From: crapadoo@aol.com (Crapadoo)
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] The PenPen Chronicles 0:1

The PenPen Chronicles, Episode 0:1: PenPen to the Rescue
	By Adam Friedman
	Email Me at GodzillaXY@aol.com

DISCLAIMER: Neon Genesis Evangelion and all of it's characters are owned by
Gainax and not me.  

Anyway, there aren't any spoilers, unless you aren't up to the part where Asuka
joins the crew.  I wrote this story because I think PenPen deserves a bigger
role. PenPen, of course, is the lovable penguin who lives with Misato. But
don't worry, the whole series is not just about PenPen.  This is part one in a
series of I don't know how many.  So enough with the chit chat, now I present,
"PenPen to the Rescue".


The sounds of yelling were coming from Misato's apartment in Tokyo-3.

"What!?!", yelled Asuka furiously, "Why can't I take a short vacation to
Germany!  It's Oktoberfest, I've gone to every single one since I can
remember!"

"We need to have all EVA pilots at NERV right now.  The next angel can attack
at any second!", replied Misato firmly.

"You let Shinji go to that resort for the weekend!"

"That wasn't a resort!  That was the NERV hospital!  And he wouldn't have had
to go there if it wasn't for you attacking him!"

"He had it coming to him!  I was only defending myself.  He was trying to feel
me up!"

"He was turned the other way!  You kicked him in the back!"

"Details, details, details…"

The phone rang.  Misato picked it up to answer.  "Hello?", she said into the
phone.

Her face looked confused as she listened to the voice on the other line.  She
held the receiver away from her face and called, "PenPen, it's for you?"

PenPen came out of his room.  Misato bent over to hand it to him.  PenPen began
squawking happily into the phone as he went back into his room and closed the
door.

Misato and Asuka just stood their with confused looks on their faces.


A little bit later at NERV headquarters, the three children were preparing for
a test.  Misato was briefing them.  "Today we are testing the AJF780, a new
vehicle that you may have to use someday.", she explained.

"Why would we fight in this hunk of junk when we have our EVA's?", said Asuka.

"These aren't combat vehicles.  They are to be used to escape in case of an
emergency.  You are too important to risk, since you may be mankinds only
hope.", said Misato.

"No way am I leaving my unit 2 here!", yelled Asuka, "If it's going down, I'm
going down with it!"

"This is only for extreme emergencies where the EVA's are either destroyed or
rendered useless.  We can always try to build more EVA's.  Finding pilots is
harder."


Shinji, Rei, and Asuka were sitting in the cockpit of the AJF780.  The vehicle
was about the height of a onestory building and about as long as a fighter jet.
 Asuka was in the pilot seat while Rei and Shinji were behind her.  Misato's
voice came on over the intercom.  "You will be launched directly into Tokyo-3. 
Please get out of the metropolitan area first thing, so you can have more room
to practice maneuverability.", Misato said "When you are ready to switch
pilots, remember to put it on hover mode.  Ready Asuka?"

"Ready as I'll ever be!  Let's rock and ride!", she said into the intercom.

An electronic voice said, "Opening departure gates in 5…4…3…2…1…We are ready
to…"

Before the voice could finish it's sentence, the ship blasted off up through
the tunnel and into Tokyo-3.  "Yeehaw!", yelled Asuka, "Now that's what I call
a rush!"

"Asuka, are you sure you're supposed to be going that fast?  You might hit a
building…or worse!", said Shinji.

"Stop worrying!  You worry to much.  Just hang on and enjoy the ride!", Asuka
said, "You never see Rei worrying.  How you doing back there, Rei?"

"I am well, ma'am.", Rei replied quietly. 

"See?  Happy as a clam!", Asuka said, "Hey, check this out!"

Asuka did a loop with the AJF780.

"I think I'm going to vomit…", said Shinji, who was turning green.

"Just not in here buddy!", said Asuka, "Hey, aren't those your little buddies
down there?"


Touji and Kensuke were eating lunch at a ramen stand.  Kensuke looked up and
saw the ship, causing him to spit noodles on Touji.  "Kensuke, you better have
a good explanation for this.", said Touji, covered in ramen noodles.

"Lo-Lo-Look behind you!", Kensuke yelled.

"I'm not falling for your jokes this easily."

"No!  I'm serious!  There's some kind of huge hovercraft right behind you!"

"Yeah right, and Rei Ayanami was voted best personality."

"And it looks like Asuka is sticking her head out the window!"

Touji, angrily grabbed Kensuke's collar and pulled him across the table.  "You
little liar," Touji said, "I wouldn't believe you even if I heard her say…"

"Hey fellas!", Asuka yelled from the hovercraft, "Wanna go for a ride?"

Touji almost fainted with surprise.  "I'll lower the entry port for you!",
Asuka called back down to them.


Back in the cockpit, Misato's voice reappeared on the intercom.  "Asuka, what
are you thinking!?!  You can't let hitchhikers on an official NERV vehicle!"

"It was all Shinji's idea, they're his friends!", Asuka replied.

"What!?!", said a shocked Shinji.

"Now where's the intercom off switch?", Asuka said.

"Now listen young lady, the AJF780 has a tracking device, we'll find you no
matter what!", Misato yelled angrily, "And further more…"

Asuka flipped the intercom off switch.  Touji and Kensuke climbed into the
cockpit.  Kensuke was excitedly scanning the cockpit with his video camera. 
"Hey Shinji!  Thanks for inviting us for the ride!", said Touji.

"I didn't invite you!  In fact, I insist we turn around and go back to NERV
before we get in even bigger trouble!", Shinji said, annoyed at Asuka.

Asuka flipped the tracking system switch to off.  "Calm down third child! 
We'll return the ship in one piece!  Oktoberfest here we come!", Asuka said, as
they zoomed off out of Tokyo-3.


Misato sat by her desk with her head in her hands. Ritsuko approached to
comfort her.  "It was beyond your control.  There was nothing you could do.",
said Ritsuko.

"You're just trying to be nice.  I failed miserably.  Asuka I should have
expected this from, but Shinji?", said Misato, "Maybe I was too mean to Asuka
before.  Now they've run away and it's all my fault.  What if an angel attacks
now?  We'd be hopeless."

"Don't worry, I'm sure they'll be back real soon and we can all forget this
ever happened.  This is her way of rebelling.  She just needs a little bit to
cool off.  In fact, I remember a pair of lovebirds who ran away together for a
whole week…"

"That was totally different!  I didn't know any better back then.  And I don't
think this is the best time to bring up Kagi"

"Did I hear my name mentioned?", said Kagi, as if he had popped up from
nowhere, "My, my you 2 look lovely.  How about a menage a trois?"

"How about you leave and have a menage a une!", said an irritated Misato.

"Touche, mon amour.", replied Kagi, "Say Misato, doesn't this remind you of
something?"

"Listen you pig headed idiot, you tricked me into running away with you!  I was
young and naïve!"

"Oh you wanted it bad, baby."

"I did not!"

"And I think you want some right now…"

"Do you have a death wish you ignorant, lying, sack of…"

"I think I'll leave you 2 alone now," said Ritsuko, giggling as she walked
away.


Meanwhile back on the AJF780, which was flying somewhere over the ocean, Asuka
was singing "Fly Me to the Moon", while Shinji, Touji, and Kensuke held their
fingers in their ears.  "Are you sure you know where you're going?", said
Shinji.

"I only lived there for the first 13 years of my life!  All we need to do is
find Europe and Germany will be a snap!", said Asuka, "Don't you have faith in
me?"

"To tell the truth not really!", said Shinji.

"That makes 2 of us!", added in Touji.

"What about you Kensuke?", asked Asuka.  After not getting a response, whe
repeated her question.

"Where's Kensuke?", she finally asked, confused.

"Hey guys!  This shot's going to be awesome!", yelled Kensuke, who was hanging
halfway out the window filming the ocean.

Shinji and Touji immediately jumped up to help Kensuke out of the window.  But
Rei didn't move.  She looked scared.  "I have a bad feeling," said Rei.

"Why do you have to always be so negative?  A bad feeling about what?", said
Asuka.

"I don't know.", she replied, almost in a whisper.


Meanwhile, workers back in Japan were busy drilling into the Earth in a spot in
the woods not too far from Tokyo-3.  The foreman was looking at a blueprint. 
"Hey Sami!", he called to his assistant, "Get over here!"

"Yes boss?", said Sami, who was next to his boss almost immedietly.

"Do you have any idea what this is?  Look at these blue prints."

"I haven't the slightest idea.  It's supposed to be top secret."

"Well go fetch me the guy who is hiring us.  I want to have a word with him."

Sami ran off.  The foreman was still pondering the blueprints.  Sami soon
returned with Dr. Ikari.  "What exactly are we building here?", asked the
foreman.

"That information is classified," replied Dr. Ikari, "I need to be leaving
right now, I have important work to do."

Suddenly, they heard a rumbling, and then felt the ground begin to shake.  All
the workers froze as it got more intense.  "What the hell is that?" said the
foreman loudly.

Dr. Ikari began running away as fast as he could.  As he ran, he took out his
cell phone and pressed auto dial.  "This is Ikari," he said into the phone, "We
have an angel attack by the NERV Headquarters II construction sight.  Send all
EVA units available ASAP!"

A huge angel pooped up from the ground.  It was about the size of 2 EVAs.  It
had a huge eye that took up most of it's head, and 2 huge tentacles that took
the place of it's arms.  It's chest appeared to be one giant mouth , full of
sharp teeth.  Workers were running in panic.  Ikari dropped his cell phone in
panic and dashed towards his helicopter.

As Ikari got into his helicopter, he saw the angel grab a huge crane and squash
it with it's tentacle.  The foreman ran up to the helicopter door.  "I beg, you
please, let me in!  Let me in!", cried the foreman.

Ikari slammed the door shut and the helicopter took off, leaving the foreman
behind.


Back at NERV, the red alert signal was blaring.  Misato was on the phone
yelling at the Navy.  "What do you mean you can't find them?!?", yelled Misato,
"They have to be somewhere!  I told you, the ship can block radar!  I don't
care how you find them, just find them!"

