From: jetking00@aol.com (JetKing00) Subject: [Eva][FanFic] The Day of Nothing: Man 'Wit 4 Balls No Can Walk/Delraich and the Molten Harpy The Day of Nothing: Man 'Wit 4 Balls No Can Walk Featuring the Flaming Ass of Lilith [7:01 p.m. Among the Seele monoliths] Seele02: Hey, dudes I was just thinking... Seele04: Don't do that. You might hurt yourself. Seele02: I was just wondering about Pope John Paul the Two Seele05: That's Pope John Paul the II Seele02: Yeah, that's what I said, Pope John Paul the Two Seele05:... Seele02: Anyway, I was wondering if he might be a threat to us. I mean, the guy apologized for being responsible for allowing the Nazis to wreak havoc, for discrimination against minorities, and for discriminating against women. I mean, we couldn't even do that! Seele03: 02's got a point I think...the question here is, will he strike again? Seele02: Yes! Will he strike again! Seele03: Will he strike again! Seele02: Will he strike again! Seele03: Will he strike again! Kihl: 02, 03? Seele02+03:What? Kihl: Shut up. Seele02(whispering to Seele03):I think he's talking to you. Seele03(thinking):Kihl wants me. (The room is silenced as a sudden ripping sound echoes throughout. An enormous man off to the side grins, drool trickling down his mouth.) Fat Bastard: Ack! Ah fahted. (Kihl gags and waves his arms wildly.) Kihl: Jeez, for the love of--someone open a window! ---------------------------------------------------- [9:10 a.m. the next morning. Tokyo 3, under Angel attack] Touji(singing): Summer lovin' havin' a blaaast...Summer lovin' happened so faaast...I met a girl taught her to skiiiii....Met her boyfriend, broke both his kneees-- Misato: Okay okay, radio check complete. Enough. Touji: So how 'bout that Olivia Newton John? She's a Greek Pita I'd like to stuff. Shinji: She's Australian, not Greek...and the muscial "Grease" has nothing to do with the country Greece. Touji: Oh...I thought she was from New Zealand. That's one thing I hate about Australians. They like to hide away and pretend to be New Zealanders. A deceptive people. Misato: They did give us koala bears... Touji: I hate koala bears. Misato: Really? Touji: Sure...any animal who has more pocket-space than I do naked. Asuka: Even kangaroos? Touji: Especially kangaroos. (The ground around them suddenly rumbles and cracks as a huge cow emerges from beneath. It utters an unearthly roar and gives Unit-03 a rabbit punch and a groin-kick. The mecha falls over, clutching its lower extremeties.) Misato: Touji? You okay? Touji:... Misato: Touji! Shinji: Holy shit! Unit-03's balls! They're all swelling up! Rei:... Asuka (disgusted):... Misato (whistling): Wow...That's pretty big. Shinji: Yeah they're--ow! (The holy cow, angered at the lack of attention, has resorted to throwing dinner plates, forks, and jawbreakers at Unit-01) Shinji (to the Angel): Guh...! Stop that! I swear, if you attack someone with a topo gigio, I'm outta here. (The Angel screeches again, and rips off the top of a building. It tackles EVA-01, pinning it down with one arm, and drives the pillar of rubble into it's balls, destroying whatever testicular fortitude the mecha might once have had. Before it can find another victim, however, Unit-00 locks down its right arm and neck, in a type of chicken-wing crossface, while Unit-02 lands a crescent kick, nearly decapitating the cow. Asuka (to the Angel): You wanna wear the daddy pants now, is that it? Rei: ... Asuka (to the Angel): You wanna wear the daddy pants? (Asuka sends her EVA into a series of quick jabs aimed at the cow's eyes.) Angel (starting to cry): ... Rei: ... (EVA-02 headbutts the cow, sending it sprawling.) Asuka (to the Angel): You gonna squirt some now huh? You gonna squirt some? You gonna cry? Shinji (background): Oh God, I think my conjules are _leaking_! [9:24 a.m. Major