gholmes@rodeo.sd27.bc.ca (Cory Holmes)


All characters copyrighted by Gainax, not me.
SPOILERS AHEAD!
In this fic, Yui Ikari is NOT part of Unit 1.  If you have a problem with
this, don't read.

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        "Nooooooo!"
        Shinji Ikari bolted straight into a sitting positon.  Sitting in
the school sick room, drenched in cold sweat, breath coming in ragged
gasps, eyes wide, he couldn't belive what was happening to him.  'The same
dream, the same one!  Why can't they just leave me alone?'  And with that
thought came the sobs.  'I want to be alone!  Do you hear?  Alone!' he
raged at no-one in particular.  After all, it wasn't like he could tell
anyone at school about it.  Three years, it felt like three lifetimes.
Three years of being alone in a sea of people.  Three years of hiding
behind cowardice.  Three years of lying to those he cared for, even if they
didn't care in return.  Three years of seeing those faces in his mind
whenever he shut his eyes.  Why couldn't they just leave him alone?
        He looked at the glowing numbers on the clock, and figured there
was no point in going back to class.  His teachers knew his problems
existed, but knowing nothing about them in any detail, so they would not
make too big a deal out of it.  This was not the same Shinji that had left
three years ago.  Back then he had been quiet, noncommitinal to anything, a
good student.  But then he came back, something driving him away, carrying
a burden he wouldn't define.  "It didn't work out," was all he'd say.  He
was back alright, but at what cost?  His soul, it seemed.  But they had
been willing to help him, but lately he was starting to pass out for no
apparent reason.  He'd wake up screaming, but wouldn't tell anyone about
what he saw.
        Shinji got up off the bed, hit the light switch, and winced at the
sight he saw in the mirror.  It was of a normal seventeen year-old, who had
a slight build from regular work-outs, blue eyes that some would have
called gorgeous if not for their haunted look, and he saw the dark rings
around his eyes, scars from his attempts to sleep.
        But most of all, he saw the reflection of _him_; the man he hated
most on the whole planet.  He saw the cheek bones; the ones that had
intimidated so many; he saw the chin, the one that always had that ghost of
a smile, it seemed; but most of all, he saw those eyes again, the ones that
had been hidden behind those dark lenses so often.  Not being able to stand
seeing the face of his most hated enemy staring back at him, Shinji punched
the mirror, shattering it.  His hand lashed out again and again, sending
shards of glass everywhere.  Some pieces were cutting into his face, but he
didn't care, all he could think of was destroying that monstrosity that
called itself _human_.
        Blood and tears mixed on his face and dropped onto the synthetic
sink.  The salt solution stung his face, but he didn't care.  He spent
several minutes there, not moving.  Eventually, he turned to walk out, but
a glint of light caught his eye.  He turned to look at it.  The shards of
glass on the floor reflected the faces he saw so often.  'Like so many
shards of glass, all it took was one stroke, one punch to shatter them', he
wasn't really up to thinking good thoughts.  He stepped out into the
hallway, and some of the passing girls took a few, cautious, glances toward
him.  While he would never be accused of being handsome in the classical
sense, he was still a looker, and could've used it as an advantage, if he
cared.  But, of course he didn't.  It seemed there was very little this
young man cared about.
        He turned and walked to the stairs that would take him to the roof.
Those same girls that glanced at him before, now couldn't help themselves
from watching his well-formed posterior as it moved.  True, he wasn't
drop-dead beautiful, but there was something...indefinite about him.  It
was this hidden aspect that attracted the girls to him.  But, again, he
just didn't care.  It was like he'd put a wall around him, around his
heart, a wall that nobody could get through.  Why it was there was
completely beyond everyone at the school, but they didn't speak of it.
When he first came to the region, he had a number of standing offers from
girls, but he never took them up.  Dimily he heard his name on the PA
system, but he didn't respond to it, who ever it was could find him
instead.
        He walked over to the edge of the roof, and leaned on the low
fence.  It came up to his shoulders, but he didn't care.  He looked over at
the soccer field, and envyed the boys who played for their ability to show
their feelings so easily.  He looked over at the vollyball court, and
envied the girls for their will to look past surface to see the true person
hiding beneath it all.  'But who'd want a backstabbing,
friend-murdering..._monster!'
        Little did Shinji know that right below his feet, the stranger who
had asked for Shinji at the front office, was showing his picture to a
group of girls in the halls, getting ready for lunch.
        "Yeah, I saw him.  He was going upstairs, up to the roof."
        The figure paused for a moment, then responded with, "The roof?
Does he spend much time there?"
        Another girl answered this time.  "Yup.  That's where he spends all
of his free time.  Either there, or in the infirmary.  His headaches have
gotten to the point where he blacks out."
        "We thank you for your cooperation," the stranger said formally,
then turned on it's heel, and walked in the general direction of the roof.
Four people, whom the girls hadn't seen before, followed the stranger.
        Shinji was still on the roof when they arrived there.  He was so
lost in thought that he didn't hear them speak out.  'Why do they haunt me?
What did I do to them?' ran in his mind over and over again.  The stranger
took a step forward, and this time, Shinji heard them.
        "Shinji?"  One of the girls on the vollyball court watched in
interest as he jack-knifed up, straight as an arrow.  His eyes went wide as
he recognised the owners voice.  'It can't be!  It can't be!  It can't be!'
he slowly turned around as a year of memories flooded his mind.
'No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!'  His turn was half-way completed when he
saw that there was more than one person there.  He couldn't belive who was
there.
        Misato Katsuragi smiled at him.  Asuka Langley Sohryu smiled at
him.  Toji Suzuhara smiled at him.  Rei Ayanami didn't smile at him, she
just looked at him.
        'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'
        "Shinji, w-we need you."  After three years of denial.  After three
years of trying to forget.  After three years of hatred.  After three
years, they _needed_ him.  Shinji's body couldn't take it any more.  His
knees buckled, his eyes laden with sparkling tears, his body felt like
lead.  By the time he crumpled to the ground, was crying openly.  Misato
was overcome by a maternal instinct and rushed toward him, only to be
warded off by his fist.
        "Stay away from me!  Stay away from me!" He repeated that over and
over again, and he just kept swinging.  Not aiming for anything, just keep
them away. "Stay away,"  he was begging now, in a hoarse whisper.  The
tears just kept coming, now that the gates had been let open, there seemed
no stopping them.  Toji walked forward.
        "Shinji, come home.  Please."  It was no less of a beg than what
Shinji was doing.  Then Asuka walked forward.
        "Shinji, please come back to us."  Shinji couldn't belive this.
Three years it took them.  Three!  And they expected him to welcome them
with open arms?  He thought not!  Rei had only enough time to open her
mouth before he responded.
        "Shinji..." was all she got out.
        "NO! NO! NO!  Get away from me!  Go!" Then he started screaming.
He lurched to his feet, and ran.  He ran screaming "NO!" all the way down
the stairs and out the front door of the school.
        He didn't stop running until he got home.  He ran straight up to
his room, and jumped on the bed, hiding under the covers and crying his
heart out.
        It was some hours later that he stopped.  'Alone!  Leave me alone!'
But this time the images wouldn't go away. More images, more!  They
wouldn't stop!  'Stop!!!!!!  Isn't there anyone who can help me?!  Make
them stop!  Stop!!!!!'  He drifted off to sleep, too exhausted to protest.

