doll in soothing tones, all the while ignoring her.  She saw her father
at his second wedding, looking so happy with this new woman in his arms
while he danced away.
        The whole time, Asuka felt like there was someone else in her mind,
watching the memories with her.  No, this other person, this Angel, was
making those memories happen.  The Angel pushed itself into her mind, it
pushed it's way through all the barriers she had set up for herself.  And
it did this while so far away that her friends could do nothing to help
her.
        Unit 00 was being lowered to Terminal Dogma by a huge cable.
Unfortunately for Asuka, it wasn't being lowered fast enough.  "Rei!
Hurry!" Misato yelled, impatient for Rei to get the Lance and save Asuka.
Unit 00 let go of the cable when it was still several hundred meters off
the floor, and it fell the distance at a rate that was still too slow for
Misato's liking.
        Rei saw the Lance sticking out of the huge form of Lilith.
Stepping into the huge lake of orange LCL that surrounded the cross, she
caused a wave of the liquid large enough to nearly capsize the UN vessel on
it.  Unit 00 quickly crossed to the red Spear, and firmly grasping it,
pulled it out, albeit very slowly.
        Shinji was getting angrier by the moment.  Why wouldn't his father
give the order to launch?  Why did Unit 1 have to be protected from
contamination?  Why did Asuka have to be sacrificed to prevent it?
Screwing up his courage, he opened the comms systems again.
        "Father!  Launch me!"  Commander Ikari looked like he almost sighed.
        "No.  Contamination must be prevented at all costs."
        "Why?!" The younger Ikari yelled.  Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki looked
at Commander Ikari with rapt interest.  How, and if, the Commander answered
would be most interesting.  'Shinji's finally showing some backbone.  I
think I like this,' he thought.
        "Because I say so."
        "Dammit!  Let me fight!" Shinji yelled, his anger threatening to
boil over and consume him.  Commander Ikari answered by shutting off the
channel.  For a split-second, behind those dark lenses, Fuyutsuki thought
he could see Commander Ikari roll his eyes, but then thought better of it.
'Nahh.  It couldn't have been that.  He would never do that,' he thought.
        During the time of the family argument, Rei had gotten the Lance,
returned to the surface, and was now preparing to throw it.  Eva 00 bent
it's knees in preparation for the throw.  Both arms grasped the weapon,
ready to unleash it at a moments notice.  Rei waited patiently for the
right moment, and the order, to attack.
        "Rei!  Do it now!" Misato ordered.  In response Eva 00 leaped
forward, both arms swinging, providing massive amounts of kinetic energy
and momentum to the weapon, and released it.  The two-pronged Lance flew
true to it's target, sighted along the beam of light that enshrouded Unit
02.  An AT Field appeared in front of the massive collection of light that
was the Angel, but did little to impede the Lance's progress.  Just as the
Lance touched the Angel, it winked out of existence.  When it did, so did
the shaft of light.  Asuka stopped screaming, and started crying.  Cheers
went up in the control room.
        "Yeah!"
        "We got it!"
        "Yes!"
        But they were short-lived for a few moments later, the Angel
reappeared, and sent it's shaft of light back down to Unit 02.  Asuka
started screaming again as her mind was forcibly entered.  This time, along
with the feeling that someone else was with her in her mind, she felt that
the thing, Angel, carried with it a feeling that could be best described as
annoyed.  Angered.  Enraged.
        "My, god!  It dodged the Lance!" a tech cried out.  Shock set in
for almost all in the room.
        "Now what do we do?"
        "Let me fight!"
        "No.  Contamination must be avoided."  Shinji, in so much anger
from his fathers repeated denials, nearly forgot something someone once
told him.  The memory flashed before his eyes, and he would've sworn that
someone whispered it into his ear.
