From: utini@banet.net boundary="------------BC2194CFDC101A3F7E0B34D5" This is a multi-part message in MIME format. --------------BC2194CFDC101A3F7E0B34D5 Hello, I am submitting an eva fanfiction, it's called Is this love. I hope I've don'e everyhting necessary to get it posted, though if I've screwed up I'm sure you'll tell me. --------------BC2194CFDC101A3F7E0B34D5 name="is this love.txt" filename="is this love.txt" Okay standard disclaimers. I don=92t own Gainax or Evangelion or ADV etc = etc. You know the drill. Any ways I wrote this between 10:20 and 11:30, n= o editors, and only one spell check. It=92s mostly stream of consciousnes= s, at least that=92s what I think it=92s called. Anyway I hope you enjoy this story. There will be some more ranting at the end, = but I=92ll shut up for now. Enjoy = Is This Love? Oh Gods I love her. No wait, what am I talking about, no I don=92t.= It can=92t be love. We barely ever speak to each other, and when we do i= t=92s usually just another chance for Asuka to humiliate me. But oh how I= love her so much. Is it even possible? Can I be in love with a girl that= for all intents and purposes hates me? But what else can it be? I=92ve n= ever felt like this before, it has to be love. But it can=92t be. Maybe i= t=92s just lust, she is beautiful, a goddess with vibrant red hair. No, n= ot a goddess, not Asuka, maybe a demon of lust in a body hugging red suit= =2E Either way I know she=92s gorgeous. The worst part is she knows it too, and she uses it to snare me in her little traps, draw m= e into her little word games and make me look a fool when I don=92t play = a along, or answer incorrectly. But when she looks at me with those deep = blue eyes all the pain washes away. I=92ve dreamed about her eyes, truthfully I=92ve dreamed about all of her. But t= his isn=92t love is it? If so I=92d be in love with nearly all the girls = in class. No this isn=92t love, this an instinct, an urge, a need, but no= t love. What else is that draws me to her, it can=92t just be her looks, = I=92m no that shallow am I? God, do I even know myself, let alone Asuka. = Now I remember, bravery. She is so amazing in her Eva. Fearless and proud= =2E So what if she lets it get to her head once and a while. She deserves= all the praise she gets, I really admire her strength When I look at the monitor window, and I see her anxious to get into the = fight, I begin to melt. Not a good thing before a battle, but I can=92t h= elp it, her determination and her courage, ready to face death. I see her= as no one else can, as a pilot, as a warrior, a true warrior. And as muc= h as it thrills me it also scares me, but then I look into her eyes and t= he negatives float away. I=92m in love. But this can=92t be love, there a= re other brave girls, not just brave but modest too, a quality she is sor= ely lacking. What is it then? Why do I love her? Why do I need her so bad= ly? She lives in my house, I see her every day, yet I=92ve never touched = her. We=92ve never shared a hug, hell she doesn=92t even make eye contact= with me if she can help it, a shame too since I so dearly love her eyes.= How can I live with a person, a person I love no less, and not even have= a shared a friendly moment. All her words are unkind, the only kind of touch she seems to know is painful, an= d her favorite form of communication is silence. I don=92t even really kn= ow Asuka. Sure I know her birthday, and I know her mother is dead, I know= she is of mixed German ancestry, but all this I know from NERV profiles,= and beyond her favorite color I don=92t know anything personal about her= =2E I don=92t know her favorite color, or her favorite book, I don=92t ev= en know if she like to read, I don=92t know what music she listens too, I= don=92t know what makes her happy, I don=92t know what makes her sad, fr= ankly I don=92 know Asuka. She=92s cold to me, she won=92t let me in, but= is that really the problem or am I just too afraid to ask? Maybe if she = wasn=92t so harsh to me when I did try to talk to her, but still, I can=92= t remember the last time I asked her a question like that. How can I love= someone I don=92t know? It=92s not possible, it can=92t be love. But it = is, I know it is. Maybe I=92m just being stubborn, this must just be a cr= ush. But it can=92t be, it hurts too much to be a crush. I need her. I ne= ed her beside me, I need her there with me, I need to reach out and know = that she will be there to grab a hold of me, I need her. But she doesn=92= t need me. She doesn=92t need anyone, she=92s a strong independent women.= She only needs Asuka, this can=92t be love. This is just being selfish, = only caring what I need. Furthermore who am I to talk? I don=92t know wha= t she needs, I=92ve never asked. Maybe she needs the same things I do, ma= ybe if we just talked about it, maybe we would see how much we need each = other. I want to make her happy, and I want to be happy with her. Maybe t= his is love, or at least I=92m getting closer. But no, all of this is jus= t wishful thinking, her needs don=92t include me. They can=92t or else sh= e would have said something by now, or she would have done something to m= ake me understand. Or maybe she has and I just haven=92t noticed. She did= kiss me, but that wasn=92t the real thing, that wasn=92t love. But maybe= it was a sign, maybe she was trying to tell me what she needed or what s= he wanted. And not just the