aj153@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (David Watson) "Victory" A Neon Genesis Evangelion songfic by Dave Watson (aj153@freenet.carleton.ca) Based on the song written, performed and copyrighted by NoMeansNo, from the album _Small Parts Isolated and Destroyed_ (Wrong Records/Alternative Tentacles). Neon Genesis Evangelion and its characters are conceived and copyrighted by Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, published by Kadokawa Shoten, and produced as an anime by Gainax. To all involved: Don't sue me, I'm dead poor. Even NoMeansNo has more cash than I have. This was written for love, not money, and should be distributed the same way. May contain spoilers, nuts or nut products, so people with allergies, take note. When I set out on this journey I thought it would never end (Shinji is laying in a hospital bed in the bowels of NERV. He thinks back on his arrival in Tokyo-3, when he was still bright and hopeful about being called upon by his long-lost father, who he had missed greatly. In light of everything he has gone through, it seems like an eternity ago.) When I started down that road I could not see the end (He remembers phoning Misato from a phone booth at the station, hearing only a pretaped operator's voice, and seeing an Angel approach in the horizon. The awe and fear he felt. If he had only known...) and when I took that first step I fell in so deep (...that his life as he knew it was going to be ripped away from him brutally. It started with him being virtually shoved into Eva-01 after finding out that the only reason his father wanted him was to pilot it. To go from expecting love to being expected to kill is not something that leaves a young boy untouched.) and all the things that were so hard won I thought I would always keep (And all these people who he had gotten to know since then...Misato, Rei, Touji, Asuka...did they ever come to see him? He didn't know if they had or not. He had been driven so deep into his own mind that he had all but totally shut down his senses, and didn't want to be hurt any more than he was now. He didn't want anything except to be pulled out of his torment, but would that really make him feel any better? Every time he tried to get away to sort out what was going through his head, someone would make him feel guilty for just trying to be himself, and his nerves would be scraped raw yet again. Ha had no idea if it would get any better now. He didn't want to try to find out.) Now what do you think I see Standing like a wall in front of me (All the faces merge into the brutal mask of Eva-01. The smell of blood as the LCL filled the plug. The pain that shot through his body when an Angel attacked him.) Defeat, not victory Defeat, not victory Defeat, not victory (Shinji thought he had won several times against Angels, but now these victories rang hollow. Except for one time, his father said nothing to him about it. And that one time he did compliment him, it was over a communication line. Never to his face. Didn't anything make his father happy? Didn't he understand what happiness is?) What are you going to do? Die? No You going to lay down and die? No (It seemed like all he ever got from his father was challenged and scorned. At some point or another in his life in Tokyo-3, everybody he knew had rebuked him for being thrust into circumstances beyond his control, not to mention comprehension. And all Shinji could do was fight as hard as he could, whether inside Eva-01 or lying in his bed staring at the ceiling, to hold onto himself for dear life.) I will not admit defeat I will not admit defeat I will see victory (And now it had come to this. A few steps away from comatose, locked away in his own skull, unable and unwilling to come out just to be knocked back again. He would win against this life no matter what it took. He would claim himself for himself, not for NERV, his father, Eva-01, nobody else.) Pride and deceit have choked my life like weeds (Shinji thinks back on the time he had battled the 12th Angel, Lelial. He had tried on the big man act for size and he wound up consumed by his enemy, not to mention by his own foolish ego.) and I lost sight of what I really had What I really need (He had been told that everybody had been worried sick over him when NERV had lost contact with him. Even Asuka had collapsed on the ground. He still couldn't believe that. He'd wondered if anybody still cared for him now, trapped and unable to do anything except feel his mind fold in on itself.) and all the things I should have valued I gave away for a prayer and a song and now when I reach out for them they are gone (Shinji remembers Misato in her room, listening to the answering machine message from Kaji over and over again and crying her eyes out, when he just wanted to talk about what he himself had been going through. How he went to his room and buried his head under his pillow to try to block out her deafening, soul-ripping sobs. The faith he had lost when one of the very few pillars of strength in his life crumbled to dust. His own foolishness for not trying to help her as she had helped him.) Now you know what I see standing in front of me like a tombstone A fucking monument to human misery (The face of his father. The face of Eva-01. Their features melt into each other, both the things he needed most in his life, yet that he also despised the most.) Defeat, not victory Defeat, not victory Defeat, not victory (They had overtaken his very existence, seemingly robbing him of his own will and whatever small happiness he could gather. It made him feel as helpless as a baby bird and as angry as a volcano. All he could do was scream and lash out at the very forces that made him this way. NERV. His own father.) What are you going to do? Die? No You going to lay down and die? No (For his troubles, he wound up in his father's office in a restraining chair, hands cuffed behind his back, hearing his father berate him, saying how threatening him and NERV is considered serious treason.) I will not admit defeat I will not admit defeat I will see victory ('Treason? You bastard,' thought Shinji. 