From: "JOYCE K WAKABAYASHI" <MOBIUSKLEIN@prodigy.net>
Subject: [EVA][fanfic] Thanatos (If I can't be yours)


Thanatos (If I can't be yours) 

	I can't be late for my first meeting with Dr. Akagi, thought Maya
Ibuki. I'm going to look so stupid if I say I'd gotten lost in NERV
headquarters.  She looked at her hand computer.  "Hmm, it's telling me I
should go to the poolroom."
	She opened the door to the room.  She stepped inside to see a vast
pool and Ritsuko swimming in a form fitting one-piece.  Ritsuko saw her
and swam over to her.  "Hi," Ritsuko said.  "You must be Maya Ibuki, my
new assistant." Was her smile a little coquettish, thought Maya. 
	"Yes, Dr. Akagi."  She turned quickly away; embarrassed by the way
her heart was beating.  I'm being silly, she thought, Dr. Akagi may be the
best polymath specialist in the world, but you shouldn't let your
excitement take control even if it's a major honor to work with her.  She
must like cool, logical people.  She swallowed and turned around. 
	"I like to swim every morning.  It clears my head before work. 
You should try it," Ritsuko said as she stepped out of the pool.  "Go to
the computer room.  I'll be there in half an hour." 
	She's beautiful, thought Maya.  Oh, what am I thinking?  "Ah, yes,
Dr. Akagi!" 
	"Why don't you call me Ritsuko?" 
	"That's too informal!" she protested.  How can I just call her by
her first name? She thought.  "How about Sempai?" 
	Ritsuko looked amused, she had a wonderful smile.  "Sure.  I
actually like it." 
	She had gone off to the computer room and waited.  The woman who
came into that room seemed an altogether different woman, cool,
professional, brilliant, even a little mysterious behind those glasses
that caught the glare of the lights above them.  She gave a short overview
of the project, then explained what they were going to do in terms that
stretched her knowledge to its limits.  This person, Maya thought, was
like a well-cut diamond, sharp and clear, but depending on what light
she's under, showing new and interesting aspects. 
	This first meeting had been several years before the Angels came. 
It had been in the early fall, but that word had lost its meaning in this
world of eternal summer.  She was introduced to the rest of the staff
including Hyuuga and Shigeru, who were nice men that mother would probably
enjoy having over, but she had no special feelings for them.  * * *
	It had taken weeks of having her heart speed up whenever Ritsuko
was in the room, a wonderful giddiness and an excited nervousness for her
to finally admit that she felt more than just simple admiration.  Watching
Ritsuko work and theorize made her feel like she was in the same room as
Einstein, Steven Hawking, and Enrico Fermi all at the same time.  But at
the same time, there was something else.  It had taken an overheard
conversation between Ritsuko and Gendo to fully realize the depth of her
feelings. 
	She had forgotten a disk in Ritsuko's office and had opened the
office door to get it, when she heard this: 
	"You didn't show up at the bar last night." 
	"I had to take Rei to bathe in LCL." 
	"You didn't even bother to call.  I waited for you for an hour. 
You're such a pig."  Ritsuko sounded like she was about to cry. 
	"I think you're forgetting who is Commander!" 
	She scuttled away from there as quickly as possible, feeling a
mixture of embarrassment and indignation.  How dare he treat Sempai like
that, she thought.  Does that man know whom he's talking to?  She deserves
better treatment than that.  I wouldn't stomp all over her feelings, I'd .
. . Then she stopped right in the middle of that statement.  I'd . . . 
love her.  * * *
	The Christmas party that year had been at a karaoke bar.  Hyuuga,
Shigeru, Katsuragi, and some of the support staff showed up, but Ritsuko
had declined.  She would've declined too, but Ritsuko had told her that
she should have fun.. Even without Ritsuko, it had been somewhat fun. 
Amazingly enough, Hyuuga-kun tried to rap, which nearly knocked Misato off
her chair with laughter, not that she needed that much help considering
the fact that she'd had drunk a big Sapporo bottle.  Misato had gone up
and sang, "I did it my way," while most people did the obligatory pop
ballads. 
	When it was her turn, she shook her head out of embarrassment. 
Shigeru kept gently pushing her, saying, "We made fools out of ourselves,
not it's your turn." 
	She leafed through the song selection and found the one she
wanted.  "I want to sing 'Thanatos.'" 

	She got up and began to sing, her voice a little shaky. 

"Now it's time, I fear to tell I've been holding it back so long But
something strange deep inside of me is happening I feel unlike I've ever
felt And it's making me scared That I may not be what I think I am." 

	Then she saw Ritsuko walk in the door and nearly gasped, but she
couldn't stop singing.  Then she decided to sing the song the best she
could, with as much meaning as she could. 

"What of us, what do I say Are we both from a different world Cause every
breath that I take, I breathe it for you I couldn't face my life without
you.  And I'm so afraid.  There's nothing to comfort us What am I, if I
can't be yours?" 

	She noticed Ritsuko looking up at her and smile.  She felt that
tightening in her chest. 

"I don't sleep, don't feel a thing And my senses have all but gone Can't
even cry from the pain, can't shed a tear now I realize we're not the same
And it's making me sad Cause we can't fulfill our dreams in this life." 

	She saw the members of the Christmas party looking up at her with
something like stunned admiration.  She felt a tear go down her face. 

"So I must, let us break free
I can never be what you need
If there was a way through the hurt,
Then I would find it
I'd take the blow; yes I would fight it
But this is the one, impossible dream to live
What am I, if I can't be yours?"

	The song ended and she jumped off the stage and back to her seat. 
There was applause from the rest of the audience, not just the group from
NERV.  Shigeru turned to her and said, "Maya, you didn't tell me you could
sing." 
	"I don't really," she said. 
	Ritsuko walked up to her and said, "It's just like you to do
something amazing from nowhere.  One of these days, you should make me a
tape of that song." 
	Hyuuga teased her saying, "Now we've got an idol singer in NERV." 
	Maya hid her face behind her hands. 
	"Maya," scolded Ritsuko, "Stop hiding that face, you'll never get
anyone if you keep doing that." 
	Maya put her hands down, but flushed instead.  "I thought you
weren't coming to the Christmas party."
	Ritsuko took out a cigarette and lit up.  One of the habits I wish
she'd give up, Maya thought.  Ritsuko took a puff, then said, "I decided
that I should see the debut of Maya the idol singer."
	Maya was the only one who could see the redness in her Sempai's
eyes that indicated she'd been crying.  "Sempai, stay for a while. " 
	"Yeah, Ritsuko," said Misato.  "Sing a song." 
	Ritsuko stubbed out her cigarette.  "I can't sing." 
	"Sempai, just one song." 
	"OK, one." 
	Ritsuko flipped through the songbook then began singing, "Fly Me
to the Moon."  Maya jerked her head up and heard: 

"Fly me to the moon
and let me play among the stars,
let me see what Spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand!
In other words, darling kiss me"

"Fill my heart with song
and let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true!
In other words, I love you!"

	Tears began to stream down Maya's face.  "Oi," said Shigeru.  "Why
are you crying?" 
	"I'm crying?" said Maya.  She touched the moisture on her face. 
"It's just that. . ." Then she realized he would never understand, so she
said, "It's just that Sempai is so good at everything, even singing." 

THE END