Misato slammed down the phone.  A technician ran up to her.  "Misato! 
Misato!", he said, "What are we going to do?"

"Pray", she said quietly.


Meanwhile in Misato's apartment, PenPen was bathing in the bath tub along with
2 beautiful women.  He was sipping a glass of champagne, as the deep sounds of
Barry White played in the background.  "Oh PenPen, you are the greatest. 
You're not like all the other guys.  You know how to satisfy a woman in ways
that other men can't."

PenPen let out a squawk.  Then, the phone rang.  After a few more rings, the
answering machine came on.  "Asuka!  Shinji!", Misato said over the answering
machine, "This is Misato!  If you are hiding out here, report to NERV
immediately!  There is an angel attack!  Hurry!"

PenPen, hearing that the message was over, jumped out of the bathtub and rubbed
himself dry with a towel.  "PenPen, come back in, the water's warm.", said one
of the women.

PenPen strapped on his rocket pack, walked to the window and launched off.  The
women stayed in the tub, obviously disappointed. 


Back in the AJF780, Asuka was flying with one hand and reading a map with the
other.

"So, are we in Germany yet?", joked Touji.

"I think we might be possible almost there," replied Asuka.

"Well we better be, for it looks like we're out of fuel!", said Shinji,
pointing to the empty fuel meter.

"Dammit!", yelled Asuka, "What are we going to do now?"

"I don't know, this was your crazy idea, Captain Asuka!", yelled back Shinji.

"Land ho!", said Kensuke, looking out of the window, "I see some sort of city
at 9 o'clock!"

"Then that's where we're going!", said Asuka, and began shifting towards the
city.  

As they came closer, they realized the city was much bigger than they imagined.
 "Hey, what's that big statue?" asked Shinji.

"That looks like the Statue of Liberty.  It was destroyed in the second impact
and then rebuilt.  That means that we must be in New York City!", said Asuka.

"I think we might not make it!", said Kensuke.

Their altitude was decreasing rapidly.  "What are we going to do!", yelled
Asuka in panic.

"All I can say is I hope you like water!", said Kensuke.

The ship crashed into the water, making a huge splash.


Back at NERV, Misato was pacing back and forth.  Ritsuko walked up to her. 
"The angel has reached Tokyo-3.  Should we abandon headquarters?", Ritsuko
asked.

"It looks like we have no other choice," said Misato.

Then, she felt a tugging at her dress.  She looked down to see PenPen.

"How did you get in here?  You know you aren't supposed to be here.", she asked
surprised to see him here.

PenPen began squawking and flapping his wings around excitedly.  "Cancel the
evacuation," Misato said, "We have a pilot!"

"You can't be serious!  A penguin can't pilot an EVA!", said Ritsuko, "We
tested PenPen back when we first started the project and he couldn't
synchronize!"

"If you don't remember, the first few times we tested Rei, she wouldn't
synchronize either!  Besides, doesn't PenPen have the same thing in common that
Rei, Shinji, and Asuka have?  There's no reason why he can't pilot an EVA."

"This is crazy!"

"But it's crazy enough to work…"


Meanwhile, the angel was working his way through the city.  Some of the
buildings were stuck halfway through while lowering into the ground.  The angel
smashed them with his tentacles.  A gun raised from the ground and began
firing, so the angel smashed the gun to pieces with ease.  


Back underground, PenPen was being inserted into Unit 1.  Misato stood by the
window, waiting to his if he'd synchronize correctly.  "He synchronizes!", said
the surprised technician, "Nowhere near as good as the regular pilots, but he
can operate it much better than the average person."

"We are ready to launch," said Misato.


On the surface, an emergency van was driving around blaring, "Evacuate the
area!  Evacuate the area!  We have an emergency situation!"

As the van turned the corner, it came face to face with the angel.  The van
began to back up as fast as it could but the angel was in hot pursuit.  The
angel's tentacle was just about to get the van, when it was distracted by
gunshots to it's back.  It was PenPen in Unit 1!

The angel turned around and began charging at Unit 1 furiously, but it leaped
over the reach of the huge tentacles.  As it landed behind the angel, the EVA
drew it's sword, and stabbed the angels back. 

The angel roared with pain, and reached behind itself with a tentacle and
grabbed the EVA and swung it back around.  It launched the EVA as far away as
it could and then charged at it to finish it off.  As it approached the fallen
EVA, it lashed at it with a tentacle, that the EVA sliced off with it's sword. 

The angel writhed around in pain, but not for long as it soon grabbed hold of
the EVA with it's other tentacle and swallowed most of it, crunching on it with
it's huge fangs.  The power supply was suddenly disconnected, and only a minute
of power was left!

Suddenly, the EVA's fist punched through the back of the angel, and leaped out
soaked with yellowish saliva.  As the angel lay there on it's back, the EVA
flew at with it's sword in hand.  It swiftly dodged the deadly tentacle, and
lunged it's sword into the eye of the beast, triggering a gigantic explosion.

As the smoke cleared the EVA walked away triumphant, until it collapsed from
power loss.  

Back in NERV, everyone was celebrating the success.  "PenPen's a hero!", yelled
Misato proudly.  They all watched on the moniter as PenPen got out of the EVA
and let out a squawk.  Everyone cheered excitedly.


Meanwhile, Dr.Ikari was in the hologram meeting room, speaking to the board.

"You let a penguin pilot an EVA!?!", one of the men yelled at Ikari loudly,
"What have you been smoking?!?"

"That wasn't a penguin.  Let me introduce you to…the fourth child.", said
Ikari.

"That's a lie and you know it!", yelled the man angrily.

"He destroyed the EVA, isn't that enough?"

"You win this round Ikari, but next time you'll be sorry."

The holograms all disappeared.  "Dick," said Ikari to himself.

The hologram of the man appeared again, "I heard that!"


Meanwhile, Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Kensuke, and Touji were climbing out of the
water onto a dock.  "What now Captain?", said Shinji to Asuka.

"Listen you little…", Asuka yelled angrily before being interrupted by Kensuke.

"Why don't we find someplace where we can sit and rest so we can dry off and
figure things out?", said Kensuke.

"Good idea, let's go!", said Shinji.


A little bit later, they were all in a bar drinking sodas, still wet from the
water.  Shinji, Kensuke, and Touji were all sitting together, and Rei was a few
seats down.

"Where's Asuka?", said Shinji.

"Probably in the bathroom drying off.", said Touji, "So do you have any ideas
on what to do now?"

"I guess we can call NERV and tell them where we are.", said Shinji.

"Hey you guys, what kind of bar is this?", said Kensuke, "I've never seen one
like it.  What is this?  A stage?"

His question was answered as a stripper walked out onto the stage and began
dancing erotically.  "A strip club!", said Shinji, "With strippers!"

Kensuke had his camera posed at the stripper and Touji was staring with his
tongue hanging out.

"What kind of woman would do something like this?", said Shinji.

Asuka jumped out from behind the curtain wearing barely nothing.  Shinji,
Touji, and Kensuke screamed.  "Now here's a traditional German dance always
done at Oktoberfest!", said Asuka.

Shinji was still sitting motionless with shock, when he felt a hand on his
shoulder.  It was a naval officer.


The next day, they were all back in Tokyo-3.  Asuka, Shinji, Misato, and PenPen
were standing outside of their apartment.  PenPen was wearing a badge of honor.
 "I hope you're happy with yourselves," said Misato.  

"We're sorry," said Asuka, "I should have convinced Shinji not to do it."

"At least I didn't make a fool out of myself by…", said Shinji.

"It was all my fault!", said Asuka.

"I thought so.", said Misoto, "Now let's get some rest."

Misato opened the door to see 2 women wearing bathrobes.  "PenPen, where were
you?  We were waiting here for you to get back forever!", said one of the
women.

"PenPen!!!!", yelled Misato angrily, as she chased PenPen down the hall.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: crapadoo@aol.com (Crapadoo)
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] The PenPen Chronicles 0:2

The PenPen Chronicles, Episode 0:2: "For the Love of PenPen"
Written By Adam Friedman
                  and Jacob Jiswater
Email Me at: GodzillaXY@aol.com
 
DISCLAIMER: Neon Genesis Evangelion and all of it's characters are owned by
Gainax and not me.  Thank you.

There are no spoilers in this episode, unless you haven't gotten up to Asuka
joining the crew.  This is Episode 2.  When we last left off in Episode 1,
PenPen had saved the day by defeating an Angel by piloting Unit 1.  Shinji and
Asuka have just returned home from an adventure led by Asuka to get to
Oktoberfest, but leading up to a strip bar in New York City.  Seele is mad at
Dr. Ikari for letting a penguin pilot an EVA, so he lies and tells them that
PenPen is the 4th child.  Oh yeah, and Kaji is still trying to get laid.  




"What the Hell did you just say?", yelled Misato into the phone.  Dr. Ritsuko
Akagi was on the other side of the phone call.  

"I got a memo from Commander Ikari this morning.  Seele is giving the Commander
heat since PenPen piloted the last mission.  To get rid of the heat Commander
Ikari told them that PenPen is the 4th child, therefore we need to play along
with it, including dressing him up and sending him to school." said Ritsuko.

"This is insane…We can't pass off PenPen as a person, he's a penguin, and I
don't think he would want to go… He loves his social life too much.  Do you
know how many complaints we'd get from those women of his.  And I don't think
he'd like wearing clothes!!!"  

To Misato's surprise, PenPen walked out his fridge in a pimp outfit with two
girls in his arms.  Misato cringes as she sees this. "PenPen, how the hell did
you get those women in the fridge?", Misato asked. Penpen just gave Misato a
wink that said that's my secret.

"Just tell PenPen to show up for school by 8:00 tomorrow, and bring an apple
for the teacher!", said Ritsuko.

"We don't have any apples!", said Misato.

"I don't know, use your imagination.  See you at NERV.  Bye."

Misato hung up the phone.  "PenPen, I have some news for you.  You begin school
tomorrow."