'You abandoned me during a part of my life when I needed you and now you talk to me about treason? I thought you loved me. Why did you even bother with me? Why did you even have me in the first place? Fuck you!' A nurse shows Asuka into the room. Most of the fire in her eyes has gone out since the incident with the 15th Angel, Arael. The fact that she recovered enough from that was miraculous to all who knew her, even though she's so doped up on behaviour control medication that she seems like a totally different person. Nobody could really say if this is a good thing, since, while she's now not as hard to get along with, the passion that many people considered her greatest asset had diminished. She sees Shinji in the bed, clenching his fists, trembling, muttering, snarling and grinding his teeth.) Do I have any friends here? I can't see Are any of my friends here? I can't see (Asuka looks at the blithering wreck before her and is saddened by what she sees. She was like that herself not very long ago. And to see a person she had gotten close to in spite of herself reduced to this... "Mein Gott. Shinji...if I'd only known. If I'd only treated you with the respect you deserved...I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for you. And I treated you like scheisse. Why?" She turns her head down and walks towards him, tears dripping from her eyes. Shinji senses someone's presence in the room and turns to face her, unseeing.) What about you? Could you be a friend to me? What about you? Could you mean something to me? (He stretches both shaking arms towards Asuka, gripping her arms around the shoulders as she bends to try to talk to him.) I've got a question to ask you and then you can ask it of me It's a simple request and then you can make it of me (He pulls her towards him. She can see his eyes begging, can hear, feel and smell his breath rattling, can taste his very fear. And her own. He manages to choke out one sentence to her:) Can you forgive me? Can you see what will be? Is it victory? (Now Shinji is burying his face in Asuka's chest and sobbing, and his fingertips are digging painfully into her arms. She becomes very frightened and screams out for help. Two nurses burst in.) Now I can't show you all the things I've seen and I can't make you feel anything Certainly not what they meant to me (One of the nurses grabs Shinji's wrists and tears him off of Asuka, who looks like she has gone into shock. The nurse yells at the other one to ready something.) and someday I know, no matter how hard we try we are all going to have to lay down and die (The other nurse takes a hypodermic syringe from the cart, taps and plunges it a bit to clear the air bubbles from the liquid, swabs a spot on Shinji's arm with an alcohol wipe and injects a powerful sedative used in emergencies like these. His convulsions start to subside. The first nurse releases his wrists, and turns to lead a stunned Asuka out of the room. The second nurse stays to watch him.) so maybe I should just tell you what I hope and believe For every defeat, there will be a victory For every defeat, there will be a victory In defeat Victory (After a short time, Shinji slips into a dark chemical sleep, hoping that he can communicate with his mother again like he had done during one of the times they had to put him under. The nurse checks to see if his breathing and cardiac rates are stable, opens his mouth to make sure his tongue hasn't slipped back into his throat, and tucks his arms under the covers. She then fills out a quick report in a pad and wheels the cart out of the room, wishing she was able to go have a drink somewhere. She needed a break badly. He was a tough case, like Asuka was, but compared to her, he was recovering at a faster rate, and would be eligible for counselling before too long. The nurse hoped that it would work out for him, as she was pleased with all the work he had done defeating Angels, and hated to see him this way.) ******* This was a hard fic for me to write, and like my previous effort, Past the Return Date (a "bitter lemon" based on Video Girl Ai, which can be found in the rec.arts.anime.creative archive under Miscellaneous/Lemon/), it gets pretty dark and desperate, but I've left a glimmer of hope at the end. That's all we can ask for from troubled times, isn't it? And yes, some of the words and characteristics of Shinji and Asuka are a bit out of character with what you see in the anime, but wouldn't you be after experiencing such trauma? The thing I like most about Evangelion is that it provokes people to think and feel. I hope this fic did the same for you as well. Oh, and check out NoMeansNo's music if you ever get the chance. Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome at: aj153@freenet.carleton.ca -- Dave Watson, Severed Heads Liberation Front (Re-release the _Stretcher_ EP!) Frezier Balzoff (Ottawa), Ontario, Canada Email--aj153@Freenet.carleton.ca My music and anime webpage: http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Alley/4207/ ONTARIO--Where FASCIST PRAGMATISM and DEFICIT HYSTERIA pass for COMMON SENSE.