kiss, but the things she says to me, they all= seem to mean so many things. Every statement she makes is layered in mea= nings, each one is a hint, she=92s talking to me, but secretly, underneat= h the words, between the words, they aren=92t obvious but they are there, the hints, she=92s talki= ng to me. But no, I am just over analyzing everything she says. I am obse= ssing, she means what she says, not what I think she means, this can=92t = be healthy. I am obsessing, this isn=92t love. But everything she says and does seem to be a message to me, she=92s telling me she wants me= =2E No, she can=92t be, she hates me. Oh I am so confused, I love her, wa= nt her, need her. I wish it was simpler, like in the stories and in the m= ovies. Boy meets girl and they fall in love and live happily ever after. = All so easy, so painless, but it=92s not like that. It=92s a constant gue= ssing game, trying to figure out what she wants, what she=92s really sayi= ng, and whether she loves me. It=92s a cruel game that I am not good at p= laying. Do I over analyze, am I sending the wrong signals, what does she = think of me? If only I knew, I love her, but I don=92t. I don=92t even kn= ow if I love her or no, this is the cruelest part of all, it tortures me = day and night, but it=92s such sweet pain. I sit here, and I think all th= ese thoughts, where does it get me? I still don=92t know if I love her, I= still don=92t know what she needs or wants, I still don=92t know who she= loves. I could have spent this time talking to her, I=92m sure if I trie= d hard enough I could keep up a civil conversation with her. But no, I am= a coward, I sit here and I think my little thoughts, I guess my little g= uesses, and I play my little games. But is she playing the same game I am= ? Or does she not even think about me at all? Does she already know I lov= e her? Does she play with me? I love her. But now it gets even scarier. W= hat if she loves me too. What then. I have no experience in this. What do= we do together? Do we go out? Where do we go? How do I fill up the years= and keep her interested? Won=92t she get bored of me? What do I talk to = her about, beyond these initial questions? Won=92t it all just end in hea= rtbreak? It=92s not worth it. Is this love? And what do I do if she doesn= =92t love me, can I still be her friend? Will she let me be her friend? I= f so, am I doomed to the ever lasting platonic relationship, I can=92t handle that. I need her, I could= n=92t stand to see her with anyone else, I need her. There are so many wh= at ifs, and pit falls, and dangers. What do I do. I need help, I need Asu= ka but I don=92t know what to do. The only thing I can do is talk to her. Who knows, maybe in time she=92ll learn to love me, or maybe in t= urn my love for her will fade into friendship, or maybe she just won=92t = talk to me. Maybe she=92ll reject me, and despise me all the more for eve= n having spoken to her about it. Or maybe she=92ll respect me for having = the guts to do this. All I know for sure is that I need her, I need to sp= eak to her at least. That=92s all I can really do isn=92t it, talk to her= , talk and see what happens. Is this love? = I turned off my sdat and sat up. I had a momentary pang of fear in my stomach. But I pushed myself and I got up. It was a fight just to move= one foot in front of the other. But I did it, I needed to talk to her, n= o matter the result. Would I get the answers I looked for, maybe, maybe n= ot. But I had to do it. I left my room and headed for the kitchen. Luckil= y she was in there, glancing at some sort of manga while she snacked on s= ome cookies. =93Hi Asuka,=94 I began small, =93Mind if I have some of th= ose cookies?=94 =93Sure, as long as you grab some milk from the fridge first.=94 I did= as she asked and I sat across the table from her for a few minutes. We j= ust sat munching on cookies and drinking milk, we talked a little, mostly= about school and eva. It wasn=92t a great conversation by anyone=92s standards. But Asuka was friendly to me, she only hit me once,= playfully. She even laughed when I made a silly little joke about Kensuk= e=92s military obsession. She laughed with me, I couldn=92t believe it. = We only talked for about twenty minutes before Hikari called and Asuka we= nt out. But before she left smiled at me, and I smiled back, it wasn=92t much. I don=92t even know if it meant anything, but it was a sta= rt, a small start but a start, who knows where it could go form this simp= le little conversation. When she was gone I was left with that one perfec= t memory of her smile. It was a perfect moment, no fighting, no words, ju= st a moment, share between.....friends, yes a moment between friends. I spent the rest of the day savoring the warm feeling inside of = me at the memory of that smile. Is this Love? The End. Some more ranting- any ways I hope you enjoyed. If you have any comments = at all good or bad please let me know by emailing me at utini@banet.net. = Okay in case anyone was wondering this was a very cathartic experience fo= r me. It=92s good to let some things out once an a while you know what I mean? Anyway this is dedicated to all tho= se poor bastards stuck in unrequited love and all those too blind to see = the truth. And it=92s also dedicated to the inspiration for this story, C= addy. My heart goes out to you all. Good night my friends. = --------------BC2194CFDC101A3F7E0B34D5--