        "Ask me anytime.  I'll be ready," the whisperer had said.  'So
that's it!  I know what to do now!' Shinji thought excitedly.  He closed
his eyes and tried to focus on where he remembered hearing that phrase.  He
could feel something inside of his mind with him.  'Just like when I was in
the Eva...' he starting thinking before he trailed off.  He started putting
two and two together, and did indeed come up with four.  'Eva!  That's
where I heard that!  When I was part of Eva!' he bubbled.  Satisfied with
his revelation, he understood what he needed to do.  He breathed the LCL
slowly, evenly, trying to slow his heartbeat, trying to concentrate.
        He felt the beginnings of contact, but the feeling was so dim that
Shinji doubt it was there.  He could feel the process starting up, taking
much longer than usual.  'Of course.  Unit 01 is in cryostasis.  It's just
like a person waking up in the morning.  It's trying to get it together,'
he thought.  Then he tried to think about what would make a person waking
up move faster.  'A threat to their life, someone they loved, something
that would get their attention,' he listed off in his mind, then understood
what it was that he had to do.  'I'm ready now, too,' he thought.  'Help
me.'
        Nothing happened.
        'Dammit!' he thought, and tried again.  And again.  And again.  And
again.  Nothing happened.  'Damn you!' he thought wrathfully.  'Help me!'
He couldn't believe it.  He was helpless!  He couldn't do anything to help
Asuka.  He was worthless to her.  He opened his eyes, and started to hand
his head low.  "I'm sorry, Asuka," he whispered to himself.  "I can't do
any thing to help you."  As if to answer him, Asuka's screams increased in
volume.
        He cringed a bit, but then decided to try again.  If Asuka was to
get through this, she would need his help.  Closing his eyes again, he
tried to initiate contact on his own.  It didn't happen.  Now, realising
that he was Asuka's last hope of surviving this fight, he resolved himself.
"I'm not going to give up.  I won't run away from this, not when she needs
me the most," he said quietly to himself, and then redoubled his efforts to
activate the giant weapon.
        For two minutes, nothing happened.  Two minutes of hell, listening
to Asuka scream, but being able to do nothing about it.  Finally, Shinji
broke down and started shouting at Eva 01.
        "Dammit!  Work!  Please work!!  Please?" he tried, but with the
same response, though he thought he could feel Unit 01's presence in his
mind jump a little at his request.  Shinji's feelings of anger and
resentment hit an all-time high, he hit the butterfly controls of his Eva.
        "Dammit!  You said I could ask anytime!  Well I'm asking now!  Help
me!" he shouted at the machine in anger.  Misato opened a channel to him,
to tell him to give up, when Maya interrupted.
        "Unit 1 is activating!!"
        "What did you say?!" Misato shouted back, startled at the idea.  In
his mind, Shinji could feel the warmth that always came when he activated
Unit 1.  He could feel peace, calmness.  But then he heard Asuka's
screaming, and knew he had to do what he was planning.
        With a loud crack, the layer of bakilite around Unit 01's head
shattered.  It looked down at the layer that coated it's body, and flexed.
It shattered just like the part covering it's head.  Now free from
cryostasis, it looked down at the restraints holding it's arms in place.  A
few tugs later, and it's arms were free.  The leg restraints followed suit.
Eva 01 was free from it's cold prison.  Free to help Asuka.  It raised a
fist and pounded the wall of the cage.  A large dent appeared in it.
Another blow and a crack appeared.  A third and part of the cage fell away.
A forth and the wall crumbled to the ground, releasing Unit 01.
        "Eject the Entry Plug!  Do it now!" Misato ordered.
        "No good," Maya answered after trying to comply.  "The signal's not
being received!  We can't do it!"
        "What's the Third Child's synch ratio with Unit 01?" Commander
Ikari asked, seemingly unfazed by the turn of events.
        "Holding steady at..." Maya said, then trailed off.
        "Holding steady at what?" Misato shouted.
        "99.99%," was the answer.
