From: "Gaunt" Disclaimer: The Slayers characters and setting, as well as the Evangelion characters and setting, belong to some very nice people who aren't us. Please, `very nice' people, don't sue us. This is not meant to infringe on copyright, and is not meant to make money. Anyone who's read fanfics knows this. Please feel free to distribute this as you like. You may have seen this before. It's been posted to the FFML, and been given a very good MSTing. I'm posting it to RAAC because any venue is a good venue, some of you might just enjoy it, and we may get useful C&C (ha!). If you have intelligent commentary, (not just "I like it" or "It's good" or "I laughed until milk came out my nose") we will a) wonder if you actually read it and b) take it into serious consideration. Please send all commentary to: Laughlin@accessv.com or evansjt@interlog.com No Angels were hurt during the production of this fanfic (well, except Bloanawltuhel, but can you blame us?). * A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover * * * * Cruel Lina's Thesis * * * * Part 1: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to... * Introduction ---------------- "DIGGER BOLT!" Blue arcs of electricity leapt from Lina Inverse's hands. The scarlet haired sorceress wiped her brow after sending another crowd of the strange, black-clad warriors to their final reward. "Y'know Gaurry, these guys in black are persistent, but they aren't very skilled. Why are they after you, anyway?" Gaurry was occupied for the moment, mowing his way through a small legion of the shadowy warriors. "I sorta busted into their temple and ran off with some heirloom sword or something." Realizing this sounded bad, he kept talking. "But they're a clan of assassins, so it's not like I'm really stealing, Right?." Lina laughed and let off another spell, sending more black-masks running for cover. "It's about TIME you got the idea, Gaurry! There's hope for you yet!" On top of a pile of former elite warriors, the young girl known as Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune clasped her hands warmly to her breast. "Oh Mister Gaurry! Your shining example of justice in action is an inspiration to..." While Amelia was winding up for yet another long-winded dissertation on the virtues of virtue, even more `master assassins' crept fearfully forward hoping to rid the world of such bad prose. However, without breaking cadence, "... and the fish of the air and the birds of the -FIREBALL- seas have....." she disintegrated the intrepid band of disposable warriors into a pile of black ash. Again, more ash. "I can't believe that I'm related to this flake. The only thing that we possibly share in common is that our breasts are still bigger than a certain physically immature sorceress we all know and despise." said Naga, giggling maniacally. There came a calm to the battle, the type of calm that forebodes greater destruction. The type of calm that tends to send incidental characters running for cover. Doubtlessly, this came about because the (all right, let's just spit it out. Ok? They're ninjas; everyday regular disposable ninjas) enemy, who was not blind, noticed an actinic blue glow around Lina. She was pissed. Amelia, being quite familiar with the older sorceress' fits of anger, opted to be the voice of reason. "Lina? Lina? That's... that might not be a very good idea." Lina, who is often deaf to the voice of reason, growled. " I. Have. Had. Just. About. Enough. Of. You. You. Tag-along. Talentless. Wannabe. Sorceress." Gaurry and Amelia looked to each other seeking confirmation that this was 'really' a bad thing. Lina's aura, by this time, was shifting through the united colours of Beneton. Yes, this was 'really' a bad thing. "Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..." Lina began the incantation to the most powerful spell in black magic. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod Miss Lina's really casting it! WhatamIgonnado?!" Amelia ran in a small, hysterical circle. "Buried in the flow of time..." "Of course!" Amelia hastily pulled a grease-stained, wine-soaked scroll from her belt pouch, and flipped it open. "Aaah! This is so stained from the bar fight last night I can hardly read it! not that I really know how to read this language anyway." "in thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness!" "Umm... By the holy wings of... Mayonnaise?... bear us swiftly and surely and...ah! there isn't enough time for me to read this! Umm... swiftly and surely and... yaddayaddayadda upright, locked position,..." "Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess!" "Klaatu, Barata, Blahblahblahyakkityshmakkity...BALDUR'S GATE!" "DRAGU SLAVE!!" This, dear readers, is when something WENT HORRIBLY WRONG ;.... as expected. It wouldn't be much of a crossover if it didn't. The resulting sphere of raw, semi-focused power cast the heroes and heroines away. Who cares about the ninjas. Those that could still walk reformed their evil ways and opened up a line of fast food restaurants; Ninja-hut . ----------------------------- Back in the 'real' world ----------------------------- KABOOM! A large cross shaped explosion dominated the Tokyo-3 skyline. followed by a series of small explosions as bits of the angel (dubbed Bloanawltuhel) lived up to his namesake and spread pieces of it's carcass all across the city. "Stand down from condition red. Mobilize the recovery and repair teams. Good job pilots, another day, another angel." For Misato and the remainder of the staff at NERV, it was just another typical save-the-world day. Over the comm channels, chatter could be heard among the pilots. "Did you see that head shot? I am just soooooo good. What do you think of that 'Great and Glorious Shinji'?" commented the pilot of EVA-02. "I'm sorry." Said Shinji "What are you apologizing for you doorknob!" "I don't know. I think I have to apologize for something, but I'm not sure what." "Grow a spine you half-wit" "I'm sorry." Shinji again. "Stop that!" "I'm sorry!" "Alright! Both of you! Cut it out!". Turning to the commander, Misato posed a question, "Sir are you sure we couldn't just shoot them all? Come on, this is the 30th angel we've fought. I thought there was only supposed to be 17?" "No Ms. Katsuragi, we still require the services of the children." replied the commander, staring cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching. " The administration would frown on you removing the primary actors. We've got merchandising rights to consider. And sequels, Neon Genesis Voyager is due to premier this fall. We have to milk this cash cow for all she's worth, especially since the budgets's been cut again." "Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked background. " Does that mean we're going to have to use cheap animation techniques and re-use stock footage." "Yes Ms. Katsuragi. I'm afraid so." replied the commander, staring cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching. "Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked background. "That's horrible. I tell you commander, we're about at the end of our tether. I heard rumours,..." walking up and whispers to him. "I've heard that some of the staff are considering getting positions at Animeigo." "No Ms. Katsuragi, I'm afraid not. Their efforts are in vain. We are all property of Gainax. They cannot leave. We won't let them." replied the commander, staring cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching. "Recall the Evangelions and their pilots and begin repairs to the city I'm going to see my hairdresser." "No your not, you're going to consult the Dead Sea Scrolls so you can figure out what's going to happen to us next." Shocked at the blatant revelation of one of his most guarded secrets he adamantly protested, "No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I've booked an appointment with Renaldo for 3 weeks and he's finally made time for me today." "But wasn't his shop destroyed in this angel attack?" Stumped, Ikari got desperate, "Look over there, the 31st angel! It looks just like Jerry Springer", and quickly ducks out. While the NERV crew indulged their commanders lame attempt at a distraction, and Asuka continued to be angry at Shinji for apologizing (for which he apologized), the all seeing eyes of Rei Ayanami in EVA-00 looked out onto the city seeing all that transpired; including the group of historically inaccurate warriors huddled in the remains of a building. ----------------------------- Back with our original cast ----------------------------- "nnng. nnNnng." Lina Inverse painfully pulled herself up into a sitting position, and favoured Amelia with a baleful glare. The younger sorceress, just now waking up, was dangling by one boot-top from an outcropping of rubble. After making sure her jaw still worked, Lina addressed her. "You realize this is all your fault." "Wow. That was incredible. I've NEVER wielded such magic before, and I righteously saved us all from certain death! I'm having the best day of my life!" So saying, Amelia fell out of her boot and knocked herself unconscious on the ground. "Well," Naga said, dusting off her dress. "At least we're alive, no thanks to the red-headed psycho.." She paused to take a good look around. She froze. "Naga?" Gaurry waved a hand in front of her face. "Hey Lina. Something's wrong with Naga." Stuttering, Naga gaped, "B-b-b-b-big. IT's just so,..... big." Gaurry was mistakenly impressed. Then he turned around and realized what was drawing Naga's attention. "GIANT!" Standing less than 500m away (for you Yanks, it's not very far), Eva-00 was slowly sinking into the ground through one of the NERV access ports staring at them with its one lifeless eye. Wiser members of the party, ie. Lina, were ducking for cover. Everyone else was either to stunned to move or already unconscious. This was wise as at this time the city chose to rise up like so many daisies on steroids. Amelia who had regained consciousness, wondered if she was hallucinating Lina shook her head dazedly, "I don't think we're in Saillune anymore." The Slayers cast looked on as the city surfaced. All that could be heard in the background, aside from the whirring of the motors that were raising the strange tall buildings, was the yapping of a small beige dog over the remanets of a corpse buried under the rubble of a building. All that could be seen of the cadaver was a pair of striped socks. "Kakkoi!" said the youngest sorceress, squealing in delight. "A city. Rising from the darkness of devastation into the glory of the shining light of heaven. This is SO COOL!" Lina (whispering to Naga), "Don't look at me. She's your sister." Naga (whispering back), "Stop reminding me." Gaurry, posed theatrically, spotlight centered on him atop a pile of caved-in ceiling. Amongst the detritus were arms and legs and half-covered torsos in lingerie. "OH the humanity." he orated with all the subtlety of back bacon (or a certain toupee topped captain). "Look at the devastation our spell hath wrought. So many poor defenceless nubile women stripped,... of their humanity (he hastened to add). So much blood shed needlessly... Hey, where is the blood?" *at this point, Malehelicon, Muse of bad Fanfics glides in and gives Gaurry a Silver Mally for most pointless soliloquy* A small pebble bounced off of the swordsman's head. Lina gave him a stern look. "They're just statues, moron." Amelia stood one of the mannequins up. "Why would you put clothes on a statue?" Naga put on a superior expression and dismissed such silly questions with a wave. "Obviously this was some sort of market, and the statues were modelling the wares available. These garments must be the standard local fashions." Naga the Serpent chuckled to herself. "Though if these statues are to represent the average woman of this place, Lina is even farther below average thaAIIIEEEE!" Lina shook sparks off of her fingers as Naga landed in a strange, odd-smelling booth labelled `Starbucks'. "You two cut that out." Gaurry admonished. "That's what got us into this mess in the first place." "Now just wait a minute! It was Amelia's spell that-" Lina began to object, but was cut off by the sound of an approaching vehicle. She and Gaurry quickly ducked for cover. Amelia, oblivious to everything, continued to explore the wreckage for `typical clothing' to try on. "Say guys, I'm going to try some of this stuff on, okay." Amelia stated as she ducked into a secluded corner. "Call me if you need anything." Lina nodded without really paying attention and continued to watch the vehicle approach. The truck pulled up across the street from them, and disgorged a dozen uniformed workers. One worker set up barricades. The others leaned on shovels and had lunch. "How did that thing move without horses to pull it?" Gaurry scratched his head. "It's obviously a magically powered vehicle of some kind. Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?" Lina grabbed his shirt front and whispered forcefully at him. As the two continued to observe, activity returned to the city's streets. People of all ages and descriptions began bustling around about their business. A group of uniformed young people about Lina's age sauntered, chatting amongst themselves, past the work crew. The girls among them received cat-calls and wolf-whistles. "One again, Gold-fish-faeces was wrong (thank the gods).", as Lina imagines herself walking around in one of Those Outfits. As if on cue, "So? Do I look cute or what?". *announcers voice* 'Amelia is modelling one of our finest models from the fall line of Victoria's Secret. What's her secret? Well, whatever it is, she's not hiding it on her person. Please note the amount of exposed cleavage and the G-string panties. Gaurry noted both.... and.... bleeding lightly from the nose..... mumbled about the cruelty of nature. Lina was very shocked to note how GOOD Amelia looked in the lacy pink nothing. Ok. Time for a dose of reality (and revenge). Beckoning to the model Lina grinned, "Amelia. I hate to break this to you but,.... look here." After receiving a good dose of what the populous is sporting in terms of current fashion (and after turning redder than the outfit she was wearing) Amelia gave off a strangled squeal and dashed off to the shadows. "My my, Lina. We are being cruel today." Naga said, brushing the Mocha-mocha-frappachino out of her hair. "Well now that we know what they're wearing here, let us disguise ourselves in the native's garb. Lina, there's a store with little girl's clothes overAaaaaaieeee!!" Eventually, the dust cleared and the intrepid band of misfits wandered out onto the streets dressed, passably well in standard school uniforms (though Gaurry's was a bit small and Naga's was a bit tight). Probably the only flaw to the entire ensemble was that they were carrying their swords openly. "Now what do we do?" ------------------------------ Meanwhile at NERV HQ ------------------------------ "SHINJIII! Are you peeking!?" Asuka's voice shook the walls in the change room. "No, Asuka." Shinji replied glumly, focussing more closely on his task. "Well why the hell not?" With a start, Shinji snapped awake from his daydream. He rubbed the sore side of his face where Asuka had just slapped him for supposed peeking. "You WERE peeking, weren't you?" Asuka, wrapped in a towel, stood astride Shinji's prone form. "No no, I swear! I just wanted to know when you and Rei were going to be finished in there!" The third child clapped his hands over his eyes. Asuka, realizing why he just covered his eyes, fumed again, and began kicking him. "You little pervert! Taking advantage of a sweet, helpless young woman!" She indignantly kicked him one more time for good measure, and stomped over to the girl's side of the locker room. Shinji tentatively peeked out from between his fingers, only to spot Rei coming out of the shower, naked as the day she was, uh, `born'. The blue-haired girl just looked at him for a long moment, and walked away silently. Shinji groaned and pulled himself off the floor and headed for the shower. "I hate my life." ------------------------------ In a mysterious, darkened room... ------------------------------ "...so you see, ever since the twenty-seventh Angel attack, sales of Eva breakfast cereal are up forty-two percent." A nondescript young man in a very cheap suit pointed at an illuminated graphic of a mountain range. He stood in a blackened room before a group of the world's most powerful men. Men who were only illuminated by coloured spotlights shining from their desks. One man smiled over his steepled fingers. "Eeexcellent. Sadly, you now know so much you are a risk to us, and so must be eliminated. Smithers, remove him." Smithers, not important enough to merit a desk and colour of his own (if he'd acquired one, he'd probably demand pink and that colour was already taken) used his pocket pen-light to illuminate his face. "Yes Mr. Burns." A small square hole opened up beneath the young executive, dropping him, screaming, out of sight. Back to Burns, "Now, Commander Ikari, what have you to report from the scriptwriters revisions of the dead sea scrolls." "Well," he replied, "Due to our continual budget cutbacks, we've had to downgrade our staff from 20 professional writers to 2 hacks who've written bad fanfics over the web." "Do they work cheap?" "They work for peanuts. Also, ramen and doughnuts. Beer helps." "Excellent." "You know, Burnsie" comments one of the other, "you say 'excellent' a whole lot." Another one comments, "You talk to much! No EVA for you! YOU get out!" "And what do you have to say Mr. Hat?" "You DIE! You DIE and you go to HELL!" "Have you been drinking again MR Garrison?" "Who's talking at the moment?" "I've lost track." "Well, I guess we should go to a different scene, Then." ------------------------------ Well, that was a waste of time... ------------------------------ "THIS IS SO COOL!!" Amelia couldn't contain herself amongst the wonders of this strange world. Dashing from shop window to shop window like a spastic pinball on speed, she was erupting with high-pitched glee. Lina and the others were attempting to stop their stomachs from erupting while watching her. "MUST you do that?" Naga scolded, hands on hips. She stopped quickly after noticing this put undue stress on her already over-tight blouse. The four companions had been wandering around the strange city for hours and had made their way to another, less-destroyed marketplace. They had found the locals called these places `mauls', and the press of the crowds suggested why. Despite their native garb, they still seemed to attract undue attention. All were at a loss to explain why. "Why is everyone staring at us?" Gaurry asked, brandishing his sword at a woman poised to rush past him into a place called `Versace of Tokyo-3'. "Umm." Lina, who had been wearing a worried expression for several minutes, tugged on Amelia's sleeve. "Have you noticed that nobody around here but the city guards is carrying weapons openly?" Amelia looked at Lina, Then looked at Gaurry. Her eyes grew wide. "Uh-oh." "DELINQUENTS!!!" (yes, it is her) Naga was the first to turn to the strange young voice, but didn't see anyone looking at them. "Down here, you naughty, naughty person!" The voice was effervescent and... cute (if not overly annoying). Naga looked down, and the other three came over to see what the commotion was. Standing in front of them was a cute, brown-haired girl. She couldn't have been more than 8 years old, and she was wearing a light yellow dress with a white sash. The sash read `Truancy Officer'. "Who the heck are you, little girl?" Lina asked with some degree of arrogance, confidence buoyed by her `physical advantage' over the pre-pubescent girl. Puffing herself up as much as possible, the young child said, "I am Miss Hinako, truancy officer of Tokyo-3. And YOU are skipping school, delinquent!" "But we're not studenmphplrmph.....!" Naga silenced Gaurry with her hand over his mouth. "That's right. That's right. We're students. Yup. Just your everyday, plain, old, average , run-of-the-mill students." "Hrmph. I knew it. Students playing hooky. Just because your city gets periodically destroyed, you think that that's an excuse for missing a school day. Well, you are sorely mistaken, young lady." Maniacal laughter rang around the mall as Naga expressed her deep amusement at this idea, "ME? Young? Well look who's talking. You're not even ready for your first training bra yet. Even Lina's tiny pea pods are years ahead of....." "NAGA!" Lina, fists clenched, stomped towards Naga. Gaurry, in an aside to Amelia, "I hope you have another one of Those 'teleports' ready." "You ARE delinquents! I knew it." Aiming a small coin at Lina, Hinako yelled, "Happo-5-yen-satsu!" At the utterance of these words, a glowing yellow light was sucked from Lina's body through the 5 yen piece and into the rapidly maturing Hinako. Lina, looking wan and drained, crumpled to a heap on the ground, a look of shock and disbelief on her face. "Her- Her breasts are so big now! How is that possible!?" Naga, fearing for her own safety, manages to bite back a snappy comment. Gaurry, not quite as wisely, approaches the now-adult Hinako. "Are Those real?" WHOP. Hinako casually tossed aside the now-shattered wooden mallet. "Now that you delinquents have been disciplined, it's time for you to go to school." Grabbing the helpless Lina and unconscious Gaurry by their collars, she dragged them away. Naga and Amelia had no choice but to follow them. As they disappear in the distance, two voices drifted back. "Teach me how to do that." "No." "PLEEEASE?" "No." "I'll teach you the Dragon Slave in return." "No." ------------------------------ Well, that was a waste of time... ------------------------------ A spectacled, mousey-haired boy lounged at his desk, half-heartedly playing with a scale-model Tank. "So, Toji, did you here we're getting four new students today?" "Again? Geez, Kensuke, that seems like a fruitless inclusion of new characters into a dying series in hopes of boosting ratings. Didn't anyone learn anything from The Cosby Show?" The larger boy ran a hand disgustedly through his crew-cut. Shinji looked up from his desk. "You're just upset that you haven't been featured in any episodes since that bad Nike promo in the fourth season." [Flashback to Eva-03 dashing over mountains and through valleys, finally skidding to a halt just in front of Tokyo-3. The camera freezes, showing 03 wearing Tractor-trailer sized Air Jordans. Voice over: Just do it. Camera resumes, showing swoosh-shaped AT field.] Shinji shudders. Toji, desiring to balance his shot ego by deflating Shinji's (hrmph, now that'll be hard) snaps back, "OH yeah? What about your Mountain Dew stint." [Flashback to Eva-01 falling out of the Eva sky-carrier with a bungee cord and a tanker of Mountain dew clenched in it's hand (random yelling, screaming and cheering in the background).] Shinji, frowning retorted. "Yeah, well. At least our spots were better than Asuka's." "SHINJI! DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT SPOT AGAIN!" Could sweet, innocent Asuka have been eavesdropping on the conversation? [Flashback to Asuka in an entry plug, looking solemnly at the camera. "Sometimes, my entry plug just feels,.... you know,.... not so fresh. That's why I use...."] "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Shinji desperately tried to loose himself from Asuka's stranglehold. "Stop apologizing or I'll remind you of Rei's Microsoft add!" "Ok. Enough you two, Sensei's coming back with the new students." The class quieted down to hear the first of the 4 new students introduce themselves. "Hello. My name is Gaurry Gabriev." _______________ Fin _______________ From: "Gaunt" We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!! You thought you could stop us, but under severe fan demand for the MSTed version or our regular edition (and threat of being Dragon Slaved if we didn't) we have produced CH 2 of CRUEL LINA'S THESIS. If you wish to view a MSTed version of our fic, check out Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings. We'd also like to thank Elmer Studio's for MSTing the original version of our fic. In fact, finding out that our riffers were 'Rifters', we're planning to include a special 'treat' in a later chapter. (Mua-HA-hahaHAhahaha!!). So, if they THINK they can handle us again,... they know where to find us :) A big THANK YOU goes out to our fans (and you know who you are), for actual constructive criticism, which is a commodity rarer than gold (or Molybdenum, for that matter). Now that the summer is here, we have more time on our hands; and you know how dangerous that is. Future chapters should come out more frequently (sorry for the delay on this one). One note in regards to this chapter. Viewers may find this episode a little "EVA Heavy". This is a necessity. Aside from setting up the Slayers in the NGE universe, our first chapter was more Slayers heavy: so in the end, it balances out. Future chapters will be more equal. Thanks to Andrew Huang for introducing us to the infamous Mr. Pibb, chemical byproduct of Coca