From: "JOYCE K WAKABAYASHI" Subject: [Eva/Xover][FanFic] And I was still afraid And I was still afraid I should be ashamed that at my age I still need a nightlight, Misato thought, looking at the wan little bulb she had plugged into a nearby outlet a few nights ago. It did little to illuminate the darkness, showing just enough light to show the barest outline of its surroundings. But when I can see that I'm in my room and not in that capsule, at least I don't wake Kaji by flipping on all the lights, it stays my own private shame. These dreams I've been having lately. They've been occuring ever since I heard about that Eva file Shinji's been working on. Anyway, I have to go along with him. She lay awake for an hour, staring up at the ceiling before going back to a dreamless sleep. *** Shinji looked up from his desk to see Misato at the doorway. "How's Asuka?" said Misato, who noticed the dark rings under his red eyes. "They're trying a new treatment. She's pretty worn out by the chemo. Funny thing, the thing that she complains about the most is the possibility of losing her hair. I told her that I wouldn't care if she became bald and that it would grow back. She told me that a guy, no, a man like me wouldn't understand." "At least she hasn't lost all her spirit." "She went to sleep right before I left. Is there something you need?" Misato said, "Shinji-kun, I came to ask you a favor." There was nothing playful in her voice. "Of course." "I need to go with you to Antarctica. I heard bout those reports that some scientists had seen a ghostly replay of the time leading up to Second Impact. They had temporarily registered land where the coast used to be. There were even blurry photos of what looked like the station." Shinji stared at her. "How did you find out about it?" "Shinji, it's a special interest of mine. You should know why." "Of course, I should've realized." Shinji said, "What does Kaji said about it?" "He's fine, well, he understands why." "I see." "Unless of course, you think, Asuka would disapprove." "She would probably growse about it, but I think she'd understand. Today, she told me that I needed someone to watch my back because I'm bound to get killed by my own stupidity unless I have someone to watch me." There was a ghost of a smile on his face that threatened to crumble into tears. "You haven't asked her, have you?" Misato said. "I was about to, but now is a bad time, isn't it?" "You can tell her after she gets better." "Mmm. Problem is getting near that area since it's been off limits only to scientific and people with a certain level of security. Security I don't have." "That's not a problem," Misato said. "I still have a few connections in that area. I've kept in contact with some of my father's colleagues. I know of a freighter going there within the month." "Thank you." said Shinji. "Say hello to Kaji for me." "I'll be sure to." *** Misato looked at the water stirred up in the wake of the freigher. It reminded her of a time long ago when she looked behind a ship while her father was talking to a colleague about something she didn't understand. She remembered thinking at that time, Some adventure. Shinji looked at Misato in a heavy coat staring at the foaming water behind the moving freighter. Her face was pensive and bereft of her usual cheerfulness. "Misato." His voice broke her out of her reverie. "What, Shinji?" "What are you going to do once you get there?" "I don't know. I guess it's one of those things where you have to go in order to find out. I guess all I want are some answers. I want to see what exactly happened before Second Impact." "Are you still thinking about your father?" "You know it. He made me what I am today." "You should come inside, it's getting really cold." "I'll be right there." "At least put your hood on. You'll catch cold." Misato smiled at Shinji's concern and put the hood on. She glanced back to see Shinji walk back inside, then stared out at the horizon. *** 15 years ago on a ship "Will there really be penguins there?" "Of course." "Who was that you were talking to?" "Gendo Ikari." "Really? He's kinda ugly looking." "Don't say that, he'll hear you." "Well, he keeps scowling at me like he wishes I'd disappear. Why are we going all the way to the Antarctic? Mom says it's an experiment that's top secret, but she didn't say what it was." "It's the most important experiment in the world, perhaps in history. I can't say much, but we're going there to test a theory of mine." "The S2 theory?' "Yes. You know about it?" "That's all you and your friends talk about. That's what most of your lectures are about." Misato's father laughed. "We must bore you, a bunch of mad scientists with our shop talk. But I promise, Misato, when the experiment goes as planned, you're going to see something really quite amazing." *** "We've reached the area noted on the map." Misato looked at the sky. It was nighttime. It was as dark as that night the Angel came and destroyed half the world. But the sky was clear and the stars were only obscured by the lights on the ship and the full moon. It was a beautiful sight, but Misato thought, The heavens can be so scary, no wonder people make lights to ward off the darkness. But out attempts to create light doesn't change the ultimate, the essential nature of the universe around us. Perhaps it's that what scares me. "There's nothing there so far." said Misato. "It should be here in about an hour if it's going to appear at all. It'll give us time to set up our long range recorders and get our orbital satellite to focus on this particular spot. We had tried to send several remote control probes in, but we continually lost contact with them. There were some time distortions. We can't send anyone in there because we don't want anyone to become lost in that time or suffer consequences that we can't predict. Misato nodded. "Tell me when everything is set up." The scientists went back to their work. Shinji approached her and said, "You look tired." "It shows?" Shinji nodded and handed her a cup of soup. "You're always so nice, Shinji." "Kaji would beat me up if you came down with pneumonia." Misato had to laugh at that. "He's not so crude. Someone like Touji, perhaps." "No, he's mellowed out since high school." "So, neh. Everything changes." A bit of melancholy