Penpen let out an angry squawk.  The women looked at him in disgust.  "We're
leaving you, PenPen!  We thought you were a man, and now we find you are
nothing more than a schoolboy!", said the women, who preceded to storm into the
fridge and come out with suitcases.  Misato gave Penpen a confused look, and
Penpen simply shrugged.


The next day at school, Shinji, Touji, and Kensuke were talking.  "So what did
you think of Asuka's dance at the strip club last night?", said Kensuke.

Next thing Kensuke knew, he had the wind punched out of him by a fuming Asuka
who had been standing right behind him.

Hikari said, "What was he talking about?"

Asuka began sweating nervously, until Kensuke jumped in and said, "It was a
dream I had last night, and boy oh boy it was a good one!"

Asuka punched him again.  She then knelt down close to him and said, "If you
ever do that again you will feel the wrath of Asuka!"

Kensuke sat up as she walked away.  "What's up her butt today?", said Kensuke.

As the bell rang, all of the students faced forward.  The teacher stood up and
said, "We have a new student here today, but he's not here yet."

Suddenly, PenPen flew in on his rocket pack.  He landed and slapped a fish down
on the teachers desk.  "Uhhh…", said the teacher, "Why don't you write your
name on the board…"

PenPen turned on his rocket pack again and wrote unintelligible blabber on the
board, then flew to his seat behind Shinji.  Everyone gawked at the sight of
their new classmate, to which PenPen responded with a squawk.  The teacher
walked up to PenPen and squinted.  "Boy you are an ugly child," the teacher
said, to which PenPen took out another fish and preceded to slap him on the
face a few times.  Then he ate the fish whole.

The teacher stood up, his face covered in fish.  "That's it!  Go to detention,
PenPen, or whatever the hell your name is!"

PenPen stuck his tongue out at the teacher and flew off the detention.


Misato was using the NERV bathroom.  She was sitting in a stall, when she heard
a knock on the door.  "Need any help in there?", the person said.

"What!?!", she screamed, "Who is this!"

"Need any toilet paper?  Do you want your toilet seat fluffed?"

"Since when do bathrooms have room service!!!  Wait, Kaji, is this you?"

"But of course…not!  Of course not!  That's what I meant to say.  So do you
need any company in there?"

"Kaji get the hell out of here!"

Commander Ikari walked into the bathroom, unnoticed by Kaji.

"I love you!  You are my love!  Let me make love to you right here, right now! 
We are kindred spirits!"

Kaji looked behind him to see Commander Ikari with a confused look on his face.
 Ikari gave a half smile and then slowly walked out.


PenPen waddled into detention slowly.  He was the only person in there, besides
a very attractive detention supervisor.  He sat down in a desk across from the
teacher.  The teacher, who was reading a magazine, looked up and saw PenPen
staring at her.  PenPen gave her a sly wink.


Back in the classroom, the teacher was discussing the second impact, when they
heard a man scream in the hallway.  It turned out it was the principal.  He ran
up to the classroom and pulled the teacher aside.  "There's a bit of a
situation in the detention room involving one of your students and the
detention teacher…"

The teacher followed the principal to the detention room, to find the detention
teacher and PenPen getting dressed.  "What the hell!", screamed the teacher,
"PenPen you dog!"

The bell rang for lunch.  The teacher said, "Just get the dickens outta here! 
I need to have a discussion with the detention teacher."

"Goodbye Penny!", said the half naked detention teacher to PenPen as he left
the room.  PenPen turned around to blow a kiss, causing the detention teacher
to give a satisfied sigh of happiness.


Misato was standing in the elevator.  It stopped and Kaji got in.  `Oh great,"
she thought to herself.

"Hello beautiful," said Kaji, "Thinking of me?"

"In your dreams Kaji," said Misato.

"Want to do something wild?"

"Not if it's you."

"Come on, we're in the elevator.  We're alone.  Let's make love…"

Misato gave a sigh.  She got a devious idea.  "Oh all right," she said, playing
along with him, "I just need to get ready first, stay here, and get undressed. 
I'll be back in 5 minutes."

"I'll be waiting," said Kaji as Misato left the elevator.  

As the door closed, she thought to herself, "What a gullible idiot!" 

Kaji undressed and waited.  And waited.  And then waited some more. About 20
minutes later, he finally saw the door opening so he stood in front of it with
his arms stretched out.  "Let's do it!", he proclaimed as the door opened.

Then he realized that Misato wasn't standing in the door, it was Commander
Ikari with a confused grin on his face.  "I'll take the next one," said Ikari
shyly, and walked away quickly.


Back at school, it was lunch time.  Shinji, Touji, Kensuke, and Asuka were
sitting at a table by themselves.  Everyone else was crowded around PenPen.

"What's it like being an Eva pilot, PenPen?", one girl asked.

"What do you look for in a girlfriend," another one asked.

"Can I have your autograph?", asked another, holding out a piece of paper and
pen.

PenPen looked around at all of them and squawked.  Everyone began laughing. 
"Oh PenPen, you're so funny!", said one of the girls.

Back at Shinji's table, Asuka was looking angrily at all the attention PenPen
was getting.

"Looks like PenPen is getting pretty popular," said Shinji, looking at PenPen.

Asuka slapped him in the face.  "Why do they all love him!  Why aren't they
paying attention to me!  He's a penguin for crying out loud!!!"

"I guess Penpen is just nice to people," said Touji, "You should try it
sometime…"

Penpen then squawked to get Asuka's attention, then tossed a fish at her.  She
held the fish up disgusted, then hit Touji with it several times.


Later on that day, the now 4 pilots were getting briefed on their new training
mission.  "We are going to have an indoor EVA training today.", said Misato,
"We have a stadium prepared.  Penpen, we got a new EVA shipped in today made
exactly to your provisions.  We are just going to practice basic maneuvers."

"Misato, why does Penpen get to be an EVA pilot?", said Asuka.

"Because while you were out strip dancing, he was fighting the angel."

"How'd you hear about that!"

"It doesn't matter how I got that disgusting video tape, this is not the time
nor place to be discussing this.  Now go get suited up, it's time to go."

Asuka thought to herself, `Kensuke is dead!'


The EVA's were launched into a special training stadium built just for them. 
Penpen was using EVA unit ß, featuring a large beak, specially added on based
on Penpen's request.  The EVA's began jogging around the track for a warm up. 
Penpen showed off by running backwards while juggling three tanks.

`That show off!', thought Asuka, `I'll show him!'

Unit 2 began running on it's hands, but fell on it's face.

"Better get more practice Asuka!", said Shinji.

Penpen proceeded to finish the laps with a triple backflip while still juggling
the tanks.  Unit 1 applauded.  "Go Penpen!", said Shinji.

Asuka growled.  She charged at Unit ß and tackled it to the ground.  Unit ß
kicked Unit 2 off it's body.

"Asuka, what are you doing!", yelled Misato.

"I don't know!", responded Asuka, "The EVA's gone out of control!"   But in her
mind, Asuka knew that she was lying.  She was really attacking Penpen on
purpose!

Unit 2 chased after Penpen, but Penpen was faster.  Unit 2 did a slide kick to
try and destabilize Penpen, but Penpen lept in the air and used Unit 2's head
as a trampoline.  Unit 1 ran in and tried to hold down Asuka, while Penpen
backed down.  Asuka threw Shinji to the side and rushed at Penpen.  Penpen gave
her a head butt to the Eva's center, throwing it to the wall of the stadium. 
While Unit 2 was stunned, Shinji tore out the power cord to Unit 2.  With the
rest of it's power, Unit 2 jumped from wall to wall, ending with a flying kick
towards Penpen, who used an uppercut to throw Unit 2 through the stadium roof. 
It landed in a garbage pile as it's power died out.  "Asuka, are you ok?", said
Shinji.

"Yeah, I'm fine.", she replied.

Penpen squawked through the intercom, and ejected his entry plug.  He got out
with the teacher from detention.  How she got in there, no one knows.  What
they did in there, nobody wants to know.


Later on, the pilots were sitting in the briefing room.  Misato walked through
the doors.  "According to the tests, nothing went wrong with Unit 2.  Asuka,
can you explain your actions?"

"Well, I can't explain, but, but…", said Asuka, nervously.

"Do you know the price of the damage you've done is coming out of your
allowance!"

"But you don't understand!  Nobody understands!"  Asuka ran out of the room
crying.


Asuka was on the balcony crying.  Penpen walked up to her.  "What are you
looking at?", Asuka said, "You know, you ruined my life!"

"Squawk!", said Penpen, "Squawk, Squawk Squawk Squawk Squawk, Squawk! Squawk
Squawk Squawk Squawk, Squawk Squawk… Squawk…"

"That's beautiful…", said Asuka in response to Penpen's words of wisdom, "Do
you really mean it?"

Penpen proceeded to slap a fish into her lap.  She let out a tear of joy and
gave him a hug.


At the other side of Tokyo-3, Kaji heard his doorbell ring.  He answered it to
see a drunken messenger boy holding a bunch of flowers. "Hic! Sir, I gotta
message for you," said the messenger, in a drunken slur.

"What might that message say?", Kaji asked.
 
"It readsss I neva knew how ya feeled about me until today. Hic!  When I saw
how you acted and ssshowed ya love Hic!, it lifted my heart.  I just want ya da
know I feel da ssame waway mameet me at terminal dogma at Hic! midnight,
signed, you know whoooo."

"Damn boy, you are drunk.  Thanks for the message."

As he slammed the door on the delivery boy, Kaji jumped in the air and
screamed, "Finally my Misato has come around, this is the happiest day of my
life!!".  
 
Kaji preceded to put on a suit, grab a bottle of champagne and run out the
door, because he wanted to get to terminal dogma on time.


When he got there, he saw candles lit all over the place. He smelt erotic
incense and there was a bed set up in a corner.  Kaji saw a shady figure in the
corner and then said, "Hey baby I knew you'd come around, lets make sweet
love."  He then tore off his pants and stretched out onto the bed.