Cola. Andrew, this Pibb's for you. And now on with our story. You have been warned. * A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover * * * * Cruel Lina's Thesis * * * * Part 2: The Fit hits the Shan * ------------------- Gendo's Office ------------------- "It is time, Captain Katsuragi." Gendo Ikari stared over his fingers at NERV's Tactical Commander. "What? Commander, are you serious? The risks..." Misato's apprehension was tangible. "I am well acquainted with the risks. Nevertheless, it is an event that must occur. I expect you to carry out your duties with all due professionalism. Am I being clear?" "Crystal." The purple-haired woman turned on her heel and strode towards the door with a file in her hands. At the threshold, she turned. "I hope you know what you're doing, Commander." Then she left. Staring at the now-closed door, Gendo sighed. "So do I, Miss Katsuragi, so do I." -------------------------------------- The Children's Classroom -------------------------------------- "Hello, my name is Gaurry Gabriev." Asuka leaned over to whisper to Hikari. "Who are these clowns? A midget, a clod, a flat-chested twit..." Hikari nodded and giggled along with the descriptions. "... and Toji's wet dream." Hikari choked in mid-giggle and flinched so hard in mid-nod she nearly fell out of her chair. Unfortunately, it was hard to dispute the evidence, as Toji's, Kensuke's and Shinji's jaws had all hit the floor with a resounding smack. In fact, all the males in the class were in a similar state. Those of them who were still conscious, anyway. The girls in the class, save Asuka, Rei and Hikari, were similarly agog over the tall, muscular blonde who had just introduced himself. What was he doing here? (Not, mind you, that they were complaining) He looked old enough to be in college. "Ano..." Gaurry scratched his head. "Where should I sit?" "HERE!" fifteen shrill teenaged girl voices screamed at once. The class erupted into cacophony. "Whaddaya mean, 'here'? He's sitting beside ME!" "You? Why would he want to sit beside a smelly skank like you?" "Yeah, naturally he will want to be near my natural grace and charm!" "You shameless hussy!" "Bitch!" "Cow!" Asuka's head sank to her desk in dismay. She kept telling herself she was part of the superior sex, but it was getting harder to believe by the minute. The teacher rubbed his mouth thoughtfully. "Hmm. I think there's a spare seat beside Miss Langley-Soryuu." Silence fell and fifteen pairs of hate-filled eyes fixed on Asuka. In a flurry of motion, Asuka seized the neighbouring desk and hurled it out the window. "No there isn't!" The teacher blinked slowly. "Oh." He blinked again. "Miss Langley-Soryuu, would you please get a spare desk for Mr. Gabriev from the store room?" Asuka, dejected, wandered out of the class cursing the teachers ancestry and leveling a look at Gaurry that would curdle water. Another new student wrote her name on the board, and turned to speak to the class. "My name is Gracia Wil Edison Saillune. However, you will refer to me as The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the White Serpent. Oh-ho-ho-ho-hohohohohohohohoho!" The spine-chilling laughter echoed throughout the school. Luckily, only the students in the classroom were transfixed with horror. Everyone else escaped. Lina slapped a hand to her forehead, muttering. "They weren't supposed to know we're sorceresses, mammary-brain." "And where will The Dread Black Sorceress Naga the White Serpent sit?" The teacher mused. All the boys looked at each other, then threw all the spare desks in the room out the window. Kensuke leered at Naga, and spoke what all were thinking. "Well, I guess you'll just have to sit in my lap. Heh heh heh." The corner of Naga's mouth twitched. "DIEM WING!" A blast of wind arose from nowhere and hurled Kensuke after the much-abused desks. It also slightly ruffled Rei's hair. She didn't notice. "Thank you for removing all doubt, Naga. They couldn't possibly figure out we're not from their world NOW!" Lina ranted at 'her most fearsome rival'. The teacher surveyed the damage, and sighed. "I guess we should break for lunch now." ------------------- Outside ------------------- Kensuke's spiral ended in a pile of splintered wood, which broke his fall if nothing else. As he struggled groggily to his feet, two MIBs burst out of the kindling beside him. "Kensuke Aida?" "Uh. Yeah?" Kensuke pulled his glasses of his chin and put them where they could do some good. "We were sent to deliver this to you." The left MIB pulled out a manila envelope. "Um. Were you guys waiting for me under that pile of rubble?" "I assure you, it wasn't here when we arrived." Right MIB adjusted his tie, pulling a splinter out of it. "Soo.... You knew I'd be here?" "Yes." Left MIB spoke. "How?" Kensuke stood, and took the offered envelope. "That's what we're paid to do, sir." The two MIBs turned and began to walk away. "WAIT!" Kensuke challenged. "If you guys know everything, you know what my next question is going to be!" Left MIB nodded. "Pink with little blue bears." Then they were gone. "Wow." Kensuke cast a look back to the classroom and the girls therein. "Those guys are good." ----------------------------- Lunch on the sports field ----------------------------- Hikari walked towards the new students, leading a small entourage. "Tell me again why I have to come along?" Toji grumped. "Because you're my boyfriend." Hikari explained. Toji, having no good answer for that, shut up. "So then why do _I_ have to come along?" Asuka whined. "Because we should show these new students that not all the girls in class are insane." Hikari sped up a bit, hoping to get it over with before anyone else asked. No such luck. "Um..." Shinji began. Asuka glared at him. "Because if you don't I'll kill you." Shinji plastered on a fake grin and strode along with totally transparent enthusiasm. Everyone looked at Rei expectantly. "What?" Rei commented without inflection. Standing around two drink machines were the new students. They appeared to be trying to figure out what the devices were, or at least how they worked. Lina and company looked hungry and thirsty. Hikari strode up to Lina, as she appeared the most sensible. "Hello, my name is Hikari Horaki. I'm the class president, and I'm pleased to meet you. These are my friends Toji, Shinji and Asuka... oh, and that's Rei. How are you?" "Um. Um. Yeah. Hi. I'm Lina, this is Amelia..." "Hi hi!" Amelia beamed, hopping up to see over Lina's shoulder, and waving. Lina continued: "...and Gaurry. And you've already met Naga, the Great White Hype." "SERPENT!" "...Snake in the grass." Lina muttered under her breath. Hikari blinked, recovered her bearings, and forged ahead. "Well. Welcome. I hope we can be friends. We don't often get new students here, what with the frequent catastrophes and everything." Lina started at that comment. "Oh yeah. Speaking of which, what the heck is with those weird giants we saw sinking into the" Lina's stomach took that moment to make its needs known. "A-heh. Sorry about that. It's uh, been a while since breakfast, and we can't seem to get these contraptions to give us any food." Lina pointed at the vending machines. With a flicker of motion, Shinji's vendor card was in Asuka's hand. Shinji blinked. "Hey, th-" Shinji's complaint was cut off by a threatening look from the violent red head. (No, Asuka) "If you don't have lunches, we'll be happy to get you something for today." Asuka offered, generously (with Shinji's card). "These machines only offer drinks, though. That one," she said, pointing to the left "dispenses juice and cold coffee. This one," pointing and frowning at the right one. "offers 'Mr. Pibb'." Everyone (except the Slayers cast) shuddered. Even Rei. Hikari smiled. "Don't worry, though. You can have part of our lunches." She failed to notice Toji making wild, 'no, denied, nein, never' motions with his arms. "Well, gee. That's awful nic- LINA SAVE SOME FOR ME!" Gaurry cut off his thanks to try and interpose himself between the sorceress and Hikari's rapidly emptying bento. She held him off with occasional jabs and pinches from the chopsticks. Taking Shinji's vendor card from a stupefied Asuka, Naga walked up to Toji, and ran the card seductively up and down his chest and cheek. "I would REALLY like to know how to use this to get a REAL drink, Toji-Kun. Can you help me?" As Toji stammered and twitched, Hikari became livid with rage. Abandoning her bento to the vultures, she stomped over to 'remind' her would-be boyfriend of his place in the world. Amelia, abashed at the behavior of her companions, came forward and bowed before Shinji and Rei. "I'm so sorry. They're not usually like this. Okay, they are, but that's still no excuse. Anyway, I'm deeply sorry and apologize profusely. It's terrible that we've even stunned your friend here speechless." Shinji, confused, looked around to try and figure out who Amelia was talking about. "What, Rei? Oh, no, she's always like that." Amelia's brow furrowed. "What?" She turned to Rei. "Is this true?" "Yes." replied the First Child. Meanwhile, Shinji's mind was locking up. "She apologized to me. To me. I was apologized to. To me she apologized. She apologized to..." "You don't feel happy or excited or perky or anything?" Amelia asked, shocked. "No." Rei replied Amelia stared at her with disbelief plain on her face. "Why in the name of righteousness not?!" Rei shrugged, not feeling any other response was necessary. Inside Amelia's mind, gears were turning. "How, how sad. Yes, sad and... and UNJUST. How terrible that this girl must suffer through a life devoid of fun and... and ZEST FOR LIFE! I must, nay, WILL make it my personal quest to bring Joy into the life of this poor, maligned young woman! This I swear!" "What do you swear?" Rei asked. Amelia blinked, and realized she'd said at least part of that out loud. "Umm... it doesn't matter. A-heh." Amelia dashed off to see what ANYONE ELSE was up to. Toji, mind fogged with hormones, reached out randomly with the vendor card. As Toji was getting pounded for almost using Asuka's cleavage as a scanning slot, Shinji deftly switched his card for Asuka's, and mouthed a silent prayer to anyone who'd listen that she never found out. (Ia ia, Cthulu!) After making sure Asuka wasn't around, Toji tried again. Sadly, he didn't watch what he was doing this time, either. Zip, click, thud. "Oh MAN, I just bought a Pibb!" Naga picked up the can and looked at it. "Hm? What's wrong with this?" Toji jammed his hands in his pockets and looked annoyed. "Aww, we gotta have those machines around because 'Mr. Pibb' is the official beverage-like product of the Human Instrumentality Project, but nobody can actually stand to drink the stuff." Curious, Naga opened the can and took a sniff. Smelled... odd. She tried a sip. Naga was no longer curious. She was also no longer hungry; as to being conscious, that was in dispute. "Gyaah! Who in their right mind would even call this a drink?!" Naga pushed the can into the first available hands. Gaurry stared at it. Then he tried it. He blinked. Then, shrugging, he polished it off. Everyone stared at him. Even Rei (of course, that comprised her normal facial expression, so no one noticed.) "I don't believe it." Hikari marveled. "How can you drink that stuff?" "It wasn't that bad." Gaurry mused. "Actually, it was kind of..." "ALRIGHT, WOO-HOO!!!!" Boomed a voice, vaguely recognizable as Kensuke's, from the other side of the school. Such was the volume that bits of broken desk tumbled in their direction. The bits were closely followed by Kensuke himself, grinning wide enough to split his face and leaping in great joy-filled bounds. He skidded to a halt in front of the group. His glasses had fogged over, revealing nothing and only reflecting their stunned faces. A blue glow began to form around his body. A yellow sheet of paper was clenched in one sweaty little hand; a NERV I.D. card clutched in the other. "THEY CALLED ME UP! THEY'RE GIVING ME MECHA!!! BWA-HA-HA-AAAA-HAAAA!!!!!" Asuka, Rei, Shinji and Toji stumbled backwards in sheer terror, aghast at this terrible, terrible news. Lina and company didn't know the details, but could instinctively tell this was a BAD THING; the laugh that out- intimidated Naga was a good clue. -------------------------------------- Back at the Bat Cave -------------------------------------- Many have wondered at the boundless eternity that exists beyond our atmosphere. Few have had the privilege to slip outside of the envelope to witness the true majesty of it all. Yet, for some, the worlds beyond these realms have always been accessible either through birth, or ability, or extreme plot contrivance. The council we now zoom in on contained a small smattering of columns A and B, and a whole lotta column C. They were seated at a large wooden table located deep within an antechamber somewhere beneath the surface of the moon. Only two sources of light existed in the room: a lamp upon the desk at which the council sat and a doorway which only parted to accept the next Angel candidate. Great Cthulu spoke aloud to the darkness. "Now serving angel 31.". The door opened. Silhouetted in it's frame floated a multi-tentacled monstrosity which could simply fall under the description of a large purple prune with an eye at the end of each writhing appendage. "I'm sorry son, but the Overfiend auditions are next door." Cthu added. The beast hovered towards the desk. "Really?!... I mean, NO. I seek to destroy humanity by reuniting with Adam, er Lilith,.... aw whoever they have pinned to that cross in the Geofront.". "Jesus..." Cthu sighed in dismay. "No. Not him. He's not my siz...." "Never mind!", barked Cthulu. The great demon turned to one of the other beings seated at the desk. "Sachiel, take this fool's name." "Sachiel? Weren't you destroyed in the first two episodes?" muttered the applicant entity. "No." he replied while pulling out an angel-sized clipboard and a pencil that must have previously been a redwood. "That was my stunt double. Name?" "I, am Prince." "Nani?" Cthulu looked at Sachiel to confirm that he had heard what he thought he'd just heard. His inquiry was substantiated by the large sweat drop (good enough to fill a couple of swimming pools) on the angel's head. "No. That will never do. You must have a new name." "May I be known as the Angel formerly know as P..." "NO!... pah these non-union angels are useless. Professor Frink, where are you? Professor?....." Cthulu turned to see the esteemed scientist fiddling with the dials and punch cards on his Frinkotron 4000 computer muttering, "Damn these slow download times. Why that half-wit thought that 640K was enough *grm* I'd show him a *whoosh* and a *pow* with the wah-hey, wah-ho, wah". "FRINK!" yelled Cthulu. "Wha? Oh. Yes great Cthulu?" "Consult your thinking machine to determine a name for this next angel. Choose a name that will inspire fear into the hearts of the mortals below. A name for which the stars will favour his destiny. Most importantly, a name ending in -el- ." "Why yes mighty one. I'll just feed the vital stats into the computer. Then I re-adjust the interocitor to..." and off rambling he went as the larger beings turned back to the business at hand. Sachiel explained to the new recruit, "You see, due to budget cutbacks, we really have to determine if you have what it takes to be an angel." The Frinkotron 4000 began to smoke. "Now tell me, what special quality do YOU think YOU can bring to the brotherhood of angels..." "Well," replied the applicant, "I work cheap." Sachiel and Cthulu exchanged sad looks. This is what the mighty angel empire had been reduced to. "You're hired." The Frinkotron 4000 was alight with flames. "Frink. What is the name that your computer produced for our lovely contestant?" The Professor was madly scrambling to pull the punch card out of the rapidly combusting computer. With a firm *yank* he freed a piece of the card before the entire machine was reduced to ash. "FRINK!" Quickly glaring at the slip in front of him, he was flabbergasted to find that the ink on the card was horribly smudged. The only information that was legible included: likes taking long walks on the beach, turn ons include Barry White music and fireplaces.. "Oh, WHAT the HELL is going on here?" Frink screeched in dismay. "So be it." declared Cthulu. "From this day forth you shall be known as Ahuatdahell." The only entity in this room who was NOT sweatdropping at that moment was Cthulu. ------------------------------------------------------------------- We now return to our regularly scheduled crossover. ------------------------------------------------------------------- "No... no, it can't be! Not YOU!" muttered Asuka. "Yup. Read it and WEEP supergirl." Dangling his pass card in front of her nose he firmly pronounced, "I, Kensuke Aida, am a licensed EVANGELION PILOT!" "..WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!..." Asuka fumed. "Yup. Now I get do all the cool things that you guys do: fire big weapons, train for sync ratios, pilot Eva's, be part of those intimate 'training sessions' that you, Shinji and Rei have in the locker room." said leering in the second child's direction. "Shin-JII!!!!", murder was in Asuka's eyes. Reflexively ducking behind Toji, Shinji readied another apology for Asuka, "I'm sor... Hey? Wait a sec. Aida! I never said anything like that to you." "I know. I just wanted to see if Asuka ever thought of something like that. From the way she's reacting I'd say she's considered it a couple of times." Everyone looked at Asuka who's face seemed to be running the gamut between rage and embarrassment over the possibility of the aforementioned sessions. Her expression eventually settled on an embarrassed, yet dumbfounded look. "Besides," Aida added, "I have to get used to it. Toji says that being an EVA jockey makes you an instant babe magnet. That's how you got Hikari, right Susahara?" It was now Toji's turn to come under scrutiny from Hikari; he was not faring particularly well underneath it. "Um,.... er,... yeah,... well...". "Well! IF MR. Susahara wishes to speak with me, I'll be having lunch elsewhere. Come on Asuka." Hikari turned to walk away, dragging the dumbfounded Asuka along side. After a few steps, she stopped and turned to the new students, bowing curtly. "It was a pleasure meeting you all. I hope you'll forgive me for having to leave so soon. I'll see you later in class." So now, a hyper active Kensuke, along with Shinji, Toji and Rei stood with the Slayers cast in an awkward moment of silence. Lina and friends were still baffled by the exchange that had taken place in front of them a moment ago. In an odd burst of extroversion, Shinji spoke. "Well, uh, I guess we should sit down and have lunch." With that, the group shuffled off to a nearby bench and began to pick at their lunches. After ravaging Hiraki's bento box, Lina began to probe Shinji and company with questions. "So, what's this E-van-gelion thing?" Shinji, "Oh, it's nothing." Kensuke, "Are you kidding?! Evangelion is the greatest invention of mankind! It's these really big robots with extension cords which run around and blow up evil Angels. I mean, jeez, where're you from that you hadn't heard of Eva's?" "Oh," Amelia began "you see, we're not really from around here. We were casting a transportation spell and it went wrong. We think we're actually not from this woGYAH!" Amelia's exposition was cut short by a flying elbow drop from Lina. "Um, ignore her. The last, uh, Angel attack traumatized her, and she's been making up fantasies to hide from the horror. Yeah..." Lina grinned in what she hoped was a convincing manner. However, since everyone who would have cared was distracted (Toji trying to mend bridges, Kensuke dreaming of blowing them up, and Hikari and Asuka elsewhere), Lina needn't have worried. The only event the outburst triggered was Gaurry taking the opportunity to finish the bento. This, of course, initiated World Food War III as Lina and Gaurry attempted to outflank each other for the last sausage octopus. Shinji, now totally fed up with his surroundings (again) put on his headphones and withdrew from the world. Rei attempted to eat her lunch in peace, but Amelia would have none of it. "So I hear your name is Rei that's a very nice name my name is Amelia I'm a princess and a champion of Justice I hear you use those giants to protect the city are they anything like Golems are you a champion of Justice too..." Rei continued to eat, thinking quietly to herself. "What is wrong with this person? Is this an Angel tactic? How exactly does she fit into the great plan? I will have to tell Commander Ikari about this. I wonder who does her hair?" ----------------- Back in class... ----------------- "...first year of the 21st century, a large meteor collided with Antarctica...melting the icecap and raising the sea level sixty meters..." Asuka pulled at her hair. "Doesn't he ever say ANYTHING else? We've been fighting angels for over forty episodes now and we haven't even SEEN a math textbook." Kensuke grinned. "Hey, at least this way even I can ace the tests." Naga leaned over to Lina, whispering. "He said it was after the 21st century. What century was it before we left?" Lina rubbed her temples, wishing the headache (and, hopefully, it's causes) would simply vanish. "It doesn't matter Naga. This isn't our world anyway, the calendars don't match at all." Rei watched the teacher expressionlessly, but her mind was elsewhere. Specifically, she was thinking about the hyperkinetic brunette sitting to her left, who had been trying to strike up a conversation with her since lunch. "She's been talking for an hour now. Non-stop. I don't even think she inhaled. What stamina." Shinji stared out the window, whispering to himself. "This seems so peaceful. Like an ordinary day, at an ordinary school, being attended by ordinary people. Yet, it feels ominous somehow. Nothing has happened for hours now. It's almost like we're... waiting for something." At that precise moment, klaxons began to blare all around the city. Kensuke shot out of his chair like a rocket. "Angel attack! Last one to headquarters has to clean out the entry plugs!" The gleeful new pilot shot out of the room in a blink. The other pilots stared after him, their mouths working silently. Finally, Toji spoke. "I've got a BAAAD feeling about this." As all five EVA pilots rushed to their posts, the rest of the class made for the shelters. Sadly, Lina et al having NO idea what was going on, stopped to use the restrooms and emerged to find no one around, and no guides to the shelters. "Well this is just great. Where is everybody?", a grouchy Lina stomped around, looking into empty classrooms. "If you hadn't taken so long, Naga, we might not have missed them." "Well I'm sorry, Lina." Naga spoke haughtily. "These uniforms take more getting out of than my normal clothes." "Only you would call those clothes normal." Lina muttered. Amelia blushed, reminded of her earlier assumptions about native 'normal clothes'. "So what do we do now?" Gaurry asked, closing Asuka's schoolbag (left behind in her haste), having failed to find either a Mr. Pibb or the card that makes the drink machine dispense them. What he did happen to find in their he made a brief inventory of for no reason: mirror with powder, pen, coins, small piece of cloth wrapped in cloth, katana, assault rifle, Jimmy Hoffa.... Amelia jumped up and down, "Why are you all rushing to the shelters? Didn't you hear? A horrible, evil, wicked monster is attacking the city! It is our duty as Defenders of Righteousness and Goodness to aid in the defense of these people! Chaaaarge!" *THWACK!* "Ow." After picking herself up off the ground, Amelia then OPENED the door, and charged out. Gaurry, shrugging at the hopelessness of it all, followed her. Having no better recourse, Lina and Naga followed. ------------------------------- NERV HQ, the Really Big Room ------------------------------- "It... it's... it's like a dream. It's so beautiful." Kensuke stared with reverential awe, hands clasped and rivers of tears streaming down his cheeks, at Eva-05. Styled like Unit 00, it was painted brown and khaki; almost a camouflage pattern. "Um. Yeah. But what's with tha colours?" Toji scratched his head. "I mean, a camo Eva? What, is it supposed to HIDE somewhere? Maybe a Redwood forest?" He snickered at his own humour; no one else did. At that moment, everyone shared a daydream of Eva-05, standing up to it's knees in a forest, holding a lone spruce in front of its face, as an oblivious Angel strode past. They shook their heads, trying to dislodge the inane image. Misato Katsuragi walked into the room. "Quit chattering, we're on a time limit. Toji, your Eva's repaired, but it hasn't been fully tested yet, so you'll be rear guard with Kensuke here. Watch him, uh, his back, as he's new at this." Misato turned to the most experienced pilots. "Asuka, you seem to be in a mood. Why don't you take point. Shinji and Rei can guard your flanks." Asuka sing-songed, "I get another ki-il, I get another ki-il." Shinji as an aside to Rei, spoke, "Do her violent tendencies ever worry you?" "Yes. Terribly.", Rei replied. The pilots suited up, not without some violence to prevent 'peeking', and boarded their respective machines. Kensuke rubbed the console in front of him lovingly. "It even has new-car smell." Toji stared at Kensuke through a vid window, "Know many new cars filled with blood?", Kensuke opted to ignore him. Rei opened a window to talk to Asuka, "Asuka? Do you ever feel, I don't know, not so-" "SHUT UP! We agreed never to mention that commercial again!", Asuka's face was as red as Unit-02. The boys snickered. Rei almost smiled. Almost. "Right, save that fire for the battle. Prepare for launch!", Misato commanded both the pilots and the support crew in the control center. Hyuuga, hurrying to comply, accidentally elbowed his Mr. Pibb, which spilled on the console. "Uh-oh." "Is there a problem Hyuuga?", Misato asked, still watching the pilots. "Uh, I just remembered I forgot to... uh... return a video to Barkbluster.", Hyuuga covered hastily. "Well worry about your own problems when the fate of mankind isn't in imminent danger. Launch Evas!" Hyuuga typed in the launch codes. *Spark.