Misato Katsuragi's Apartment] (Hikari, Kensuke, Touji, Asuka, Shinji, and Pen-Pen sit in the living room, watching TV. Touji and Shinji wear ice packs on their crotches, and clutch them gingerly.) Kensuke: Good God man! Would you stop doing that? It's nasty! Touji: Can't help it. Shinji: If we let go a' these bags, we'll start ejectulating blood. Not only is that hazardous for our health, someone in here might catch a vinario disease. (Everyone looks at him.) Shinji (quickly): I mean, not that I have a vinario disease, I'm just saying...cause uh....Touji...might have one. Yeah. Pen-Pen: I do not fear vinario diseases. I have had them all and have fully recovered from most of them. (Everyone looks at Pen-Pen.) Hikari (slowly): Okay...Okay no need to panic. Just scoot back, and don't make eye-contact. (The penguin suddenly finds himself isolated in the center of the room. He hangs his head in shame.) ---------------------------------------------------- [9:30 a.m. Gendo Ikari's Office] Gendo: Major, this isn't good. Fuyutsuki: How could you allow us to lose two units to this... this cow?! It didn't even have a weapon! Misato (stammering): Well....uh, it threw three plates, a fork, and a couple jawbreakers at Shinji.... Fuyutsuki: Did it use a topo gigio? Misato: Um...no. Fuyutsuki: Doesn't count. Misato: But still! We've never encountered anything that could do... well....see for yourself. We had no idea that the Angels knew so much about human anatomy. (She hands Gendo a manila folder. The commander opens it and begins shifting through its contents.) Gendo (whistling): Wow.... Fuyutsuki: Hey, those're almost as big as yours-- Gendo: Shut up Professor. Misato: We've got to prepare for the next time something like this happens. The pilots are unstable enough as it is....I don't wanna walk in here tomorrow to tell you Touji got raped by a Nairobian Twin-Dick Weasel. Fuyutsuki: ....So you did get rid of it right? Misato: Yep. We couldn't find a way to kill it so we shipped it to the U.S. Fuyutsuki: You what? -------------------------------------------- [New York] (The United States Army and Air Force lie in ruins around a single cow perched atop the Empire State building. The Angel raises its head into the air and belches.) -------------------------------------------- [Gendo Ikari's Office] Misato: Aoba thought it was funny as hell. Fuyutsuki: My head hurts. Misato: So can I go now? Fuyutsuki (sighing): Yes Major. Gendo: Wait, you have a dentist appointment today at 10:00. It's company policy. They're going to gas you, then pull out all your teeth and replace them with bio-degradable super-teeth that will enable you to fly and shoot bullets out of your mouth. -------------------------------------- [9:34 a.m. Major Misato Katsuragi's Apartment] (Touji walks by the kitchen and notices a can of beer sitting on the table. He picks it up and shakes it violently, then throws it out the window. The can falls several floors, meets head-on with a pigeon, shattering its skull, rolls down the street, escaping the grasp of several the homeless, rolls up a hill, rolls down a hill, into the sewage system, right back out of the apartment's toilet, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Pen-Pen comes by and picks it up. He begins to open it.) -------------------------------- [California] (The ground rumbles fiercely. Buildings topple. Children wake up screaming.) -------------------------------- [Major Misato Katsuragi's Apartment.] (The kitchen is destroyed. Pen-Pen lies on the floor, with a crater next to him, twitching. The rubble around him has faded into a light brown-beerish color.) Touji: Uh-oh. (The penguin makes an effort to raise his wing and give Touji the finger. However, because his upper appendages are wings, he does not have the necessary finger to peform