He then looked in horror as he saw the shadow belonged to Commander Ikari who
was dressed in leather and holding a whip.  Commander Ikari smiled at Kaji and
simply said, "Prepare to have your senses shocked."


TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE 3!!!!


From: crapadoo@aol.com (Crapadoo)
Subject: [EVA][FanFic] PenPen Chronicles Episode 0:3

The PenPen Chronicles, Episode 0:3: et tu, Mr.Whiskers?
	By Adam Friedman
	Email Me at GodzillaXY@aol.com

DISCLAIMER!  Neon Genesis Evangelion and all of it's characters are owned by
Gainax and not me.  

Authors Note: Everything that happens in this series is not supposed to be
lined up exactly with the original series.  I make up angels, false events, and
sometimes stretch the limits of reality.  So if you notice a mistake, for
example in this episode Misato has access to terminal dogma, dont have a heart
attack.  I probably know about it already.  I just dont feel as if everything
in fan fiction has to line up exactly with the series, especially in a heavily
humorous one as this.  Of course, more serious fan fics that line up perfectly
with the series are good too, its just that in this particular series that isnt
the case. Thus, there are no spoilers in this series, unless you aren't up to
Asuka joining the team yet.  Anyway, when we last left off, Kaji was face to
face with a horny, leather clad Ikari, who mistook Kaji's come-ons to Misato as
come-ons to himself.  Now, let's join back with Kaji in Episode 3.



"I think there's been a misunderstanding…", said Kaji, sweating frantically. 
Kaji was sitting up in bed as Dr. Ikari stood before him dressed in leather and
holding a whip.

"I know.  I didn't catch onto your signals fast enough.", said Dr. Ikari, "But
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I've come around."

"That's not what I meant…But I have nothing but respect for you."

"Oh yeah, keep up the dirty talk.  Come on, say I'm your mama!  Say it!"

"I have an important doctors appointment to go to early tomorrow, I gotta go."

"You don't have to.  After all, I am a licensed proctologist…"

"You know, I really really need to go badly.  Please?"

"Oh all right.  I'll give you a raincheck."

Misato walked into the room to do some late night research, unnoticed by Kaji.

Kaji put on his pants.  "Thank you, thank you so much.", he said to Ikari.  

Misato dropped her papers.  Kaji turned around to see Misato with her mouth
hanging open widely.  "Wait Misato!  It isn't what it looks like!", Kaji said.

"So is tomorrow night good for you?", asked Ikari.

Misato walked out of the room quickly.  


Asuka awoke in the morning to find PenPen sleeping in her bed.  "Ahhhh!", she
screamed, "Get out of my bed!!!"

PenPen ran out of Asuka's room followed by Asuka.  "Don't ever do that again! 
You have your own room!"

Asuka opened up the fridge to be bombarded with a ton of fish.

Penpen jumped on top of the pile of fish which was covering Asuka, opened the
main fridge, and pulled out a beer.  He opened the can and took a large gulp,
finishing it with a satisfied squawk.  Asuka found her way out of the fish pile
and yelled, "I've had it up to here with you, you mangy bird!"

Shinji appeared out of his room.  "What's wrong?", he said, "I thought you two
apologized to each other last night.  What's all of this fighting about?"

"I woke up with Penpen next to me in bed!!!!"

"Well he does have a way with women…"

"Shut up, third child!  You'd have to be pretty desperate to want to have sex
with Penpen!"

Penpen walked over to the mailbox and collected a huge pile of love letters. 
Penpen picked them up and walked into his fridge, before a shocked Asuka and
Shinji.

The doorbell rang.  Shinji opened it to find Touji and Kensuke.  "Hey Shinji,"
said Kensuke, "Asuka isn't awake yet, is she?"

"I heard that!", yelled Asuka from the other room.  She barged in and lifted
Kensuke up by his collar. 

"I know you gave Misato those videos of me from the strip bar!", yelled Asuka.

"I swear, Asuka, I did not give her the video!", said Kensuke.

"You little liar!", yelled Asuka.

"If you touch him, you have me to deal with!", said Touji.

Asuka kicked Touji in the testicles, causing him to keel over in pain.  "Now
talk before I do the same to you!"

Kaji walked up to the door.  "Hello, is Misato in?", he asked.

Asuka dropped Kensuke.  "Kaji!", she screamed in delight, "So, can we go out
today?  Huh?  Please!!!!"

"I came to see Misato," said Kaji.

"No, she never came home last night, very unreliable slut.", said Asuka.

"Well, if you see her, tell her I came by…", said Kaji sadly, "Actually, don't
even bother."

Kaji hung his head low and left.  "I wonder what's bothering him today," said
Shinji.


Meanwhile, Misato and Ritsuko where in Ritsuko's apartment talking over a cup
of coffee.  "Thanks for letting me stay the night, Ritsuko," said Misato, "I
don't want Kaji disturbing me at home."

"I don't think he would come.  After what happened last night.", said Ritsuko.

"Do you think it was me?", asked Misato, "Do you think I drove him to it?"

"Only he can answer that.  Ah, it's 8:00.  Time for breakfast.  Kitty roll
call!"

A line of about 20 cats came out of their beds and lined up on the kitchen
counter.  In order, they each gave a meow to show that they were present. 
"Mr.Whiskers, where are you?  I didn't hear your meow.", said Ritsuko.

Mr.Whiskers was in his bed, sleeping.  "Mr.Whiskers!  Wake up", yelled Ritsuko.


Mr.Whiskers woke up and stretched, and took his time getting in line.  Ritsuko
walked down the line and put a bowl of cat food in front of each cat.  She then
returned to the table with Misato.  "You have way too many cats," said Misato.

"Better than a penguin."

"Penpen is like a member of the family."

"At least my cats don't have orgies in the Jacuzzi!"

"That's because they're spayed!"

"Speaking of which, maybe that's what you should do to Kaji."

They both began laughing.   As they were laughing, a small cloud of green dust
crept up onto the counter and landed in Mr.Whiskers cat food bowl.


At NERV meanwhile, Dr. Ikari was talking to Rei.  "I've been getting very
paranoid lately.  I feel that Seele may be spying on us, trying to discover the
truth behind the forth child," said Dr. Ikari, "They don't trust us and frankly
I don't trust them.  We must conceal the true identity of the forth child at
all costs.  If you see anything unusual report to me."

"Yes sir," said Rei.

"Oh yes," said Ikari, "If you see Kaji, listen to if he says anything about me.
 That's all."


Later at NERV, Misato was with the pilots in the briefing room.  "Today we have
a new pilot.  He will be known as the fifth child.", said Misato.

"What?!?", yelled Asuka, "Another one?!?  Are you crazy!"

"I have no control over this," said Misato, "Seele is forcing it onto us.  They
have been very bullish lately, and we need to satisfy their demands to cool
down their suspicion of Penpen.", said Misato.

The door opened.  A 50ish man wearing a school boy uniform walked in. 
"Hello…dudes….my name is Pops….what is up, that is, in reference to what may be
of interest in your life, and not to the geographical location of the celestial
bodies…man.", he said.

Misato stared at him blankly.  "Who are you?", she asked confused.

"I am the fifth child.", he replied.

"How old is he?", whispered Asuka to Misato.  

"I'm thirteen, honey.", he said.

"Ok…Pops…what is your last name?", said Misato.

"My last name?   Um…let's see…I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

"Lost it in the second impact."

"What kind of name is Pops for a thirteen year old boy anyway?"

"It's the kind of name you're supposed to grow into.  And who is this lovely
lady?"

Pops looked directly at Asuka and began to smile.  Asuka looked nervous and
began to sweat.  "I'm going out with Shinji!", she said quickly.

"What?!?", yelled Shinji.

"Quiet, idiot, I'm only pretending to be going out with you to avoid getting
hit on by this weirdo.", whispered Asuka into Shinji's ear.

"Yeah that's right she's my girlfriend!," said Shinji, "Now shine my shoes til
I see my reflection!"

Asuka began glaring angrily at Shinji, before going down on her knees to shine
Shinji's shoes.  

"That's better, bitch!", said Shinji, proud of his newfound power, "And when
you're done, make me some waffles!" 


Meanwhile, Ritsuko was working at her desk, when Kaji walked over.  "Well,
well, well.  It's Dr. Ikari's employee of the month.", said Ritsuko.

"What Misato told you wasn't true,", said Kaji.

"So she didn't walk in on you and Dr. Ikari in centrel dogma last night?"

"Well that part was true.  But she misinterpreted it.  It wasn't what it looked
like."

Kaji's cell phone rang.  "Hello?", he responded into it, "Dr. Ikari, stop
calling me while I'm at work.  Wait, stop crying.  I don't hate you.  I didn't
want to hurt your feelings.  You want to meet me again tonight?  I've been
trying to explain to you that…"

Kaji stopped talking and put down his cell phone.  "He hung up on me!  I don't
believe it!", said Kaji, annoyed.

"Well, boys will be boys…"

"Ritsuko, you don't understand!  It's not like that!  Please do me a favor and
tell Misato that I'm still interested in her and that Ikari means nothing to
me."

"Well…Ok, but you need to promise that you'll feed my cats for me tonight."

"Deal!", said Kaji, as Ritsuko left the room.

"Looks like I'm finally gettin' some pussy…", said Kaji to himself.


Later that day, Asuka, Shinji, Toji, and Kensuke were eating lunch together at
school.  PenPen was at his usual table, surrounded by girls. 

"Hey baby, make me a sandwich!", said Shinji to Asuka.  

"Listen you!  I'm going to castrate you with a can opener if you don't…",
screamed Asuka at Shinji.

"Whoa momma, you look sexy when you're angry," said Pops, who sat down next to
Asuka.  

"I mean, sure thing Shinji dear, anything for my boyfriend.", said Asuka
blushing.

Kensuke and Toji dropped their sandwiches and stared at Shinji, who sat back
smiling as Asuka was making him a sandwich.  Shinji noticed their staring at
him, and whispered to them, "Asuka doesn't want the new pilot Pops to make any
moves on her, so she's pretending to be my girlfriend.  And she knows that if
she doesn't do everything I want, I'll dump her!"