* *Fizz*. *Sizzle.* "Compliance." The Eva's rocketed up the launch elevators with their typical speed. Accuracy, however... "What th-! Commander!", Aoba scanned his readouts with disbelief. "Something has gone wrong with the launch system. The access port assignments have been scrambled. I don't know where they're going to come out!" "Damn! The Angels are one jump ahead of us again!", Misato smacked a fist into her palm. Hyuuga quietly stashed the spilled Mr. Pibb can under Aoba's console. --------------------- Outside, Tokyo-3 --------------------- Asuka popped up behind a support building, "Unit 02, ready." Rei came up behind an apartment complex, "Unit 00, ready. Commander, the city hasn't retracted properly." Misato switched camera views to see for herself. It was true. "What the heck? Maya, find out what the problem with the city is and FIX IT!" Maya began typing furiously, thinking to herself, "Wow, I never noticed before but Misato is kind of... cool when she takes charge." Toji and Kensuke's units surfaced simultaneously, next to each other. They began looking for weapon buildings. Toji was supplied with an assault rifle. Kensuke approached a structure the size of the Chrysler building. When the door opened, Unit 05 went weak in the knees. Kensuke's eyes shone. "Ack!", Misato yelled. "Kensuke's got the experimental heavy autocannon! Kensuke! You can't use that! It's supposed to be used by three Eva's acting in concert!" "Sure I can Commander, I have the strength of madness!" And true to his word, Eva-05 lifted the mighty piece of ordinance like a toy. The titan turned to face the camera (yes, he did), and posed. The sun glinted off the weapon. "All right people. Let's ROCK! MEGA CANNON ATTACK!" Kensuke opened up, loosing shell casings the size of Yugo's into the streets of the city beneath while laying waste to the landscape in front of him. Toji's Eva tapped Kensuke's on the shoulder. "Hey man? The Angel's thataway." Toji pointed behind Kensuke. "Right. I knew that." Misato hung her head, "What else could go wrong." "Hey, Misato?", Hyuuga tried to keep a quaver out of his voice. "What NOW Hyuuga." "You know... the restraints that hold the Eva's to the launch gantries?..." *FWING!* Unit-01 shot straight up into the air (the restraints no longer living up to their names) to the limits of its power cable. Then the EVA snapped to an abrupt halt, and fell to the pavement. "I hate my life.", Shinji moaned. "We've got a blue pattern coming up fast, Commander.", Aoba said, "It looks like we've run out of time." Gendo Ikari looked over his fingers with a steady gaze. He adjusted his glasses. "We can now officially classify this as the 31st Angel." He started rummaging in his pockets, "Hmm. Where's my white-out?" Then, in the control room monitors, the Angel cleared the horizon. Ahautdahell, the purple mass of writhing tentacles, had arrived. ----------------------- The Streets of Tokyo-3 ----------------------- Lina stared at the approaching monster, shielding her eyes with one hand, "Aah, Shabrandigo was scarier." "Ha. If this stupid beast thinks it can stand against the might of Naga the White Serpent, it is a great fool. Oh-hohoho-HO-hohohohooo!", Naga, confident of her superiority to a mere mountain-sized city-stomping monster, laughed derisively. Abruptly, she stopped. "Ano, has anyone seen my Justice- obsessed little sister?" Gaurry pointed at the tallest building they could see. "She ran in there." The young sorceress in question was dashing up countless flights of stairs, simultaneously changing from her school uniform to her white and pink sorceress costume. Finally, she burst out onto the roof, posed dramatically, and fainted out of sheer exhaustion. Then she stood up, and pointed an accusing finger at the approaching enemy of all mankind. "You, Oh darkest of demons, Oh foulest of all foul, nasty, evil, smelly, icky and possibly very ecchi..." At the control centre, Maya smiled happily, "I've got the building control online! Retracting city now!" "...I, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, champion of Justice, Righteousness, Love, Peace, Happy..." At this point, the rapidly descending building disappeared below street level, and huge blast doors closed over it. Lina, who had been watching the sinking sorceress, shook her head. "I've never seen her shut up so effectively before. Oh well, at least she's out of the way now. Come on guys, if we don't waste this thing, Amelia will never stop bugging us about it." The dragon frightener and enemy-of-all-who-live headed towards the battle, her trusty swordsman and sidekick in tow. And Naga. --------------------- Back with the Pilots --------------------- Rei and Asuka opened their respective weapons buildings, and armed themselves. It was not what they expected. "What the heck are you idiots trying to pull!?", Asuka waved the Eva-Scale Chakram in a threatening manner at the camera, and hence, the command staff. "The Marketing department recommended cross-promotion to increase our ratings. Rei has been similarly equipped.", remarked Gendo, enigmatically. Rei, facing the camera, holding aloft an Eva-sized transformation pen with an image of the Kabbalist Tree of Life on top, deadpanned: "You must be kidding." "Rei. You will do as ordered.", Gendo was implacable. "I am not your doll." Gendo, behind his back, nodded the head of a Rei voodoo doll. The albino blinked. "But I will do as you say. Why did I agree? Oh well." Asuka shook her head. "This is too stupid for me." She cast the Chakram (aka combat frisbee) aside, pulled out a progressive knife, and charged. Rei, not wanting to let Asuka fight alone (Shinji was TKO and the others were too far away), held the pen aloft, "Desperate Marketing Ploy Instrumentality Power!" Ribbons of blue, white (and pink) light circled Unit-00, lifting it into the air and forming a hugely oversized Sailor outfit, bedecked with pink ribbons, over top of the Eva's armor. Rei looked down at her machine with something resembling disgust. "I have sunk as low as I can go." At that moment, a battered looking Unit-02 went sailing over Rei's head. When she turned to look, she found Ahautdahell with an eye stalk snaking under her EVA's skirt. Rei frowned. "No more." Reaching for a progressive knife, she found a bow holding the compartment closed. With one motion, she ripped off the bow with the Eva's left hand, and drew the progressive knife with the right, smoothly de-stalking the angel's probing member. Gendo, Hyuuga, Aoba, Shinji, Kensuke, Toji and Gaurry all flinched in sympathy. Ahautdahell retreated to a safer distance. On the top of a non-retracted building, Lina, Gaurry and Naga surveyed the battle. "Ah, none of these people really knows how to fight a monster,", Lina muttered, rolling up her sleeves. "I think I'll show them how it's done." Lina began to chant, red and black energy spiraling around her. Naga, noticing this, rapidly levitated down to the street and began to pound on a set of blast doors that had swallowed a building moments before. "Let me in! Let me in! There's a maniac out here who's going to blow us all to ashes! Are you listening to me?!" Gaurry, drawing the Sword of Light, repositioned himself behind the red-haired spellcaster silently praying that she would not release the spell in his direction. --------------------- At NERV HQ --------------------- "Commander! I'm getting a strange new pattern. The Magi cannot handle the amount of data. We're loosing sensor feed across the board!", Aoba shouted. While he attempted to compensate for the feedback all camera views and audio reception broke up. "Get those systems up right away. Maya, Hyuuga, help him out!", Misato Katsuragi barked. With the command staff left in the lurch, she looked upward to the only source of information she had left; Gendo Ikari and Commander Fuyutsuki. As for those two, they were in an equally large amount of chaos. "This was NOT is the script, er... scrolls... ah... whatever. WHAT were they thinking!" --------------------- On the playing field.... --------------------- "....DRAGON SLAVE!" Wave after wave of dark power granted to Lina poured into the hapless Ahautdahell who failed to dodge the potent blast. The poor victim's last thoughts were, "Aw Nutbunnies... (and)SO THAT's how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar.", before being taken from this life in a cross shaped explosion All who could see what happened (the EVA pilots) were astounded. Toji, "What the heck was that?! Who blew up that angel?" Kensuke, "I don't know, I can't get a clear view. Rei's Eva is in the way and I've lost all input from the Geofront!" Turning to Kensuke and releasing the safety on his assault rifle, Toji muttered, "Then it's time to get up close, *ka-chack* and personal." That said, the not-so-dynamic duo moved into the battle zone. Toji began to slowly advance in front of Kensuke. The latter, however, valiantly charged forward with all the grace of a drunken alligator dancing with a hippo. "EVA LEAP!", bellowed Kensuke. The Law of Physics, feeling violated from the earlier, blatant defiance by magic, decided to reassert their authority over technology. EVA 05 LEAP with EVA CANNON not watching for EVA Extension Cord became EVA TRIP! Leaving Kensuke face first in a hillock and Toji with the job of extricating him before joining up with the others. Asuka, in the wake of destruction, spoke. "My.... my kill?" She zoomed her cameras in on Lina's rooftop, and spotted a very satisfied-looking Lina. "SHE STOLE MY KILL!". That said, Asuka charged Lina and Gaurry with progressive knife in hand. Oversized pointy death awaited our heroes as the blade tore a downward arc towards them. Death however was forestalled as Gaurry parried the knife with the Sword of Light. "Ah,... they ain't so tough Lina." *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* "Who ever trained this giant apparently couldn't teach it to fight its way out of a wet paper bag. Really..." *CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* "Sooo predictable technique. I mean," *PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG* *CLANG* *PARRY* "the villains of this world CAN'T be all that tough if THIS is what's protecting them." Asuka's ears were flaming at the commentary that the external mikes were feeding her. "This giant hasn't even figured out it could smash the building beneath us rather than fight me on the roof. The fall would probably kill us..." Grinning maniacally, Asuka did just that. The building went tumbling down; Gaurry and Lina, however did not. The laws of Physics lose again. "...that is, if you stopped that levitate spell you've been maintaining Lina. Well Mr. Red Giant," *CLANG* *PARRY* *CLANG*, "It was nice sparing with you, but we have to go now. Don't worry about the evil monster; no need to thank us. We'll send you the bill later. Have a nice day!" That said, Lina and Gaurry disappeared into the dust cloud beneath them which was born out of the shattered building's remains. "Scheibkophen!", swore Asuka, relaxing her aggressive posture. Toji and Kensuke skidded to a halt beside Asuka. The more heavily armed of the two yelling, "What happened? Where's the bad guy? Tell me what to shoot!?" Rather than responding, verbally, Asuka simply punched at him without turning around. Unfortunately, Toji's Eva was the closer of the two and he took the hit. In an effort to maintain his balance, he reached out and grabbed for anything that would stabilize him. That was Kensuke. That was a bad idea. Kensuke, now off balance himself, stumbled forward clumsily, accidentally thrusting his large multi-barreled weapon into Asuka's posterior. That was a ALSO bad idea. "BAKA YARO HENTAI!", screamed the Second Child. Once again brandishing the progressive knife in a fashion which alarmed the male pilots. Wisely, they decided to flee. "Get back here and take your punishment like men!" she cried as she pursued the targets of her intent. Between the retreating forms of the two male pilots the consensus was quickly reached that if they were to return to receive their punishment, they would not remain men for long. And what of our brave Shinji? The glorious First child was only now recovering consciousness. "Wha... what did I miss?" His Eva was helped to its feet by the fuku clad EVA 00. "Nothing.", replied the solemn First Child. "Rei?" "Yes?" "Did we defeat the Angel." (hesitation)"Yes." "Oh... ok." "Rei?" "Yes?" "Is Asuka trying to castrate Suzahara and Aida again?" (hesitation)"Yes." "Oh... ok." "Rei?" "Yes?" "Is your Eva wearing a sailor outfit?" (resigned) "...Yes." "Oh...." "Rei?" "Yes?" "I need a drink." "Me too." ------------------------------------------ Back in the pit with the support crew ------------------------------------------ The combined efforts of Dr. Akagi, Maya, the tech support guy from Microsquish and the under-appreciated university intern finally managed to bring the sensors back on line. "Someone see if they can get me a lock on that angel. Evangelion team, what is your status?." barked Misato as the screens and speakers flickered to life. "*CRACKLE* *CRACKLE*... your cables are cut you dweebs, it's only a matter of time before you run out of power and I ... OH! Misato-san! You're back." "What happened? Where's the angel?" "Oh... him. Well,...", with sudden booming confidence, "... once again the responsibility of saving the world has fallen into the lap of the Second Child. And, viewing audience, once again you have not been disappointed.", she bowed. Aoba, "No blue pattern detected Commander. The angel must be dead. " "What about that sensor overload we got from the area? What was that Asuka? Some new angel attack?" "What... that... oh yeah... the angel tried to do, um... some weird kind of energy thingy,... and er,... I killed it good.", she replied. There were skeptics among the listeners. "Rei.", Commander Ikari enquired, "did you see anything unusual during the battle?" Rei glanced down at her mecha, clad for all the world like some gigantic Transformer that had run afoul of an equally enormous Barbie collection. Comparatively speaking, she could answer the commander with a frank, "No." "Very well, recall the Evas, Captain Katsuragi. I'm going to get a perm and manicure." Gendo Ikari exited stage right. Misato, fed up with the whole mess told the crew to sink the Eva's and raise the city. She was going to go home and have a nice hot bath. And several drinks. She exited stage left. ----------------------------------------------------- And now, the long awaited shower scene ----------------------------------------------------- The girls went first. For some reason they always went first. Whether peeping was intentional or not, the possibility existed yet was rarely exploited. One would guess that the planners in an organization involved in saving humanity would see the fallacy of unisex showers. You'd be wrong. After the girls came the guys. They stripped and began to clean the LCL off of themselves. As always, there exists an amazing double standard. Men peeping on girls always get slugged. However, girls peeping on guys never get hit. This being so, Asuka wrapped in a towel stepped in on the three male pilots as they were lathering up. The bubbles contrived to maintain a PG rating on the fic. Shinji, Toji and Kensuke covered as best as they could under the circumstances; which wasn't very well. "Listen here you cretins, let's get one thing straight! We stick to MY story. You saw nothing!", that said, she turned and stalked out. As Asuka left, she passed Rei, who had seen everything (including what went on in the shower). The second child turned to stare challengingly at the first. Rei's flat gaze met the stare. "What?" ---------------------------------------------------- Where the streets are paved in rubble ----------------------------------------------------- Lina and Gaurry wandered around through the thinning dust cloud, looking for their friends. And Naga. "Naga! NAAGA! Hey you cackling maniac, the monster's gone now. You can come out!", Lina shouted over the sound of settling detritus. "Soo-EEE! Soo-EEE!", Gaurry cupped his hands around his mouth for better projection. "Gaurry, what the heck are you doing?" Gaurry shrugged, "It always worked on the farm." **SMAQUE!** Lina rubbed her knuckles where Gaurry's rock head had bruised them, and called out again, "Hey, 'Oh Great White Worm', are you going to sit on your over-padded butt all day?!" A weak voice escaped from between two jagged slabs of concrete, "S-s-s-er...pent. Uh." Lina turned to find a white hand waving limply. "*sigh* You're hopeless, you know that? Aah, If I don't dig her out, I'll never hear the end of it. Dil BRAND!" The rubble was hurled into the air, and a battered Naga fell at Lina's feet. But neither Lina nor Gaurry noticed that. Their eyes were focussed on the treasure trove that the blast had revealed: Gold, Franklin Mint and Merrrr...cantile goods! All were there, free for the taking. "You know,... Gaurry. We DID technically save the city from certain destruction. So..." His eyes reflected Lina's greed, ".... this would -technically- be our reward? Right?" "Like I told you in Chapter one, there's hope for you yet." *SNAP* Naga sat bolt upright, "Treasure? Taaaa-reashure? I landed on it first. Half of everything is mine!" As the slayers cast attempted to loot,... er,... recover their reward, the city once again rose towards the sky. Aside from the whine of the motors a certain familiar droning could be heard. "*MRPH* *MRPH* *MRPH* ....monstrating the power of my FIST OF JUSTICE upon your evil...countenance.. Hey, where'd everybody go?" Lina blinked up at Amelia, "Y'know, that's the farthest she's ever gotten through that speech." --------------------------------- --------------------------------- Well, that brings us, and you, to the end of another chapter. No applause please, just throw money. If you wish to contact us regarding this chapter or the previous one (or those not yet written (ooo, scary)), please send to laughlin@accessv.com or evansjt@interlog.com. As an aside, we're running a contest! We're at a loss as to what final, terrible Angel will attack our heroes in the gut-wrenching, terrifying climax. So if you have ideas and names, send 'em! We might even use them if they're ludicrous enough! Expect chapter 3 within the month (fingers crossed). Since this is being written in the summer, and our various responsibilities and draws on our time are lessened, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Knock on wood. From: "Gaunt" Well, this is part 3 in the can. As promised, now that the summer is here, work is progressing on a more regular basis. This chapter begins a couple of story threads we think you'll enjoy. The innuendo gets a bit thick here, but we're staying well on the safe side of lemon. Really. * A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover * * * * Cruel Lina's Thesis * * * * Part 3: Eat, Drink and Be Merry, for tomorrow... * (Insert legal "please do not sue us" stuff here) Any actual commentary with thought can be sent to : laughlin@accessv.com Or evansjt@interlog.com ------------------- the evening of ------------------- It is sunset of the day of the 31st angel attack. Misato and Kozo Fuyutsuki are seated in Gendo's office, (The one with the huge Kabbalist tree of life on the ceiling). "...then cleaned up Aoba's Mr. Pibb from the console and as far as we can tell Commander, that is the entirety of the events regarding this battle.", reported Cpt. Katsuragi. "And what about the strange energy pattern that we witnessed during the battle? The one that knocked out the sensors?" enquired Cmndr. Fuyutsuki. "Well," Misato commented casually, "you seem to know more about it than we do. We certainly can't trust any of the readings we've taken. All that Pibb frazzled up more things than we'd care to remember. Ristuko is still trying to debug Balthazar... that small amount of Pibb put it into sugar shock." "I have every confidence in Dr. Akagi to solve the problem at hand. Er,... what 'exactly' was Balthazar's problem due to the shock." "Um,.... Mine Sweeper sir." "Mine Sweeper?" "Yes.... It seems to be locked in a sequence where it's repeatedly playing games of Mine Sweeper that it can never win." "I see. We'll Commander Ikari will be glad for the thoroughness of your report. Will that be all Ms. Katsuragi?" "Actually there is one more thing Commander Fuyutsuki. The pilots have requested a get-together for themselves and some of their schoolmates. You know, a 'team-building experience'? Well I was wondering, since we don't really -pay- them anything, that we could send them out to a restaurant or something?" "Hrm,... Well we have had a pointless fight scene and a rather disappointing shower scene in the last chapter. I think some time off and some character development would be in order. I'm sure I can authorize Gainax to grant the funds and get Gendo to agree." "Agree to what Fuyutsuki?" The door to the office opened, casting beams of light from the hallway onto the couple talking. A silhouette vaguely recognizable as that of Gendo Ikari stood at the entrance. There was something .... different... about him. Something.... wrong. Gendo pranced up to his desk like a proud show pony. Misato and Fuyutsuki could only stare in horror. It was Gendo Ikari, but his hair was not its usual bird's nest. His hair was styled like Little Richard's. This... was not right. Misato quickly sought escape, "Oh,... ah,... Commander Fuyutsuki can brief you on all the details sir. I'm,... I just have to go and.... do... something... elsewhere.... Yes, elsewhere. Bye." She fled the scene through the open office door. Commander Ikari sighed, "And she didn't even mention my new perm.... I'll have to have words with Renaldo about this..." Fuyutsuki could only gape at the sight. -------------------------------- Experiments in human interaction -------------------------------- Asuka sighed, figuring that she'd probably have to explain this at least one more time; however, liking it was not mandatory. "So,...." Shinji tentatively began "Listen. We're going to be taking the new kids out for dinner. Okay?!" "Then why am I here?", Hikari enquired. Having gone home and changed her clothes after the angel attack, she was the only one there who was neither in school uniform nor completely privy to Asuka's master plan. *Sigh* "Because you're the class president and only the class president has the authority to pull off a stunt like this." "Ok. That's her. What about me?" asked Toji Hikari fielded that response, "You're here because you're my boyfriend!" She smiled playfully, clutching his arm, all past grievances forgotten. Kensuke mumbled to himself (barely loud enough for Hikari to hear), "I though he said he was here to see that White Serpent chick again?..." Hikari, scowling, tightened her grip on Toji's arm, all past grievances recalled. "Asuka, tell me why 'he' (nodding to Kensuke) is here again?" "Because Misato wouldn't agree to let us go unless it was 'a team building experience'", she replied mournfully. "So,... I'm coming because...." Shinji tentatively began, again. "It's a team building event, and God help us, you're part of the team. Besides that, IF YOU DON'T I'LL KILL YOU!!!" "Heh, heh.... Ok." That was explanation enough for Shinji. Consistency was the hallmark of his relationship with Asuka; most of the time. He turned to Rei to look for sympathy. Ayanami's only response was to look at him, shrug her shoulders and reply, "What?" ------------------ The stage of mages ------------------ It was a pleasant 2 story, semi-detached flat: fully furnished, a living/dining room, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen and 4 small cubbyholes which were what passed for bedrooms in Japan. The landlord had been more than happy to accept 3 bars of gold as a deposit and a couple of month's rent. The jeweller they had spoken to after the angel had been destroyed had provided them