        "Misato!" Shinji yelled over the comm systems.  "I'm going out
there to help Asuka!  You can either help me, or try and stop me.  If you
try and stop me, it will only slow me down and make me angrier.  What will
it be?"
        Misato cast a glance around the room, hoping for some sign of help.
When her gaze landed on Commander Ikari, he only nodded after a moment of
thinking.  "Alright.  Go the seventh catapult.  We'll put you as close to
the target as possible," she answered.
        Asuka, who was feebly trying to stop the Angel's entry into her
mind, didn't notice Eva 01 pop out of the ground, a dozen meters away.  It
only cast Unit 00 a short glance before lumbering over to Unit 02, and
holding.
        "What can you do?" Misato asked.  "The Angel is too far away for
our weapons and AT Fields.  What can you do?" she repeated.
        "Watch and see," he replied.  He took a deep breath, momentarily
doubting that what he had in mind was the right thing to do.  Then he heard
Asuka screaming again, and all doubts fled his mind.  Taking two steps
forward, he put himself between Unit 02 and the Angel, right in the middle
of it's beam of light.  Unit 01's shadow fell over Unit 02, completely
shielding it.
        Asuka's screaming ceased, but this time she didn't cry.  She just
sat in her Plug and shuddered and twitched silently.  She tried to shut out
the images, and succeeded when the presence in her mind faded, but she
couldn't stop feeling so... so... dirty.  Used.  Raped.  "Shinji," she
cried out quietly, calling on the one person who would help her.  "Please
help me."
        Shinji felt the Angel slowly pull away from Asuka's mind, and focus
on his own.  'Perfect.  That part is finished.  But can I stand up to
what's coming?' he asked himself, and then answered himself.  'Not that I
have much of a choice, though.'
        He could feel something on the edge of his mind, poking here and
there, testing him.  The prodding continued at the edge of his
consciousness, not to painful, just a test.  Then it hammered him with a
massive blow.  The pain was enough to make Shinji's whole body jerk in
pain.  The sensation was painful enough to allow the Angel into his mind.
He got hammered by a short memory of when he saw his father for the first
time in Nerv, above Unit 01, ordering him into battle with the Third Angel.
        "Mayor!" Maya shouted as the data scrolled up her screen.  "The
Angel has shifted it's attention to Unit 1!"  Misato didn't know whether to
be happy or upset.  Happy because Asuka was in the clear, for now.  Upset
that Shinji was now the target.  'Or am I upset because he had to bully me
into helping?' she asked herself.
        "Well, we're committed now," Commander Ikari mused to himself.
Shinji, on the other hand, was getting a full dose of what Asuka herself
had gotten only a few minutes before hand.  He could feel the Angel trying
to force it's way into his mind, and it had partially succeeded, but
something within Shinji battled back, and tried to throw it off.  The
memory wavered for a moment, then returned full force.  Shinji cried out in
pain as his mind was forcefully invaded.  But something... something from
the Eva itself, Shinji knew that was the source, helped Shinji, and
together the two of them successfully threw the Angel's attack off.
        'So that's your game?' Shinji though to himself after he'd caught
his breath.  He didn't have too long a rest, for the Angel, none to happy
at being thrown off, redoubled it's efforts to penetrate into Shinji's
mind.
        On the screen, Unit 01 jerked back and forth a few times, just like
Unit 02 had done only minutes before.  It slowly sank to it's knees under
the pressure of the mental assault of it's pilot.
        Asuka, finally beginning to realise that she was no longer under
assault, ventured a look outside of her Eva.  She noticed, that, oddly
enough, it seemed a little darker than before.  'The Angel?' she thought,
and whipped her head around to see the shaft of light that was it's weapon.
It was only then that she saw Unit 01, standing between her and the Angel,
taking the brunt of the assault.  Her heart leapt in her chest.  'Shinji!
He came!' she thought, never once thinking about how it sounded.  She was
simply so happy that he was there that she never noticed how angry she
would've been at being saved by him again.