the action.) Pen-Pen: ...Ji ji yhama bo hoar. (Pen-Pen's mind begins to drift.) ---------------------------------------------------- [Flashback to 5 minutes before Second Impact] [3:31 p.m. The North Pole] (Pen-Pen stands on a block of ice, addressing several dozen other penguins and eskimos.) Pen-Pen: My people, the hour has come! The humans have initiated Second Impact! We must flee, and migrate to warmer waters--I traded a tobogan, an igloo, and two of our eldest children for a pair of German submarines. Please board them in an orderly fashion. Women, children, and penguins first, Eskimos go last. (The crowd begins to slowly waddle towards two submarines on the side, their entrance hatches open. He notices a penguin on top of the left-most submarine, straddling it.) Pen-Pen (to himself): Oh shit. Pen-Pen (yelling): Hey! No! Kevin, stop humping the submarine! Stop! Kevin: Qwuaaa! Pen-Pen (yelling): Yes, I realize that you haven't had it in a long time, but if you don't stop now you're going to-- (There is a loud screech of ripping metal. One of the submarines begins to sink.) Pen-Pen (yelling): Okay. Screw the eskimos. ---------------------------------------------------- [Present Day 9:30 a.m.] Misato Katsuragi's Apartment Asuka: --Look I'm not saying that Descartes wasn't important, but any moron who can operate a fork knows that his epistemological theorem degenerates into solipsistic redundancy! Shinji: You didn't hear me right. I said, "It stinks, therefore it's Spam." Asuka: Oh...sorry. Touji: It's not that I don't like Daisy Duke...I mean Barbara Bach did for cut-off jeans what Marilyn did for steam vents...But did you actually see the Duke's Reunion? Ugh...Gag. Hikari: Now that's just plain mean. Retro is in, and you have to look at her as a document. A part of the times! Touji: It's a document best left unread 'kay? Hikari: Well, I say we have a poll--hey, what's Pen-Pen doing? (The penguin is on his back, eyes closed, twtiching.) ---------------------------------- [10:24 a.m. The deepest, darkest corner of Pen-Pen's mind] (Pen-Pen sits, surrounded by pitch blackness, along with a man wearing leather breeches, sandals, and an "I am Woman, Hear me Roar" T-shirt.) Pen-Pen: Y'know....I once heard of a guy who drank so much his bladder exploded. Colonel Klink: I guess that's why we have two bladders then, isn't it? Pen-Pen: ... Colonel Klink: .... Pen-Pen: ... Colonel Klink: .... Pen-Pen: ... Colonel Klink: .... Pen-Pen: Who the hell are you? Colonel Klink: ...I'm Colonel Klink. Pen-Pen: You a visual representation of my conscience? Colonel Klink (disdainfully): I should say not. That thing over there is your conscience. (Klink points.) Pen-Pen: ....What is it? Colonel Klink: It's a topo gigio of course. Pen-Pen: Ah, I see. So why are you here Colonel? Colonel Klink: Why, I'm here to tell you about your destiny. Pen-Pen: Wuzzat? Colonel Klink: You have lost track of your goal. Do you remember anything from your childhood? Pen-Pen: Um....I used to have a huge bannana in the backyard and it tried to eat me everyday. Colonel Klink: ....Besides that. Pen-Pen:....no. Colonel Klink: Well, you wanted to rule the world and make all Canadian turkeys, preferably the ones from Toronto, your sex slaves. (A gerbal runs by, and promptly straddles the topo gigio.) Pen-Pen: My conscience always get humped like that? Colonel Klink: Actually, yes. Pen-Pen: Whoa. ------------------------------------- [11:00 p.m. Major Misato Katsuragi's Apartment] Shinji: Hey look, he stopped twitching. Touji: Maybe he's dead. Asuka: Poke him. (Shinji nudges the penguin. No response.) ---------------------------------------------------- [11:01 a.m. Pen-Pen's imaginary Cleveland.] (Colonel Klink and Pen-Pen walk down a country road. They're surrounded by naked women.) Colonel Klink: So this