with what they considered a generous amount of yen (generous, considering that Lina et al had 5 more satchels of it lying around). After a brief jaunt to one of the nearby malls which had survived the assault of the latest angel, they had acquired a fair supply of provisions: 'modern' clothing, simple spell components (salt & chalk; eye of newt is kind of rare in Tokyo-3 and apothecaries don't just pop out of the ground here...exactly), and a large supply of food (which would last an Ethiopian family till the next millennium, but wouldn't survive the night between Gaurry and Lina). "Oi! Lina. What do you think?" Gaurry came out of his room wearing a plain white T shirt, denim jeans and carrying a red jacket over his shoulder. The Sword of Light hung at his side. "Not bad Gaurry, not bad at all. You look like a regular guy for a change." Said Lina, who was sporting a black Metallica T-shirt and a pair of khaki's "Why don't you just pick up the rest of the food and put it in the big, humming box with the freeze spell on it." "Sure thing." Gaurry turned away from Lina and bent over to pick up the remaining four bags (and taking a case of Mr. Pibb in hand). The jeans became very tight, focusing Lina's attention briefly. For that fleeting moment, Lina indulged in a daydream; but only momentarily. Musing she thought, "Over here, he's just a regular guy and I'm a just a regular girl. But I'm not a regular girl. And he's..." "OW! BAKA!", yelled Naga as Gaurry crashed into her by the doorway to the kitchen. Continuing her musing, "He... is a moron. He wouldn't know if a girl was coming on to him even if they bit him in his very,... very tight butt." A sly grin crept across her face fading to a sad frown, "*bah* Who am I kidding. He's no prince and I'm no princess." Clenching her hands and with stars in her eyes she declared, "And I WILL marry into a rich family with a handsome prince where I will be kept in the style that I am accustomed to." No one knew where Amelia had acquired the Sailor Moon T-shirt from, but it seemed appropriate. "Lina," she added enthusiastically, " you could marry my DAD, Prince Phillionel! Then you could be my stepmother and we could fight justice together as a family! Wouldn't that be great?!", shattering Lina's daydream with the potential of a nightmare. Not wanting to hurt the feelings of the young 'champion of justice in training', Lina replied (with much more tact than she was used to), "Ah,... your dad is a bit old for me Amelia." Deciding to put her own 2 yen's worth into the discussion, Naga interjected, "Oh, I don't know Lina. At your age I'd think your options were limited. You should take what you can get." Despite being garbed in a sweatshirt and pink spandex pants, which made her almost look homely, Naga still had an unquenchable thirst for insulting the red-headed sorceress that would not be sated. "Now what's that supposed to mean Naga? You're older than I am.", Lina retorted. "True, but look at how men flock to me." she smirked, "Whereas you... wellllll..... you know how it is. BWHo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho----ACK! Ack-ack-ack" Typically a comment like that would have elicited at least a Dil Brand, but they'd just got the house and were still making payments so Lina opted for the good ol' fashioned hands on technique of choking the living snot out of the Great White Serpent. Amelia tried to get Lina off Naga but stopped as the doorbell rang. Ignoring the squabbling sorceresses, she ran to the door and answered it. "Hi hi!" she said, opening the door to whoever lay beyond. Unsurprisingly, those beyond the threshold were Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, Hikari, Shinji, and Rei. Hikari put on a brave face and spoke, "Hello again, Amelia isn't it?" "Yup Hikari-San. What can I do for you?" "Well, I was wondering *heh-heh*...", she stuttered nervously as she was prodded from behind by a very stern Asuka to continue on, "... Actually, this would be easier if we could tell everyone at once. Where are your friends?" "Well that's Naga and Lina on the floor behind me..." The collective unit of the Evangelion cast leaned to the right and gazed beyond the threshold. Naga has managed to overpower the younger sorceress and sat astride her, leaning forward and pinning her hands to the ground. "Haha! Once again I have proven to be the more powerful of the two. Now you shall taste the punishment of the Whiiiiitee..... Oh, hello there.", she said as she noticed the group of students observing the two of them on the floor in a very compromising position. Toji grinned, "All right, we're not even half way through the 3rd chapter and we already have some hot girl-on-girl action." Kensuke shouted gleefully, "I KNEW missing Star Trek tonight would be worth it. I wish I had my vid-cam." "Something tells me Mr. Suzahara is NOT going to be getting a good night kiss tonight.", murmured Hikari. "Something tells me Mr. Suzahara IS going to be getting a good night knee-to-the-groin.", thought Asuka. Shinji, hoping to escape the situation, interjected, "I think we should leave these people alone, don't you?". No such luck. Gaurry stepped over the two prone women, while marching to the door. "Hey hey. How's it going fellow students." "Gaurry!", squealed two of the adolescent high-schoolers in joy. Mind you, the joy came from two completely separate sources. Hikari, after seeing the flagrant infatuation that Toji displayed when aournd Naga was now en route to making him jealous whereas Asuka just wanted possession of Gaurry's big sword. Asuka's eyebrow twitched in anticipation as she thought, "That's the sword that he was carrying this afternoon. It was really powerful. It held off the combined might of my progressive knife and the strength of my Eva in single combat. Just THINK how powerful I'LL be when I wield it. I'll be unstoppable. Angels will fall before my every blow. That'll show Shinnnnnnnji and Ms. Teacher's pet (Rei) who's the best pilot. This plan of mine to get them drunk is the perfect way to steal the sword from him; assuming everyone sticks with the 'class tradition' story." Asuka had only briefed everyone on a need-to-know basis, and, since she was the only person who knew what was going on, she was the only one who needed-to-know everything. For everyone else, this was a 'let's indulge Asuka before she throws another fit' thing. "So what's all this about then?" Gaurry asked as Lina and Naga stood up, dusted themselves off, and looked anywhere but at each other. Hikari explained as the remainder of the Slayers cast gathered around the door to hear. "Well, you see, it's um,... tradition among our class that when new students come around we generally try to make them feel welcome by taking them out for dinner and drinks." "Dinner?!" spoke Gaurry and Lina, in mutual happiness. "Booze?!" grinned Naga. The profusion of smiles caused an unsettling feeling of fear and a collective flinch from the Eva cast, even Rei (but she hid it well, so no one noticed). Amelia, always all smiles, bowed and replied, "Why thank you very much. You are quite are quite a kind and justice filled society to make strangers welcome, especially in light of our recent pillaging of your b-OWIE!" "Bento.", supplied Lina after firmly pinching Amelia's arm. "After we ate all the delicious food in your bento. It must have taken an awful long time to make food that good. Right Gaurry?" After taking a second to clue in, Gaurry added, "What? Oh yeah,... right. It was great stuff. Well, at least the stuff that I got to try anyways with Lina hogging the box and all." (Lina scowled) "But yeah, those sausage octopi were cool. You're a real good cook Hikari." "You... You really think so?" replied Hikari, glowing under the praise and getting just that little bit closer to Gaurry; a fact which did not escape the attention of Toji, or Lina for that matter. "They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.", reaching out a tentative hand to touch said area behind the fabric of Gaurry's shirt. Taking her hand in his, he laid it against his chest. "Well then," he added in an oddly suave voice, "that must mean I'm in love." Hikari burst into a fit of bashful giggles. Toji fumed and stalked forward. "Ok. Break it up Romeo. Who do you think you are? James Dean?" "James? Dean?" Gaurry had his typical confused look on his face. "Lina?" "Don't expect any sympathy from me. You're on your own." she replied with disdain. "By the way, how did you find out where we were? We haven't registered this address with the school yet." Asuka looked up into the sky. The scene becomes fuzzy, as if we were looking into a flashback. Asuka confronted 2 MIB's who are walking down the hallways of NERV HQ at a steady pace. She, of course, has no authority over them other than that of a juvenile, homicidal red-head. However, in her own mind, the entire planet is expected to bow to the might of Ms. Langely Sorryu. "Hey! You two. Get over here. I want you to do something for me. I need you to track down a couple of new students." Without breaking stride one of the pair answered, "They're living at 221 Noboyuki Lane." "Na... Nani?! How did you know what I was going to say?" "That's what We're paid to do ma'am." Still trying maintain her composure under the blanket of her own self confidence, she challenged them, "Well if you're so good then you know what I'm..." "Pink," the other MIB interrupted, "with little blue bears." Asuka stopped dead in her tracks, turned around and peered at the change room. Staring at it in astonishment she muttered quietly to herself, "Geez. You just never can tell can you..." Asuka blinked, returning to reality. "Um, uh, you can thank the modern marvel of computers, and the Microsquish network (TM)! Who do you want to own today?" Rei frowned. They never let her mention the ad herself. "Well ok. Whatever. So," Gaurry rubbed his hands together in expectation, "when do we go to eat?" "We came here right after the attack was over, so we'll just have to stop off at our apartment to change before we go." said Asuka, indicating Shinji and herself. "So you two live together?" enquired Naga. "With our guardian, yeah." she replied glum. "Ooooh, I see. I bet things would be really interesting if you didn't have a guardian there eh Sorryu?" "Wu-wu-WHAT! Me, and Shinji? Shinji!? The human doormat?!" Shinji muttered to himself, "Yup, that's me. Shinji Ikari, footstool to the insane. Guardian of Justice. Protector of Tokyo-3. The infamous 'Third Child'. Textbook fruitcake for psychiatrists everywhere. Good ol' Shin-boy." Amelia managed to catch the important part of that, whispering in quiet awe to herself, "You're a guardian of justice too?". Her eyes now looked upon him with a modest reverence. "Get serious! I have a real boyfriend Naga. He has brown hair and the most beautiful eyes.", Asuka retorted, as her own eyes began to glaze over with memories of Kaji. "Oh, the one with the glasses?" Naga pointed to Kensuke. "Oh Asuka!", Kensuke cried as he fell to his knees and the high pressure tear ducts in his eyes engaged. "If I had only know of your searing desire for me sooner; how much you have longed for the passionate embrace of Aida Kensuke!" Sliding over behind Kensuke, Asuka clocked him over the head with her fist, knocking him to the ground. "Doorknob. I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about...." Kaji walked up to the group and interrupted Asuka just before she could finish that sentence, "Hi everybody!" "Kaji!", she completed as she sprang at him encircling his waist in her arms, thoroughly hugging him. "Well hello there Asuka." Turning to the rest of the group and nodding and dispensing hellos. Still, he took a special moment for the Third Child. A simple "Hello Shinji.", and the laying of a comforting hand on his shoulder was the greeting offered. "I know the most of these faces, but you seemed to have acquired a few new friends. So tell me, who are they?" Shinji introduced the transfer students, wisely leaving out any references to albino lizards. Kaji then introduced himself as one of their chaperones for the evening. "So, when is Commander Katsuragi due to arrive?" Kaji enquired. At mention of Misato, Asuka broke her embrace with him, sulking. Shinji answered, "Well Misato said she'd be here at 6 o'clock." Checking the time on his wrist watch, "It's 6 now, so she should be here any second I guess." As if summoned by dark eldritch forces, the Tactical Commander in question careened around the corner in a minibus plastered with NERV logos. With a squeal of tires, the vehicle came to a perfect two-point stop, and then settled onto all four wheels. "Hurry up! We have reservations for 7:00, and I've still got to go by my apartment for some stuff." "Oh good." Asuka climbed into the shotgun seat. "I want to change out of my school uniform." "That's a good idea, Asuka." Amelia grabbed an opportunity when it presented itself. "We should also stop by Rei's place so she can change too." , while thinking to herself, "Aha! The first strike of my battle to free poor Ayanami-San from the cruel bindings of monotony and melancholy. No one can have fun in such stodgy uniforms! Such villainous vestments must be riven from our evening of joy and happiness!" "Riven?" Rei fixed Amelia with a curious glance. Then she shrugged. "It doesn't matter. All I have to wear are my uniforms, anyway." "Hey, I'VE got a great idea!" Misato smiled. Everyone who knew Misato twitched. Misato's 'Great Ideas' were infamous; one that involved the space shuttle, a positron rifle and all the electrical power in Japan came to mind. "You can borrow some of Asuka's things." Misato smiled, sure she had made the evening perfect. Asuka stared at Misato, speechless. But not for very long. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??!!" ------------------------------------------ Somewhere where everybody knows your name. ------------------------------------------ "WERE ALL GOING TO DIIIIEEEE!" Asuka's knuckles were white as she clutched the armrests of her seat with every ounce of her strength. The minibus, in a feat of remarkable agility, nimbly jumped the median in the highway in order to get to the plaza on the other side. Dodging oncoming traffic like orange pylons on a test track, Misato yanked the wheel hard to the left, overbalancing the careening machine and throwing it into a roll. Three flips, an Immelmann, and a 360 degree turn later, the van slammed perfectly into the last parking spot in the lot, between a Cadillac and a Gremlin. The Gremlin exploded. As the smoke cleared, the passengers attempted to unweld their fingers from the seats. Amelia's eyes shone. "AGAIN!" Lina and Naga's eyes were closed. Naga was babbling incoherently. Lina was merely groaning. "Oh Xellos will be SO disappointed that he missed that." Gaurry was uncharacteristically cool about the entire event. "Now I know why she asked us all if we had to go before we left.", Toji mumbled. "Uh, Asuka, could you please not hold onto the armrest so firmly", Kaji asked in a strained voice. "Why?" "Because it's not the armrest." "Oh." Asuka quickly let go, and busied herself with removing her seat belt. The extended cast piled out of the NERV-mobile, and looked up at the facade in front of them. "Planet Hollywood-2?" Lina asked. "What happened to Planet Hollywood-1?" Misato shrugged. "After the Second Impact, the head office and all the franchises sunk into the sea. Sadly, enough washed-up actors survived to resurrect it." As they walked in, they were surrounded by the bric-a-brac, paraphernalia and cast-offs of films and actors often thought to have hastened the end of the world: William Shatner's hairpiece, Adam Sandler's backpack from 'The Waterboy', Steven Segal's ponytail, Carrot Top's trunk, Yahoo Serious's hair and guitar from 'Young Einstein', a life-size mock up of 'Mini-me' (the clone of Dr. Evil from 'The Spy who Shagged Me'), Paul Hogan's hat, and a complete collection of Pamela Anderson's Bikini tops chronologically cataloguing the transition from before to after and back to before. The group sat down at the large table reserved for them. Rei noticed that there was a poster of Keanu Reeves beside her, with a push button marked, 'Press for dialogue'. She pressed it. It went, *Whoa!*. She pressed it again, it went, *Whoa!*, in a slightly different tone. Shinji looked at Rei while she repeatedly pressed the button. "Why don't you stop pressing that?" Rei frowned. "I'm waiting for it to say something other than...", she pressed the button again, Keanu faithfully went, *Whoa!*. Shinji gave this up as a lost cause, and turned to the menu. The table was a long rectangle in one corner of the restaurant. Shinji was at the foot of the table, tucked into the corner. Rei was at his left, then came Lina, Toji, Hikari and Naga. To Naga's right sat Misato at the head of the table, with Kaji beside her to her left. Asuka was at the side of the table, pinned between Kaji and the red-jacketed Gaurry. Then Kensuke and Amelia. This arrangement strategically ensured that everyone got what they wanted. Misato was beside Kaji and able to keep an eye on everything. Asuka was free to flirt with Kaji while simultaneously trying to get Gaurry drunk and steal the Sword of Light. Hikari was in good position to flirt with both Gaurry and Toji. Naga was free to insult whomever she pleased (Lina). Kensuke was right in the thick of it. Amelia was almost directly across from Rei and therefore free to continue in her campaign of justice to bring happiness into Rei's life. And good old Shinji, in the back corner, had settled down for what he hoped would be a peaceful evening. He was far from the action at the head of the table, safely out of Asuka's immediate grasp (or at least in a position which afforded him a good head start) and had the 'buffer zone' of the enigmatic Rei and the hypermatic Amelia in front of him. At the moment, life was good. "Hiya everyone.", hailed the buxom, blonde valley-girl waiter. A mumbled chorus of greetings answered. "You, like, all care to start off with drinks or, like, have you already decided on what ya want?" Misato spoke up, "We'll need a couple more minutes to decide for the food, but in the mean time, I'd like you to give Kaji a blowjob and I'll have an orgasm. Well heck, since Gainax is picking up the tab tonight, let's give all the boys blowjobs and all the girls can have orgasms!" *Whoa!* The entire group of 'students' were stunned into an eerie silence, save Rei, who was always like that anyways. Kaji smiled, "How generous of you Misato. A good round of drinks for a toast is the perfect way to start off an evening." "Like, whatever," added Valley girl, "but I'm gonna have to like, card one of you or some junk like that to make sure, k? Like, you at the end of the table", pointing at Shinji. "Let's see some ID." Shinji carefully pulled out his gun,... er, the fake ID that Misato had made for him. (Phew, almost pulled a DJ Croft there). Reading off the licence, the waitress repeated, "Sanjay Ikmantoruman? Age... 41?" Some members of the cast had a strange vision of Shinji, in a turban atop an white elephant, but quickly dismissed that figuring that they'd save their imaginations for later. Shinji could only smile nervously. Misato grimaced at the inspirational stroke that had brought about that idea. "Like, whatever!" replied the waitress. She then walked away with the order (and a discretely placed 500 Yen note from Kaji) while Misato tried to start a group conversation, "So, Naga. You look old enough. Tell me, have you ever had an orgasm before?" If Naga were a bit more humble, she might have blushed,... but this is Naga we're talking about. After a derisive snicker that threatened to turn into one of her hideous laughs, she responded, "I, Naga, the Great White..." Lina, "...Hype..." "...Serpent,... have seen more orgasms than even a lady of your significant age." The challenge in her voice was obvious. *Whoa!* Misato's eyebrows were twitching erratically, "Significant..." *twitch* *twitch* "...age..." *twitch* *twitch*. "Let's face it Katsuragi,", muttered Kaji with laid-back finesse, "We're over the hill. The world belongs to the young." "Oh no Kaji, you're not that old.", pleaded Asuka. "Actually, he's right.", responded Gaurry suavely. He stopped leaning on his chair and pulled a toothpick out of his mouth. The red jacket he accentuated his youthful physique very well. "We're I come from someone his age would've already settled down and had a family by now. Unless he was a really good fighter, he'd probably be dead or retiring." "Oh really Mr. Gabriev. And what makes you think that I'm not that good a fighter?" Kaji replied casually resting his chin in his hand. Gaurry was the young buck, Kaji, the old stallion. The former had stamina, the latter, experience. Asuka's head was zipping left and right like she was watching a tennis match on fast forward. The tension of contention between the various members of the group was coming to a head rapidly, someone had to diffuse the situation quickly. That person was NOT Kensuke, but he tried anyways, by inviting the quietest member of the group into the conversation. "So Rei, Asuka's dress looks really good on you. How do like it?" Rei looked down at her frock, a deep blue version of the yellow one which Asuka was wearing tonight. She never really considered anything in terms of beauty or elegance, just in terms practicality and sometimes comfort. Her response was intended to convey that, but interpretation is a subjective experience. "It's fits me... I guess. The top is a bit tight and the waist is baggy." (Points that Shinji had noticed and had tried not to observe overtly). The tension rose, mathematically, but decreased on the whole. You see, tension is created by 'tense ions' which are quantifiable particles released by the person experiencing the emotion at the moment. While, for the remainder of the group, the count dropped (relieved by a good laugh) Asuka's personal count skyrocketed, easily outstripping their pervious combined total and threatening to set off the fire extinguishers. Kaji, knowing Asuka's temperament, turned to her, "There there dear, it was all in good fun." This diffused the situation somewhat. "But Kaaaaaaaajiiiiiiiii...", she whined. Quickly man, feed her ego! "They're just jealous dear." That should keep her quiet for a while, Kaji thought. "Of what?", enquired Naga. Once again, due to subjective interpretation, Asuka got pissed. Kaji moved for the save, "What, you don't know? You're in the presence of the infamous,... er,... famous Second Child." "So, what. She has a older brother or sister, big deal." "Ah. No. Where did you say you were from again?" Kaji asked. Lina, looking up from the menu supplied the answer, "We're from out of town. Foreign exchange students. I thought Hikari explained that?" Hikari was shyly looking off to the side, giggling, "Um, I had other things on my mind at the time." In a quick flashback we see Hikari talking to the two MIBS, she finishing a sentence, "...if you know everything then I have a question about my boyfr...". Cutting her off, they answered, "Pink, with little blue bears." Returning to reality, Hikari is snickering louder. "Hey. What's so funny?" inquires Toji. Patting his hand politely, she smiled and responded, "It's nothing dear." "I just don't get women." "I just don't get women either.", echoed Kensuke. Asuka took that statement the wrong way and almost snapped off a snide remark at Mr. Wanker-mecha-newest-member-of-the-team-fanboy, but was interrupted from doing so by Lina, who beat her to the punch. "I'm not surprised.", said with all the audacity and airs of superiority she could muster. Laughter ensued. (Humour prosecuted, a running gag cross-examined and we'll let the audience be the judge). Lina continued, "It should be clear to all that women are the preeminent of the two sexes.", Lina looked over at Naga and added under her breath, "...present company excluded of course." "You know, you remind me of someone. I'm not sure who. Aaaaasuka?" Misato queried with a bit of a leer added for good measure. Turning, Misato found the crimson Eva pilot trying to lift the Sword of Light off Gaurry. Sadly, with her attempt foiled and with all eyes on her, her hands slipped and instead of acquiring the sword, they ended up landing in Mr. Gabriev's lap. At this turn of events, Gaurry did not react shyly. In fact, he had quite a bemused look about him; not at all an uninviting one, either. In a quick burst of recovery, she blushed, "Yes? Oh. What? Lina? Looks like someone we know?" She looked pensive for a moment, then cheerfully replied, "Nope, can't think of anyone!" A good majority of the table facefaulted, save Amelia, (who's been chatting with Rei about a really neat new vision she's received from a large wooden box with a crystal screen concerning 5 young female warriors on a quest for justice) and, of course, Rei. Amelia replied, "You know Ms. Asuka. You do look a lot like Miss Lina. *Gasp* You two could be sisters!" "NO WAY!", exclaimed Lina, standing and slamming her hands on the table. "Impossible", scoffed Asuka, turning on Misato. "What kind of a pea brained idea is that?", Lina directed to Amelia. To Misato from Asuka, "How did THAT notion ever enter your mind?" "We're absolutely nothing alike!" they said in unison, staring at each other and pointing with the sincere conviction of crazed fanatics, thoroughly convinced of correctness their positions.... *Whoa!