"Ask her to give me a back massage," whispered Kensuke.

"Hey bitch!  Give Kensuke here a back massage!", said Shinji.

"And make it snappy!", added Kensuke.

Asuka walked over to Kensuke and began giving him a back massage.

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff…", said Kensuke.


Misato was sitting at her desk reading papers when Ritsuke came in.  "Hello
Ritsuko.  I've been researching this new Eva pilot.  He seems very strange."

"How so?", said Ritsuko.

"I don't think there is a NERV base in Sri Lanka!  And further more, there is
no record of who his parents are."

"That's odd.  Maybe it's just an error in the database.  Remember the time it
listed Ayanami as dead?"

"That wasn't a mistake!  We really thought Ayanami was dead for a whole week
until we noticed her blinking!"

"Or how about the time that Zak broke in and changed his grade to an A?"

"That was Saved by the Bell!"

"Oh yeah.  Anyway, I'm going to have a late night working tonight. Do you think
you can feed my cats for me?"

"Sure thing.", said Misato.


That night, Shinji, Kensuke, Toji, Penpen, and a few girls from class were back
at Misato's apartment watching TV.  Asuka came in and saw Penpen surrounded by
girls.  "Disgusting!", she said, "Shinji, you better stop pulling this
horsecrap!  It's really pissing me off!"

"At least it's distracting you from being pissed off at me!", said Kensuke.

"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me!", said Asuka, "Now let me resume beating the
crap out of you!"

"I swear Asuka, I didn't give Misato those videos!  I don't know how she saw
them!", said Kensuke.

"Stop bickering you two," said Toji, "Let's just watch a tape of last nights
Japan's Funniest Home Videos."

Toji pressed play.  A Japanese Bob Saget appeared on the screen, and said,
"Hello, and welcome to Japan's funniest home videos!  Today, we are giving out
a billion yen to the person with the funniest video!  Let's see the first
video…"

The video began playing.  A child was playing at the beach.  The child was
eating a lollipop.  A seagull came over and took the lollipop.  The child
struggled with the seagull, until a flock of seagulls came and surrounded him,
biting him as the child cried for his mother.  One seagull tore off one of his
toes, and the others followed, tearing him apart as he wailed away.  

"Now isn't that hilarious!", yelled the enthusiastic host as the video ended,
"Now our next video was sent to us by someone from Tokyo-3.  It's entitled
Shloktoberfest!  Let's watch!"

The new video began playing.  It was of Asuka in the strip club doing her
german dance!

Toji and Shinji fell on the floor laughing.  Kensuke gave a nervous grin at
Asuka, who was boiling mad.  She rushed at him with and began beating him over
the head with a magazine, when they looked up at the screen.  

"Looks like we have a winner!", said the TV host, "Kensuke from Tokyo-3, you
have just won a billion yen!"

Kensuke yelled, "Hooray!  I won!  I won!  I'm rich!"

"No, I'm rich!", said Asuka, "It was me in the video!  It was me who was
embarrased in front of all of Japan!"

"I took the video!  I sent it in!", said Kensuke firmly.

Kensuke began wrestling with Asuka, when PenPen came between them.  "Squawk!
Squawk Squawk Squawk! Squawk Squawk Squawk, Squawk… Squawk", he squawked.

"PenPen's right," said Shinji, "You should spilt the money 50/50.  It's only
fair."

"Fine!  But don't even think of doing something like that again!", said Asuka.

"Deal," said Kensuke, shaking hands with Asuka.  


Misato walked up the stairs to Ritsuko's apartment.  As she turned the key, she
heard footsteps behind her.  She turned around to see Kaji.  "What are you
doing here?!?", they both said simultaneously.

"Ritsuko sent me to feed her cats," said Misato.

"Same here," said Kaji.

"So this is what she was up to."

"I want to talk to you about Commander Ikari."

"You don't have to explain."

"You don't understand.  I didn't have sex with him."

"So you just fooled around…"

"I didn't touch him!"

"So he did all the touching."

"It's not important, all that matters is that I love you and I want to be with
you til the end of time!"

"Shouldn't we feed the cats first?"

Misato opened the door, and looked in shock at the apartment.  Furniture was
thrown around and everything was ripped and torn.  All of the cats were huddled
in the corner.
"What happened here?", said Misato.

A loud growl came from the next room.  "I think that's your answer!", said
Kaji.

Mr.Whiskers leaped out of the next room, breaking down the door.  He was
different though.  He was about the size of an elephant and had glowing red
skin.  "Mr.Whiskers?", said Misato, shocked.

Mr.Whiskers roared, and pounced at Misato, who was saved as Kaji pushed her out
of the way.  Mr.Whiskers continued to jump through the wall, and fell to the
ground level unharmed.  Kaji ran to the window, to see Mr.Whiskers running down
the streets, gradually getting bigger.  "He's getting bigger!", said Kaji.

"Call NERV!", said Misato, "We have ourselves an angel!"

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!


From: crapadoo@aol.com (Crapadoo)
Subject: [Eva][fanFic] PenPen Chronicles 0:4


The PenPen Chronicles
Episode 0:4: The Old Switcheroo
By Adam Friedman
Email Address: GodzillaXY@aol.com

DISCLAIMER: Evangelion and all of it's characters are owned by Gainax and not
me. 

Last episode, we ended with Misato and Kagi discovering an angel in
Mr.Whiskers, Ritsuke's cat.  When we left off, the angel was running down the
streets of Tokyo-3.


The scene at NERV was hectic.  Shinji, PenPen, and Rei were going into battle
any minute now.  Asuka and Pops sat in the corner.  Asuka was obviously pissed
that she didn't get picked to fight.  Pops casually put his arm around her
shoulder.  

"Get off of me!" she yelled.

"I was just trying to comfort you!", he replied.

"Yeah right!  I know you were just trying to put moves on me!"

"Fine, if my comforting you is making you uncomfortable, I'll stop."

They sat their silent.  Pops reached over and grabbed her breasts.  Asuka
slapped him across the face.  "I thought you said you would stop trying to
comfort me?!?", said an angry Asuka.

"I did!  I wasn't trying to comfort you, I was just trying to feel you up!  I'm
a man of my word!"


"Everyone, please try to be careful!  That is my cat you know," said Ritsuke
into the intercom.

"Ritsuke, that thing is an angel!  We need to destroy it at all costs!" said
Misato.

"I know, but I can't help feel guilty.  We shared so much together.  He was
like a best friend to me, always there to comfort me."

"You know, when me and Kagi say your apartment, we saw that he had smashed your
glass cat collection…"

"That bastard!", said Ritsuko, who then preceded to pick up the intercom and
say, "Kill that cat!  Make it suffer the fury of a thousand deaths!"


The 3 EVA's blasted off.  Once on top, they all picked up blasters.  "I'll walk
left, Rei, you take right, PenPen, go up the middle.", said Shinji to the other
pilots.  

The pilots walked down their paths, scanning the area visually for the angel. 
Suddenly, Unit 1 was pounced on by the 60 story tall Mr.Whiskers, knocking the
blaster away.  They rolled around for a while, while Unit 0 struggled for
control.  Unit 1 ran up from behind and pulled Mr.Whiskers off of Rei.  
Mr.Whiskers gave a roar, and slashed at Unit 1 with it's claws.  Unit 3 jumped
onto Mr.Whisker's shoulders and began playing it's head like a bongo drum. 
Mr.Whiskers coiled back, and began running around, with Unit 3 riding on it
like a bucking bronco.  Eventually, it was thrown off and into the ground. 


Meanwhile inside, Misato looked at the screen.  "Mr.Whiskers is tougher than we
thought!," said Misato, "Send in Unit 2!".


Mr.Whiskers was knocking Unit 3 and 1's heads together, when Unit 2 popped out
of the underground tunnel and ran towards Mr.Whiskers with a blaster. 
Mr.Whiskers dropped unit's 1 and 3, and charged Unit 2, swallowing the blaster
in one bite.  It began coughing, as if choking on the blaster, and spit up a
hairball.  The hairball was glowing green, and Mr.Whiskers shrank back to
normal size.  "Whatever made Mr.Whiskers turn into an angel, must be in that
hairball!", yelled Shinji.


Down on street level, the drunken delivery boy who had delivered Ikari's
flowers to Kaji was wandering around on the streets, wasted beyond belief. 
"Fire me from the delivery service, huh?  Well screw them!  Hic!  Cause ah gots
ma saki!", he said, taking a swig of his saki.

He staggered over to the glowing hairball.  "Now what's do we gots here…hic! 
Looks like a huge meatball!  My favorite…mmboy, time ta dig in!  Hic!" 

He took a bite out of the hairball.  "Now dats one spicy meatball!"

His skin began glowing red, and he began growing at a fast rate.  "Dammit, man,
this has gots ta be da best damn saki I've ever had!  Hic!"


"Look!  That wino is becoming the angel!", yelled Asuka.  

The wino grew to the size of an eva, and staggered around a little bit.  

"Destroy the target!," yelled Misato into the intercom, "It must be done!"

Unit 3 rushed towards the wino, but was smacked to the ground by his arms,
which were moving around anonymously in all directions.  Unit 1 ran up and
tried to get him in an arm lock, but instead the wino just began waltzing with
it, eventually throwing it on top of unit 3.  Unit 2 ran up and gave him an
uppercut in the gut.  The wino began vomiting, and shrunk back to original
size.  Unit 2 slipped on the vomit and fell on top of units 1 and 3.  


The wino looked around confused.  He looked at the EVA's piled on top of each
other next to him.  "Whoa, man, Robotech!  Awesome!  Hic!", he said in his
drunken slur, "Dude, covered in vomit am I!  Must have been those funky ars
meatballs!  Hic!  I still see chunks of them.  Hey man, ya know wats they say,
food tastes better da second time around!"

He scooped up vomit, and was about to eat it when a NERV armed unit ran up to
him.  "Put the vomit down!", they said.

"Hey man!  Get yer own damn vomit!", he replied.

"We will shoot you!"

