From: petebk3000@aol.com (Petebk3000) Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Angel's Dreams Angel's Dreams by Jenova WARNING: spoilers for episode 22 and up...though why you're reading fan fics if you haven't seen everything yet is beyond me.... Also, there's some strong language in here, more than most fics. When writing Asuka and all the insults, it's hard not throw the swearing in, and (I think anyway) it keeps her in character. Standard fan fic disclaimers apply....I don't own them, I just like the characters. Author's Notes: Well, here it is. My first fic. As usual, comments/criticisms/flames are welcome. Send everything to jenova@psynet.net Let me know what you think. Thanks to all my prereaders, Ko-chan, Zorgnak, Zhou Tai An, Oska Archer, and everybody else who commented on my first couple drafts. I started this with the goal of writing a story that Asuka deserves. A story of how she would really deal with life and relationships, without the cheesy, out of character romance. I have to admit, I *did* fall into that pit slightly, but I couldn't help it. After a while, you do feel sorry for the girl, you know? I also want to say that before writing this, I never really liked Asuka. I thought she was an annoying, self centered, proud, arrogant bitch. After getting into her head, watching the last few episodes over, and thinking it through, I guess I started to realize why acts that way. I just really felt sorry for her. This story is my reflection of her thoughts and soul. I hope this does her justice. This is dedicated to my love...may you always have sweet dreams... Jenova jenova@psynet.net Angel's Dreams The young girl was running, almost as if she was running from her own shadow. With a smile on her face, she exclaimed, "Mama! Mama! They chose me! I'm an elite pilot! I'll defend mankind! I'm the best in the world!" No. No. Noooo... "I have to keep it a secret, so I'll tell only you, mama!" Nooo. Noooo... "Everybody is being so nice to me now, I won't feel so lonely anymore!" No. So innocent. So...happy. Nooo... "I'm okay now, even without papa." No. "So look! Look at me!" NO! "Mama!" As the girl opened the door and looked inside, her smile melted. Her mouth felt dry, with a bitter taste forming down her throat. The room was silent, save for a slow, sick, dripping. Her body felt cold, and tears she swore never to cry threatened to fall. The smell, the smell of decaying flesh, of the soul escaping its prison, permeated the air. Her eyes fell on the ground, where the dripping blood spilled on the floor. An object floated on the sea of blood. It was a limp, lifeless, bloodstained doll. Her eyes slowly traveled from the earth to the heavens. She saw the feet, the legs, the body, and the arms. Dangling, as limp as the doll on the floor. She saw the rope, black as the night, and coiled around the neck like a serpent. Then she saw the face. It was a doll's face. Buttons for eyes. Strings for hair. And a smile, stitched in blood red. It spoke, the voice a sick imitation of mama's. "Come to heaven with me." Then she fell. Mama! Mama! Please don't kill me! But she kept falling. No. No. NO! No, I am not your doll! I'll think for myself, and I'll live for myself! I don't need a papa or a mama! I don't need anyone! I'll live on my own! With that, a demon burst out of the darkness. The form of Evangelion Unit 02 rose from the sea of blood. Dripping red, the Eva tore the hanging doll in two. Then it reached down, and grabbed the young girl. Huddled in the giant's hand, the girl was safe. Safe. But this time it was different. The Eva slowly melted, then disappeared completly. Without the giant hand to hold her, the young girl fell once more. What was that on my cheek? A tear? I wiped it away. Weak. I don't cry. Crying is weak. I am not weak. I am NOT WEAK! "No, but you're worthless," a voice whispered at me. Worthless? Yes, worthless. Useless? Useless. I have no value. My life has no meaning. No purpose. I hate it. I hate everyone. No, you hate yourself. Why am I still alive, then? Because you're scared. Dammit, I am NOT scared! Yes you are. I shivered, the nightmare still in my thoughts. Mama. Eva. Sync ratio zero. Useless. Worthless. I rolled out of bed, and opened my door. No other lights on. Of course, I thought disgustedly. Why would they be up? They're perfect. Silently, I made my way to the balcony. I looked up to the heavens, staring at the stars in the night sky. They have purpose. Unlike me. They bring light, life. Unlike me. That's why they live. They have purpose. When they no longer bring light, they die. "A...Asuka?" "What do YOU want?" The words tumbled out as a flustered Shinji tried to explain himself. "I...I had something to give you but you weren't in your room and I was worried and so I was-" Some part of my heart cringed as I sneered, "What do you care?" Then my survival instinct, my anger, took over. "What the hell does the great Shinji Ikari care about the lowly 2nd