* Embarrassed, Lina and Asuka dropped back into their chairs and studied the tablecloth pattern very closely. They were silent amid the roar of laughter from the occupants of the table (even Rei managed to crack a grin). A momentary dialogue, communicated solely with glares, passed between Naga and Lina. It said that if Naga makes even one comment about Lina's own breasts not being up to the size of a 16 year old (heck, we've had 31 angels, at least 2 years must have passed), then Ms. Inverse will ensure that all the alcohol that the Great White Serpent receives this evening turns to water. Under the threat of sobriety, Naga backed down. -------------------------- Elsewhere in the Restaurant -------------------------- Maya Ibuki was having a lousy day, and she needed a drink. Of course, Hyuuga and Aoba often joked that they'd much prefer Maya with several drinks in her, but that was beside the point. Days when Angels attacked were more or less by definition bad, but today was particularly miserable. Miserable enough that Maya had been in the bar for over an hour already, and she'd had a drink in her hands for most of that time. The bar wasn't very busy. The closest patron was a man with permed mousey-brown hair and glasses. He seemed to be moping into his drink. The bartender produced another Margarita promptly and proceeded to wipe the same glass repeatedly in a very professional bartender manner, available as a sounding board if anyone wished to talk. Maya played with a small collection of tiny umbrellas, and finally the combination of frustration and alcoholic lubrication got her mouth working. "'Snot fair, y'know? Here I am, Univershty grajuat, top o' my clash, ann I don' get no reshpect." Maya took another drink of Margarita, and wagged a finger at the bartender. "Itsh not like I'm ungrateful, don' go thinkin' that. 'Sa great job, an my bosh is gorg-great! Thing ish, she jush treatsh me like an ashishtant. Well, I am an ashishtant, okay, but I can' help thinging we'd be a great couple-team! Y'know? I'm a good ashishtant, loyal an stuff. An a friend, too. I jush wish she'd see me as sumpthin more." The mousey man on the nearby stool seemed to be half-listening, as he bobbed his head up and down and mumbled somthing like: "Burns is d'sameway. Jusht Good Job Well Done. Even when I work like a dog. Lapdog." Maya nodded loosely and smacked a fist into the table. "'Sright. Like today f'rinstance. Angel attacks, everythin goes spla. WonderMaya saves the city inna face o' all opposishan, an' I don' even get a friendly shoulder squeeze o' thanks. Not even a lousy smile!" "Mmm. Hava cigar m'boy. Bracing Gentlemanly handshake my ass." "Ya." Maya was now waving her drink around for emphasis. "Even whenya tryta do em' Do em' favours. Y'know she's puttin in an all-nighter? Gotta figure out tha weird readings. But itsh, 'Oh don't worry Maya. you go home'n resht. Ya earned it'. Hunh. Don' wanna resht, wanna help tha Doc work all night inna confined, secluded lab. Hunh. Bet Hyuuga an Aoba could stay if they wanned." The mousey man nodded again. "An yer always there for 'em. An ya help 'em whenner sick. An ya gettem food'n stuff. 'Slike yer married; but does he notice? Ha! Anyer just doin it for their own good, right?" "You tellem!" Maya toasted the mousey man, spilling part of her drink. "She'd work herself ta death without me, I tell ya. She'd be so much better off an' happier with me by her side fer always an' always." Maya sighed, and slumped in her stool. Dejected, her gaze wandered, and she noticed the rest of the cast at their table across the restaurant. Yet, her train of thought rambled on. "I jusht whish there was a way ta get HER ta see that." ----------------- Back at the Table ----------------- "K. Like, Drinks are on!" announced the valley-waitress gaily. She dispensed small yellow shooters to everyone. The only difference between each drink was that the ones given to the guys had whipped cream on top whereas those given to the girls did not. When she stood behind Asuka, between Gaurry and Kaji, she seemed to fall into an almost trance like state of euphoria. She passed each of the men their drinks with coasters. On both coasters was written, "Kiss kiss. I'm Buffi. 555-5555, call me. I think you're hot." She had dotted her I's with little hearts; it was freaky. Walking behind Misato, the waitress seemed to recover and pulled out her notepad. "K? So, what can I getcha?" Orders for food were placed. Several notepads were used up between Gaurry's and Lina's order (which was essentially doubles of everything for both of them, and a Mr. Pibb for Gaurry). Buffi wasn't phased in the least by that,... except for the Pibb, that is. "And for drinks with your food?", she asked. "I'll handle this.", Misato pronounced. "I have a knack for knowing exactly what type of alcoholic beverage would suit a person." Thought Shinji, "So THAT's the requirement for being a tactical commander in NERV." "For Asuka and Lina,", began Misato, "...flaming Sambucas. Kaji... a grin and tonic as usual?" "Of course dear." he replied. "For... Amelia, isn't it? Give Amelia Sex on the Beach. It's fruity and bubbly and bright red; you'll like it." "Oooh!", Hikari piped up, "I'd like Sex on the Beach too!" Toji inquired discretely, "I though you wanted in front of a fireplace near Lake Tah-ARGHH!!! Don't pinch so hard!" "Ok, so those two will be having sex on the beach." Misato indicated Hikari and Amelia. "Rei hrm,... I've got it. Get her an Electric Martini. You'll like it Rei, it's just like you: shaken, put not stirred and blue with a big, bright cherry." "Do I have a cherry Captain?", Rei asked. *Grrrrr* "No Rei, your eyes. The cherry matches you eyes. Kids are so literal nowadays", complained Captain Katsuragi. "For Aida and Suzahara..." "Beer!", they sounded in unison, "And Ikari get's one too!" "Well, the boys have spoken. Actually,", Misato said to the waitress, "...bring a beer for every guy at the table." "Um Misato,... I don't drink.", Shinji commented. "Oh come ON Shinji, lighten up.", barked Asuka, "This is a team-building experience'! You can't remain sober while all you friends get plastered. That's hardly very team-like. Geez, lighten up! At least drop the doom and gloom act for one night." "Yes Asuka. I'm s..." "And DO NOT start apologizing! We did that in chapter one and we don't need another one of those. Remember, we're here to have fun. On a night like this, you can do no wrong." "Except to you." "Exactly!" Shinji sighed, "Consistency." "Perfect.", thought Asuka. "I get to pick on Shinji while he's drunk while I'm sober (due to my naturally superior German tolerance for alcohol) and I get to flirt with Kaji and get a magic sword. Life is good." "Now, as for YOU Missy.", Misato continued while turning to Naga. "I'm gonna pay YOU back for that age crack you made earlier. One bottle of vodka for the two of us,", she ordered the waitress, "...and keep the beer chasers coming. I'm going to drink you under the table Great White Serpent.", Misato declared in challenge. "But before we put you two under the table, I think we should start of the evening with a toast. But what should we toast to?", questioned Kaji. Suggestions trickled in. Misato's, "To NERV... nah.", Toji's, "To Gainax (for picking up the tab)... nah." Rei's, "To the health of Commander Ikari (may he suffer a massive coronary)... nah." "To justice!.... nah.", from Amelia, who else? "To teamwork and friendship?... nah.", offered Shinji. "To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, most of our problems; the mental restraints that it loosens; and the peaceful unaccountable oblivion that follows.", stated Kaji. "To ALCOHOL!", they all intoned and downed their drinks. "Um, Gaurry? You have whip cream on your lip." Misato mentioned. "I'll take care of that.", Asuka replied in a near-sultry way. Taking her index finger, she dragged it across the top of Gaurry's lip, wiping off the cream. She then sucked the sweet white substance off her finger. This particular action was -very- out of character for Asuka and attracted a couple of stares from that end of the table. After a moment or two, she seemed to snap out of her entranced state, finger still in her mouth, wondering, "What was I thinking!". The gazes directed at her also seemed to ask the same question. Any answer that would have been supplied by Asuka however, was abruptly cut off as a large glass containing a flaming liquid was placed in front of her. The other drinks were here. This was going to be a long night. ------------------ My Melancholy Maya ------------------ "What the heck?" Maya had, for lack of a better way to occupy her time after the mousey man had passed out, been watching the festivities at the pilot's table. The way the waitress had fawned over Kaji and that other guy was nauseating. You'd never catch Maya mooning over some stupid man like that. However, Asuka's blatant seduction attempt had startled Maya almost sober. It was nothing like the childish flirting that Asuka always directed at Kaji, and even less like the uncomfortable, confused stumbling that happened around Shinji when Asuka thought no-one was looking. It was... almost... predatory. It was certainly completely unlike any Asuka Maya had come to know. It was completely unlike any Asuka ASUKA knew, if the red-haired pilot's sudden backing off was any indication. What could possibly have changed Asuka so strongly, if even for a little while? She couldn't be that drunk yet, or she wouldn't have backpedalled so fast. Maya stared at Asuka who sat abashed between Gaurry and Kaji. Gaurry had casually slung his red jacket over the back of his chair, and was exchanging lively, manly banter with the older man. What indeed? Maya, resolved to unravel this mystery, threw some bills on the bar and stood, intending to walk over to the table and ask questions until she got answers. Sadly, she was more drunk than she thought. Booze, aided by vertigo, trumped resolve, and ended Maya's evening out in a warm, fuzzy black. ------------------------------ Shouldn't this table be round? ------------------------------ 7:30pm passed on to 8 o'clock and then onto 9. The food arrived after about 45 minutes. Alcohol flowed like the Danube around the table and through the veins of it's occupants. By the time it was 10:30pm, everyone at the table was suffering some level of inebriation ranging from semi-conscious to outright tanked. Even Rei. It was soon apparent to everyone that Amelia, though conscious at the moment, would soon not be so. As her B.A.C. rose, her conversation with Rei became more and more angst filled. Who would've thought that she would be a depressed drunk? "Y'know. I never really wanted to become a champ'yun f-justice. Wusall my dad's idea. Whatta jurk. I mean really, Goodwill-towards-all-mankind-kick'... What kinna attack is that fer a pacifisht? Eh? Y'know what I wanted to be? Y'know what I wanted to be? I wanted to be a pony when I grew up. A big cute pony. With pink hair and a little star on my butt. *Thunk* " and that ended Amelia's half of the conversation. Lina was happy that Amelia was happy. Well, she was happy that Amelia was drunk and unconscious; being drunk and unconscious assumed happiness. Not that the other member of the conversation, Rei, had even been listening. 7 martini's combined with the monotonous droning of Amelia had helped Rei re-achieve the Zen-like state she'd experienced sometime in a soliloquy past episode 6. It was almost exactly the same, except for 2 things: now, she was in a bar, and now, she seem to understand what she was talking about (at least to herself anyways). "The sky, the incandescent hum of the lamp light, Commander Ikari, the Spice Girls, Evangelion, cherry blossoms, that funky smell from my neighbour's apartment, the artist formerly known as Prince... yes, it all makes sense now." *Whoa!* Naga and Misato were still hard at it, Naga seemingly faring the better of the two, though not by much. Kensuke and Toji were involved in their own drinking contest. Toji had temporarily called a time-out when he had tried to crush a beer can against his head, failing to realize that it was both full and closed. That was ok though because it drew Hikari's attention away from the muscle bound swordsman and forced her to fuss over his wound. Unsurprisingly, Lina and Gaurry were wolfing down their food, and the vast quantities of said substance was moderating the effects of their inebriation. Kaji, of course, was calm and collected as always, making conversation here and there. Asuka continually tried to lift the sword off Gaurry. Yet, every time she tried, an arm or elbow would get in the way and make her look like she was pawing at him rather than trying to steal something from him. And what of our great hero, Shinji Ikari? He was happily placed at the foot of the table, safe and sound, nursing several beers, at least 3 of which were currently running through his system. He simply sat back and mused about his situation at the moment. "I should be thinking about how bad I feel. I should be apologizing. I should be thinking about how much my father hates me. I should be retreating into my own world of self-pity and denial. I should be having nightmares about how everyone's going to abandon me and how Rei will turn into this huge white being that will kill everyone and destroy the Earth in an attempt to re-unify mankind into the collective unconscious postulated by Jung. But all I can think about is how cute she looks in that short blue dress and how much cuter she'd look if that neckline was 3 inches lower. Y'know,... this beer stuff ain't half bad." Despite being in touch with the existential forces of the universe, Rei in her drunken state, had still noticed Shinji's poorly concealed glances at her. She had been alone for most of her existence, never really knowing anyone else (such is the nature of being human). "Well,", she contemplated, "he's always been nice to me. Gentle. Kind. And he's a lot better looking than his dad. Cute, in a vulnerable, spineless sort of way. But how to I get a boy's attention?" Looking to Hikari and Asuka (and Misato too), who were involved with boys of their own age, it apparently involved a lot of touching. Ok. She could do touch. "Shinji?", Rei inquired. "Yah, Rei?", he replied. "Why don't you move over here so we can talk; in private. You know, and not wake up Amelia." "Um,...", Shinji hesitated. Rei never initiated conversations, and given his current ruminations, he had a right to be nervous. New territory. Not fully in control of faculties. Run. Hide. Retreat into self. "You really don't have room on your side of the table there Rei." Well, if Sanjay Ikmantoruman won't come to the mountain... The mountain got up and sashayed over to Sanjay Ikmantoruman; sitting on the corner of the table. Arranging her skirt and giving him an excellent view of her legs, she continued. "Oh, it's nothing like that Shinji. I just wanted some feedback." Talking did seem to be involved at this stage of the game. But Rei's only source of information about matters of intimacy and bonding were limited to school textbooks and working on mental bonds with the Evangelions. Oh well, go with what you know. "F-feedback.", Shinji stuttered. "Mhmmm. About work." "Oh! Work! *Phew* Oh, ok. For a moment there I though you were..." "I was what?", she asked, leaning forward, sinking her neckline an additional inch. "I-I-I thought you were... never mind." She was enjoying his dilettante squirming. "You see, I was wondering about our sync ratios with the Eva's. You know, they say that our ratios improve if we don't wear our plug suits,... you know, leaving nothing between us and our Eva's." At this, one of the straps of Rei's borrowed dress seemed to slide off of her shoulder of its own accord. Shinji's eyes were growing wider by the minute. His throat was getting dry as well. Absently he reached over and polished off half a beer in one swig. "Naked... Yeah... Work better naked." "That's exactly what I was thinking. I mean, if I was your Eva", Rei smiled knowingly, "I'd want to be as close to you as possible." She pushed Shinji's dessert plate off to one side and sat directly in front of him, uncrossing her legs. "Close. Very close." Shinji stammered. "Because if I were Evangelion-01 and I had you inserted into me, I'd want no barriers." That said, she gently flopped down into Shinji's lap, straddling him with her legs and encircling his neck in her arms. Shinji's hands shot out in alarm. *Whoa!* Keanu's sentiments were echoed by those witnessing the situation from further up the table. "Rei," asked Misato politely (if not slightly slurred and amused), "whatr'ya doing over there with Shinji?" "We're discussing work commander. Sync ratios.", Rei said with a dead-even smile on her face. "Oh. Ok Rei. But you can only talk about ratios if it's happy talk. Is it happy talk Rei?" "One moment Commander, I'll find out. Shinji?", she wiggled in a bit more on his lap and brought her face closer to his, "Is this happy?" The younger Ikari looked at Rei. He saw sincerity in her eyes; bleary sincerity, but sincerity nonetheless. "Yes Rei." he replied with all the frankness he could muster, "This is happy." "Ok! Carry on then." Misato drunkenly declared. "You can't do that Misato! It's disgusting how they're carrying on!", objected Asuka with a little too much fervour. "And what about you? You're not any better with your hand in Gaurry's lap all the time!", complained Lina, also, with a little too much fervour. "And why are you blushing?!" "I'm not blushing. I'm flushed. It's the Sambuca. Why do YOU care?" "I don't.", Lina replied with a hint of shyness. "Then why are you blushing, hrm?" "...not blushing.... flushed... Sambuca.", even Lina didn't buy that. Fortunately for both girls, Gaurry was finishing off the last of Lina's Milli-Vanilla ice cream and didn't hear a word of their conversation. "And on that cheery note I think we should call it a night." Despite some heavy drinking, Kaji had found enough sense to remain moderately sober. Between him and the rest of the party that weren't asleep, they managed to drag the remainder of the cast off to Misato's apartment wherein they all promptly fell unconscious. ------------------------------- ------------------------------- Well, that brings us, and you, to the end of another chapter. No applause please, just throw money. If you wish to contact us regarding this chapter or the previous one (or those not yet written (oooh, scary)), please send to: laughlin@accessv.com or evansjt@interlog.com. We've only had one response to our name-that-angel contest. It was an okay idea, but it wouldn't help us take the story where we want it. This is your chance to be immortalized in prose! Well, not exactly, but we'll mention you in the footer. ;) Part 4 has been scripted, and writing will begin soon. In this part, you can look forward to such spectacular sights as: -author avatar insertions (not us ;) ) -the quest for the 'aura of smooth' -more of Cthulu and the angel naming committee -yet another angel attack -and finally, Palladium IN JOKES! From: "Gaunt" Bwahahahaha! You thought you could stop us, but you can't! There's is no escaping the wrath which is our tasteless fic! (Dear readers, Doubtless if you are fans of Evangelion, then you must have experienced other fanfics in this area of interest. As you've probably noted, there are a lot of freaky people out there writing themselves into fics and performing unspeakable acts to various characters, their personalities and the English language in general. Many of the jokes and grammatical errors in this chapter are a 'tribute' to these monstrosities. Also, the innuendo in this part gets REALLY thick. If you don't enjoy such, don't read it. For the rest of you right-minded individuals, enjoy.) As always, Evangelion and all associated characters and situations are property of Gainax. The Slayers cast are also not ours. We continue to make no money from these stories (or just about anything else, for that matter) so don't sue us, please. * A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover * * * * Cruel Lina's Thesis * * * * Part 4: And the Plot Arose * --------------------------------------- But will you respect me in the morning? --------------------------------------- Dawn broke over Tokyo-3, casting warm comforting light over the city. Well, it was comforting to those who hadn't drunk themselves unconscious the night before, anyway. Stabbing rays of yellow pain lanced in through the windows of Misato's apartment, eventually penetrating eyelids and even hastily pulled up blankets. "Ack. My mouth tastes like something crawled into it and committed seppuku." Shinji groggily rubbed his eyes, and reached down, trying to pull the blankets up farther. "Shinji." Rei's voice was strangely close by. "Um, yes Rei?" "That's not a blanket." Shinji rolled over, coming face to face with Rei. Very face to face. Shinji stared into Rei's eyes, and noticed the material in his hand was a lot finer than blankets usually are. He also felt something rubbing against his legs that felt suspiciously like another leg. It wasn't covered with anything. Oops. Shinji carefully put the skirt back where it ought to be, and smoothed it out. Then he realized where his hands were. "Uuuhhh..." Rei merely watched him, impassive. Asuka's voice yelled from the other side of the room. "Shinji you pervert! What the hell do you think you're doing!" Rei sat up and watched Asuka for a moment. "We could ask you the same question, Asuka." Confused, Asuka looked down. Pen Pen looked back at Asuka, gave her an affectionate peck on the cheek, and waddled off. "..." Shinji watched Asuka, who seemed frozen. "Um. Asuka? Are you alright?" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" It's amazing how a blood-curdling scream can wake people immune to even top-of-the-line alarm clocks. Kaji rolled over to turn off the alarm, but his arm seemed to be blocked by large, springy pillows. "I can't reach your alarm, Misato." "The alarm's not on this side of the bed." Misato mumbled, barely conscious. "Oh." Kaji rolled the other way, and found his face against some more pillows. "Hey Misato, why do you have so many pillows on your bed?" An entirely different voice spoke from above the pillows. "Those aren't pillows, Kaji-san, but you're welcome to keep your head there as long as you like." Naga grinned at him. Misato, now fully awake, hauled on the blankets to cover herself, unceremoniously dumping the other two onto the floor. And each other. Naga giggled. "Oh, Kaji-San, AGAIN?" "What do you mean, AGAIN?" Kaji and Misato said together, Misato at much higher decibel levels. Kaji rubbed chin quizzically after he climbed off of Naga. "You know, I can remember kissing a dark-haired girl last night, but I can't quite seem to recall which one..." Naga waved a hand haughtily. "Well, given my superiority in both the fields of alcohol tolerance and... endowment... I think it's almost guaranteed that you chose me over that old hag. Oh-ho-ho-hohohoh *BANG* ho...uhk." Naga collapsed to the ground as Misato returned the sorceress to dreamland by the head trauma express. She then put the badly cracked end table back in its place. "I wonder if anyone else is up?" In fact, the typical (for Misato's apartment) morning noises were waking everyone else up. Toji rolled over and smiled at Hikari. "Good morning Dear." She gently touched his face, and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Getting ready to stand up, Toji rolled the other way. "Good morning Dear." Kensuke grinned evilly at Toji. Kensuke got his face touched, but not gently. "Hi hi!" Amelia bounced into the room. Under one arm she had a plush Sailor Moon, under the other was a plush Shinji. Unlike the others, she did not appear to have slept in her clothes. Instead, she was wearing a knee-length Hello Kitty t-shirt. How she had managed to find these items and change while unconscious and in an alcoholic stupor will remain a mystery for all time. Amelia, somehow perky in spite of any hangover she should have and the early hour, bopped over to where her companions were still sleeping. "Hey Miss Lina, Mr. Gaurry! Did you have a good sleep? ...