Kevin Shiue This is a darkfic, at least, people have told me so. It's meant to be a bit confusing, thought-provoking, much like the original series. Standard warning: there are spoilers here... Standard disclaimer: this fic is in no way meant to knock N.G. Evangelion... etc.etc. Yours, Kevin Shiue | Willpower cannot change Fate, | Fate cannot change Willpower. http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/~shiue | Therefore, we can only hope... | For the best, and smile. --- Neverending Suffering by Kevin Shiue "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away," chanted Shinji, mouthing his mantra, his pillar of support, as he faced the formidable Angel. It was almost a blur, a blip in the atmosphere, practically invisible, only identifiable by the puny U.N. airships that were exploding in the presence of the A.T. field. "C'mon, Shinji, it's up to you to locate the core of the Angel!" shouted Misato over the intercomm. "When you do, you must destroy it. Remember what I said earlier." "Hai!" shouted Shinji, as he faced the distortion in the atmosphere. Suddenly, he saw the sky, and then Tokyo-3 flipped upside down, as he was pulled up and swung around. Small red icons around the inside of the viewscreen popped up red, with "Warning" signs in them, as the entire system destabilized... again. Pain shot up through Shinji's legs, as pressure clamped on the EVA-01's legs, and twisted them to near pulp. A sudden hit to the head sent Shinji flying back. He grasped at his head, screaming. He could almost taste blood in his mouth, as his own body reacted to the pain that EVA-01 experienced. It was more than physical pain, though. His head ached of pressure, pressure to succeed, as humanity depended on him. "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away," he thought again, oblivious that his power cord had been cut, and he now had one minute to win. "Shinji! Take a retreat for now, we'll regroup and figure out the situation later!" shouted Misato. -- Shinji awoke, underneath an unfamiliar ceiling. This wasn't right. For some reason, he couldn't remember what had happened. His head felt like a brick, as he tried to sit up. It was all wrong. Almost a year ago, he had been summoned to pilot the Evangelion, to save humanity. Yet, it seemed as if this never happened. Was it a year ago? No this was his first time piloting Eva. His first time piloting Eva. He had been called in today, and piloted Eva. Then why did it seem to him that didn't happen? Misato knocked softly, then slid the door open. She stood, against the frame of the door, silhouetted by the bright light behind her. "How are you feeling now?" she asked. "I feel a little funny..." muttered Shinji, as he tried once again to sit up. Again, he couldn't. It felt almost as if his entire body was tied down. "I can't seem to sit up." Misato looked at him sadly. "You'll get used to it... it takes a bit of adjusting." She motioned to sit down beside him on the bed, but thought better of it, and walked back toward the door again. You'll have to get used to it, thought Misato, as she walked out of the room, and the door shut behind her. Shinji fell back asleep. When he awoke again, it was under a different ceiling. His entire body felt sore, and his head hurt. He got up off the bed, and realized, just how out of shape he was. His entire body felt as if he hadn't used it for a few months, and this was only from piloting Eva. But he wasn't entirely sure he did pilot Eva. His head hurt. He went to the only door of the room, and opened it. It was obviously a living area, but was completely foreign to him. "Welcome back!" exclaimed Misato, as she walked around into a kitchen, and grabbed for herself a nice cold beer. "Ah, so this is a normal apartment," thought Shinji, as he followed Misato into the kitchen. "Misato, how do I know her name?" he thought, utterly confused. "Ah yes, I'm living as her roommate now." But this still didn't seem right. In his nightmares, he had seen many horrors. Dismembered body parts, identical multiplets, destroyed souls, he had seen all, yet, they didn't seem like dreams, they didn't seem like delusions. They were real... all those people shot, all those people dead. Those were real, yet were they? He had already seen it happen. Out of whim, he asked "What date is it?" "Oh yes, you slept for quite a bit, didn't you..." responded a somewhat slurred Misato. "Yes, last I remember it was June of 2016, I had..." but, he couldn't remember what he had done... he couldn't remember, because he hadn't actually lived though that time. Had he? But, yes, he remembered. It was his birthday, it was his birthday, the one that he celebrated, alone. He was fifteen. "What date is it?" he asked again, a sense of urgency in his voice. His memories, his life was slipping away before his very eyes, his body was almost out of his control, and his mind not far away. He was rapidly reduced to a wreck. Yet, no, he wasn't out of control. The simple fact that his mind could detect this meant that at least, he had some semblence of sanity left in him. "What date is it?" he asked for a third time, more urgently this time. "Oh, it's June 11, 2015," replied Misato, "you've slept for 3 days..." But it couldn't be, could it? Then those dreams, those horrors, those visions, were truly products of his troubled mind. What was worse, was that his body was reacting similarly. He noticed that more and more, his body was becoming sensitive to heat, cold, pressure. He was now a bit itchy slightly below the beltline, on his side. He reached for it, and scratched, discovering a small