"Ok, ok, cool it, there's enough here for everybody!  Just let me take a taste
first…Hic!"

A NERV officer armed with a tranquilizer gun shot him several times in the
chest.  The other men in biohazard suits collected the specimen and carried it
off in a special container.


"Excellant, we have the angel alive for study," said Misato in the control
room, "Now let's eject the entry plugs!"

"There's a problem," said one of the technicians, "When the EVA's fell, they
all fell on top of a huge flag pole.  And it looks as if that flagpole pierced
the entry plugs of all 3 EVA's!"

"Are they alive!"

"Yes, but the LCL is leaking, we need to act fast before any serious brain
damage occurs."

"Send out people now, as soon as possible!"


PenPen awoke in a hospital bed.  He looked at his wings and feet, and yelled
out in Asuka's voice, "Ahhhhh!  This has to be a bad dream!"

Asuka walked into the room and said in Shinji's voice, "PenPen, I'm so glad to
see you!  I see you looked confused, let me explain, me and Asuka somehow
switched bodies during battle!  Freaky, huh?  Well, wanna know the strange
thing?  I sorta like having breasts!"

PenPen shouted back in Asuka's voice, "Shinji, you pig!  You violated me!  How
could you!"

Asuka recoiled back and said as Shinji, "Asuka!  You're PenPen!"

"Yeech, and don't even tell me about whatever sick things you did with my
body!"

"If you're PenPen, and I'm you, who's me?"

Shinji stepped into the room, locking arms with 2 hot nurses.  Asuka said as
Shinji, "So I guess this explains it then…"

"Squak!", said Shinji.

"Oh Shinji, you really know how to make a woman hot," said one of the nurses,
"And you are so good in bed too."

Misato stepped into the room and looked around.  She said, "Shinji!  I had no
idea you had such a way with women!"

"Squawk!", said Shinji.

Misato gave Shinji a blank stare.  

PenPen jumped in.  "I can explain.  We all switched bodies, I'm PenPen,
Shinji's me, and PenPen's Shinji!" 

"So that's what happened!  During the battle, you all must have exchanged
LCL!", said Misato.

"Can you please change us back as soon as possible!  Shinji's being a
pervert!", said PenPen.

"I'll see what I can do," said Misato, "Are there any other unusual things
happening?"

"Yeah!", said PenPen, "Ayanami has switched personalities with a block of wood!
 But no one's noticed so, it doesn't matter."


Commander Ikari was watching all of this on his moniter.  "Hmmm…", he thought
as he was scratching his chin.  He got up and walked into the hallway, where
Kaji was waiting for an elevator.  He ran towards Kaji and said, "Kaji!  Oh
Kaji darling!  It's me, Misato!  Me and Gendou switched bodies!"

"Yeah right," said Kaji, "People can't switch bodies, it's impossible!"

The elevator rang, and opened.  Asuka was inside panting, and said in Shinji's
voice, "Asuka's trying to kill me!  She found out what I did with her
brattwurst!"

The next elevator opened, and PenPen ran out and shouted at Asuka in Asuka's
voice, "I'll get you, you little sicko!".

PenPen chased Asuka down the hall.  Gendou smiled at Kaji.  "It really is
you!", said Kaji.

"Kiss me, sweety," said Gendou.  They began to kiss, as the elevator opened
again and Misato came out.  "Kaji, what the hell are you doing!", she screamed.
 

Kaji turned around, saw Misato, turned back, and saw Gendou smiling at him.


The next day at school, Toji and Kensuke walked into class to see Shinji
surrounded by dozens of girls.  "What?!?", yelled Toji, "Shinji, you casanova
you!"

Asuka walked up to them and said as Shinji, "It's me Shinji, me, Asuka, and
PenPen switched bodies during battle.  I know this may seem funny to you, but
please, please don't laugh."

Toji and Kensuke both burst out laughing hysterically.  PenPen waddled over and
said as Asuka, "Hey losers!  What's so funny!"

They began to laugh even more.  After the laughing cooled down, Kensuke took
out 6 plane tickets.  "So Asuka, or should I say PenPen, the tickets came in
the mail today to go to Kyoto to collect our prize for Japan's Funniest Home
Videos!"

"I can't be seen on TV like this!  I'm a bird!  And this is all your fault
Shinji!", PenPen yelled.

Pops walked up to Asuka and said, "You're lookin' sexier than ever, honey. 
Whatdaya say we go fool around in the angel shelter?"

Asuka began to sweat, "Listen, I'm not Asuka really, I'm Shinji!"

"Shinji?  You don't look like Shinji.  Shinji is over there surrounded by
girls.  Say, wasn't Shinji your boyfriend?  So I guess you're single again…"  

PenPen fell on the floor laughing.  Asuka kicked PenPen's rocket pack, which
launched him through the window screaming. 


Back at the lab, scientists carefully studied the glowing angel vomit.  It was
contained in a special inescapable unit.  Dr.Zaxon, a short scientist with tiny
glasses and a beak like nose was writing the same equation over and over again
on a chalkboard.  Misato entered the lab wearing a lab coat and goggles.  "So
Dr. Zaxon, what have we discovered about the angel?"

"Ze unngeel es leek ay beochamikal soupstahnce zat ays varee varee paroone ta
kra-ating es unngeel foor ze inzeveedool who eengeests eet!", Dr. Zaxon said.  

"Uh, could you repeat that?", Misato said, not understanding a word of his
accent.  

Another scientist leaned over to her and whispered, "I know he doesn't speak
english well, but don't insult him.  He's from the old country."

"Which old country?"

"I don't really know." 

"Hoo-eever," Dr. Zaxon continued, "Ve moost kap de ungeel undar coontral, far
eet es steel leevang und es thrat ta ahl a ya!"

"He says the angels still living, and it's a threat to all of us.", said the
other scientist.

There was a knock on the door.  Misato opened it an the drunken messenger boy
came in.  

"How the hell did you get past security!", Misato said.

"I just gots one question.  Hic!  Can ah gets ma vomit back?", he said in his
drunken slur.

"No, you can't!  Your vomits an angel!"

"An angel!  Whoa man, I don't remember eatin that!  But then again, I don't
remember annything at all really after drinking all dat Saki!  Hic!"


TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

From: crapadoo@aol.com (Crapadoo)
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] PenPen Chronicles Episode 0:5

The PenPen Chronicles 
Episode 0:5: Untangling the Web
By Adam Friedman
Email me at GodzillaXY@aol.com

DISCLAIMER: Neon Genesis Evangelion are owned by GAINAX and not me!

Author's Note
When we last left off, Asuka, Shinji, and PenPen had all switched bodies. 
Shinji is in Asuka's body, Asuka is in PenPen's body, and PenPen is in Shinji's
body.  Confused?  Read episode 0:4!  Also, if you don't understand Dr.Zaxon's
mispronounced dialogue, try saying it out loud.  Also, stay tuned for Episode
0:6!


"What?", yelled PenPen in Asuka's voice, "What do you mean they don't know how
to switch back the bodies!"

"We will find out eventually," replied Misato. 

"Dammit!  I have to appear on TV this week, and I can't be seen like this!"

Asuka (with Shinji's mind, of course), walked out of her bedroom, looking like
something the cat dragged in.  Her hair was messed up, and she was dressed like
a slob.  She walked over to the fridge and pulled out a carton of ice cream and
began eating it.

"Look how Shinji's treating my body!", said PenPen.

Shinji walked out of the fridge with the class rep.  "Oh, hi Shinji!", she said
to Asuka, "I have a favor to ask of you!  Bring this homework assignment over
to Pops."

"Dah!" yelled Asuka, "No, no, I can't!"

"You have to fulfill your class duty!"

"But …bu t …I…doh!"

PenPen was on the floor cracking up, as Asuka grabbed the papers and stormed
out the door.

Asuka walked up to Pops door and knocked.  "One minute!", said Pops from
inside.

He opened the door wearing a velvet robe and smoked a pipe.  "Come in, my
dear…", he said.

"You know, I'm really Shinji, just in Asuka's body.", Asuka replied.

"So?  It's all good.  Don't make no difference to me!"

"I only came over here to drop off your schoolwork, I have to get going."

"Why?  The fun's just about to begin, sweet cheeks."

Asuka dropped the homework and ran away screaming.  Pops closed the door and
walked back into his apartment.  "Coast is clear!", he said.

A member of SEELE stepped out from the kitchen.  "We at SEELE assigned you here
for a specific reason: To find out the truth about the fourth child.  Instead,
all you're doing is trying to bang the second child!  For crying out load,
you're 52 years old!  You're married and have children of your own!", the SEELE
man said.

"Pops likes em young.", said Pops, grinning, "Besides, all work and no play
makes Pops a dull boy."

"This is your last warning, you oversexed pedophile!"

"I think someone's jealous," sang Pops.

"Jealous?  Of what!"

"You don't got my sweet moves.  Pops is a ladies man extrordinaire!  Hey, if
you want, I can hook you up with that Ayanami chick."

"Give me a break, you've been trying to get with Asuka all week and have gotten
nowhere!"

"Pops likes to take his time. I'm workin' the mojo, she'll be mine by the end
of this week.  Hey, wanna put a wager on it?"

"No, I don't want to encourage you!  You're here as a spy!  Now you either
deliver the dirt on the fourth child by next week, or you'll be dead!"

The SEELE man stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.  Pops
thought to himself, `Hot damn, that only gives me a week to get into bed with
that Asuka chick!'.


Dr. Zaxon was studying in the NERV lab when Misato and Commander Ikari walked
in.  "Any good news for me today, Dr. Zaxon?", said Ikari.

"Yees, en noo", the foreign scientist said, "Ze good newz eez dat zee cheeldrun
shull bah sweetched buck queet eezeely!  Ull ve guts ta do, eez drun ze brans
uv ahl flueed, und meek ze oold sveetchiroo."

"That's great!", said Misato, "PenPen, I mean, Asuka, will be so happy," said
Misato.

"Vait!", said Dr. Zaxon, "Ze proocadre is vary vary dengeeras!  Ze childreen
reesk dath!"