[much quieter] oh, I guess you did." Amelia walked away from where the two were entwined in each other's limbs, and looked for breakfast. --------------------------------------- The Breakfast of Champions (of Justice) --------------------------------------- The cast were sitting around Misato's apartment, holding paper plates and waiting for breakfast to be served. Kaji was busy preparing the breakfast (a traditional English breakfast: Bangers (sausage) and Mash (potatoes)), with the help of Shinji and, of all people, Naga. Naga was still wearing the sweater and leggings from the day before, but had accented them with a Piyo Piyo apron. As she prepared an omelette, she seemed to be humming to herself. "Oh egg, oh egg, I'm going to mix you up, mix you up..." Lina watched Naga cook with a baffled expression. "Um, Naga? What are you doing? This whole homebody thing really isn't like you, is it?" "Hah! You were always ignorant of the womanly arts, Lina. Should you manage to pull off one of the great miracles of the age and land a man, your meagre to nonexistent domestic skills mean you won't be able to keep him. I, on the other hand," at this, Naga gave her hips a wiggle, the ripples from which ran through her body to her arm, flipping the omelette. "have all the bases covered." Lina was having trouble finding a safe place to point her gaze. She couldn't look at Gaurry after where she woke up, and looking at Naga right now was... disturbing. Unfortunately, Misato's apartment wasn't really that big, so her options were severely limited. Misato was polishing off three cans of hair of the dog, or 'breakfast' as she called it. As a painful reminder of the night before (and the throbbing headache and nausea last night caused) she was being forcibly ignored by everybody. So Lina tried the only person she considered remotely as sane as herself, Hikari. "Toji?" Hikari mumbled. "Yes Dear?" "Should you consider inviting me out to a glamourous evening of dancing and drinking..." "Yes Dear?" "You die." "Yes dear." Kensuke was reading the label on a bottle of pink liquid. "For mild indigestion, take one spoonful. For acute indigestion, take two." Nodding sagely (and very carefully) to himself, he upended the bottle into a glass and downed it. Amelia approached Gaurry, who seemed distracted, staring into space. "Banger?" "NO!" Gaurry waved his hands in denial, blushing. Amelia, not ever having seen Gaurry refuse food, was confused. "Well, okay." She walked off towards Lina. Lina was wrapped in her own thoughts. "What the heck was I doing in Gaurry's arms this morning? How drunk was I? This isn't how I act at all. For that matter, Gaurry was acting really strange last night too. Something is really wrong. The way Asuka and I were blushing and fawning of Gaurry last night... you'd think we were both after..." "Sausage?" "NO!" Lina shot up straight in her chair, and almost fell. Amelia was now more confused. "Oh well. More for the rest of us then." She puttered off towards the table. Lina blinked. Kaji wiped his hands on a towel, and then stood behind Misato. "You seem awfully wound up, Misato." He placed his hands on her shoulders, and began a light neck rub. She slapped his hands away. "Knock it off, buster. I haven't forgiven you yet." Shrugging, Kaji sat at the table, and began to eat. "I think you need a big one." Misato's hair stood on end. Kaji looked down. "No thanks, I already have one." He pointed at the sausage on his plate. Misato stabbed him with her fork. Then she thought about it, and stabbed him again, for good measure. Asuka had taken the seat directly across the square table from Rei, leaving Shinji to very reluctantly sit between them. Shinji seemed to be blushing a bit, as he aimlessly pushed his fork around in his breakfast. Asuka's breakfast was smouldering under the death glare she refused to let show in front of Kaji. Rei calmly drank her tea. Amelia sat at the table across from Shinji, still holding the plush Sailor Moon and Shinji dolls, beaming. She served herself, Asuka and Shinji, but ran out before she got to Rei. "Oh no, I'm all out. Shinji, give Rei your meat." Asuka choked. Shinji froze. Rei raised an eyebrow in classic Spock fashion. "I don't like meat." she replied. Asuka violently stabbed a sausage with her fork, and tore a piece off with her teeth. "Well she's not getting anything from me!" Amelia, deciding anything she didn't understand wasn't important, turned to Rei. "How did you sleep I slept very well I had a room all to myself Look at the cute things I found in there!" Amelia pushed the plush dolls into Rei's face. Asuka looked over, and blinked. Then she blinked again, and her eyes became REALLY wide. Shinji scratched his head. "A room to yourself? Well, you weren't in my room, or Misato's room, or the living room, that would only leave..." Asuka gritted her teeth. "Exactly how is it 'Just' to take and wear other people's things?" I mean, these OBVIOUSLY aren't mine. And I really doubt that they're Shinji's or Misato's. They must belong to the apartment's previous occupants. Yes,.... YES", she added as if to convince herself and the others. "IF that's the case, they must have been in a really hard to find spot in my room where no one would go looking for them? Soooo..... maybeyoushouldjustleavethemwithmeforsafekeepingok?" Asuka snatched the plush items, clutching them possessively to her chest. A silence fell across that end of the table. Amelia blinked slowly. "Ookay. But they weren't really hidden. They were just in a cardboard box hidden behind some stacks of 'Teen Heartthrob' magazines." Shinji, sensing a rare opening, attacked. "The box wouldn't by any chance be labelled 'Asuka's box of very private things, peek on penalty of horribly painful death; Shinji this means you'?" Amelia thought for a moment. "I think so." She brightened. "But I'm not Shinji, so I didn't think it meant me." Asuka leapt to her feet, frustrated beyond the need to hide embarrassment. "I don't believe this! Nobody around here gives me the least respect! You touched my favourite things. Nobody touches my favourite things!" Asuka felt a rubbing against her thigh. She looked down, and found Pen Pen cuddling up against her. "..." Shinji put on a WWI helmet, and ducked under the table. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" "SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Half a dozen very hung over people hushed Asuka into next week. Later, the students and Misato were cleaning up after breakfast, and Kaji was taking the opportunity to shower and not shave his stubble. There came a knock at the door, which Misato answered. A small girl in a yellow dress frowned cutely up at her. Misato looked confused. "Um. Yes?" "It's 10:30am. Do you know where your children are?" The girl asked in a sweet voice. "Of course, they're right here. They're getting ready for schoWHAT TIME DID YOU SAY IT WAS?" Misato grabbed Hinako's wrist, and stared at the watch. "Oh hell! I'm late!" Misato grabbed a red jacket off the coat rack, and bolted out the door. A moment later, a squeal of abused tires indicated she was well on her way to work. Hinako shrugged, and walked into the apartment. The first person she found was Amelia. Amelia stared at her, then yelled over her shoulder. "Lina! That girl with the really neat spell you want to learn is here!" [camera cuts to the outside of the apartment.] "DELINQUENTS!" *Ka-BOOOM!* A few minutes later, a much more full-bodied Hinako walked towards the school, leading the troupe of drained students. They wore leg-irons, and were manacled together as a chain-gang. Gaurry stumbled, and stared mournfully into the sky. *My name is Gaurry Gabriev, and I am a slave.* ------------------------- Another day at the office ------------------------- Misato dropped, exhausted from running, into her chair. She pushed the sleeves of the jacket up for the umpteenth time. In her rush, she'd taken Gaurry's jacket, and it was a bit big for her. Maya Ibuki gingerly walked in, and sat at her console with exaggerated care. She was wearing dark sunglasses, and seemed to be wincing a lot. Misato smiled at Maya's well-recognized discomfort. "Rough night, Maya?" Maya fumbled in her desk, retrieving a bottle of Tokyo, uh, Tylenol-3. She took two. "Um. You could say that, Commander. I drank a little more than I ought to have." "Oh really?" Misato jested, giving Maya a playful jab in the shoulder. "And how many would that be?" "Um, I had about eight Margaritas over the night... I think." Maya looked a bit sheepish. "Eight? Is that all? Naga and I split a bottle of vodka, as well as who knows how many beer chasers, and look at me!" Misato, in a show of comraderie, threw a beer-buddy arm across Maya's shoulders, and gestured wildly with her free arm. "Ah, I remember the good old university days. Why, I could count the days we didn't pass out on the fingers of one hand. If I could remember them." Maya felt odd. "Misato's got that whole 'I can take on the world' attitude going again. She's so... inspirational. I feel like I could do anything with her. Beside me." Misato continued on, oblivious. "Yep, those were the days. Now we all have to be responsible. No more fun and games for me and Ritsuko. You should have seen her back then. She was a wild thing, always game to try something new." Misato casually leaned back in her office chair, stretching out her long legs, and crossing them on the desk in front of Maya. Maya stared, her mind going in circles. The doctor being discussed chose this moment to walk in. "What are you babbling about now, Misato?" "Oh, hey Rit-chan. I was just reminiscing to Maya about our old school days together." "Oh, really?" Dr. Akagi sat on the edge of the desk beside Misato's feet, her lab coat falling partially off of her shoulders. Ritsuko smiled coyly, toying with her zipper pull ring. Maya was transfixed, staring wide-eyed as the scene before her played itself out. Ritsuko continued. "Did you tell her about that time you and I got really, REALLY drunk, and went back to your dorm room? We were so silly, we started to tickle each other, then you fell, tripping me too. We must have rolled around for five minutes getting our limbs sorted out, and you ripped my dress." She absentmindedly trailed a finger over Misato's leg. Maya was turning blue, afraid to breathe. Misato frowned. "Ritsuko, are you okay? I don't remember that." Dr. Akagi started, and stood up, looking honestly baffled. "Sorry, I'm under a lot of stress today. Fixing Eva-01 after that fall, analysing that strange energy reading from the battle, and everything else. You know how it is. No rest for the wicked." "Ah, I understand. There's been a lot of weird going around lately. More than usual I mean." Misato waved dismissively, and the left sleeve of the jacket fell down over her hand. "Damn. This stupid jacket of Gaurry's is just too damn big." Misato and Ritsuko stood up and headed for the door, planning to visit Ritsuko's lab to check on the latest data. While they walked, Misato went off on a rant. "While I'm thinking about it, what the heck is with marketing? We're getting more inane every day. I mean, an Eva in a dress? With a wand? I dread to see what they're going to throw at us next." Maya missed the conversation, lost in her own thoughts. "What in blazes was that all about?? That was even stranger than what happened between Asuka and that blond last night. Come to think of it though, it was the same kind of strange. Could the two be connected? What was different about Misato that would cause Dr. Akagi to act that way?" Ritsuko smiled at Misato. "Hey, look on the bright side. At least they didn't summon that stupid multi-part combiner robot those idiot Americans are working on." The two left the room. Maya leapt to her feet, knocking the Tylenol bottle to the floor. "THE JACKET!" ------------------------------------ Kozo's been a naughty extra ------------------------------------ The rhythmic steps reverberated off the walls of the cold, empty hallway that lead to the office of Gendo Ikari. He always hated this long walk. He had hated his job ever since the maniacal Gendo Ikari had stepped into his life. "Why did I stay on?", he asked himself; as if the echoing walls would provide an answer. "Because I thought I could make a difference, that I could guide NERV away from this path of ultimate self-destruction and reason Gendo into an alternate course of action.... but mostly for the benefits package. Oh well, time to face the music." Pressing his hand against the electronic pad, Fuyutsuki waited for the automatic door to slide open. Thereupon, he entered the office of his superior, the Supreme Tactical Commander of NERV, Gendo Ikari. "Gendo? Gendo?" He was answered by silence. It was only mid-morning so the sun lay to the East. The light that entered the room provided ample room for concealment. "Computer, illuminate room." Nothing. "Oh right, I'm not in a Star Trek fic.". He flicked the light switch to the 'on' position. Lights brightened the entire room. The room was devoid of life, save himself. Walking over to Gendo's desk, he came across 3 items of interest: A note addressed to him, a sealed envelope and a tape recorder. The instructions on the note were simple, "Play tape. Open envelope afterwards." Fuyusuki depressed the play button. " [static hiss]..... Oh, Oh Gendo!... OH! Oh, you're not recording this are you?...", declared a taped voice that sounded suspiciously like Dr. Akagi. "Would you care to try an 'insertion plug' test, dear?" said Gendo. Kozo decided to fast-forward. "[the squeaky fast-forward resolved itself into a young male's voice] ..... Oh, Oh Gendo!... OH! Oh, keep it down, someone will hear you! Are you sure you're not recording this?...". Fuyusuki decided to fast-forward, again; quickly. There is a long period of silence, then tone. "Is this thing on?... Hello? Testing 1-2-3. Good Morning Mr. Phelps. What? *mumbling off in the background* Oh. Sorry. Wrong script. Here we go. Good morning Kozo." said the recording of Gendo's voice. "I'm sorry that I could not be there to deliver this message in person, but I am required on a procurement mission for the Seele Council for new equipment that may prove useful to us in future marketing ploys. In the meantime, you have some duties that must be attended to." "Oh, just peachy." thought Fuyusuki. "To begin with, you will be in charge of masking my absence while I am not present. You have no authority to do anything or sign any orders without my permission. I expect you'll not have any trouble with that. "WHAT! Why have you stripped all my power you infernal machine!" Kozo smacked the hand held recorder in his rage. "The reason for your current state of 'authoritative impotency' stems from the decision you reached yesterday concerning our current pilots 'extracurricular activities'. We received the bill this morning. You may open the envelope now if you wish." "Hrmph! And what makes you think that I didn't open it already you putz?" Fuyusuki replied as he tore open the letter. "Because through the diligent service of my MIB's I know everything Kozo." said the well-timed recording. "I even know about your, shall we say, 'preferred form of undergarment'?" Fuyusuki could just picture the MIB's delivering their report to Gendo as he listened over his steepled fingers; ending their commentary with the words, 'pink, with little blue bears'. "In any event, since I approved the event under YOUR advisement, I've delegated the responsibility of receiving the punishment to you as well. Because of this extravagant bill, you will be given no pay for the next 3 months. Furthermore you will have to pay for this incurred cost out of your own savings. But, to end on a positive note, I've recorded the latest concert from Michael Bolton on this tape, so... enjoy! Back in a couple of weeks. Love, Gendo Ikari" "200,000,000 Yen!" he read. "This is intolerable!" Just then, the Michael Bolton music began to play, and Fuyutsuki corrected himself, "on second thought, THIS is intolerable." "I, Kozo Fuyutsuki, voted most likely to be made an 'extra' in an Evangelion fic by my graduating class, do hereby promise, nay, SWEAR that I shall have my revenge on Commander Gendo Ikari!" "Oh, by the way Kozo. This message will self destruct in 5 seconds." "You must be kidding." [Camera cuts to the outside of NERV HQ.] *Ka-BOOOM!*. Cutting back we see Kozo, holding the tape and bill in one hand. The other hand (and indeed that half of his body) is now a pleasant crispy black. "Perhaps not." ----------- School Daze ----------- The motley crew stood outside their classroom, each holding buckets of water. Lina grumped at the world in general. "Well here we are with placards around our necks, described as a bunch of hostile, disruptive students with no regard for authority. That's some reputation." Shinji stretched his sore arms. "Well, at least we're not described as a bunch of hostile, disruptive students with no regard for human life." Asuka hit him with a bucket. "See?" Shinji sighed. Gaurry scratched his nose with a free finger. "Can you tell me why are we holding buckets?" Hikari looked at him funny. "How far out of town are you from? This is a traditional punishment in all Japanese schools." The default professor suck his head out from the classroom at the 'disruptive' bunch as the remainder of the class began to file out. "Well, it's just about lunchtime. You might as well head off to have your lunch; I hear they're serving Mystery Meat today with extra grey sauce." Kensuke, not quite over the effects of last night turned grey. They teacher went on, "Well, then again, there's always the Soylent Green." Kensuke turned green. "Not up for solid foods eh? Well here," trying to be helpful to the obviously suffering student. "You can have my Mr. Pibb." No one saw Kensuke leave. There was only a blur that headed in the general direction of the bathroom. The rest of the gang shrugged, and headed to lunch, Gaurry snagging the Pibb on the way. Lunch was, thankfully, uneventful. The students dutifully filed into the room, and sat at their desks. What was odd was the teacher was acting uncharacteristically nervous. He fidgeted, loosened his collar, and cleared his throat. "Your attention please. I have just been informed by the administration that my methods of teaching have failed to meet the expectations and requirements laid out in the guidelines. I'm to go in for a refresher course. In the meantime, your class will be taught by this man." The teacher gestured to the door, and a scruffy looking man wearing a lab coat walked in and proceeded to the front of the room. Murmurs ran through the class. "A substitute?", " You mean the old fart got canned?", "Does this mean we're actually going to have to study?", "Where are his eyes?", "Yeah, and how does he get that cigarette to levitate in front of his mouth?" The scruffy man smiled. "Hello, class. I'm Professor Kyusaku, and I'll be teaching your class for a while. According to our records, your education has been lacking in both the literary and scientific arts. So to try to correct those problems, I'm instituting two special projects. First, for the literary angle, we will be studying and performing a play. For science, a team science project." This revelation was met with shock and a profound silence by the students. Toji was the first to get his jaw working. "But- but- but plays are girls stuff!" Toji's hair began to smoulder as he was bracketed by twin glares of doom from Asuka and Hikari. "Okay, now we're going to have a vote to decide what play we should do. Please write your suggestions on paper and put them in this bowl." Kyusaku walked around the room, collecting the slips of paper. He brought them to the front, and counted them. Slightly more than half of the class voted for Snow White, with Mystery Kung-Fu Ninja Action Theatre a close second. And there was one vote for Waiting for Godot. Everyone in class stared at Rei. "What?" Kyusaku rubbed his scraggly chin. "Okay, so it looks like we're doing Snow White then. Now, I realize that everyone will want to play the main characters, but that just isn't possible. So, for lack of a more fair way to do it, I've put all the girls names into this bowl, and all the guys in this one. We'll simply draw for roles and understudies." A sense of terrible foreboding settled over the class. Shinji slapped a hand to his forehead as the teacher wrote the available roles on the blackboard (including rock #1-#3, trees #1 and #2, and numerous extraneous extras). "Oh this is going to be baaaad." "Okay, starting with the most desired role. Snow White will be played by-urk-" Kyusaku grimaced as Asuka, out of sight, applied a nasty nerve pinch. "Uh-Miss Langley-Soryuu." "What? Little ol' me?" Asuka happily bounced back to her seat, followed by withering glares from most of her female classmates. "Um. Right. Understudy to the role will be..." Kyusaku checked the slip. "Miss Inverse." Amelia smiled at her friend. "How perfect Miss Lina! Nobody will be able to tell if you have to trade places with miss Asuka!" Lina just sighed and put her head in her hands. "The wicked queen will be played by Miss Amelia Saillune." Many, many jaws hit the floor. "But, but," Amelia's eyes filled with tears, "I can't play the wicked queen. Being wicked is unjust. I don't know how to be unjust!" "...understudied by," Kyusaku squinted at the paper, scratched his head, and shrugged. "Miss Great White Serpent." Naga shot to her feet. "What!? I, the great Naga, greatest rival of Lina Inverse, am to be an UNDERSTU-"WHACK! Naga toppled over backwards as a piece of high-velocity chalk ricocheted off the bridge of her nose. The rest of the class became very well behaved. Kyusaku adjusted his cigarette, and picked up a new piece of chalk. "If we can continue? The Mirror will be played by Miss Ayanami, understudied by Miss Hikari Horaki." Rei just nodded, but Hikari looked nervous, and bit her lip. "For the male roles, Prince Charming will be understudied by Mr. Gabriev." Asuka got a wild gleam in her eye. "Oh he will, will he? I imagine he'll bring his own props, too..." Another fine Asuka plot began to gestate. "The actual role of Prince Charming will be played by..." Time seemed to slow. Every male student had the same thoughts running through their head. Asuka was Snow White. Prince Charming gets to kiss Snow White. That would mean kissing Asuka. It was a wonderful prospect, save for the fact that it might be the last thing Prince Charming ever did. Who would be the 'lucky' man? "...Shinji Ikari." Shinji's head fell to his desk with a bang. "Figures." "Because of the small size of this class, I think we should mix the Dwarves as both boys and girls." Kyusaku began rattling off roles and names. Most were uninspired, but there were a few serendipitous selections. "Whaddaya mean I gotta be Grumpy?" Toji fumed. Well, duh. -------------------------------------- Where Angels Fear^H^H^H^HLike to Tread -------------------------------------- The Great C'Thulu, unchallenged lord of icky, nasty things everywhere, adjusted his reading glasses and shuffled some papers on his desk. "According to this Memo, the powers that be are unsatisfied with this committee's efforts of late. We're being assigned two observers, who will report back on our work. They also have advisory authority." Sachiel slouched in his chair. "Oh sure, 'advisory authority'. That means we have to pander to these buttinskis or we get tanked." Sachiel rattled the icebergs in his water glass. "This wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been relying on Frink's gizmo." "Gizmo? I'll give you such a wa-hey zing ka-pow for gizmo! The Frinkotron is the most state-of-the-art device for collating, cross-referencing and extrapolating data on the terror-inducing qualities of Angel names ever built! Powered by a linked pair of S-2 engines, it can do fifteen scadzillion uber-flops a fortnight! And it runs linux!" Before the discussion could degenerate into a brawl (or, more likely, Sachiel just stepped on Frink), the doors to the room creaked open, drawing the committee's attention. There didn't seem to be anyone there. "Down here." C'Thulu looked down. He still didn't see anyone. "No, further down." C'Thulu looked right at the floor, squinting to make out the shapes there. They appeared to be lab mice... with M&M's glued to their chests. C'Thulu rubbed his temples. He felt a headache coming on. "Aren't you a bit short for Angels?" The large-headed of the pair spoke. "It's a trick of perspective. I'm actually just very far away." Sachiel pulled out a pair of opera glasses to help him see the new arrivals. "Do you two have names?" He asked incredulously. "I," spoke the large-headed one, "am Brainiel. This is my associate, Pinkyel." "Narf." The skinny one waved. Frink, not trusting his eyes, took his glasses off, polished them, put them back on, and looked again. "YOU are an Angel?" "Actually, I'm a lab mouse with an M&M glued to my chest as part of an elaborate scheme that will allow me to take over the world." Sachiel shook his head in wonder. "Wow. You sound totally convincing. I wish I could think of cunning plans to infiltrate NERV like that. All I could think of was to take them head on." C'Thulu clapped his hands for attention. "Enough chit-chat. Now that we're all here, we should get to the matter at hand." The Great Old One pushed a button on his desk. "Please send in the next candidate, Ms. Moneypenny." The titanic door to the committee chamber swung open, and the latest Angel walked in. It, like many of its predecessors (Sachiel included) was shaped