        In his dreams, he saw the rooftop meeting over and over again.  But
at the end, he didn't run.  The four visiters all said in unison "You ran
away.  You ran away.  You ran away."
        He awoke with a scream, "Noooooooo!" He looked over at the clock,
and it read three in the morning.  He walked to the washroom, trying to
convince himself that he'd dreamed all of yesterday, trying to tell himself
that it was all a dream.  He scrubbed his face with cold water, and then
walked back to his room.  He fell face-first on the bed, and nearly started
crying again.  He turned over, onto his back, and looked up at the ceiling.
"Familiar ceiling," escaped his lips before he even knew of the thought.
He sat up suddenly and looked to a wall.  It was familiar too.  His eyes
snapped to the opposit wall, with the same result, it was familiar too.  He
checked all the walls and the floor in this manner.  They were familiar as
well.
        "Familiar, but not home," he said to anyone who was listning; but
most of all, he said it to himself.  In that instant, his mind was made up.
And for the first time in three years, four words started to escape his
lips.  On their own, these four are nothing.  To anyone else, these four
words are nothing.  But put together for Shinji Ikari, they were life
itself.  He said them of his own volition.
        "I mustn't r-," he started, but then stopped.  "No," he said, "I
_already_ ran away." Then he paused, summoning up his courage to say the
next part, but he knew it had to be said.
        "It's time I ran home."

end part I

Cory Holmes
gholmes@rodeo.sd27.bc.ca