"Oh no!", said Misato, "Is there any other way to do it?"

"Yeez dar eez.  Eet eez nut scieenteefical, eet eez mar speeritual.  Ta geeve
ze cheeldran bak dar uld boodas, zey veel hav ta ba jooned speeritualli, az
keendrad speeriats."

"How do they do that?", said Misato.

"Und manage au trois!"

"To manage a bar???", said Ikari.

"Nu!  A beeg fukan oorgey!"

"Well, it's worth a try…", said Misato.

"Doctor, will it help if me and Kagi have sex?", said Ikari.

"Eet coont hoort, ah soopuse…", said Dr.Zaxon. 

"Excellent," said Ikari, smiling. 


Misato walked into the apartment to see PenPen choking Asuka and Shinji making
out with two models at once.  `And I thought Ritsuko was weird living with all
of those cats', thought Misato to herself.  

"Listen up everybody," said Misato, "I have some news.  We can switch your
bodies back."

"All right!", said PenPen.

"There are two ways of doing it.  One way is very dangerous and you can all
die.  The other way is more spiritual, where you must all bond as kindred
spirits.", said Misato.

"The second one of course!", said PenPen, "I have to be alive, I'm appearing on
TV soon!"

"Very well, then.  The bonding session will take place tomorrow at NERV.", said
Misato.


The next day at NERV, PenPen, Asuka, and Shinji were sitting in the special
bonding room.  "Ze boonding veel bagan soon!", said Dr.Zaxon over the
loudspeaker.

"I wonder what we will have to do for this test…", said Asuka.

"It's probably going to be like the Breakfast Club, you know, bonding!", said
PenPen.

"I guess so," said Asuka.

In the control booth, was Dr.Zaxon, Misato, Kaji, and Commander Ikari. 
"What?!?", said Kaji, in shock.  

"Think of the children!", said Commander Ikari.

"How will having sex with you help the children!"

"It can't hurt the children…"

"Ok you two love birds, stop it for one second while I brief the children",
said Misato.

Misato began speaking into the intercom.  "Bonding is a spiritual method to
help us bring you back to your old selves.  The end result of bonding, will be
all of you being kindred spirits.  And with all of you as kindred spirits, you
should be able to switch back spiritually to your own selves since you'll all
be one.  This kind of bonding though can only be done…sexually…", said Misato.

Asuka and PenPen stood staring at each other dumbfounded.  They looked over and
saw that Shinji was already undressed, and holding his arms out.  "Well," said
PenPen, "I guess doing it with myself won't be so bad…"

PenPen leaped onto Asuka and began kissing her passionately.  "Squawk!", Shinji
said, and Asuka and PenPen stopped and looked over at Shinji who was smiling
and holding a can of lubricant and a device shaped like the male anatomy.  

"This is way too hentai for me", said PenPen.

"Yeah, too lemon.", said Asuka.

"Ah, screw it, let's do it the other way.", said PenPen and they walked out of
the room, followed by a disappointed Shinji.


Asuka, Shinji, and PenPen were strapped to hospital beds, and they were hooked
up to machines that were switching their brain fluids.  

Asuka , still with Shinji's personality closed her eyes and went into a dream
sequence:
Father!
Why did you make me a pilot!
Because it's your destiny!
I don't want to be a pilot!
You have to!
But I don't want to!
Yes you do!
No I don't!
Do!
Don't!
Do!
Don't!
Don't!
Do!
Ha Ha, got you!
I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away!
Running away is for cowards…
I want to be a coward!
I want to be humiliated!
Asuka, humiliate me!
Be cruel to me!
Make others take pity on me!
Asuka!
I love you even though you're cruel to me…
I love you because you're cruel to me…
But who do I really want…
Pops, is it you?
Pops, with you sly wit and you natural good looks
You are the one I love…

Shinji awoke in a cold sweat.  The dream was over and he was back to his old
body again.  That dream scared Shinji.  It was weirder than most of his self
analysis dreams.  How did Pops get in there?

He looked to his side to see Asuka and PenPen lying in their beds.  The
operation had gone successfully and they had all lived.  

The nurse was checking Asuka's blood pressure.  `Hey!', Shinji thought to
himself, `That's the same nurse who was all over me back when PenPen was in my
body!  Maybe I can do that too!  How hard can it be?', thought Shinji to
himself.

"Excuse me, nurse?", said Shinji.

"Yes?", she said.

"Uh, what's a fine girl like you doing in a place like this?"

"I work here."

"Um, I see.  And what a fine job you do too.  You know, you look great in that
outfit."

"It's the uniform, I'm forced to wear it."

"Umm, yup.  Yup yup yup yup yup.  You know, there's enough room in this
hospital bed for the two of us…"

"What did you just say?!?"

Shinji began shaking.  `What would PenPen say?', he thought.

"Sqwuak!", Shinji said.

The nurse slapped him and walked out of the room.



The next morning, Shinji, Asuka, PenPen, Touji, Kensuke, and Rei were waiting
at the train station.  Kensuke was filming the trains going by, when Misato
walked up.  "Misato!", said Asuka, "What are you doing here?".

"You need a chaperon.  Imagine, you kids all by yourself in the big city, you
could be going to wild parties and drinking dangerous amounts of booze, and I
wouldn't be there to join in on all of the fun!", said Misato.

The train pulled up bound for Kyoto.  The group filed on and the train pulled
off into the sunrise.


TO BE CONTINUED!!!!


From: crapadoo@aol.com (Crapadoo)
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] PenPen Chronicles 6:Iron PenPen


The PenPen Chronicles 
Episode 0:6: IRON PENPEN
By Adam Friedman
Email me at GodzillaXY@aol.com

DISCLAIMER: Evangelion and all of it's characters are owned by GAINAX and not
me!

When we last left off, Asuka, Shinji, PenPen, Misato, Rei, Kensuke, and Touji
were riding a train to Kyoto where they are to appear on Japan's Funniest Home
Videos for the video Kensuke took of Asuka back in episode 0:1.  Confused? 
Read the other installments!  They can be found here:
http://members.aol.com/godzillaXY/eva.html


The train pulls up at the Kyoto station and Kensuke runs out with camera in
hand.  Touji and Shinji run up next to him and look around.  All of a sudden,
they burst into song, singing (to the tune of New York, New York):
"Kyoto, it's a hell of a town
The ramen stands up, the kabuki theater is down
Back home we only have a big hole in the ground
Kyoto!  It's a hell of a town!"

A passing man mutters, "Damn tourists!".

Misato and the rest get off of the train, carrying all of their bags.  "Come on
guys, we can tour around later, let's just drop off our stuff at the hotel!",
said Misato.


They opened the door to their hotel room to find that it was the size of a
refrigerator box and the walls were made of origami paper.  "Ah, business class
Japanese style!", said Misato, who knelt down to get into the room.

"Are you sure this isn't the room to keep our luggage?", said Asuka.

"This is what the TV studio gave us," said Kensuke.

"How much is a room regularly?", said Shinji.

"It seems to be either your first born child or the cash equivalent!", said
Kensuke, reading the hotel brochure. 

"Kyoto can be a very expensive city, we need to watch our money," said Misato.

"Yeah, watch it run out!", said Asuka.

"I think me, Touji, and Kensuke will go exploring now…", said Shinji.

"Ok, we'll meet in the lobby downstairs at 7 o'clock for dinner.", said Misato,
"And remember, the show films tonight at 10!"


Shinji, Kensuke, and Touji were walking along the street in Kyoto, and walked
into a video store.  "Yes!  They have them!", yelled Kensuke, running over to a
shelf full of videos.  

"Have what?", said Touji.

"American sitcoms!  They have all of them!  Seinfeld, Full House, the rare
Saved by the Bell OAV, they're all here!", said Kensuke, about to have an
anxiety attack.

Kensuke grabbed an armful of videos and walked over to the counter.  "How much
are these videos?", Kensuke said to the man behind the counter.  

"35 dollars each!", he said.

"What?  For one measly video?!?"

"They are imports!  From America!  Very super rare!"

"I can't afford 35 dollars, that's outrageous!"

"Come on, Kensuke, let's leave," said Shinji, pushing him out of the store.

A sign caught Kensuke's eye.  "Hey, you guys!  There's an American media
convention!  And it's today!"


At the convention, most people were dressed like their favorite American
characters.  There was Urkel, Garfield, Ghostbusters, Bob Saget, and even ALF. 
Kensuke ran around staring at all of the dealers tables, while Shinji and Touji
lagged behind him.  

"Look you guys!  It's the soundtrack to Saved By The Bell!", said Kensuke.

"Yes, super high quality number one!", said the dealer.

"Wait a minute, I think these are bootlegs…", said Touji, "It says on the back
made by Hong Kong Bootleg express!".

"It's only a name!  Come on, buy you these now!", said the dealer, "Or how
about this Super collector model of the Dilbert!"

The dealer held up a tin can with the word Dilbert on it spelled with 3 L's and
several A's.  Kensuke grabbed for his wallet when Touji stopped him.  "Kensuke,
what the hell are you thinking?!?", said Touji.

"Imagine how much I can sell it for on ebay!", said Kensuke.

"Hey, how bout some Muppet Show hentai?", said the dealer.

Kensuke grabbed the manga from the dealer and flipped through the pages.  "Why
the hell does Gonzo always have to hook up with Ms.Piggy!", said Kensuke,
throwing the manga down and walking away.


PenPen was wandering around the streets, when a guy in a pimp outfit walked up
to him and said, "Hey, PenPen baby, what's up?"

"Squawk!", replied PenPen, "Squawk, Squawk, Squawk, Squawk Squawk Squawk:
Squawk!"

"Whoa!  That many!", said the Pimp, "You know, PenPen, I have a friend who
works in erotic entertainment…"

"Squawk?"

"Porno.  Anyway, you seem to have a certain way with women.  My friend is
shooting a movie today and I think you would be great for the lead role!"

"Squawk!"

"That's great, come on, I'll take you to his studio right now!"