plastic tag. He tore at it, and it came off, and with it a small piece of skin. The interesting thing was that he felt no pain. It was black, with red lettering. On one side, was simply [#287]. He flipped the tag, and was shocked by what he saw. He went to the now lounging Misato, and waved the tag in front of her face. It was almost a magical moment, as Misato was sobered by the tag that read "Property of NERV." "I guess I forgot to tell you... I'm really sorry." Shinji didn't hear Misato's words. He stared at the tag, and stared at himself, and wondered out loud, "that makes me like Rei, doesn't it?" "What about Rei? She was a bit quiet... " said Misato as she puzzled over Shinji's behavior. He seemed to be rather normal now, except that he seemed a bit confused. "Are there more of me? I mean, like copies of me? Like Rei?" "What are you talking about? Rei had been killed by the last Angel attack, that was why you were sent for. But, yes, there are more of you, but they're all you... we didn't want you to know, but... " explained Misato, as she swished her almost empty beer can around. "What about Asuka, where is Asuka?" "She's still training in Germany," responded Misato, slowly coming to the realization that none of this information was yet declassified, yet Shinji asked about it as if he already knew everyone. He had only been on the job for three weeks, though, so there was no way possible he could have gleaned all this information. She became a bit wary. "Why are you asking this?" "This is all wrong... all wrong... completely all wrong." Was it a dream? No, it was real. Very real. Shinji's mind was completely clear. He had lived a Hell, and now had to relive a different one. He continued his quiet muttering, as he returned to his room. "Oh, by the way, you'll start school again tomorrow, so be prepared," reminded Misato. Shinji sat in his room, in the dark, and listened to his walkman. It was soft, though, and through the music, he heard a door open and close, and another person walk into the living room. He lay down on the bed, and listened closely to the conversation. There was a familiar, yet unfamiliar voice speaking with Misato. He had nagging suspicions which he could not place. "... and again I'd like to thank you so much for taking care of Shinji for me... I was so worried, but he's safe in your hands, I'm so sorry about the burden" said the voice. "No, it's part of my job, don't worry about it. I'm sure he'll be happy to go home with you now." Upon hearing this, Shinji rose from the bed, and walked to the living room. He saw, for the first time in ten years... the person whom he had been cruelly torn away from. But she's not alive, he thought. She disappeared, I thought. His mind spun as he wondered what was happenning. "Shinji... it's time to go home," she said. "m...m..mother," he said, as he followed. -- The house that the two entered, was completely unfamiliar to Shinji. As he entered, after pulling off his shoes, he asked, "Where is my room?" he asked. Yui raised an eyebrow. "Have you forgotten that much?" The look in her eyes were of sincere concern, as her fear that her child would be hurt by the process were realized. "It's the last one down the hall, you made a sign yourself..." Shinji couldn't remember, or maybe he didn't want to remember. His memory was so muddled, reality mixed with dreams, that he could tell which was which. Yet, amidst those nightmares, he felt more in place... it was the way it was supposed to happen, not like now, not with all the unfamiliar places, and faces that weren't supposed to exist. Shinji walked into his room. "At least this is familiar," he thought, as he glanced around at his belongings. "But where is it familiar? I should have known about everything here, but the only thing I recognize is my room," thought Shinji. 10:30 am "Oh, I may have forgotten to tell you, Father will be home today... he'll be joining us for lunch." "Father..." whispered Shinji. He remembered. But, he could place his intense dislike for a man that he didn't know. Not yet. He couldn't remember what his father was like. The man he remembered in his dream. Was that his father? The cruel man that sent him to fight, without consideration of circumstances? But that man, as Shinji remembered, was his father. Shinji went to his room, and mechanically opened his bookbag. He took out the homework assignment sheet. Blink. He had done these problems already, the exact same problems. Monthly Test tomorrow. Yes, he remembered. He didn't do so well on it, as he had been tired. Blink. "Why am I thinking this? I haven't done this, I couldn't have." He opened his homework book. He knew all the answers. He knew how to solve them. He knew where he would make mistakes, and have points taken off... He knew this couldn't be possible. -- In a small room in Level 3, a very important patient lay. His head had multitudes of wires sticking out of it, and those wires connected his mind to the 3 Magi. He lay still in his coma, only the sound of his breathing and the constant beeping of the machine detecting his heartbeat permeated the room. -- Noon "Tadaima," mumbled a somewhat grating, and grouchy voice. "Dear, your meeting didn't go well, did it?" asked Yui. "Hm.." grunted the man, "By the way, is Shinji home now?" "Yes, he woke this morning, so I picked him up." "Hm.." grunted the man again. "Dear, lunch is ready... I'll call Shinji." Footsteps grew louder as Yui walked to Shinji's room. She opened the door. "Come for lunch now..." Shinji didn't know how to face his father. He didn't know how to face his mother. The three sat on the