is Cleveland....always wanted to come here. Pen-Pen: Actually, it isn't. It's more like Kentucky. Colonel Klink: Does Kentucky always have naked chicks walking around? Pen-Pen: I'm not sure exactly. You do realize that the longer I'm in this coma the less chance there is of me surviving right? Colonel Klink: Well, you can't wake up until you come to grips with your conscience, and promise it what it's been wanting. Pen-Pen: You mean world domination? Colonel Klink: Yes. (They stop walking and Pen-Pen realizes that Imaginary Cleveland has faded away, replaced by a huge topo gigio.) ----------------------------------- [11:02 a.m. Major Misato Katsuragi's Apartment (Pen-Pen is on the floor, eyes closed. Shinji pokes him again.)] Pen-Pen:....St.... Shinji: ? Pen-Pen: Stop.... Pen-Pen: Stop....poking.....me. (The penguin points his right wing at Shinji.) Pen-Pen: With my final breath.....I curse you..... Pen-Pen: ...And point my finger at you in disgust. (Pen-Pen's wing drops and his body goes limp.) Shinji:.... Asuka:.... Kensuke:.... Hikari:..... Touji:..... (Shinji reaches over and pokes Pen-Pen.) Pen-Pen (shuddering):....Nnnnnn. ---------------------------------------------------- [11:07 a.m. Pen-Pen's imaginary Japan] (Pen-Pen and Colonel Klink walk down a bustling street filled with... Cambodians?) Colonel Klink: Well now. It appears that your brain is running out of oxygen. You must make peace with your conscience before it's too late! Pen-Pen: So how do I do that? Colonel Klink: You must apologize to it. Pen-Pen: For doing what? Colonel Klink: You don't need to think about that. Just apologize. Pen-Pen: Okay. (The penguin mentally conjures up a topo gigio.) Colonel Klink: Go ahead. Hug it. (Pen-Pen reluctantly wraps his wings around it.) Colonel Klink: Good. Now tell it you're sorry. Pen-Pen: I'm sorry. Liam Neeson: For what? Pen-Pen: Who said that? Liam Neeson: It's me. Your conscience. Pen-Pen: Oh....Liam Neeson is my conscience? Colonel Klink: No, your conscience is a topo gigio. Who're you talking to? Pen-Pen: My conscience. Colonel Klink: Don't be silly. Your conscience can't talk. It's a topo gigio. Pen-Pen: Well, it sounds a lot like Liam Neeson. Colonel Klink: Now explain what you plan to do about taking over the world. Pen-Pen (to the topo gigio): I'm going to use hardware from the Playstation 2 to create an arsenal of missiles and attack the U.S. embassy. Then I'm going to export MSG to all the other major world powers. Liam Neeson (singing): Oh Canada, my home and native land. Oh Canada! ----------------------------------------- [11:10 a.m. Major Misato Katsuragi's Apartment] Shinji:.... Asuka:.... Kensuke:..... Touji:..... Hikari:..... Misato: WOO! Asgashewhoohodingupderline? Shinji: ? Asuka: She went to the dentist today. Hyped up on goofy gas. Shinji: Ah. ---------------------------------------------------- [11:12 a.m. Pen-Pen's Imaginary Arizona] (Pen-Pen and Colonel Klink are standing on the side of a dirt road. They are surrounded by Greeks. Greeks and donkeys. And a giraffe.) Pen-Pen: So can I leave now? Colonel Klink: Sure, why not? (The penguin turns and begins to walk away.) Colonel Klink: Wait! (Pen-Pen turns his head without stopping). Pen-Pen: What? Colonel Klink: I want you to have my T-shirt. Pen-Pen: I don't want your T-shirt. Colonel Klink (hurt):....Fine. Maybe I'll keep it. Pen-Pen: You do that. --------------------------------------- [11:13 a.m. Major Misato Katsuragi's Apartment] (Pen-Pen suddenly wakes up in Hikari's lap. He's wearing an "I am Woman, hear me Roar" T-shirt. He looks down at himself, rips up the shirt, and screams to the ceiling.) Pen-Pen (screaming): COLONEL KLINK, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?! Asuka: And still no plot development... (The phone rings. Misato picks it up.) Misato: Hooishtish? Hyuuga: ? Misato: Heyyo? Hyuuga: Excuse me? Misato: Howeishdish? (*Fart*) Misato: Heh heh. Esqushme Hyuuga: Can I uh....talk to Misato please? Misato: Dishishhe Hyuuga: ....