        Then, what the Angel had done to her started to sink in, and she
started crying again.  The feelings of being violated, abused, raped came
back in full force, far more painful than anything the Angel had done to
her.
        The Angel sent another jolt of pain through Shinji's nervous
system, causing him to spasm again, giving it another chance into his mind.
It forced him to relieve the memory of his short phone conversation with
his father, right before the Ninth Angel struck.
        Something whispered in the back of his mind, over the pain in his
body, over the pain he was feeling.  It told him to feel good.  Feel happy.
        "Happy?" He cried out incredulously.  "How am I supposed to feel
happy?"  Misato looked around the room.  Nobody had said a thing.  Who was
he talking to?  The Angel?
        Remember what being happy feels like, the whisperer replied.
Shinji tried to take the advice.  He tried to focus on when he had kissed
Asuka.  It wasn't as much a happy memory as an amusing one.  The other
memory, the one of his phone conversation wavered for a moment, then it
disappeared altogether.  "I get it now," he said after a few gasps of LCL.
        The Angel lashed out with a memory of Shinji being hit by Toji.
        He parried with a memory of walking to school with Toji and Kensuke.
        The Angel sent in a memory of being yelled at by Misato for
disobeying her orders in the battle against the Fourth Angel.
        He blocked by remembering her lame excuses for nearly everything
that went wrong with her.
        The Angel attacked with a memory of his father's small smirk that
seemed to be on his face perpetually.  Along with the memory came the
feeling of annoyance.
        Shinji blocked by remembering the time his father had congratulated
him for beating the Tenth Angel.  A small smile graced his features.
        "Don't like being fought, do you?" he asked the Angel, confidence
in his ability to beat, or at least to block, it.  The Angel then brought
out the big guns.
        It forced a memory of him watching helplessly as the
Dummy-controlled Unit 01 fought Unit 03, snapping it's neck, crushing it's
head, tearing it to pieces.
        Shinji desperately tried to block it with thoughts of Toji and
Kensuke drooling over Misato as she walked to the school, but he only
succeeded partially.  Now that it had a toe-hold in his mind, the Angel
sent dozens of memories and feelings at him, battering his feeble defences
and washing over him completely.  He started to convulse, as did Unit 01.
        "It's beating him!" Maya shouted.
        Shinji, now desperate for anything that would work, tried to
imagine a brick wall behind his eyes.  Something, anything to keep it out.
        "Major!  Shinji's synch ratio with Unit 01 is falling!  90%  85%
80%!  His synchro graph is being distorted!  It's winning!"
        Asuka looked on, helpless.  She was too frightened to help him.  It
might come back!  It might return and hurt her again!  'I can't take that
again!  I can't!' she thought.  She curled up into an even tighter ball,
hoping that she could simply hide behind her controls and disappear.  Maybe
then it wouldn't find her.  Maybe she'd be safe then.  Then she thought she
heard something.  'No!  Not that again!  I don't want to remember!  I want
to forget!  Leave me alone!'  That noise came back, louder this time, but
she only curled up tighter still.  'I don't want it!'  The sound returned,
louder still.  Now she tried to focus on it.  'Will that sound help me?
Will it make me disappear?'  Asuka dared to hope.  The next time it came,
she almost understood it.  Once more and she understood.
        "Asuka."
        It was her name.  Misato was calling her name.
        "Asuka!  Help Shinji!"
        "I can't," she replied in a hoarse whisper, her will completely
broken.  "I just can't do it.  I can't do anything..."
        Shinji's wall was crumbling.  The Angel simply battered it with an
endless assault of images and feelings.  Shinji got the impression that it
was gloating at him.  It was sneering at him, at his pathetic attempts to
stop it.  Just like his father did.
        With that thought, anger became first and foremost in his mind.
Through the haze of anger, he was dimly aware of Misato shouting something.
Below that feeling, though, he felt another presence tickle his mind, the
whisperer.  Give it what it wants, it whispered.