Child, huh? Who the hell asked you? I don't need your sympathy Ikari. I don't need a single damn thing from such pathetic, spineless, boy. You and wonder girl think you're so hot, you take care of the angels yourselves! So fucking ungratefully, fine! Go on! You don't need me, do you? Well I don't care. You hear me, I don't care! I don't need you, or your fucking doll Ikari. I don't...care." His reply was quiet, but with none of his earlier unease. "I care." What was that in his eyes? A tear? I slowly raised my head, but the 3rd child was gone, his soft footsteps echoing in the night air. Worthless. Useless. Those words kept running through my head. I have no reason to live. So why? Why am I still alive? Because you're scared. Scared? Scared of death. Scared of being alone. Scared of abandonment. No! No, I'm not! I am NOT SCARED! I stared at the gun in my hands. With some perverse satisfaction, I noted that its owner was asleep, drunk in her room. With meticulous care, I sat on the bed, and gazed at the gun. Black. Cold. I looked at the hole, a bottomless pit. A tunnel to hell. With my thumb, I clicked the safety off. Safety. I snorted. What a concept. With ceremonial care, I placed it to my head. Please forgive me. Mama? I'm coming mama. And then we'll finally be together. Forever. And I'll never be alone again, right mama? As I slowly closed my eyes, a glimmer of color caught my vision. I looked down at my pillow, and saw the gift the young boy left for me. A tear clouded my eye, as I realized what it was. A beautiful red rose. Damn you Ikari. Why? Why Shinji, why? How could you? After all I've said, all I've done? Dammit, why can't you just let me leave in peace? Why are you so stubborn? After all the pain, all the times I've hurt you. Why? Why am I cursed like this? How could you do this to such a bitch? Why do you want to get close? To me? Why me? Dammit Ikari, why can't you leave me be? Why? Why?!? And his words came back to me. "I care." Tears threatened to fall from my eyes. Damn you Shinji, why do you have to care? Then a voice broke me out of my spell. "Asuka! NO!" I turned to face him. "Why?!? Why the hell shouldn't I?" "Because...because, we need you." "Need me? The invincible Shinji actually needs somebody?" I snorted, "Don't make me laugh, Ikari." "I...I..." "What do you want me to say? You actually need to hear it? Fine! Let me get it through your dense head, Ikari. I can't pilot. I can't fucking pilot! Sync ratio zero! Nothing! I can't move the damn doll! You happy? Is that what you needed to hear? You want me to say it again for your damn ego? I CAN'T FUCKING PILOT!" "I don't care. I don't care. I DON'T CARE!" The berserker broke through. "It doesn't matter! That's not important! I don't care if you can pilot or not! There's more than that! THERE'S MORE THAN THAT!" Then his words were soft, barely a whisper. "Please...don't leave me...alone." Alone. Abandonment. An image ran through my head. I saw mama again. Saw her hanging body. Saw the sea of blood. But something was different. As my eyes ran up her body, I realized her head was different. It was shaped differently. It was smaller. It was...mine. Then I realized that the child looking up at the body wasn't me. It was...Shinji. That was the final blow. All the barriers, all the shields, just shattered. My fingers went limp, as the heavy weight of the gun slipped from my hand. I collapsed on the bed, as my body began convulsing from the tears. Fourteen years worth of tears broke through in that moment. Fourteen years of pain, fourteen years of suffering. Then his arms were around me. Some residue of my pride made a weak attempt to push him away, but he remained firm. He held me, supported me. As he caressed my face, words flowed out of his mouth. I don't know what they were, but that didn't matter. All I listened to was his voice. The same voice that would stutter when he was teased. The same voice that would scream during battle. Now it was...comforting, soothing. It didn't matter what words he was saying, for his voice said it all. The sound of his voice sang to me. Sang a song of comfort, of protection. The song told me he would always be there, always care. It told me I would never be alone, because he...he...he loved me. He wiped the tears away, and continued whispering in my ear. I curled up in his arms, like a child seeking protection. And he gave it to me. He gave me protection, comfort, hope, warmth...love? Yes, he gave me love. It came to me, a realization of something that was always there, but never noticed until now. Yes, he loved me. With that, all the worry, all the guilt, all the sorrow washed away. What was that? Something he said registered in my mind before I drifted off. "Sweet dreams, my angel." I smiled as I drifted off to dreamland. Yes, for the first time in my life I would have sweet dreams. For this was the first time in my life that I fell asleep feeling safe, in the arms of someone who loved me.