floor, and ate in silence. Apparently, they were used to it, and Shinji was the only one uncomfortable with it, but he had nothing to say. He was completely torn from the world he was used to. His world was torn apart, and a new one created. Fabric twisted, and he was caught on the fold. All day Shinji spent in his room, contemplating the situation. He had already finished his homework, and a bit of studying for the upcoming exam, but through all that, his mind was gone. His concentration, despite all his efforts, remained a minimum. Occassionally, his mother would knock on the door, and ask if he needed anything, being as this was his first day fully functional, but he turned down everything, with the exception of dinner. Shinji went to school. His mother drove him there, and while doing so, talked with him. "How are you doing now... you'll be behind, do you think you'll need a tutor?" "I'll be fine, I guess..." "You've been a bit quiet recently, everything all right?" "I'll be fine, I guess..." "Hey, you can't just say 'I'm fine' and expect your mother to be placated by that, I'm really worried about you..." "I'm fine, I guess..." "No you're not" his mind said to himself. You are not fine, you are delusional, delusional... "Um, we're here, don't be late now..." Shinji timidly crept into school, averting his gaze with anyone and everyone, wondering what it would be like, as he effectively had amnesia. He had no idea if his personal relationships with his friends from his other reality had any semblence with his life here. To his immense relief, Touji and Kensuke heartily greeted him, as he entered the classroom. Class was boring, considering the fact he had heard the entire lecture before... word for word. Later that afternoon, Shinji entered NERV facilities for the first time after his accident. To his relief, all of the people there were regulars, people who he knew from previous. "Where's Akagi-san?" asked Shinji to Misato, after she briefed him on the days events. Misato frowned. "Are you sure you're okay now?" "Well... I guess, sort of..." "Why do you want to know?" asked Misato. She inspected him closer. "I was just wondering," replied Shinji, shrinking back a bit. Misato sighed, and replied, "She disappeared in the first trial of Evangelion." This is all wrong. All wrong. All wrong. "All wrong," he shouted, much to the staff's surprise. Misato led him by the elbow, and suggested perhaps Shinji have another mental examination, and he nodded dumbly, without hearing what she was saying. All wrong. All wrong. I mustn't run away... I mustn't run away... Shinji found himself in a lounge chair, with eletrodes sticking out of his head. His mind was numb to the effects, to the tests, to the diagnostics, as Misato went through the checklist, with the Magi assisting. His mind was linked to the Magis, and all his thoughts became Magi thoughts. It was quite an experience, for Shinji, in the ability to share. However, a darkness came over him, and he blacked out. The last words he heard were, "Begin memory analysis..." -- The record sheets had to be completely wrong. Misato pored over them. Unfortunately Shinji would be passed out for a while, but this gave her time to look over his statistics, and ponder upon his condition. Everything was okay, except for the amount of memories contained in his mind. According to those, he should have been born one year earlier. And, it was a different mind. It was definitely Shinji, but not the right one, it seemed. The data from this time were completely different results from even the predicted results presented by Magi. -- In the hospital, the boy stirred. A youngish woman peered at him with concern written on her face, as she glanced at the life sign moniters. He would be okay, she was confident of. It had started as an experiment, a simple simulation, but it had gone wrong, and his mind had been erased. Or, erased as far as the computers were concerned, as no traces could be found. It seemed as if his soul was missing. -- Shinji awoke, remembering the last words Misato had spoken before he blacked out. As his eyes opened, he noticed the familiar ceiling of the hospital room where he always stayed. Yui was sitting in a chair in the far end of the room. She rose, and walked toward the bed. "How are you feeling now?" she asked. "I want to die," he said, with a whisper, not even believing his own words, but saying them nonetheless. "Shhh, don't say that. Not here," said Yui, placing her finger on his lips. A look of sadness pervaded her face, as she spoke. "You are no less the person you were, even if you've lost some of your memories..." But then he believed, had strength in his faith... "I want to die," he said, a little louder this time. To those words, the door slid open. Yui turned, and shouted "NO!" to the men who appeared at the doorway. "My existance is not built upon me. It is no longer built upon me. I am no longer me. My memories are not me, my body is not me. I have run away, from myself. This is all an illusion, I am dreaming... I am dreaming, and I mustn't run away.... away..." "As accordance to Section 68E.299 of NERV property law, you may request termination. However, your body reverts to NERV property. You must confirm the order for it to be carried out. Say yes, and confirmation will be complete." "I will confront this dream, confront it, like I learned, like I learned to confront myself... like I learned..." "Noooo, don't, my son, don't. Your life is not wasted, never wasted." Yui, almost began crying, but stopped. I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away... not