as a caricature of the human form. In this case, four rubbery limbs stretched from a spherical torso, with another sphere on top for the head. The hands and feet were plump and oversized, the hands having three chubby fingers and a thumb each. The head was decorated garishly, with a clownish mockery of a human face, including pointed, curly tufts of 'hair' that jutted out of either side of the head. As it entered, the committee realized that despite its enormous size and mass, it moved in utter silence. The committee watched it approach, and waited for it to identify itself. It stopped before them and stood there, silent and unmoving. This went on for a while. Frink coughed uncomfortably. C'Thulu leaned over (and down) to whisper to Brainiel. "I wasn't expecting this. Is this some new procedure I've not been informed of?" Brainiel rubbed his chin in consternation. "If so, I have not been informed, either." The new Angel, seemingly out of boredom, changed positions. It stuck its right elbow out, crossed its legs, and proceeded to alternately examine and buff on its chest the backs of its fingers. Sachiel would have blinked in confusion if it had eyelids. "Ooh, ooh!" Pinkyel hopped up and down. "I know this one! Leaning on a ledge, right?" The new Angel smiled, nodded, and proceeded to another set of actions. "Climbing a rope?" Nod. "Walking down stairs?" Nod. "Feeding spaghetti to an elephant?" Nod. "Gosh, I'm good at this!" The remainder of the Angel naming committee was dumbstruck. Frink's jaw worked uselessly for a while, but he managed to squeak out: "Wah-ho. It's a- it's a- it's a silent street performing clown of the French tradition, yang wah-hey pow." Brainiel's eyes filled with horror. "It's a MIME." C'Thulu slumped in his chair, and buried his tentacles in his hands. "I think I can safely say we're all agreed on a name for.. for THAT." Four voices spoke in unison, there was only one dissenter. "Marcel" "Zort!" -------------------- The play's the thing -------------------- The following Saturday, the pilots walked towards the school, where a rehearsal of the play was scheduled. This was also the first day they would try on their costumes. "Hey, Shinji, nice jacket." Toji remarked as he came up alongside the third child. Shinji looked at the red jacket tossed casually over his right shoulder, and shrugged. "This? This is Gaurry's. Misato finally remembered she'd taken it by accident, so she sent it with me since I'll be seeing him today." "That was a good idea." Hikari remarked, without looking. "Whatever." Shinji sighed in a familiarly disaffected (yet, somehow, much cooler than normal) way. As they approached the auditorium, they noticed a crowd of girls milling around the entrance. The girls were whispering and giggling to each other, and seemed to be holding coil notebooks. Then the girls noticed the pilots, and squealed "It's PRINCE CHARMING!" Abruptly, Shinji was surrounded. "Can I have your autograph?", "Sign mine first!", "It's for my sister, not me, really!", "Sign mine 'thanks for the support, Achika, keep dreams alive!'" Shinji dutifully signed all the books, then walked on. Inside, Toji blinked and shook his head. "What the hell was THAT all about?" Shinji merely shrugged, tossed the jacket over the back of a chair, and walked off to change into costume. Inside the auditorium was a hive of activity, with students running everywhere setting up the stage and trying to get used to their costumes. Lina, Gaurry, Amelia and Naga were doing much better than the others, as the gowns and dress uniform were actually familiar to them. Plus, three of them had experience with the theatre. "Oh Miss Lina!" Amelia gushed. "Isn't it great to be back in show business? Ah, the lights, the roar of the crowd, the smell of greasepaint! I'd forgotten how wonderful it all was! This time, instead of playing the dashing, fearless, very cute heroine, I'll be cunning, heartless, very beautiful villainess! What a chance to stretch my dramatic breadth!" Amelia mooned around the room, stars in her eyes and a constellation of little hearts floating along after her. Naga gagged visibly. Gaurry adjusted the Sword of Light on the tacky baldric that was part of his costume, then scratched his head. "This time? Lina, what is she talking about? When did we do Snow White before?" Lina pulled up her skirts and gave Gaurry a swift kick in the rear. "She doesn't mean Snow White specifically, moron. She means being in a play. You DO remember that time we hid out with that travelling performance of 'The Righteous End of the Terrible Demon Lina Inverse' or whatever that tripe was called? You and I were the front and back ends of the 'Dragon Slave'? Am I ringing ANY bells?" "Oh! I remember now! The food wasn't very good, the costume smelled bad, and you kept hitting me in the back of the head." Gaurry thought for a moment or eight, then smiled. "But there's no Dragon in Snow White, so everything will be fine." Lina, unable to counter that, just sighed and walked off. "Why do I have to be rock #3?" Kensuke griped. "Because there are no dwarves in this scene, and the regular guy made his costume too realistic and dropped it on his foot." Hikari explained, deadpan, while going over her own lines. Toji looked concerned. "You okay Hikari? You've been sounding, I dunno, a little flat lately." Hikari looked up slowly, and fixed Toji with an unblinking stare. "I am supposed to understudy Rei as the mirror. It is my purpose." Toji didn't look satisfied, but let it go. Shinji, having changed into costume, walked back to the group. "I really hate this get-up." Shinji pulled at one of his swash-topped boots, tightening the buckle. "These red tights are cutting off my- circulation." Kensuke snickered impishly. "[bad British accent] Cor, it takes a real manly man to wear tights." Asuka bapped him in the back of the head. "Shut up, you're a rock." "Oh," Naga interjected, "and you are a pure and virtuous maiden, of course." "Excuse me?! To whom do you think you're speaking? Miss UNDERSTUDY?" Naga looked confused. "Aren't you an understudy too?" "No, stupid," Lina walked up behind Naga, wearing exactly the same dress as Asuka. "I'M the understudy." Naga scratched her head, then dismissed it as yet another totally unimportant thing she didn't understand. Amelia bounced over. "C'mon sis! You promised me you'd teach me to laugh evilly so I could perform my role better." Amelia grabbed Naga's arm, and hauled the older sorceress to the other side of the room. Moments later, laughter of varying evil drifted back. Kensuke sighed. "I had no idea putting on a play was so much work. I certainly wasn't expecting any weekend rehearsals. This is terrible!" Toji lumbered over in his dwarf costume. "What's the matter Aida? Planning to camp out in a field and shoot a toy gun at helpless grass again?" Kensuke shook his head. "No, there's a big science fiction/Star Trek/Anime con down at the new Tokyo-3 Convention Centre. There's supposed to be all kinds of really neat stuff there, plus lots of special guests! Man, I wish I was down there." ------------------------------------------------- Tap personal incarnation to deal 5 damage to plot ------------------------------------------------- The Con that Kensuke mentioned was none other than the Gainax Pan-Dimensional Ultra Anime, RPG and Star Trek Con. The latter half of that title was a result of the con's co-sponsor, Planet Hollywood-3. The result of this was, well, moderately horrifying to say the least. Firstly, the guest list featured none other than the' Patrick Stewart (his body being cryogenically preserved since 2003 and only thawed out for con's and really bad fanfics) complete with special 'mystery guest'. As to who the accompanying visitor would be, only time would tell. Something in the program alluded to an appearance of actor David Ducovney and PC gaming's hottest lady. Unfortunately, all of the programs seemed to have the same anomalous printing error which blotted out key words here and there. The remainder of the guest list well,... featured some other attempts that 'former freelance writers' for Gainax had latched upon. Montgomery Burns looked down from his perch atop the newly built convention centre. "Look at them Smithers. All those science fiction buffoons lining up in their ancient 'trekkie' uniforms, dying to give us their hard earned dollars." "I believe the national unit of currency in Japan is the Yen sir.", replied his faithful manservant Waylan Smithers. "Are all the preparations ready for our conventioneers?" "Yes sir. The walls of the centre were soundproofed so there will be no violation of noise statutes, all the merchandise has bee laid out for sale and all the performers and all but one of the Eva lecturers has been accounted for." Jin Hibiki, 'another' 4th child, son of the martial artist Ryoga Hibiki and his wife Akari, a sumo pig trainer, stood looking out at the landscape before him. He was 'yet another' EVA pilot. He had inherited much of his father's brawn and skill. Unfortunately he had also inherited his father's sense of direction. "Um,... excuse me Mr. Sheep Herder? Could you point me to Tokyo-3?" Replied the shepherd, "Shurin'a leprechaun's green I ha'en't te foggiest as tae what yar on aboot laddie.". Jin sighed. Back in Tokyo-3, Smithers continued. "Oh,... and the Palladium lecturer will also be delayed too." Burns murmured, "Very well. Release the hounds!" "Hounds sir?" "Didn't you order the man-eating dogs?" "Um,.. Sir? When you said to get dogs suitable for the consumption of humans, I assumed you meant frankfurters." "Doooh.... never mind. Let them in...", Burns was not happy. The throng of red-shirted fanboys (and the occasional fangirl) poured in from the crowded street into the convention centre. Some carried toy phasers, others shopping bags. As the press of bodies entered the convention centre, they were greeted by a HUGE billboard and stage. Along the rim of the stage were signs saying, "See the amazing '6th Children' of Evangelion: Tom Dyron, master of music, martial arts and all things under heaven (except grammar) perform LIVE!" Upon the stage was an uberkid. He had black hair tied in a pony tail, dark brown eyes, and was wearing very large jeans. Some described him as a six footed individual, but those people were dumb. Dragons Of Doom was the name of the band plastered across the canvas behind him. The teen then began to mercilessly beat upon his instrument in a fashion that some would call 'music' but what most would equate to an accurate rendition of the brutal massacre of one thousand badly tuned cats.... and then he started to sing... "Smithers! What is that horrid sound!", yelled Burns to his assistant over the din. "Tom! Dyron! Sir! One of our. Failed. Avatars!" Smithers replied. "Can we stop him?!" "Not until he's finished his first set... sir!". His hands covered his ears in desperate hopes of muffling the sound. "Smithers?!" Burns sounded "I don't think... I can... Take... Much.... More.", Burns slumped to the floor. "Sir!" Smithers voice over the dying din of the Tom Dyron's song carried with it a ray of hope, "Look! The attendees are forming into an angry mob! They're stopping the music and dragging Tom away to be burned at the stake!" "We don't have to rescue him, do we?" Burn's voice was plaintive. Smithers helped up his superior, "All in good time sir. All in good time." They watched on with smug looks upon their faces as the 6th Children was dragged off despite his cries of, "What's going on?!", "Why aren't you agreeing with me?!", "I'm too cool to die!" We move out over the throng. The convention was now in full swing. Off in the Star Trek section, classic red shirts copied from the original series sold like hot cakes. All classic nostalgia was marked for sale. The stage and podium where Cpt. Picard and 'guest' were scheduled to arrive were set and waiting. The fervour had yet to reach the RPG section of the con as the guest lecturer from Palladium had once again been delayed. No one understood why this delay occurred but they were hardly surprised. They knew Palladium far too well. In the anime branch, the cash-cow that was Evangelion was being thoroughly milked; their latest edition, 1/200 scale remote controlled Eva's (extension cord not included). In this area, two separate sets of stages had been erected across from each other: one contained 2 lecterns, the other was more like a booth upon a platform. Upon the lecterns stood 'yet another' 5th and 6th children in their plug suits. A crowd had gathered in front of them, not because they were interested in what they had to say, but more so because they were wondering who would throw the first punch. The little boy laughed and sayed "My name is Issei Malatioun, Eva Kid 6. I may be only 12 but I'm 1000 times smarter than you, bro!!!!" "First off you green haired freak, I'm NOT a bro, I'm a girl!" said the figure at the other podium. "Cooda fowled me." replyed Issei "What? What are,... oh never mind. Second, aside from being much smarter and a thousand times prettier than you, I'm at least of legal age!" "Four what?" "Well, first off, for carrying pistols. And secondly, at least I don't have sex with people who urinate in their beds all the time." "Donut ya be sayed that about Shiji, Lia Fester" "It's Shinji! And my name is LISA, Lisa Foster. God, use a spellchecker you twerp." Issei polled out his Sword of Power (where he was hiding it, I'd rather not know) and tsalked towards Lia, "I's gonna get yu ^@%$#!." Lisa waved her hand in a pointless display of Author Avatar power, parrying the sword with a blast from her AT Field. "And another thing, what was with that fire hose you had in your fic? An Eva-scale water hose used to defeat a fire demon? Really." Issei, desperate to find a counter attack to her line of interrogation played his trump card, "Wall at lest I didn't slepp with da entire female cast of Eva. Even Rei." The debate between the two erupted into a cat fight. It was an unspoken agreement among those witnessing the proceedings that when the two avatars had expended their wrath upon each other, that they would simply be tied up and carried to the open pit where the con attendees had prepared the pyre in which to burn Tom Dyron. "Well then," said an amplified British voice from across the isle. "Now that that's settled, perhaps we can get on with a decent lecture." The voice belonged to that of a young boy, somewhere between the ages of 14 and 16. In a painstaking process that took several paragraphs to explain, he put down the book he had been reading in silence and approached the front stage. "It's quite obvious that I'm the event you're here to see. And, as advertised in our poorly printed programs, I'll be happy to sign all your autographs." the overly cocky young man added. From the audience, the obvious question arose. "Um,.... Who the hell are you?" "Why I'm DJ Croft; Glorious 5th Child from Neon Exodus Evangelion." "Where's Lara?!" the now angry voice shouted back. "Where's Fox Mulder (David Ducovney)?!" another voice added. "Well, I'll answer the last question first." said DJ. "David's either in British Columbia or Los Angeles. As for my Mom, *scoffs* do you really think she'd lower herself by appearing to the likes of you? You should be grateful _I_ came. Why, if I didn't realize how much every woman on Earth wants my body and could never say no to me, I'd hardly have had any motivation to come at all." This particular tirade was a bit much for the crowd. All in all, DJ wasn't all that bad; certainly the lesser of the evils present. He was very articulate and he did have the decency to spell check his work, but he HAD to pay for that attitude and his innate (or inane) ability to be good at almost everything he did. As a mass, the crowd began to advance on him. There's no justice like mob justice. Sensing his imminent demise, DJ unholstered his pistols, pointing them at the crowd. "Back off, and nobody gets hurt." "Drop your weapon. You have 20 seconds to comply." Out of the crowd emerged our now infamous pair of MIBs. "You again! I though I sent you packing in my fic?" DJ yelled. "Not a chance Croft. Just put down the guns and come with us and nobody will get hurt", stated the second in dead even tones. "You're just trying to get back at me for what I did to you in Chapter one of Neon Exodus." Said the first MIB to his partner, "I think he's trying to resist arrest." The MIB smiled; it was disturbing. Replying, while snapping on a rubber glove pulled from his pocket, the partner added, "You know what that means. DJ Croft, we're taking you into custody for an immediate full cavity search." "I gotted gunz two. Ya wanna striping me?" sayed Issei happily, still in the middle of his own battle with Lia. "LISA!" she yelled, grabbing his skull and pounding it into the stage, "My *smack* name *smack* is *smack* LISA! *smack*." "No," muttered the MIB. "We want all your weapons to STAY concealed." "Sod off coppa!", yelled DJ as he backed off searching for an escape route. Finding none, he added, "And what'll you do if I refuse?" "Simple," replied the MIB, unfazed. "We'll let Issei perform the search instead of us." When confronted with the possibility of that particular horror, DJ quickly acquiesced. "I'll be good." He was lead off by the MIBs. --------------------- Meet the back up cast --------------------- Maya sat at her station, staring at her readouts without seeing them. "I've got to find that jacket that Misato was wearing, but she's gone back to wearing her regular one." Hyuuga leaned back in his chair and looked over at Maya. "Hey, Maya, Aoba and I were talking. He seems to have gotten two tickets to the new Dragons of Doom concert, while I have the same number of tickets for the newest production of 'Cats'." Maya didn't respond, still lost in thought. "It couldn't have just disappeared, where could it be?" Aoba, who was standing, put his hands on the back of Maya's chair. "What we're trying to say is that we'd both like to take you out." "That jacket is the key to everything, I must find it!" Maya still hadn't heard a word the two had spoken, but figured she'd better say something soon to get them to leave her alone. Hyuuga chortled. "I think what Aoba REALLY is asking is for you to ride his baloney pony." "Okay, I'll get right on it." Aoba choked, and Hyuuga tipped his chair over backwards. Misato walked over and glared at the three of them. "Hey, enough with the rough-housing. We ARE supposed to be on duty here." Maya turned and studied her console intently, and nervously. "Oh don't worry Captain. Nothing could be better. The sun is shining, there isn't a cloud in the sky, traffic is flowing well, and the blue pattern is well over thirty minutes away. Blue pattern?" Hyuuga leapt to his feet, managing to get his chair upright in the process. The command centre became a hive of activity as Misato slapped on the alarm and started yelling orders into a phone. "Get me the pilots!" --------------------------------------------- To boldly go where bad taste has gone before. --------------------------------------------- At the con, we move on from our first collection of literary atrocities, and turn our attention back to the Palladium Pavilion. The lecturer has been delayed; again. Wasting no time here, we turn to gaze upon the Star Trek theatrical stage. It is done up to resemble one of the typically corny planets from the first series, plastic plants, Styrofoam rocks and all. Crowds gathered in front of the primary stage where Patrick Stewart plus guest were about the appear. "Space, the final frontier." Boomed a loud voice over the sound system "These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's 45 year syndicated mission. To explore new plot devices. To seek out new forms of profitably. To boldly go where no fanboy has gone before." As the theme music crescendoes, from the ceiling, a pillar of blue light and sparkly bits of paper descended to the stage. As the light faded and the bits fell, a figure emerged to the cheer of the crowd: Patrick Stewart, Cpt. Jean Luc Picard. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the Star Trek Convention." More cheers erupted from the crowd. "That won't last long." thinks Stewart. "And now," he announces, "the person you've all been waiting for..." A collective "Hunh?" came from the crowd, which had assumed that everyone here was coming to see Stewart. No guest he could bring along (save the deceased Gene Roddenberry himself) could possibly outweigh him in terms of importance. "Do I really have to read this piece of tripe?" he whispered off stage. A mournful nod was the only response he received from the convention director. Aloud, "... the cutest, most talented and most brilliant girl in all of Starfleet. My *chokes* -adopted- daughter, Marissa Picard." Though the column of light repeated itself and Marissa emerged, only the barest smattering of applause could be heard. She was a 16 year old blonde with her hair in a ponytail. She sported a red command suit which was reading very high on the polyester meter. She was preternaturally happy despite the distinct lack of enthusiasm at her appearance. "Hi everybody. And welcome to My con! I'm Marissa Picard, and you've already met my daddy!", she glomped onto Stewart. "Now now Marissa, it's -adopted- daddy and even then, it's only acting" "Oh that's not important Daddy. What is important is that you and all of my fans are proud of all my achievements; like the time you left me in charge of the Saucer Section of the Enterprise and I saved Earth from that Cardassian invasion lead by Gul Ducat?" "Invasion? You mean the ONE SHIP they sent to Earth? That invasion'?" "Ok,.... Or what about that time I single handedly defeated the Klingon empire armed with only the moon's gravitational pull and chewing gum?" Patrick Stewart groaned, this was going to be a VERY long con. ------------------------------------- Angels we have heard on,... Hi ------------------------------------- The city sank, the Evas rose. The pilots readied themselves for battle, pulling an assortment of weapons and implements of mass destruction from the various armament buildings. Given that they knew the incoming vector of the angel in question (dubbed Marcel by a confused looking Cmndr. Fuyutsuki who was reading the name off a hastily scribbled postcard), they assumed a semicircular formation to greet the newcomer with open arms (firearms that is). The girls took point, the rookies took inner circle and Shinji held the centre. "Asuka," asked Misato, "You should be the first person to have visual, what does our next contestant look like?" Peering, she replied, "I... What the? Shinji, back me up on this." Shinji switched to maximum magnification. "It's a ... Oh my. I um,... can't see it. Ask someone else." "Coward! One of you other boys must have the spine to report this." Toji, still rubbing his face which bore a remarkably Asuka-ish slap mark responded, "I don't see you doing it Ms. Hero." Fed up at the dicking-around, Misato screamed "Would someone PLEASE tell me what the heck is out there?" "Clown." said Rei. "What?!" "I said it was a clown, Commander." "You must be joking Rei." "..." "Right. Never mind." The visual feed from Unit 00 confirmed that none of the pilots were losing their minds. It was a... mime. Kensuke, as you all know, was the rookie of the bunch. His 'combat' experience was limited to video games and Bruce Willis movies. So naturally he decided that now was the perfect moment for a one-liner. "Well you know what they say, 'A mime is a terrible thing to waste'." A quick debate ensued between the other Eva pilots as to which was a greater threat to mankind; the angel, or Kensuke's sense of humour. For now, it was the angel. Volleys of ordinance flew towards the angel from the heroes' robots. Explosions blanketed the area where Marcel stood, obscuring him from sight. As the dust settled and the smoke cleared, Marcel stood, unfazed, staring at his attackers. He... smiled, waved his hand at the heroes, and placed his hands against a seemingly imaginary wall, as if trying to find the edge of it. "It's no good Commander. Marcel has an AT field that's rivalling Ramiel, the 5th Angel's in power. The Eva's aren't armed with anything powerful enough to match that at the moment." Aoba said. "That doesn't seem to discourage them, though." Hyuuga remarked, indicating the defender's actions. "Okay little boys, follow me..." Asuka began as she moved her Eva-scale broad axe to a more aggressive posture in preparation for her charge. However, it wasn't to be. "Yippie-kay-yo-ka-yay!" Kensuke yelled as he sped past Asuka's position, an Eva-scale handgun blazing away in each fist. He didn't get very far though, as Asuka grabbed his power cord and held him fast. He kept trying, though, and gouged out a pair of impressive ruts as she held him. "Listen, fanboy, I don't know who you think you are but we need to get a few things straight: one- don't break formation, and two- around here, _I_ lead the valiant charges against unfathomable odds, okay?" Asuka's dissertation of the virtues of a pecking order went on for a few minutes, plenty of time for the others to casually stroll past and approach the real opponent. Toji tapped his Eva's knuckles on Marcel's 'Invisible box'. "Well this seems pointless. It's just sitting in there like a lump. It's not attacking, but we can't just LEAVE it in the city. Hey Shinji, how DO you get through an AT field?" Shinji thought about it, scratching the back of his head. "Umm, well the Positron Rifle worked once, but usually we just use the Eva's own AT fields to counteract them." (Shinji failed to mention that this also left the EVA's undefended to the Angels attacks, leaving much opportunity for maiming and screaming.) "Oh really?! Let me try that." Eva 04's hands began to pry at Marcel's field with all its might. Marcel, with a bemused look on his face watched the hole grew to shoulder width. Then, smiling, DoubleSlapped Toji half way across the city, right past an oblivious Asuka and Kensuke; still arguing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I may not be an artist but I know what I like. And this, I don't like. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Four score and seven delays later the Palladium guest of honour had finally arrived and taken the podium. "Greeting conventioneers. My name is Wayne Breaux. You may remember me from such fine books such as Rifts: Australia, Worldbook 17, Perspective; Who Needs it, and You Too Can Draw Stick Figures. After my talk I'll be signing Palladium's latest book, Rifts: Canada. This newest expansion to our line includes such additions as: Canadian Spackle Warfare, OCC Cyber Mountie, RCC Beaver, and new weapons supplier AVRO technologies. In the meantime I will be glad to field any questions you have. Yes sir," pointing to someone in the audience. "What happened to the GOOD artists? You know, Long and Ewell." said undisclosed fanboy 1. "I will be glad to field any question you have on MY work. Next question." "Why does your work suck so much?" remarked undisclosed fanboy 2. "I will be glad to field any intelligent questions you have. Yes sir?" "Why is it that none of the structures you design can exist in normal 3 dimensional space?" added undisclosed fanboy 3. "HA-ha-ha-ha. My unique artistic style, following in the works of M.C. Escher, focuses on unique design principles concentrating more on the aesthetics, visible to only the educated eye, than on technical realism." "Like I said before, how come your work sucks?" remarked undisclosed fanboy 2 again. Mr. Breaux's curt response was interrupted by the ear splitting sound of the roof being shorn away by Eva 04's flailing hands. Fans milled around in confusion as bits of superstructure fell on them, killing hordes and hordes of red-shirts. Breaux, realizing that this was a cartoon fanfiction, attempted to draw himself an escape route. However, having drawn hinges on both sides of the door 'so it would open faster' his efforts to haul it open failed miserably. Looking up, he saw his fate descend upon him as a piece of the con logo fell. He ended up buried beneath the last word of "Gainax Pan-Dimensional Ultra Anime, RPG and Star Trek Con." A costumed Star Trek fanboy witnessed the scene, stopped, turned to the camera, screwed up his face and screamed, CONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I will survive. I will survive. As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive..... maybe ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Eva slid black under the force of the blow, tearing up blocks of city streets. Finally, it was brought to a halt, falling backwards to the ground. Thankfully, the remains of convention hall cushioned the blow. "Thank god all the people were evacuated." Misato groaned. Someone dressed as a Klingon warrior stumbled into view of the camera from the remains of the convention hall. "Perhaps today was a good day to die. *thud*" "Maya,... You DID evacuate the city; yes?" Inquired Ms. Katsuragi "*mumble-mumble* Ritsuko *mumble-mumble* jacket *mumble-mumble* hot-steaming *mumble-mumble* What? Oh yeah. I'll get right on it." "..." Fuyutsuki mumbled quietly to himself, "They'll need help." He pushed a button on his watch. Off to the side of the scene outside the con. A battered Waylan Smithers could be seen dragging an equally bruised Montgomery burns out of the convention halls remains; the latter seemed to be regaining consciousness. "Smithers,.... What... what happened? I can't.... quite remember..." "We were in the convention sir. An unplanned angel attack disrupted the gathering and I had to drag you to safety after the ceiling began to collapse, sir." Smithers replied to his employer. "So when you grabbed me around the waist..." "... it was just so I could hurry you to safety sir." "And after you tripped and we fell you ripped open my shirt and ran your hands over my chest....?" "...Because I thought your heart had stopped and I had to administer CPR" "So you pressing your lips against mine was" "...an attempt to supply your lungs with oxygen sir." "Well that explains all but two things. First, when you were trying to supply me with life giving air, why was your tongue in my mouth?" "Er,... Um." squirmed Smithers, "I ... had to -check-. To see, if.... your tongue had obstructed your breathing passage." "Yes,....", Burns only sounded partially convinced. "Very well. That explains that, but it does not explain why you removed my thong bikini briefs." "..." --------------------------- More than meets the eyesore --------------------------- Somewhere deep in American territory, three strangely dissimilar people sat around a table in a bar. A bartender was polishing a glass off to one side. One of the three, a male with tousled hair under a five-gallon hat, was addressing the other two. "So I says to my sister, Sis, we can't be doing this sorta thing. What if our pappy'..." Abruptly, klaxons began to wail. The bartender looked confused. A column of light appeared before the trio, with a misty indistinct face suspended within. The bartender looked very confused. The floating head spoke, "Team Ultra Sigma Force. Our moment of greatest need has finally arrived." The bartender looked exceedingly confused. "Gee-awsh darn it. It's s'bout time we had ourselves an ethnic cleansing. Hey Nunzio, is aliens counting as ethnic?" The gentlemen wearing a badly fitting suit (with a mysterious bulge at his left armpit), sunglasses, a cigarette and a violin case was about to respond but was cut off by a loud, female, "P-shaw. Like? Get off the violent bent Goober. Your whole aggression thing is upsetting my aura. Rilly. We're supposed to champions of goodness and rightness and the American Way and Mom's Apple Pie and, y'know, junk." "There's no time for quarrelling, Team." The disembodied head spoke again. "The crisis is at-" A second, more female looking face appeared in the light. "Hey, Commander Fuyutsuki, why are you talking to your watch?" The first face snapped at the second, obviously agitated. "Not now! Look, I'll explain later. Shouldn't you be watching the battle?" The second face left, and the first again addressed the people in the bar. "Ahem, as I was saying. The crisis is at hand. Launch immediately!" The three leapt to their feet. "Right! Let's Go Voltron Fo-" "HEY! You're not part of that outfit anymore." The head chided. "Hehe. Sorry. Team Ultra Sigma Force Heroic Overblown Launch Sequence Activate!" The bartender, now totally baffled, was about to politely ask what was going on when he, the bottles, mirror, bar and even the stools retracted rapidly into the ceiling, revealing three fireman-poles. The three heroes each leapt to a pole and slid out of sight. ------------------- Of thud and blunder ------------------- The Evas were having trouble against their latest opponent: Marcel, Angel of Facepaint. Toji was still down from the hit he had taken earlier, and Asuka and Kensuke continued to argue (Asuka, of course, doing most of the yelling). The city then, was in the hands of her two competent defenders, Shinji and Rei. These two covered Marcel, trying to think of a way through its substantial defence. "Okay, guys," Toji's voice came over the commlink. "I'm up, and I'm coming back to- hey?" Warning lights began to flash in the command centre. "Commander!" Hyuuga yelled "Unit 04's power cord has been cut!" "There's another power building 200m to his left, send him there." Toji tried to move in the direction he was given, but found himself against an invisible barrier. "What the?" He felt around, only to find more barriers. "Aw, Crap! That stupid clown put me in a box!" "Toji," Misato ordered. "Go to standby mode to conserve power until we can get you out. Aoba, status on target?" "Good news and bad news, commander. He's advancing on Units 00 and 01, but his AT field is down 25 percent and continuing to decline." "REI!" Shinji's voice yelled, "Concentrate your AT Field on your power cable." "Affirmative." she responded. "Fields forming around units 01 and 00; they're trapped, but their power is stable. Marcel's field is down by 75 percent and holding. Target now approaching Units 02 and 05." Marcel was nonchalantly strolling over to the STILL ARGUING Evas. He appeared to be studying them, ascertaining which would be the greater threat. The command staff was screaming bloody murder, trying to grab Asuka's attention. Kensuke almost turned around to deal with the angel but was abruptly cut off and yanked back by the irate red-head, "YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU MISTER!". Misato hung her head, "We're all... going to die." Hyuuga, "But wait, up in the sky." Aoba, "It's ... a bird?" "No, it's a plane." Hyuuga argued. "It's... a hotdog cart?" Maya rubbed her eyes and took another look. "No," Aoba pointed at the monitor "see, it's just carrying the cart." "Oh, okay then... WHAT?" Maya checked her displays. "The radar shows that cart as being larger than this room!" "Damn, that's a big bird." Aoba shook his head in wonder. "Look, I'm telling you it's a plane." "Its got a beak and talons! It's a bird!" "Its got jet engines and an 'I Love New York' bumper sticker on its tail. It's a plane!" While the debate raged on, the new combatants entered the killing zone. Dropping the massive Hot-Dog cart (which used its umbrella to slow its descent) at a strategic point, the 7-winged Phoenix circled around to assess the situation. A third vehicle entered the fray, a seemingly nondescript red Mustang convertible. The driver, an attractive blonde woman in a spandex jumpsuit (colour coordinated with the car) let her hair blow free in the wind as she raced towards the battle. The Phoenix made a strafing run on Marcel, covering the Hot-Dog cart's advance. Now in range, the titanic barbeque opened. "Take this, ya big polecat! Sigma Solar Grill Fire!" Massive gouts of flame bathed Marcel, but were held back by its AT field. Marcel placed the palms of its hands against its cheeks and formed its lips into a moue of false horror. "I tinks we's should be teaching dis gentleman a lessons in respect." Nunzio grated. He then fired of a massive volley of missiles, which spiralled erratically towards the Angel, and had about as much effect as you would expect. The sports car drove around Marcel's feet, annoyingly. (What did you expect it to do? It's a Ford!) In the command centre, Hyuuga turned to Aoba. "Five hundred yen says they all buy it in five minutes." Aoba grinned. "I'll say four... and it's a bird." "This is like, sooo not working! We've got to like, be more pro-active or some junk!" With a cry of "Team Ultra Sigma Titan Combination Force Activate!" the three vehicles converged. With a whirr of motors, flashes of light, lots of speed lines and a great deal of stock footage, the three machines transformed and combined into a titanic humanoid robot. With a Phoenix's head and wings, a body composed of a VERY transformed Hot-Dog cart and one very sporty red shoe, the robot brandished the folded umbrella at Marcel. The sun glinted off the parasol. It went 'ping'. Marcel, almost collapsing with silent laughter at this point, casually waved one hand at the machine, using its AT field to hurl debris at the robot. "Quick! Deploy the shield!" The umbrella popped open, deflecting most of the rubble. However, it was badly torn. "Youse lousy lowest biddahs! We's gotta counter-attack! Go Rocket Punch!" The war-machine launched its fists in a blaze of glory. Marcel dodged. The fists continued on their merry way, spiralling aimlessly through the air. "Isn't dey's supposed ta come back?" Nunzio sweated. "So, like, what do we do now, genius? I got no plan, 'kay?" "Well, I reckon we're screwed, m'self." Not wanting to prove the Texan wrong, Marcel strode forward and drove his hand into the robot's Hot-Dog cart torso. Secondary explosions wracked the body, bits and pieces of the mighty combiner began to fall away. ------------------- Scotty beam her up. ------------------- Chaos and anarchy reigned; it was an equal opportunity monarchy. Girders and concrete were falling everywhere. Innocent and unaccounted-for extras were being taken down faster than the disposable ninjas from Chapter One. For some strange reason, a disturbingly large percentage of these casualties happened to be red-shirts from the old Star Trek series, but that wasn't important... at the moment. What WAS important was that the uberspawn of Stephen Ratliff's imagination, Marissa Picard was still scampering for her life on the stage with actor Patrick Stewart. "Daddy, Daddy! You've got to get us out of here!" bawled the uncharacteristically phased teen. "Forget it kid, you're on your own." replied Stewart curtly. "Number One, prepare one to... Wait!" Stewart made a double take, looking at some point just beyond Marissa. He smiled impishly. "Very well. Make that two to beam aboard. Scotty, beam her up." Marissa was grateful and confused at the same time. She was being saved,... but why on Earth was Captain Picard calling for Scotty. Scotty was in the first series but not... *WA-TAK*... Her logic'ing was cut short as a stealthy James Doohan had snuck up behind her and smacked her upside the head with a two-by-four, then pulled a red first-series security uniform over her head, pinning her arms. "Well done Mr. Scott. Enterprise, beam myself and Mr. Scott aboard. The situation has been resolved." And with bottled, stock footage effects, the actors were transported away from the stage to live happier lives in the world of syndicated reruns. As for what happened to dear little Marissa?.... Well, we couldn't say for sure, for as Picard and Scotty beamed out, a large Styrofoam rock landed in front of Marissa, completely obscuring her from view. We heard some screams and witnessed a great deal of sharp, pointy wreckage fall behind the rock (and perhaps witnessed the occasional limb fly in our direction), but we may never know for sure.... ------------------ Rapid scene change ------------------ "Hey! Don't you go a-grabbin my buns! Stop that! L'eggo mah wiener! That just ain't right! I'll sick the Baptist church on y'all!" Everyone, both NERV staff and pilots, could only stare as Marcel fixed himself a Eva scale lunch from his opponent. "Shinji?" asked Rei "Yes Rei?" he replied "Your Eva is drooling." "I know." "It's disturbing. Can you make it stop?" "Have I ever been able to make it stop before? OH MY GOD!" "What is it doing now?" "It's got the sauerkraut!" Toji, whose communication was still active intoned "You mean Asuka?" "WHAT?! Someone dares to insult the great Asuka Langley Soryuu?! They will pay!" Asuka, finally broken from her discussion with Kensuke, charged into battle (finally), knocking the aforementioned rookie to the ground. As expected, her charge was short lived as Marcel quickly boxed her in with 59.9999 seconds (and counting) of power remaining. "Schiesse!" "Welcome to the one-minute club 'hero'." mocked Toji. Misato raised her head from her hands. "Are we dead yet?" "No, and target's AT field is now at 0 strength." Maya replied. "That's GOOD!" "But we only have one Eva left who can save us.....and it's Kensuke." "That's bad." ----------------------- The silence of the hams ----------------------- The convention was going to hell in hand basket; Issei felt quite at home. Despite the fact that the walls were crumbling around them, and the fans had run for cover, he was still busy fighting Lisa. No headway was to be gained against her though as she effortlessly blocked his strikes and lunges with her AT field. Though thick, neither of the avatars were blind. They could clearly see that their battlefield was decaying rapidly and that a more auspicious location was in order. "Weed butter furnish dis out-snide." Issei sayed. Lisa, after taking a moment to decipher Issei's request nodded her agreement. Any further reply she could have made was struck dumb as huge fragments of the ceiling tore away and plummeted downward. Issei, not one to be daunted by something as trivial as a life or death situation, simply attempted to parry the oncoming rubble. Unfortunately, parrying rubble is about as effective as trying to cuddle with a cactus. Realizing that she could not outrun the oncoming debris, Lisa raised her hand above her, placing her AT field in a protective way to create a ceiling of shimmering power above her. The effort rooted her to her present location while holding the tonnes of detritus at bay. As such, this was a really inconvenient time for her. She'd just flown in for the convention, the airline placed her luggage on a flight to Bangladesh, she'd lost her Expressly American Traveller's Cheques, and there was about 30 tonnes of debris floating above her head. What else could go wrong? Her cell phone rang. Snapping it open with her free hand she yelled into it, "What the hell do you want? Who ever it is you'd better have a damn good reason for calling." "Ma'am, this is your not-so-friendly AT&T operator calling. I'm calling to inform you that your last cheque has bounced and we can no longer continue to provide service to you unless you can provide us with money immediately." Lisa stared at her phone in astonishment. "Y'know buddy, now is REALLY not a good time. *Click*" Back in the phone centre, a young disgruntled employee thought to himself. "Oh-ho! So you're too good to pay your bills eh? We'll see about that." Clicking on his screen he pulled up Ms. Foster's file. Looking over her list of services he began to systematically deactivate them. AT&T Cell phone service: Removed. AT&T pager service: Removed. AT&T long distance rate service: Removed. AT Field service...? "Field? I don't remember anyone mentioning that as a service we offered. Oh well, if we offer it, I can stop it right?": Removed. Our minor peon of the great phone entity revelled in his act of empowerment. As the powers that had granted her were instantly revoked, he could almost hear the customer screaming in agony. Pretty close to the truth actually. Life was good. --------------- Dial K for Hero --------------- It was a classic western standoff. If possible, we'd even include an Eva scale tumbleweed to roll across the screen. There stood Kensuke, faced with Marcel about a mile in front of him. The combiner robot was now little more than a broken tin wind-up toy. Eva 05's one solid eye stared out at Marcel uncaringly. In each of his Eva's hands were one of the pistols from earlier, held at his sides. Marcel mimicked his stance and waited. Kensuke drew. Marcel drew. Kensuke fired,.... but was out of ammo. Marcel fired,.... but had no guns, so just wiggled his thumbs threateningly. "Kensuke," boomed Maya's voice over the com "He can't use his powers because his AT Field is busy holding down the others. There's a weapons building 3 klick to your east. Head there." Kensuke charged off to the right. Marcel mirrored his opponent's actions, blocking him from his destination. Kensuke came to an abrupt halt. Marcel mirrored his opponent's action. Kensuke, dropping his empty pistols, waved at his opponent. Marcel waved back, a smile on his face. "Commander, I have a plan." said Kensuke. And then, he began to dance. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Who's afraid of the big bad Croft ... or .... Hey DJ, check this out. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The dance of Shiva could be seen mirrored in the tortured cries of the populous that was now trying to hastily exit the scene of utter destruction that was the former Convention Centre. DJ Croft was among those who had managed to escape earlier on. However, unlike the wise people who had run for the cover of shelters built for such emergencies, DJ had found a suitable perch from which to observe the battle. It was a large cylinder designed for the storage of highly explosive gasses. DJ felt perfectly safe atop it, of course. The battle was still about a mile away, and this post afforded him an excellent view of the carnage. Secretly he was hoping Eva-01 would crash down near him so that he could pilot it and single handedly defeat the angel and establish himself as the ultimate Avatar to date. As fate (or plot contrivance, call it what you wish) would have it, one of the combiner's rocket fists took a convenient turn in its wanderings. Still blasting alcohol rocket flames, it landed right at the base of propane tank. DJ could only cast a Wile E. Coyote'esque glance at the camera before rocketing off into the cosmos. But THIS was DJ CROFT, no mere mortal accident could kill him. The explosion high into the air and out over the ocean. He rode the shockwave of the blast like a surfer; a piece of scrap metal sufficing for a board. Out, out, out he flew, past Japan, over Australian territorial waters and into the Great Barrier Reef. The impact with the waters was not as bone jarring or as life threatening as expected. In fact, he survived with nary a scratch on him. Well,... ok. He did have one minor cut and some bleeding. In and of itself the cut wasn't fatal. However, the school of hungry Great White sharks that had been drawn by the smell of his blood were much less generous than we were. ---------------------------- Last of the red-hot cloggers ---------------------------- "I'll kill him. No judge will convict me. I could hide the body." Misato was uttering incomprehensible hate to herself. The focus of her frustration was Kensuke who was engaging Marcel in a most unexpected contest. "I'm afraid to look, Hyuuga" Aoba had his hands over his eyes. "Is he still doing it?" "I'm afraid so, buddy." Kensuke was trying to out-dance Marcel. They had started with Irish folk dancing, proceeded to disco, and had just recently degenerated to the Hokey-Pokey. All this traipsing around didn't seem to serve any purpose, though Unit 05 was now within an easy arms reach of the 32nd Angel. "Aha!" Kensuke chortled, "He fell for it! Now I strike!" With a blur of motion, Unit 05's arm shot up... and honked Marcel's nose. "That's IT?" Misato screamed. "We've been watching you trip over the light fantastic for ten minutes so you could beep his honker? THAT was your PLAN?" "Commander!" Maya interrupted. "The Angel is reeling!" "What?!" "It seems to have taken very real damage from Kensuke's 'attack'." Maya scanned some more readouts. "Commander, the nose is its core!" "All right," Kensuke cracked his knuckles. "Let's get bizzay. EVA DUBLIN HANDSHAKE!!" Wrapping Unit 05's fingers into Marcel's 'hair' Kensuke repeatedly drove his machine's forehead into the Angel's unprotected nose/core. After a dozen titanic impacts, he let go, leaving Marcel to stumble backwards, and fall onto its back. Reaching into a nearby weapons building, Kensuke retrieved a rifle, but gripped it by the barrel. Placing one of his Eva's feet on Marcel's chest, Kensuke lined the butt of the gun up against the Angel's core, taking a couple of practice swings. "Looks like I get a birdie." he quipped, driving the nose/core right out of the city, and shattering it into pieces. The fatally-wounded Angel grabbed futilely at Unit 05's leg, then collapsed into a pool of cheerfully-coloured goo. "Told you it was a bird." Aoba smirked. ------------------------------- C'est Fini ------------------------------- Wah. That was a big one. We're sorry this part took so long to be finished, but it IS twice as big as the others. We didn't realize we were promising so much at the end of part 3, or that it would require so much work to meet those requirements. A heatwave and no air conditioning also made writing this part less fun than the others, but we still laughed our asses off. We hope you liked it too. Commentary, as always, can be sent to evansjt@interlog.com or laughlin@accessv.com. No, we still don't have a website, but previous chapters are on the RAAC archives (ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/). MSTings of those chapters are available on Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings. We're still accepting entries for the "name the last angel" contest. C'mon people, get the grey matter working. Use alcohol if necessary. ;) Part 5 should be ready in less time than this one, because we're not promising anything this time. [chuckles]