filled her. "The first time I came here, there really was penguins and ice. It's strange looking out and there's nothing left. I was the only kid there. It was a lonely time for me." "Why did your father take you?" "I don't know. He hadn't seen me in quite a while. I hated that he didn't visit regularly. It always had to be on his terms, his time. He'd be nice to other people, but to his own family. . . Well, you've heard this before, I won't bother saying it again." "If you need to, I'm here to listen." "I have to find my own way." "I wonder why the events are replaying themselves over and over again? Maybe it released so much energy, that part of it affected time much like a stone hits the surface of the water and causes ripples. "Or perhaps it's penance." "Penance." "Being forced to relive the worst thing you've ever done over and over again. Penance." "Uh, Misato. . ." Then she noticed something several hundred feet away from the ship. "What is that?" They both turn around and see something that hasn't been there for years. It's the research station on land. Strangely, it seems distorted as if it's only half there. Misato turned to the scientific personnel and yelled, "It's here!" The scientific personnel scurry to set everything up. Misato sees a large group of scientists setting up equipment several hundred feet from the research station. Two others stand apart from the main group, chatting. She picks up her binoculars and thinks she recognizes one of them. Misato walks into the freighter and says, "OK, could you zoom in on those two?" "We're working on that right now. We're putting up the image as we speak." When the image appeared on the monitor, she gasped. Misato looked at the image of her father. It was scary looking at him. His likeness to Kaji were the first things to hit her, the dark hair, the smile, the eyes. But then slowly, she saw the subtle differences. His hair was short in a professional style, and his face was clean shaven. The small glasses perched on his face seemed to emphasize the more delicate structure of his face. He was very like Kaji, but not the same. The sensors also recorded sound as well. He was casually chatting to another scientist. Her father's voice was very much like Kaji's, very confident and casual. Damn, Misato thought, they're so alike. It brought tears to her eyes. "Dr. Katsuragi, why did you bring your daughter here? She must be so bored." The man laughed. "Yes, I know she's been bored. I plead guilty as charged." Then he got very serious. "Watanabe, I want to show her a beginning of a new world. I want to show her that I didn't give her and her mother up for a series of papers or books, but for this world's salvation. I hope that once she sees the results of the experiment and understand its meaning, she'll at least understand what I've been doing. I want her to be a witness to the greatest experiment, no, the greatest moment in history. If this experiment happens right, then infinite power will be within the grasp of humanity. The Super Solenoid theory will allow 100% of matter to be turned to 100% energy. Once we harness that capacity, there's no telling what we can do. I want her to have a world worth having." Then he smiled, "Think of it as the ultimate birthday present." "I wonder why Gendo Ikari left so suddenly yesterday, especially when today is the day of the experiment." "Hmmm, he said he had an emergency back home." "What kind of emergency would it take for him to leave such a project?" "Well, he is a newlywed." Both men laugh at this little joke. Then Dr. Katsuragi said, "His loss. Is everything ready?" "Yes, Dr. Katsuragi." "Good." "I hope we won't need those emergency capsules." "One always hopes that. I designed those capsules so they'd stand up to a direct nuclear assault. But I have nothing but confidence in this. Oh, I should wake up Misato and show her this. Maybe I'll let her be the one to press the button," he says showing the other scientist the handheld console. One of the scientific personnel on the ship then said, "There's a huge energy spike reading." Shinji and Misato look away from the monitor and towards the coast. Both gasp as they see the one that Fuyutsuki had once called the Giant, Adam. It was massive and glowed white with shoulder blades that stood high above its head. They could see its two eyes looking down at the researchers. It seemed to look down at them for a minute. Then there was an explosion that destroyed the area immediately surrounding the giant. The roof of the station was sheared off. She saw the satellite aerial shot. Her father was forcing himself to stand up in the ruins of the station, then getting up and carrying the girl she had once been to the capsule. Misato turned to look at the research team. "Is there anyway I can get there?" "Katsuragi-san, it's not really there. We may be able to record as if it were solid, but what's out there is merely an image, 'a ghost.' There's nothing you can do to change it." Misato sees her father put her into the capsule, then shut the lid. Her father puts his head on the capsule and says, "Misato, I'm sorry." Then he turns to see Adam walking towards him. An almost sneer came upon her father's bleeding face. "So, the terms are that if we don't listen to you, you'll destroy us all. Well, I don't care what the hell you are! Don't underestimate humanity!" With that, he fishes for something in his pocket and presses the button on his handheld console. Then everyone on the ship sees a strange, ghostly afterimage of the light that had destroyed half the world. Then it was gone, leaving behind spires of ice in a ocean that looked like the blood of all the victims of Second Impact. *** Misato was staring out towards the horizon at the ruins of a continent. "Misato? Do you want to talk about it?" Shinji said. Misato turned to him and said, "Not really." "Did you get the answers you wanted?" "A few, but just a few. At least I know why he dragged me all the way there and that he remembered when my birthday was. As for the rest. . ." Misato turned away from him and simply shook her head. *** Misato looks at the nightlight in her room. "I'm not ashamed any more that I was, that I am still afraid. But. . ." She reaches down and unplugs it. "Going over and over it changes nothing." The End.