now... not now... not now... I will not, I will not, I will not... "I WANT TO DIE, YES" shouted Shinji. Immediately, one of the men flipped a switch on a console, and Ikari Shinji ceased to exist. -- A white light flared, in the darkness, and Shinji moved toward it. He felt comfort, he felt a sense of belonging, he felt much better than he ever did before. He floated toward it, slowly, slowly, slowly. Suddenly, he was wrenched from the light, and turned toward the darkness, the light moving away, away, away, and his consciousness fading again. -- Shinji awoke under another unfamiliar ceiling, with familiar faces peering at him. Yui was there. Instinctively, Shinji felt his side, right below the beltline. The tag was there. -- A scream emanated from his mind. His mind. What was the definition of his mind. Perhaps now once and for all he knew, for sure, the answer to the age old philosophical question of what defines self. The mind. His mind screamed for release of pain, of suffering, of peace. But peace was not granted, never granted, never received. Torment, emotional torment. This defined his mind, his environment. Before, before had been tolerable, as his peace was gained from the rosary of his happy memories, the string of mind pearls. The pearls were scattered, when he discovered he was dreaming, yet dreaming a nightmare. The rosary was crushed when he discovered that he had less control of his destiny than he thought, than he thought. He thought, he had some semblance of control, at least, he had a bit, but no, he had none. And, thus, he moved not an inch for the next hour, as he lay, on the bed, with NERV hospital staff slowly returning to their work. Yui remained, remained, to comfort her son, who had died. Yes, he had died, but he would never die, never die, as his life was no longer his. Yet, she was saddenned to see him look at her with that blank look, a look of nonrecognizance. He knew who he was looking at, yet he refused to see. He could hear her talking to him softly, yet, he refused to listen. He had been cruelly brought back, brought back, to the world of the living, and thus he had run away, he had run away. -- The boy in the hospital stirred once again. -- Shinji sat in his room, pensive. He had been brought here again. It was the weekend, again, and he had missed five days of classes, again. It didn't matter, though, as he knew all the material, the lectures. It was deja-vu all over again. Unfortunately, he could not stop this. Or could he? He thought, as he fumbled through the medicine cabinet. He had asked his mother for the aspirin, but as she was busy cleaning, she had pointed out where it was. This was her second mistake. Shinji found the sleeping pills. He took out one, then another, then another, until he found he had enough. Enough. At least if he couldn't control his destiny, at least he could control his dreams. Shinji walked to the local train station, and took the train for a ride. A long ride. By the time the night came, he was well outside Tokyo-3 city limits, and found himself in the middle of a large field. He fingered the multitudes of pills in his pocket. He lay in the long grass, and looked up at the sky. It spoke to him, it said significant things, significant nothings, nothings, nothings. That was what his life was, at least here. He did not want to live Hell over again, again, again. His old memories were fading, but no new ones existed to take their place. He was becoming a boy without a country, a citizen without a vote. He was lost, in the quagmire of confusion that represented his current life. "I mustn't run away," he thought, for one last time, as he swallowed all of the sleeping pills. And he slept. For peace, in finality. -- The boy in the hospital bolted upright. His forehead filled with sweat, his motion almost wrenching off the electrodes. He looked around. This was another unfamiliar ceiling, in an unfamiliar room. The boy lifted his hand, and felt his side. The telltale tag wasn't there, to his relief. Shinji sighed a bit, as Misato walked into the room. "Thank goodness you're okay... we thought we had lost you..." said Misato, as she leaned over to hug him. "I'm glad to be back, also," cried Shinji, as tears of joy streamed down his face. He was home, not only in place, but in reality also, in reality, that was what it was, not some twisted dream. Not some part of his mind, his mind, messing with his soul. His relief turned to horror, as his mother walked into the hospital room... -- "I'm rather unpleased with these results," said Ikari Gendou, as he read the readings from the moniter. "I had rather hoped that the test subject would have responded well to the simulation of Reality before we continue our plan." Ikari Gendou left the room, to report his results to the HCP committee. The transfer of reality could actually be easier than anticipated... and they would be pleased. Humanity would no longer be a slave of the physical world... "What's the status?" asked Misato, a worried look on her face. "He isn't responding to termination orders... we can't seem to pull him out," reported Maya. "Well, can you reset the machine?" asked Misato, pacing around furiously. "Not without damage, no." Maya reported. "It looks like he'll be in there for a while... I hope he gets used to it, at least, until we get him out." The body that belonged to Ikari Shinji screamed, as the mind continued to be tormented, with twisted visions of realities, realities that were simulations, and actually quite harmless, except for that subject, Ikari Shinji, who had no choice, was experiencing them. K.Shiue (11/1/97)