Asuka, Misato, and Rei were sitting at a bar.  Asuka and Misato were surrounded
by empty shot glasses.  Rei stared blankly at a wall.  "Misato, have we had too
much to drink?  After all, it's only the afternoon!", said Asuka.

"You're so naïve.  I'm not even half done yet!", said Misato, "Hey bartender! 
More saki over here!"

"I'm sorry ma'am, don't you think you've had enough?", said the bartender.

"I'll tell you when I've had enough!", said Misato, grabbing the bartender by
the collar, "Now this is living life Kyoto style!"

Misato looked at Rei sadly.  "Come on Ayanami, have a drink!", said Misato,
pushing a shot glass of saki in her face.

"I would prefer not to…", said Rei.

"Come on, Rei, have some fun!"

"What is this fun that you speak of?"

Misato pinched Rei's nose and poured a shot glass of saki down her throat.  Rei
blinked for a few seconds, dazed. She then lept from her stool and walked up
onto the karoke stage.  She whispered something in the DJ's ear.  Meatloaf
music began playing, and Rei burst into song.

Misato and Asuka stared with their mouths hanging open as Rei sang her heart
out. 

Misato turned to the bartender.  "Bartender?  Better make that a double," said
Misato.


Later that night, the group met in the hotel lobby, with the exception of
PenPen.  "Where's PenPen?", said Misato.

The man behind the hotel desk leaped over the counter and handed Misato a note.
 On it, was an unreadable scribble with a fish stapled to the bottom.  "I guess
he made other plans…", said Misato.

The group left the lobby and walked along the street looking at the different
restaurants to choose from.  They decided on one, and walked in.

Asuka looked at the menu and gave a disgusted face.  "Why can't they have
normal food?  Like brattwurst or venurschnitzel?", she said.

"You are in Japan, Asuka, these are normal foods," said Shinji.


Meanwhile on the other side of town.  PenPen was yelling at a porno director. 
"PenPen, baby, come on, do this scene for me!", said the director.

PenPen smacked him with a fish.  "He says his character would never say
something like that.  Where's the motivation?", said the pimp.

"Well this is my movie!  I am the director, not him!  I didn't go to mail order
film school to take orders from some bird!"

PenPen looked at him with hatred.  He whipped out a 40 pound trout and began
whacking the director mercilessly.  The director fell to the floor and covered
himself with his arms.  "All right, all right!  You win!", said the director.

PenPen stopped the beating and the director stood up.  "Let the bird do
whatever he wants!", he said.  

PenPen, with one hit, flung the director out of the window and into an open
truck full of fish.  "Sugar daddy PenPen," said the pimp, "You are the man!  I
guess we don't have a movie anymore, why don't we go home and take a nap."

Two women wearing sailor scout lingerie walked out of the bathroom.  "Do we
still get paid?", said one of them.

PenPen gave a wink to the pimp, and the orgy began.


Back at the restaurant, the group was eating their food happily with the
exception of Asuka.  "Ew, seaweed?  As food?", she said, and flung it with her
chop sticks behind her back.  It hit the head chef in the face.

Angry, he stormed up to Asuka and became dark red.  "Ah, good you're here,"
said Asuka, "Can I get some sausage or something?  Or at least some ketchup…".

"You have dishonored me in my own kitchen!  I am a master chef!", said the
chef.

"Master Chef, huh?  You don't look like Emeril to me!  I could probably cook
better than you!", said Asuka.

"We shall see!", said the Chef, "Tonight we shall do battle in Kitchen
Stadium!".

The Chef pointed to his pendant, which bore the symbol of the Iron Chef.

"Uh oh," said Asuka, being glared upon by the others.


Kitchen Stadium was packed full, yet silent.  The Master of Ceremonies walked
out onto the balcony, and a light shone on him.  "All my life, I have desired
new and exotic dishes by the top chefs of Japan.  However, I was short on
money.  So I created Kitchen Stadium, where the greatest chefs compete in
battle.  I have selected the top Chef's from each style of cooking, to be my
Iron Chefs, who will crush all who come in their paths.", said the master of
ceremonies, who then grabbed an onion, bit into it, and looked around the
stadium, "Tonight's challengers are a bunch of Tokyo-3 tourists who challenged
Iron Chef Japanese before this evening.  They will be competing against all of
the Iron Chefs, Japanese, Chinese, French, and Italian, in a tag team battle. 
Tonight's theme ingredient, is very rare.  On the market, it goes for millions
of dollars.  Here is our theme ingredient, water!".

The master of ceremonies pulled away a tablecloth to reveal a bowl of water.  A
bell sounded, signifying the beginning of the match.  The Chef's from both
sides rushed towards the table and grabbed as much as they could before running
back to their stations.  

"All right, I'm the head chef around here, so we're all going to what I say!",
said Asuka, speaking to the rest of the group, all wearing chefs uniforms. 

"So what's your plan?", said Shinji.

"I don't know," said Asuka, almost breaking into tears.


Up on the judges panel, the food critic was introducing the panel.  "Here is a
return judge, fortune teller Shiro Kolordo.  How are you doing, Shiro?"

"I predict this meal will be very very bad!", she said angrily.

"Super, and next to her is actress Hiya Pedeska.  Have you ever had water
before?"

"No, never, so I am really looking forward to how this will turn out.", said
Hiya.

"Great.  And here is artist, Spinach.  Now that's an unusual name, how did you
get it?"

Spinach blinked at the food critic and then stuck his fist in his own mouth.

"Outstanding, and here is lower house member, Erno Kan!"

"Bring on the grub or I will kill you!", yelled Erno.

"Awesome!  Thanks for coming back!", said the critic.

"I am serious!  I will commit manslaughter as a means to feed my hunger!"

"Now what are the challengers doing now?", said the actress.

"It looks like the red haired one is beating on the black haired boy!"

"Fukai-san!", said a mysterious voice.  It belonged to Kani, also known as the
man on the street.

"Yes, Kani?", said the critic.

"Chef Asuka says that Chef Shinji's an incompetent fool and that this is all
his fault."

"And what is she doing now?", said the actress.

"She appears to be sticking Chef Shinji in an oven" said the critic.


"Get Shinji out of the oven!", yelled Misato, "We need to be serious.  Each one
of us can prepare one dish each."

"I'll make brattwurst from my native Germany!", said Asuka.

"I can make water sashimi!", said Kensuke.

"I'll make soup," volunteered Touji.

"I guess I can try stir fry," said Shinji.

"I can make water ice cream," said Rei.

"Good!  Now I will work on my world famous microwave oysters!", said Misato.


On the other side of Kitchen Stadium, the 4 Iron Chefs were each busy on their
own dish.  Iron Chef Japanese was working on a dish which involved inverting a
pig and filling it with pre digested abalone.  Iron Chef Italian and French
were tag teaming on a mushroom and seafood banquet.  Iron Chef Chinese was
bumbling around chopping up his own hat.  Kani approached him.  "What are you
working on here?", Kani asked.

"To tell the truth, I have no idea!  I just hope I don't screw up again!", the
confused Chef said. 

As he looked away from what he was cutting, he chopped off his finger. 
"Ahhhh!", he yelled, "My finger!"


Meanwhile, in his motel room, PenPen, the pimp, and the two porn stars were
bathing in the hot tub.  "Hey PenPen baby, turn on Iron Chefs.  That Morimoto
makes me so hot.", said one of the porn stars. 

PenPen flipped on the TV, and saw Shinji trying desperately to slice water.  He
let out a sqwauk, leaped out of the tub, put on his rocket pack, and blasted
off.  

"That was odd," said the pimp, "Well, I guess you ladies have me all for
yourselves."

The ladies got out of the tub.  "No way," one of them said, "If PenPen is gone,
we're gone!"


PenPen flew into kitchen stadium, slapping Iron Chef Japanese on the way in
with a fish. 
"PenPen!", yelled Misato, "You came!". 

"One Minute Left," the announcer said.

PenPen, in a storm of movement, began seasoning his fish like it was the end of
the world.  By the time it was done, it had so much seasoning on it, that it
looked like a pile of dirt.   

"Time is over!", yelled the announcer.  


First, the Iron Chef's faced the judges.  All of their dishes impressed the
finicky panel, even the hateful fortune teller.  Then, it was the time for
judgment.  First dish up, was Asuka's brattwurst.  "What the hell is this
supposed to be?!?", yelled the lower house member. 

The actress vomited and Spinach put his napkin over his head.   The reactions
to the other dishes was similar.  The fortune teller gave a death wish on
Kensuke after tasting his water sashimi.  Misato was given deportation papers
by the lower house member.  

Finally, it was time for PenPen's fish.  The room was silent as the judges ate.
 "This is really good!", said the actress.  

"The seasoning is excellent, all of the flavors are controlled perfectly!",
exclaimed the lower house member. 

The fortune teller stood up and announced, "This is the best fish I've ever
had!".

Spinach announced that it reminded him of having sex with a dead horse.  

The judges wrote down their scores.  Sweat built on everyone's brows as they
announced the winner.  They won!  The Iron Chef's had lost because instead of
giving them a numerical score, Spinach drew a picture of a clown, which counted
as a zero.  Asuka and the group celebrated, as Iron Chef Japanese grew bright
red. 


That night, the group walked home merrily, holding up their new trophy.  They
passed by a TV store and stopped, seeing Japan's funniest home videos was on. 
"It's too bad we missed it," said Asuka.  

"Don't worry," said Kensuke, "I'll keep on video taping your embarrassing
moments."

"Time to announce this week's new winner!", said the Japanese Bob Saget on TV. 

A video began rolling of Asuka kissing PenPen.  "What!?!" yelled Asuka,
"Misato!  How did that get on tape!".

"I have no idea!", said Misato.  

"HaHa!", said Shinji, "You must be pretty embarrassed now!"

Then, the TV showed Shinji naked holding a pleasure device and a can of
lubricant.  

Shinji turned bright red as Asuka laughed herself onto the floor.    
 
They all stopped laughing when they saw Pops collecting the prize money.  
"That pervert!", yelled Asuka.  

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!