*click* Misato: Heyyo? ----------------------------------------- [11:20 a.m. The NERV control room] Hyuuga: There's something going on over there. Fuyutsuki: ? Hyuuga: Called her apartment twice. Someone keeps picking up. Sounds like they're lit. Fuyutsuki: Oh. That's just Misato. She had a dentist appointment today. The goofy gas. Hyuuga: Ah. Maya: So what do we do about this Angel? (She gestures towards the large hippo lazily munching on the Nerv HQ building.) Fuyutsuki: Just call again. Get the pilots up here. Hyuuga (quietly, almost to himself): Would you rather do a hippo, or a rhino? Fuyutsuki: My head hurts. Maya: Perhaps you have a tumor. ----------------------------------------- [11:32 a.m. Tokyo 3] Shinji: Why a hippo? Misato: Sigplsehodinguptheline? Shinji: ... Fuyutsuki: Don't just stand there, do something! Asuka: I'm not gonna touch it. Touji: I know! This is sick. I'm out. (Unit 3 sinks to its haunches and begins barking at some women walking down the street. They run away screaming and Touji runs after them.) (A loud banging noise can be heard. Fuyutsuki is smashing his head against Hyuuga's computer console.) Fuyutsuki (to himself): Okay. Okay. Calm down Fuyutsuki... Where's Rei? (Unit-00 is down the street, staring hard at the Angel.) Rei: ... Fuyutsuki: Rei, what're you doing? Rei: I'm trying to give it cancer with my mind.... (The subcommander utters something between a whimper and a maniacal laugh.) Fuyutsuki: Major? Did you bring anything for lunch? Misato: YeasheIdoes Fuyutsuki: Did you make it yourself? (The Major nods.) Fuyutsuki: Could you bring it here? (Misato hands him a plastic box full of curry. Hyuuga's eyes widen as he realizes what the subcommander is about to do.) Hyuuga (frantically): Don't do it sir! Misato: Esqushme? (Fuyutsuki puts a spoon into the goo, and prepares to stick it into his mouth, when Hyuuga leaps from his chair, knocking it out of the subcommander's hand. The curry lands on Hyuuga's face. Hyuuga: MY EYES! AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!! (Fuyutsuki puts his head in his hands and squeezes.) Misato: Pehapsouaveatumor. Fuyutsuki: It's not a tumor... Maya: Shinji, it looks like it's up to you. Shinji: What? Maya: Go kill the Angel. Shinji: Quiet! It'll hear you! Maya: We're speaking through radio transmission. I highly doubt that-- (The hippo climbs a building and flips into an assai moonsault off the top--) Shinji: ... (--and twists into a cross-body, crashing into Unit-01.) Maya: ... Hyuuga (background): AAAIIIEEEE!!!!! IT'S SEEPING INTO MY BRAAAAIIINNN! (Shinji tries to land a haymaker, but the hippo catches EVA-01's fist, reversing the attack into an armbar.) Shinji: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow... (The Angel releases Shinji from its submission hold and sends Unit-01 sprawling with a dropkick.) ---------------------------------------------------- Hours later Misato: Well....at least it stopped eating. Maya: Yeah, but half the city is gone. (Fuyutsuki is on his hands and knees trying to lick up curry that dropped off of Hyuga's face.) Misato: Status report guys. Hey Shinji, you still alive? Shinji:... Misato: Shinji? Aoba: He's got a minor concussion. Nothing to worry about. (On every screen in the room is an image of the Angel sitting on Unit-01's face.) Misato: What about Rei? Maya: She's still sitting there trying to telepathically infect the Angel with cancer. Misato: And Touji? Aoba: We can't find him. Those women he was chasing boarded a boat and they've left the island. Looks like Touji went after them. END 'O PART I. NEXT: THE BS CONTINUES [Featuring the flamming ass of Lilith]