        'You want me to do what?' he asked it silently.
        Give it what it wants, it whispered again, and slowly, realization
crashed over Shinji's consciousness.  With a start, he understood what it
was suggestion.  After a heartbeat's hesitation, he agreed with it.
'Hell,' he thought, 'it's never let me down, so far.'  He marshalled all of
his courage, all of his anger, all of his pain, and pushed them all into a
small corner of his mind, far away from where the mental battle was taking
place.
        The Angel lashed out at him with another wave of pain and emotion,
but Shinji fought with all of his heart to keep it away from the nugget
he'd made in his mind.  Now truly annoyed at him, it spoke.
        "You've lost," it said, it's voice a million voices yet at the same
time, one voice; shouting yet whispering; everywhere yet nowhere.  "You're
weapon is gone, your will broken.  I will finish with your friend when I'm
done with you.  I have all your power now.  All that you have is pain."
        Shinji only smiled.  It was an insane smile that made everyone,
well everyone but one, shiver.  "That's where you're wrong, Angel.  You
know a lot about us, but you still don't understand one thing: life is
pain; and pain is _my_ power!!!!!!" he shouted, and opened the door in his
mind, and let loose all of his memories.  He forced himself to relive the
moment his mother was taken from him.  He forced himself to watch his
father walk off in the distance, not looking back at the crying child he'd
left behind.  He made himself relive the pain of watching Unit 01 fight
Unit 03.  He made himself remember hearing Misato cry while he did nothing.
He made himself remember how he was able to do nothing while the monster
was raping Asuka's mind.
        "Major!" Maya shouted.  "Shinji's synch ratio, it's rising.  It's
back to 99.99%!"
        "You wanted it?  You've got it!!!" he yelled as he slammed the
staggering amount of feeling into the Angel.  He was doing to it what it
had done to them.  "You'll never hurt her again!  Never again!  Do you hear
me?! Never!!"
        This last part caught Asuka's attention.  She looked up, only to
see Unit 01 stare into the shaft of light.  The light seemed to waver, and
then it built up around Unit 01's head.  She wiped the tears away with a
swipe of her arm.  She realized that he was sacrificing himself, or at
least his sanity, to save her.  She realized that he was doing this
himself, he was making himself remember.  While she could only cringe, he
was facing it.  All to save her.  Her heart fluttered again, and the
feelings of being dirty and raped faded from her mind as all of her
concentration went to watching Shinji fight for her.
        "As long as I live, I'll have the power to stop you!  You'll never
hurt Asuka ever again!!" he screamed as he drove the images home, right
into the Angel.
        Unit 01 stood up straight and the buildup of light around it's head
flashed for a moment, then shot up the Angel's shaft at an incredible
speed.  The moment it hit the Angel, the being of light exploded in a
shower of rainbow light that rained down on the bluegreen world below.  The
shaft of light ceased to be.  This time for good.
        Unit 01 slowly turned around, to face the felled Eva.  Unit 02
slowly raised it's own head.
        "Asuka," Shinji asked breathless.  The exertion had taken it's toll
on him.  "Are you all right?"  Asuka could only nod back, a new feeling
replacing the void left by the others.  She couldn't place it, but didn't
want to loose it.  It felt so nice.  "Well that's good," Shinji said,
moments before Unit 01 fell to it's knees and collapsed to the ground.
        "Pilot life signs are dropping!" Makoto shouted.  Unit 02 sprang
forth from it's position and charged over to the fallen Eva.  It knelt
down, and cradled Unit 01's head in it's lap.
        "Shinji!  Speak to me!  Shinji!" Asuka yelled, fear slowly clamping
it's cold tendrils around her heart.  "Don't you dare die on me!  Don't
die!  Dammit, live!!!"

end

If anyone wants to finish this, be my guest; I'm not going to.  Just let me
know if you are.

Cory Holmes
gholmes@rodeo.sd27.bc.ca